Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 11 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,381
Likes: 21
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,381
Likes: 21
Link

Originally Posted by Coach
Make sure you stay busy now, certain days/times will get to you, be self-aware. She is hurting right now so watch your tone and message. Really listen to her beyond the words. She knows she is hurting you and the kids, just because it was her choice doesn't mean you can't show compassion. If you can't muster it up just be still.
Make some changes in the house when she leaves, rearrange furniture, move paintings, lamps etc.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,381
Likes: 21
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,381
Likes: 21
Link


Originally Posted by Gerda


I just wanted to say --

CHOOSE YOUR KIDS! And tell them you are choosing them! Tell them you had this plan but you realized that you really missed them and didn't want to lose even a half day of the time you get to see them, and that even being in the house when they are upstairs watching TV is way more important to you than a camping trip with anyone anytime. They will love it! As a woman who has spent her life since being a teen working with teens, I assure you -- from what I read here, your daughter is clearly really struggling, and the thought of her locked in her room kills me, and I don't even know her beyond a few lines I have read in your posts. She is hurting.

I have made the decision to give up so much of my life just to be available for my son any time he wants or needs me, just for these couple of years when he wants that. Think of how fast the baby years went by, and all the times that you wished you had taken even more joy of that time. The teen years are the same, but in addition, her emotional needs as a teen girl with a crazy mom are beyond what you can imagine. I was that girl though maybe my mom was more crazy than your W. My dad was not an MLCer but he was pretty difficult and did many hurtful things. If I had had a dad like you, things would have been very different. Maybe I wouldn't even have ended up with a future crazy husband if I hadn't been so screwed up in the parent-attachment department.

I don't mean to be dramatic, but I am not going to be kindly polite about it like my boards-best-friend DnJ. I'm gonna be vehement and bossy. I don't think you should worry about your future relationship with your brothers-in-law on any level; I think you should keep enjoying their company when they initiate it. But I think you should invite them to be with you and your kids more often than being with them alone as "bros." Either way,I would drop anything and everything any time your kids not only need you, which might be obvious, but just when they kinda want you. So many times I have sensed that my son wanted me to be near, even when he was being a royal pain in my rear and was just playing video games and occasionally barking out orders for food. And every single time, after being terrible to me, by the time I went to sleep, he was pouring out his heart to me, holding my hand to fall asleep, asking me for a hot water bottle (he carries stress in his belly) and just leaning with all his soul into me. (Something I can only bear up under by leaning with all my soul into God!)



"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,381
Likes: 21
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,381
Likes: 21
Link


Originally Posted by DnJ

Detachment vs indifference.

This is for the viewpoint towards our spouse, it is what we most struggle with. However one can be attached, detached, indifferent to any person, place, or thing.

Detachment is when your emotional state is not directly affected by your spouseís emotional state, behaviours, or actions.

It is the opposite of attachment, where your emotions change depending on your spouseís emotions, behaviour, or actions. Your emotional response is based on an irrational coupling to your spouse. This emotional response is uncontrolled and unavoidable.

We all remember being attached. When your spouse treated you badly, you felt bad or sad. When they behaved nicely towards you, you felt so much better. Then they left with OP kissing on the way out the door and you crash into depression and fear. You could not control your emotions, they changed based on your spouse.

As more rational ideas and thoughts gain foothold, more control over your responses is attained. When you are detached it is not, that you donít feel anything, you can still get upset, sad, whatever - you can just rationally see the reason and you are in control. You are not riding that emotional rollercoaster. A step towards indifference.


Indifference is the absence of feelings, or very little feelings, for your spouse. Where in detachment you could be still very much in love, just not irrationally dragged along - in indifference you do not have those passionate feelings.

Some say hate is the opposite of love. Not true. Both are born in the crucible of passion and are but a razor edge apart. We have all experienced those times where the person we love (our spouse) does something so stupid, or wrong, or hurtful - we suddenly hate them. Of course we get over it and love returns. We are deeply passionate towards our spouse and love and hate are passionate emotions.

Indifference is nothing, neutral, bland, the opposite of passion. It is like the feelings one has for a stranger, maybe even less. Indifference for your spouse does seem more than indifference for others. Their actions and our own defence mechanisms put more protection, more walls, more indifference between us and our spouse than between us and some man off the street. It does make sense, our spouses hurt us greatly, and our healing would cause a greater disconnect in response to the greater hurt.

Indifference can, and sometimes does, get to the point of just not caring about them anymore. Our spouses have this mastered. Some of you have experienced this from your spouse and know just how great indifference can become.

However, for most LBS, we still care. Our feelings of love for our spouse is lessened. However our love still exists in our thoughts and core beliefs. It is here that something amazing takes place, deep within who you are, and defined by your beliefs.

That love that you know you have, you believe in, will grow. It will transcend, freed from the boundaries of passion, it becomes more - you love unconditionally.

Without the love/hate passion, you love based on reason, faith, who they were, who you are, your long lives together, a belief that they are still inside trapped somewhere - you will love based on whatever your core values are. You will love with out the constraints of passion. You will love them, who there are, and it will have no detraction due to feelings of dislike or hatred. This is how it becomes unconditional - love based on beliefs instead of feelings.

A love like that leads to forgiveness.

A love like that brings peace.



"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,381
Likes: 21
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,381
Likes: 21
Link


Originally Posted by Steve85
I had found her FB messenger messages to OM. I was too impulsive and confronted her. I wish I had just watched and monitored.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,381
Likes: 21
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,381
Likes: 21
Link

Quote
If she is having an EA, I have the home court advantage. I see her in person daily, she can see I'm a great dad and I can beat the guy at his own game.

Originally Posted by AnotherStander


You can't compete with an EA. With you comes all of the daily problems and challenges of life. An EA can be whatever she imagines it to be- riding into the sunset on a white stallion with a bare-chested he-man. If you think showing her how awesome you are at cleaning house, taking out the trash, doing laundry and caring for the kids can compete with that, well you're wrong. It's a classic LBS mistake though, doubling down on beta behavior when you should be finding your alpha self.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,381
Likes: 21
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,381
Likes: 21
Link


Originally Posted by Jack_Three_Beans
Speaking as a former LBS to a MLC spouse.

You will get through this. You will survive. Quite possibly you will be come a better person for this. A better parent, and have better skills in relationships.

There is no logic in your MLC spouse. No logic that will make sense to you. Trying to figure them out is a waste of your time and it [censored] you in.

MLC is a process and a journey they must go through on their own. During this time they will make horrible choices from your perspective and others as well. They will burn bridges and lose the respect of people around them. IT is not your job to prevent this, you cannot.

What you can do is help them rebuild, later if you are around when they come out of it. You can support them, because they will be so fragile and broken. They will not believe that you could forgive them. You might not believe you can either.

Your children are not your support during this process, you do not use them against the MLCer. You do not make them into allies, you protect them, and you are their support. You do your best to kill the vicious cycle and prevent your children from going down the MLC road later on in life and doing this to another person.

You could get through this if only they didn't do this to the children. The children do not become your excuse to be angry at your spouse. You take on the responsibility of a single parent now and you become the best single parent in the world. Shower your kids with love, but, very important you also have the responsibility to raise good people later. Bear that in mind, do not over compensate. Your children will be ok as long as you are.

The OM/OW is a symptom. The numbers of MLCers who have PA are staggering, it means nothing. Do not ever compare yourself to the OM/OW. EVER.

Time.
This takes time.
In the time you will gain the skills needed to keep your balance. And you will want a level ride.
One day the MCLer might say something that gives you great hope and the next take it away when you find out they have plans with the OM/OW for a clothing free weekend at a local BnB.

If they saying that gets your hopes up...be very very wary. Be suspicious and really do not get your hopes up. Because like a roller coaster, these 'highs' almost always are followed by a steep steep and fast decent.

It is your job to make sure the ride you are on is more like a float down a nice clam river and not the Tower of Terror at your amusement park.

In my experience the path back for the MLCer is NOT preceded by something amazingly wonderful like a statement of love, but a whisper of doubt.

You will snoop, do better.

You will make mistakes and go against the advice here. Get up dust yourself off and move forward.

LEARN. If you try something and it doesn't work, don't do that again, anytime soon. It might work later, but it certainly isn't going to work anytime soon.

This, all of this that you are going through?
This MLC, your marriage...it isn't over until YOU say it is.
You have the control in this. You have all the control in this.
Your marriage isn't over until you say it is.

DO not look to far down the road. Just look a few days at a time. In some cases a few hours.

You will change your mind, many times. You will give up you will stand, you will give up. You are allowed to and you will have our support here.

2x4's here have a purpose. They are wake up calls, do not be afraid of them.

You are not a loser or a doormat. You are a person fighting for your marriage in the most unlikely way, by not fighting.

You cannot beat down an MLC, you can outlast it. The MLCer is going to hit you hard and hit you often. You are going to not be there to be hit (distance, not snooping, not trying to figure them out, not confronting about the OM) you are going to dance around and avoid as many hits as you can. And instead of hitting back, you are going to watch them fall when they are done, and if you are still around you are going to help them up and tend to their wounds. You aren't going to fix them, you are NOT the white knight, the princess/prince has to save themselves. But you can be by their side and show them love.

That is how this can end.

In the process, you will learn not to controlling, to stop being a fixer, to learn that while you do not NEED them in your life, you like it if they were.

They will come through this feeling like a monster, you will need to show them that they are not. They might have been, but when they truly come out they will think that forgiveness will be beyond them.
You will need to show them that they are wrong by your actions.

This, all of this is for you, nothing here will fix an MLC...however, everything here can fix you.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,381
Likes: 21
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,381
Likes: 21
Link


Originally Posted by Vanilla
I am a master at dealing with this: see my thread

Let's categorize

Spew- incoherent rubbish designed to put you on edge.
Correct response: STFU and walk away

Abusive spew: incoherent rubbish designed to but you on edge and insult
correct response: STFU and walk away, next day correct boundary infringement

Rant-
all of your "faults" that annoy them designed to release anger for them at your expense
Correct response- STFU and then validate " I can see why you might think that"

Abusive rant- designed to release anger for them at your expense and insult
Correct response- STFU and walk away, next day correct boundary infringement

Sulk- make you feel small for wrong doing
Correct response- STFU and ignore, act as if did not happen

Rail- designed to press your buttons keeps on about one issue, can even involve following you to the loo
Correct response- STFU and leave to go GAL

Disappear- designed to make you worry and apprehensive
Correct response- STFU detach and act as if all ok

Tantrum- no purpose whatsoever but feels good
Correct response- STFU and look surprised

Blame- design to shift responsibility
Correct response- validate and deflect if not responsible, if are responsible diffuse by accepting responsible then apologize then walk away

In all sitches detach and if necessary act confused.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,381
Likes: 21
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,381
Likes: 21
Link


Originally Posted by Vanilla
Go sit with S, give him a warm hug, tell him you love him.

Hold, squeeze then tickle.

Just sit together watching TV , playing a game, drinking hot chocolate.

Be still and love, then have a pillow fight



"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,381
Likes: 21
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,381
Likes: 21
Link

Originally Posted by Wonka
I think it's time for another chat with S11 about his need to 'take care of you' for it is an hellva burden on such young shoulders. And you can say that he does not need to report everything you say or do to his Mom and vice versa for her. I sense that he's in the "people pleaser" spot. What do you think?



Originally Posted by Wanka

I also wanted to address W's comment about not meaning to hurt your or wanting any of this. It's time for you to be authentic with some selective truth darts. Doesn't mean that you get all Wet Noodle and tell her of every hurt & negative emotion.

Here's a suggestion for the next time W trots out the same friggin script on you:

W, you've said this several times. To me, it is meaningless because if one is sincere in their apology, then effort would have been made to change the behavior that is causing damage to the family...especially to our marriage. I'm not seeing any genuine actions from you to end things with the OM completely. We are in this situation precisely because I am NOT willing to continue to live in an open marriage. You've made a choice where there's consequences. Very serious indeed. So don't talk to me like this....it's insulting.


Quote
IF she presses you, then TELL her that. "W, you SAY these things about regretting your choices, but then you continue to make those same choices, so really, I'm at a loss as to what you expect or want me to say, b/c clearly, nothing I say can change your plans...."


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,381
Likes: 21
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,381
Likes: 21
Link

Originally Posted by HPoirot

I'm remembering all the amazing advice I've received in just this thread alone about how to respond to her. Just text "What is it?" and leave it to her to explain herself. Don't make a big deal about it. Don't be surprised or outraged or otherwise moved by anything she says or does. Everyone here has said it again and again she's just wants to regain control and in her mind make me the bad bitter one b/c I won't play happy family with my wayward W. Just accept it and keep moving.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Page 8 of 11 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard