It’s been a few weeks since the invasion of privacy. I’ve wanted to reach out to you and realize, and expect, no response due to the listening in from OW and XH. I totally empathize with you. (((DV)))
The position you found yourself in, is one I wondered about. What would XW think if she could read all of what I and the kids went through. Said all that to her, no holds barred. Truth darts everywhere.
You basically got to do that. Unwanted no doubt.
XH and OW had a blast of reality shot at them. There is no escape from their culpability in their deceitful actions. No hiding nor ignorance about their effect upon children, family, and friends. They can pretend for a while, but those read words are in their minds, gaining a foothold, constantly.
They both get to live with the now inescapable knowledge of what their choices produced. The lives that have been altered. The destruction caused. The way people see their actions and behaviours. The so very little respect others now have for them. That is just a sample of what’s been gained from their snooping.
For what it’s worth. I have been toying with a letter stating many things about mine and the kids’ lives after BD. I at one time was considering including this website and my user name so XW could read my journey. I decided a while ago not to do that; it seems too cruel to show her.
Your XH did this all on his own. He gets his consequences, and so does OW. Whether either of them learn or grow from any of this, who can say. They do however have to live with it. Acceptance is tough enough to find when you are rational and moral. I suspect true peace and joy will be illusionary to them for quite some time.
Find forgiveness for them both, you have no need of vengeance towards them. The self forgiveness they truly need will be slow coming.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I am just seeing this, as I don't visit this side often. I am sorry to read this. Very, very strange behavior indeed! The amount of time and energy it takes to read 1000s of posts, and that she announced it to you without shame, indicates she is quite off balance! But we knew that about them both, didn't we? -- He lied, ran away from his family, lied more, and thought he could just start life over with someone else. She is a homewrecker who now has to look your children in the eyes and think about what is best for them. And they are "engaged,} as if they can pretend to just start over and create a new life together -- they are both surely delusional! Sad. I pity them actually. And sadly, yes, relationships that start as affairs, end in affairs. I have seen it a thousand times ....
DV6, I completely understand stepping away from here for some time. You must feel so violated and betrayed. I think I would need to take some space too .... there is another thought tho, and I have read most of your posts as well. Yes, they have opened up your diary and selfishly read every word. But your words are your words and they are good words. You have been honest, thoughtful and completely genuine in your writings! I have always admired the way you have handled things and tried to do what is right. You wear your heart on your sleeve, but that is also what makes you so beautiful. There is nothing written here that you should feel any regrets over. They are your words and they are your reality. THEY should feel regret and shame over their actions -- the lies, the betrayals and invading your safe space here. Perhaps she sees your strong and loyal character now and feels threatened by that? She should! But, really, who cares what they think anyways?
In the grand scheme of it all, they are insignificant. You are the prize. Perhaps she told you that thinking she could create some shame or gain some power? That in itself demonstrates her character and weakness. You can hold your head up high and keep moving forward. You have nothing to lose here either way. Only they are losing.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Okay...wasn’t going to post on this thread again but just have an issue I would like some feedback on... Really hoping XH and OW have moved on from spying on me. Feeling kinda guilty about something and I need some perspective.
Yesterday morning I was on Facebook accepting a friend request and I started scrolling through the list of “friends you may know” to see who was on there from my past. I added a few people and then I saw the name of my junior high school “love” that I went out with on and off in the eighth and ninth grades so I added him on an impulse. I thought he would probably add me for the same reason and then we’d be one of those Facebook friends who look at each other’s pages but never actually have a conversation. So I was kinda surprised when he messaged me about half an hour later to say “what a blast from the past” (we honestly have not had a conversation other than to say “hi” in the hallways of our high school since the ninth grade) and asked me how I was doing.
I messaged him a short reply and we ended up chatting on and off for a few hours. He’s a nurse and sometimes teaches nursing at the local college. He has three kids (youngest is in Grade 11) and coaches high school basketball (he was a basketball star in high school - he’s 6’5”). He’s been married twice. The first marriage he was quite young and it didn’t last a long time. The second lasted 20 years and ended around the same time as mine.
I checked his Facebook page and it is full of inspirational quotes along the lines of “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” which makes me think he may have been the person who got left in the marriage the way I was. He says he is trying to be a better man every day and he tries to spread as much positivity and joy as he can to others. He’s even started a minor basketball association in our home town (where Jack lives too) that runs camps in the spring for so that younger kids have more of a chance to play. His oldest daughter is his assistant coach which tells me they have a good relationship. In short...he is a lot like me and at a very similar stage in his life.
Anyway... he messaged me last night again to say goodnight and that I can message him anytime. So now I’m feeling really guilty cause I think if I keep chatting with him, he is going to want to meet up (I imagine he has exhausted the dating pool in our home town given he has lived there his entire life) and I’m really curious about who he is today and whether or not there would still be an attraction there after all these years. Is that crazy? And what does that say about my relationship with Jack? I’m feeling like a complete jerk for even entertaining these thoughts which is all they are at this point...thoughts. For all I know, we would meet for coffee and not be attracted at all.
Your feedback would be much appreciated. (((HUGS)))
A message of the sort "what a co-incidence you live in the same town as the guy I'm currently dating" will pass on all the information necessary. If he wants to stay being friendly, then he will.
Facebook has undoubtedly bought more divorce lawyers new BMWs than anything else.
Just my 2 cents.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
A message of the sort "what a co-incidence you live in the same town as the guy I'm currently dating" will pass on all the information necessary. If he wants to stay being friendly, then he will.
He'll respond that the two of you can have dinner at the next town over so that Jack won't know about your date. And, if Jack does find out, then blame the whole thing on Jack.
Just saw some of the more recent posts on my thread. Thank you all for your good wishes!!!
DnJ and Blu.... thank you for your words and for your support. You have all helped me so much and kept me walking forwards on a path that I can look back on and be proud of. I still feel I have work to do but your example and wise words have given me a direction and a goal to aim for.
Christmas was great. My kids loved their gifts and loved being home with their extended family. They are such loving and genuine kids. I am so thankful to be their mom. XH also let me keep them an extra day so they could spend more time with SD20 who showed up on Boxing Day.
Sadly, SD20 is still uninterested in connecting with her dad. She says her life is less stressful without him in it and that he wasn’t “in it” for most of her life so she’s pretty sure she will be okay. Ironically, XH said something similar to me numerous times when him and his dad would go months without talking. I’m hoping her feelings change because I think she would eventually regret not resolving things between them. I wish he had the courage to face her on his own but it seems like he doesn’t as he invited her for dinner with him and OW. It is beyond me how he thinks she might actually accept his invitation when they haven’t spoken for so long. I’ve told him what he needs to do if he really wants a relationship with her but he has chosen not to follow my advice so I have stopped trying to influence either of them. Other than to reassure SD20 that I am still her “mom” and that I hope she can work things out with her dad, I say nothing and just listen if she needs me to.
I think you are wise to not show this to XW DnJ. I do think that it would be very difficult for her to read... not just to read about your journey but also that of your children and other people she has left behind. I think that is what was difficult for XH and OW... not reading about my feelings and thoughts...those would be easy to guess... but the thoughts of others with whom I continue to maintain a relationship...XH’s cousins, his mom, his daughter... He, and OW too for that matter, like to think his actions have only affected me but that could not be further from the truth. When you cheat on your wife, you cheat on your family. He betrayed and hurt a lot of people and he mistakenly thinks that if he is happy, everyone else will be happy as well. Life does not work that way. You can’t replace people like light bulbs. And...as all of us are finding out... when you have children, there is no such thing as divorce. You will always be in one another’s lives.
Andrew... thank you for your thoughts. I’m not too worried about telling this guy I am dating someone or not... truth is, for all I know, we may never have another conversation. My worry is more about what it says about my R with Jack that I am so curious about this guy. Jack makes me happy in a lot of different ways but there are also some big obstacles when it comes to making this work long term. And I wonder if I want to make the effort I would have to make to overcome those obstacles. It has brought to light some questions I have been avoiding answering within myself, I think. So I’m struggling with those...
KML... you’re right. I need to stop posting on here. Argh... it is so frustrating. This was MY place for ME. Like I haven’t had enough taken away from me. So if I continue to chat with old bf, I will find a casual way to let him know about Jack (I could be completely misreading his interest and he could be dating someone too for all I know). I will also continue to think about what it is I would like to do about my R with Jack regardless of this other guy being interested or not. I think that is the thing I need to figure out the most.
