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Originally Posted by brandnewday
In answer to your question.....

There will be no Hollywood ending....sorry!

If you are expecting your Husband to show up on bended knee, with chocolates, roses and a box from Tiffany's, get over it.

For them to come back, and actually want to come back they are going to have to see that you are not the same person they walked out on.

Changes have to be made. Unfortunately, their changes take much longer, and it will take a long time for their growth to catch up to yours.

In the beginning when they come home they will still be testing you and watching you to see if you have truly forgiven them and are a safe person.

There will be MLC moments from time to time and the piecing requires alot of patience.

It takes time for them to feel comfortable in their own skin again.

The apologies will come and the remorse and bits and pieces of their adventure out in lala land. This will happen when they are ready to talk. They can't be bombarded with questions.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Originally Posted by Steve85
GAL is not a temporary, just get me through my sitch thing. It is a lifelong thing. We should always be GAL! Just like we should always be self-improving (180s) and always being in a healthy level of self-differentiation (detachment).


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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2019-11-06
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2870999#Post2870999
Originally Posted by curtis7
1 year post BD. This has been the most painful year of my life, but I made it, I survived. I am a better and stronger person. It has been an emotional roller coaster, but it gets easier every day. I have learned how to become more self aware and understand the impact of my words and actions. I have experienced the power of validation and importance of detaching from outcomes. I am grateful for what I do have in life and try not to focus on what I donít have or canít control. I am a better father and if my MR ever R, I will be a better H.

I am still married to my WAS/WW, no papers have been filed. That may be one of the goals of DB, but itís more about the LBS becoming the person they want to be, moving to a healthier mindset. Setting boundaries that protect ourselves and command respect. The reality is limbo [censored]. Accept it and make the best of it for yourself and your kids. I donít know what the future holds, but a year from now I feel confident that I will be in an even better place.

I encourage all newcomers to listen and follow the advice of the vets on the board. You will save yourself a ton of pain and suffering the earlier you are able to recognize your situation for what it is, DB, 180, follow Sandiís rules, set boundaries, detach, and GAL.

I never thought I would be here a year after BD. Itís true that this is a marathon and not a sprint. Enduring lies, cheating, and utter disrespect from the person that swore their life to you and vowed to forsake all others is a monumental undertaking. These trials can tear you down in the moment, but you will emerge stronger and better prepared to identify, handle, and thrive in future hardships. I commend every LBS that stands for their MR and does the right thing for themselves, their kids, and their WAS (even though they donít know it right now). Just remember that the LBS has the power to decide when enough is enough.

My story continues...



2019-07-02
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2855569#Post2855569
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Greetings, this post lays out the potential plan and options Iím considering to follow in the coming weeks and months. This is the culmination of my research reading relationship and self-help books, listening to podcasts, watching videos on cheating, following advice from vets on my thread and others, and scouring countless sitches here to find what works and doesnít work.

I have given a lot of thought on whether to stay or go due to the Infidelity and chose to stay for a period of time. I accept that BD and the Aís mean the end of my first MR, but I still would like to start a new MR with my W. I have chosen to love and forgive. I have recovered, worked on myself, and am ready to extend this choice to her.

I have listed these in the sequence I would intend to follow and the likelihood that WW would go ballistic by me taking these steps.

1. Ask W to attend RetroV

Simple question to WW, without much pressure. Gives her the opportunity to look at the program info and decide if our 18 year R is worth 1 weekend of participating. The hope is she would attend, listen to the presenting couples, really start to communicate with me, and have a life changing experience to realize that our MR isnít that bad and can get better. I know that many donít recommend RetroV until the WAS has expressed interest in R, however, I donít see much harm in asking if sheís willing to attend. My expectation is low that she would agree to go.

2. Ask W to attend MC

Honestly, Iím not a fan of this option based on her mindset and active Aís. Even if she agreed to go, I donít know that I could actually find a pro-MR C that would be able to get her to look at us from a different perspective. I have much higher hopes with RetroV based on the format and environment. I would probably skip over this one in the short-term.

3. Ask Sandi2 to talk sense into WW

Mildly joking...but seriously Sandi, I would pay for your flight to Florida and I have a nice guest room in a pool home. How does that sound?

4. Continue giving W time and space

Iím really at the point where Iím over this. Patience is hard, especially when you know the betrayal and lies continue. First known PA was over 7 months ago and sheís had multiple APs, Iím not a martyr to wait forever for her to come out of the fog / valley on her own without action.

5. Confront WW on what I want, reinforce boundary, give her the choice, and move forward.

This is the option that I have researched the most and is coupled with letting her go and tough love. I have read dozens of sitches that addressed confrontation followed by a hard stance of enforcing boundaries with consequences, going dim/dark, moving forward, and/or filing for D. Obviously, each sitch is somewhat unique and this approach has varying levels of success. Timing is critical.

Iíve read many posts from PuppyDogTails, RobX, Sandi2, R2C, AS, Steve85, LH19, TxHubby, Joejoe1, Coach, Greek, Wonka, TimeHeals, FightingFit, GH31, Rockedworld, Theoden, SmileysPerson, Zues126, CDBear, Pinhead, etc. containing scripts and outcomes on confrontation. I highly recommend newcomers read sitches of the DBers listed above when considering whether to apply Tough Love.

Iím still working on scripts and the strength of the statements to make. I have a few different versions that Iím refining. The basic message is to say that waiting for her to makeup her mind is no longer working for me. As long as sheís disrespecting me, our MR, and our family by having a relationship with someone else, that she cannot have a relationship with me. If she continues to contact OM, I will consider all of my options, including D. I tell her that Iím moving forward with my life, then go dim/dark, stop feeding cake (try to get the horse off my property), and only communicate logistics regarding kids.

The goal here is to regain some respect, open the cage door, and let her go to maybe hit rock bottom.

6. File for D w/out notice

Self explanatory. My beliefs and morals have been compromised far too long as it is. Start moving down the path to restore a life that aligns with my moral compass.

7. Let her know we wonít be friends

This option follows one of PuppyDogTails confrontations with his WW. Here is the script:
ĒI should be clear with you about something. I have absolutely no intention of remaining 'best friends' with you if you choose to end our marriage this way -- by having an affair, running away, and lying to your parents and our children about it. We'll be civil, and we'll co-parent effectively, I'm sure, but we won't be friends. If you decide to end your affair now, however, and come back and work on this with me, going to marriage counseling, each of us addressing our issues, and it doesn't work out -- say after a year -- and we choose to divorce, then yes, I could see a time where eventually we could become good friends again, even though it won't be the same. But not what you're doing now, I'm sorry. This is NOT how friends treat each other, and I respect myself too much to put up with a so-called 'friend' who would do that to me."

I share Puppyís sentiments regarding how my WW chose to BD, lie, cheat, and separate without ever giving me a chance. If my sitch continues down this path, I have no problem delivering this message.

8. Send group text to APs

Tell the multiple OM to stay away from my W and stop destroying a young family or possibly better yet let them know about her lies with multiple partners and let them battle it out. Unlikely that I would take this step, but rather take the high road as opposed to these predators.

9. Expose the Aís to her family and friends

AllenA was a staunch supporter of exposing the A to everyone. Puppy is another that applied this approach.

Here are some excerpts from AllenAís posts:

ďPublicly expose her choosing an affair over her family and her home... make sure all her friends and family KNOW and that they also know you want to save your marriage. Educate them that you want to save your marriage and that you have invited your wife to work on the marriage and she is choosing to pursue her affair instead. SAY it like that. You putting all that pressure on her is what forces her to make a real tough choice...This is the best way to end this for you... Cut her OFF at the knees and see if she comes to her senses...Not all do, but its the best chance you have...Choosing
a. Marriage
b. infidelity.
These are the choices...Ē

ďItís also your job to protect your wife from the "grass is greener mentality" and momentary infatuations - these aren't MEN she's cheating with, they are PREDATORS.. they are exploiting her emotional vulnerability, it is your responsibility to protect her from THEM. Pursue no, PROTEST and EXPOSE -- YES. Educate your wife, get her into family therapy and teach her what marriage means in relation to an affair... and the dangers of infatuations and fantasy... she will just get used and hurt in the long run... my wife got used bigtime.Ē

I know that MWD is not an advocate of exposure:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2238652#Post2238652

AS and others currently posting regularly donít seem to be either: ďI think most LBS's are hoping it moves them from Plan B status to Plan A, but it never, ever does. It just creates a lot of resentment in the WAS, and usually the A will continue but go even deeper undercover (their attitude usually becomes "it's us against the world"). The thing is, she's separated and most WAS's don't consider it an "affair" after separation, to them they're just moving on to a new R. They think they're only "married" in the sense that some pesky piece of paper filed somewhere says so. I know you don't agree with that but that's her point of view right now.Ē

Highly unlikely that I would take this step as it doesnít seem to leave the road home paved and smooth. I just view this approach as causing far too much damage that kills any will to return. Not going to spend many calories on this option.

Ok community, thatís all I have right now. Feel free to weigh in with your comments, feedback, recommendations, 2x4ís, etc. I do appreciate everyone taking the time to read my sitch and contribute. It has helped me immensely in taking positive steps emotionally and with my life in general since BD.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Originally Posted by Burned
Could use some advice on how to make this happen.....go out like an alpha male....
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
I can not claim to be an Alpha male, but I can claim to be a dominate male.

If I found out my woman was having an affair with another man, I would not be happy about it, but I would not tolerate one part of it. I would happily help her pack her stuff up and send her out the door to be with OM. I would file for D. Anyone asks, I would reply "It ran it's course."

I would make it absolutely clear that she is not welcome back. "I will not share my woman with any man" "I do not want to be with a woman that does not want to be with me"


IF SHE started begging be to take her back, I would be very hesitant and first insist on a "I am ending all contact text,email,letter"....lots more I would do, but that is where I would start.


Not sure if I am breaking the rules by quoting myself. I guess I have to test the boundaries.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Thanks again mate for your tireless efforts in collating this thread. I cant underscore how often I refer to it.

I think I can speak for everyone here in saying we'd like to see more of your own quotes.

Cheers, DS


Me: early 40's
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T: 15
M: 5
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Originally Posted by DS9
Thanks again mate for your tireless efforts in collating this thread. I cant underscore how often I refer to it.
My pleasure. I also have notebooks with quotes from books. Very helpful as well.

Originally Posted by DS9
I think I can speak for everyone here in saying we'd like to see more of your own quotes.
Start digging: eek crazy
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&id=19238


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
[quote=DS9]I also have notebooks with quotes from books. Very helpful as well.


Me too. I've got a ring binder with printed off stuff. If I was more organised I'd index it.



Mate, I'm 'following' you and some other vets on this forum so I can already keep up to speed with your posts. I put one of your quotes here, but found it very difficult to do and took about ten minutes with multiple windows open. I'll need t work out how to do it quicker.

Cheers, DS


Me: early 40's
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Originally Posted by Coach

When I advocate being friends while in the DB mode it is of the "tough love" approach. It's business like, it's centered on my best interests, it's brutally honest and it's loving at the core. The reason it works is because like what Gucci preaches is that I am "moving on," I am a better me - secure and confident (did the work on myself), I won't repeat/tolerate unhealthy relationship patterns, I am leading myself out of this mess and if you want to be married to me great hop on board.
One of the hardest things I had to do was hire a lawyer, scared me to death. My biggest screw ups around my wife involved legal stuff. But I know that playing legal hard ball back showed that I was not going to roll over. I know it scared my wife as well because it was part of the "moving on" process. Your friend sues you, how are you going to act? I understand the confusion and fine line this represents. I am getting a knot in my stomach just thinking about this. The nice guy, friend in me had a hard time taking this step.
My wife moving out/filing D papers was not a "friendly" gesture but it showed me she was moving on. It was actually a loving gesture for herself and in the long run for me. She broke the unhealthy patterns. Moving on means I care enough about myself to take care of myself. We project that out as being selfish, in a fog, and having a wall up. Moving on is saying to yourself that you matter. You are moving on to a healthier, wiser, stronger and richer place for yourself. People notice movement, the waiting place is a slow death and not attractive. Healthy, vibrant movement is a deal-maker. Move is a verb so go get busy.

Cheers



Originally Posted by orangedog
One of the best things I ever said to her was during that last week in reference to feeling squashed and a SSM. "I'm looking inside and I'm doing this work because whether it's with you or someone else, I won't allow those things to happen in a relationship again."


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Originally Posted by Gypsy

Because of a very rebellious teenager, I started reading on how to talk with teens. I learned to use simple declarative statements, talk less than they did (if they said 12 worlds, I'd say 8; if they said 5, I'd say 3) and listen. And to allow awkward silence. If my mouth stayed shut, my teenager would eventually start talking to fill in the silence. After all, what's brewing beneath the surface takes a while to percolate. It came in handy when my spouse abruptly left.

"Codependent No More" is one of the best books I've ever read. I never realized I was a poster child for codependence. Everything I'd done had been to help others, part of taking care of the ones I loved. Imagine my shock when I realized that what I thought was helpful was controlling and in the end hurtful.

It's a learning process not to 'help', double check, do it all. People.. spouses, children, friends.. learn by doing not by being told. And I truly believed I was someone who let my kids learn.. but whoops.. I did too much. They could learn but I had trouble letting them fail. Phrases like "I need your help for..." works wonders.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Originally Posted by PuppyDogTails
There is nothing inconsistent in advocating a tough stance in GENERAL, yet recommending softening when appropriate. Whether you're an NFL head football coach or a guy trying to DB, it's always easier to go from being the hard-ass who then "grows/softens in the position" towards his players, than the other way around. Tom Coughlin (NY Giants) would be a successful example of the former; my Jaguars' Jack del Rio an example of the folly of the latter.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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