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Originally Posted by Wanka
I want to really commend you for pouring out the whiskey from the bottle. It is the BEST decision we've ever made in our lives.

Yes, that's right. You heard me: I did the exact same thing you did. For starters, I have always been a teetotaler with one or two tots of my lovely amaretto per year. In the first week after Ms. Wonka left, I came very perilously close to drinking a large amount of the amaretto. It took every ounce of my willpower to pour out the whole bottle in my kitchen sink. Whew! As you can see, I was in so much pain that I just wanted it all to go away.

A word to the wise about "wanting a woman"...please be very self-aware of this slippery slope. In my experience, I fought off the urge for a few years because I recognized that those feelings came from a place of 'neediness' instead of being self-assured and ready to give/share with another person. I'm glad of my personal choice to refrain from grabbing the next woman because it would have put me in a tough position.

By the way, I liked how you responded to W's text with "what is it?" query. Nicely done!


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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2014-07-09
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Thank you all for the kind words, it's much appreciated.

I will be meeting WAW for the very first time since bomb on Friday for lunch. She asked me out! smile

She asked me to meet her for lunch today but I had meetings at work and politely declined.

We are still taking things really slow. We are flirting with each other like when we first met and I am letting her initiate contact about 75% of the time. I don't want to appear to be too eager. As time passes, I will slowly begin to balance it out.

Please note, I am NOT a veteran and I am FAR from truly piecing but I would like to share some things that seemed to help me. I hope you all can take something from this.

1. I went STRICT NC on the advice of the vets. I listened to everything the vets told me to do. Not once did I deviate. It was incredibly hard for me do. NC for me was exactly 30 days until she texted me about picking up her things from my house. I acted friendly and didn't fight her on it or ask questions. I finally initiated a text with her for the first time in week 7. It was friendly and I teased her.

2. I attended therapy and still am.

3. I prayed every night before I went to bed. First I thanked God for things I DID have (my family, my job, my daughter, my car). I also asked him to give me signs (good or bad) that I was moving in the right direction. Finally I asked him to restore my relationship if it was in HIS will. I continue to pray every night and thank him for the good things happening in my life.

4. I tried to help others on this board as opposed to only posting about my sitch all the time. It was cathartic for me and still is, hence this post.

5. When I did have contact with WAW, I always made sure to end the convo first. This was hard because I could text/talk to her for hours. I missed her so incredibly much.

6. I read Divorce Remedy about 30 times, lol.

7. Anytime I felt down, I would post here to vent. Anytime I felt like doing something crazy (pursuit), I would post here first and let people talk me off the ledge.

8. When the timing was right for me, I took a risk and contacted her. This was really scary for me as I was worried about backsliding and ruining things.

9. I listened to my mom when she told me "Let your faith be bigger than your fear". That was my mantra and I had to repeat it to myself 500x a day.

Thank you all for your support.

Thornton

Me 43
He 43
D: 18
D: 12
T: 8 years

Bomb 5/10/2014
Back 7/7/2014

Bomb 2 1/28/2016
Back: 5/2016

Bomb 3 4/3/2017
She moved away with SD: 5/27/2017
Back: 8/1/2018

Bomb 4 9/11/2019




https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2867872#Post2867872
Originally Posted by Thornton
Not much new to report, I'm maintaining NC with W and focusing on work.

I'm starting to feel so angry. A lot of that anger is for my W, but I'm also angry with myself for allowing myself to be in this predicament again. I wish I had grown a spine before W starting coming back around the last time. I thought I had but she has a way of breaking me down with her tears and getting me to buy in to her BS promises and epiphanies. I won't make that mistake again.




"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Anger is one of the seven stages of grief recovery, it's normal! Don't fight it, let it happen. The fastest way to recovery is through, not around. Google "seven stages of grief recovery" if you're not familiar with the stages. It helped me early in my sitch because it's a way to recognize and identify the stages of what you're going through and to understand it's all a normal part of the process.



"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Originally Posted by FlySolo


I am sorry you are here. I hope you are able to find comfort in the words of the many people here with you. You will find good, kind hearted people here who are rooting for you.

I am two years post breakdown and I can tell you it is a long and painful road. But it will get easier. Follow the lessons you learn here, GAL, 180 and most importantly stay strong.

A couple of things that helped me:

1. Meditate - this helps with the sleepless nights, and also overtime, you'll learn how to be an observer of your feelings. Everything you're feeling is valid, but it is important not to let them take over. Learning to observe them helps put things in perspective.
2. Journal - offline or online, either will help. This will help structure the thoughts that go round and round in your head. Once you have it on paper (or on screen) read it as if it were someone else's story. The structure will help you to detach and look at things rationally.
3. Read other peoples thread. Respond. Even if it's just to say 'I'm here and I'm listening'. Knowing that there is someone else out there who gets you matters more than you know.
4. As AS said, find some GAL activities that involve other people. Join groups - climbing, running clubs. Get out of your comfort zone and when you're there force yourself to be present. Being present is one I still struggle with. Sometimes I can be out with people and still feel separate from them.

You asked a question about how to plan childcare without it seeming like pursuing. I find that (forcing) a kind of 'colleague' like friendliness worked best with my H. Try sending a message like "Hi - I am going to be in Madrid on xxx and would like to spend some time with S6 and S1. I would like to take them for one or two of the days. What days would work best for the children ". No pressure. Never any mention of also seeing her. Just a simple request to see the children. If she says no say, "Thank you. It would have been great to see them. Maybe next time". If she says "sure, then suggests some dates" respond with a simple "Perfect. Thanks. It will be great to see them".

Make your messages about your children. Not her. Never her. You (have to act like you) don't care if you see her or not. You can be friendly, maybe throw in a "hope you're well" or "have a great day" but nothing more personal than that. If there's something more regular, then send a "Hi W. I would like to sort out the childcare arrangements for the next few months. I can be in Madrid on the following days and would like to see the children. Do these days work?".

Your aim right now isn't to R. It is to become a better you and to build a co-operative co-parenting relationship. She needs to work through her own stuff. And she will do this according to her own timeline. Use the time wisely so that should she wish to come back, then you will be a better man then when she left. And if she doesn't come back, then you will still be a better man then when she left.

I hope that's helped.



"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Originally Posted by Just_Me
Just give it a little time. Be the bigger person in all this. While you might be encouraged by this site not "to pursue", it's really only pursuing if your spouse sees it that way. You should first do what works. If going to see her works, then do that.


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Originally Posted by zig
10 Things You Must Give Up to Move Forward

1. Letting the opinion of others control your life
2. The shame of past failures
3. Being indecisive about what you want
4. Procrastinating on the goals that matter to you
5. Choosing to do nothing
6. Your need to be right
7. Running from problems that should be fixed
8. Making excuses rather than decisions
9. Overlooking the positive points in your life
10. Not appreciating the present moment



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Originally Posted by Kansha
I found the key to detachment!!!!!!
It isn’t about detaching at all. It’s about shifting your focus. The book to read is: “Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting.” By lynn grabhorn.
I read most of the chapters and was trying to do the following and some pretty amazing things were happening. But it was really hard to do it all the time (look at what we’ve been dealing with ). In the last chapter she breaks it down and the key is having a flip-switch. See the following. I’ve been doing this for 5 days and every time I think about my life with H or anything that doesn't feel good, I think and feel my self-appreciation word (see explanation below). You know how when you smile, your endorphins kick in and you feel a little bit better. You have to find that place. So when you are flip-switching you also try to FEEL something from the positive vibration list. One I use that always kicks in is my dog wagging his tail at me trying to get me to let him in. It always makes me feel happy. But for most of us it’s hard to go there (that happy feeling)(let’s face it we are not happy about our spouses behavior) even when we want to, so hence, the “FLIP SWITCH” This is NOT positive thinking but positive feeling and it is not affirmations or meditation either.
Feel free to ask me questions about this. It will help you!!! Absolutely!!! But go out and RUN do not walk to get this book and read it cover to cover. It’s in the metaphysical section but you’ll probably have to get them to order it.
Thoughts that cause one to be on a Low Vibrational Frequency:

· Resentment
· Judgment
· Criticism
· Anger
· Doubt
· Frustration
· Mild concern
· Stress
· Worry
· I can’t
· I won’t
· Loneliness
· Guilt (you get the picture)

Thoughts that cause one to be on a High-Vibrational Frequency:

· Appreciation
· Gratitude
· Humor
· Enthusiasm
· Reverence
· Awe
· Generosity
· Love
· Delight
· Pleasure
· Exhilaration

How to find a “flip- switch” to switch from a low frequency to a high frequency:

Pick a different word or phrase of self- appreciation each day and whenever you are thinking/feeling on a low Vibrational realm, think your self -appreciation word or phrase for that day. This is the key to get yourself on a high Vibrational level, to pull the things that you want to you. This is the flip switch. Practice for 30 days with 30 different self –appreciational words/ phrases. Stick with the same one for the entire day. All of a sudden your always feeling good and lots of good stuff starts happening. I would tell you some of the amazing stuff that has happened to me but I’m sure that would give me away. Though just telling you this will surely give me away. But for you all who are so courageous and true it is worth it. I'm the one who stopped posting cause I was really down. Now things are starting to look up and I have had no conversations with H about anything.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Quote
The truth is we create our own reality. The only things we have control over, are our thoughts, feelings and choices we make. We need to be responsible for our choices. Our choices create our reality. What ever we think, is what we become. It all starts with thoughts. If your not happy with how things are, change your thinking.

You have listed a number of negative thoughts and a number of positive thoughts. Our thoughts lead to our feelings. If we don't like what we are feeling, change our thoughts.

Our mind is thinking millions of thoughts consciously and subconsciously, from dealing with the function of our body and it's systems, and the external environment it finds itself in.

Trying to focus our thoughts on positive things is critical to being happy and feeling good about ourselves. The choice is ours. How we talk to ourselves in our inner conversation with ourselves, leads directly to how we feel about ourselves.

God has given us everything we need to be happy, successful and have a fulfilling life.
We need to have the awareness that it all is within each of us. We just need to look there.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Originally Posted by Steve85
Two key points:

1) your instincts are usually right

2) the truth always seems to have a way of coming out.

Confronting, not confronting, whatever, will not make this come about or prevent it from coming about. What I can warn you about is this: if you confront, she will do a lot more to cover her tracks. After I initiated BD, my W changed all of her passwords, PINs, and started signing out of apps (I found out the messages for her EA in Facebook messenger app on her PC, even though she was messaging with him on her phone.) Take AS's advice, do not confront until you have the evidence you need. Otherwise she will start jumping through hoops to hide things.


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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Something is up. Not sure if she was with OM but it sounds pretty clear she was lying about where she was going. I think the bottom line here is that like many WAS's, she already considers you divorced except for some pesky legal document filed somewhere. So she's doing what she wants to do, and doesn't feel obliged to tell you what it is. This is very typical behavior with waywards. You don't really have enough evidence to confront her. If you do confront her she's going to gaslight you until you're questioning your own sanity. So I wouldn't confront. If you really need to know then hire a PI and get it over with. The "not knowing" was driving me crazy in my sitch until I finally said to myself that I would just assume the worst and proceed accordingly. So I just assumed she was having an A, and the interesting thing was that after that, I no longer cared about the texting in the bathroom and the falling asleep with her phone in her hand and the mysterious times she went missing with no explanation. That for me was the beginning of detachment.


Originally Posted by AnotherStander
And if and when you do confront her, there is no need for lengthy explanations. Short and simple. There is nothing that has more impact than a brief statement such as "I know what you are doing and it is unacceptable." Queue the gaslighting. "What? I'm not doing anything, you're paranoid. What is this "evidence" that you think you have? Maybe you're the one having an affair! I bet you're doing this to try and cover your own guilt!" Don't fall for it. "I don't need to explain, I know, and there's nothing more to say." Then walk out of the room.




"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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