Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,376
Likes: 20
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,376
Likes: 20
Link

Originally Posted by DnJ
Good Morning Everyone

Another new thread.

Gets easier every time. This is my fifteenth thread, and like creating a new thread, our new lives, our new habits and duties become easier, commonplace, and feel normal. smile

I seem to reflect at the start of a new thread. Take stock, see where I am, where Im going, and how far Ive come.

I had some interesting conversations with some people at work and IRL. The conversations were similar so Ill use one as an example. I was having lunch with good friend, one of the many who stood by me during all this. I told her Im back. Im finally back. She said Youve been back for a while now. I did acknowledge that and agreed. Yes, Ive been back for a while.

You see, Ive given myself a few months each time as a new stage emerged. Time to see if it is going to stick or not. To see if my feelings regarding it will change or not. To see if my thoughts change or not.

Ive felt like I was back for a while. My thoughts came first, clearheaded, logical, reasoned, and so forth. Feelings confirmed this idea of being back to myself, well DnJ 2.0. My current status is - Yes, Im back. I believe it, there is something inside, a force, a confidence, a conviction - Lol, beliefs are hard to put into words, they are made from thoughts, feelings, and something else, something very deep and personally defining.

As I said, others have seen that Ive been back for a while. Ive finally embraced and accepted this latest arrival along a growing list that creates my path.

I have way more good days than bad. I still have hope, and lots of encouragement within. And apparently still more topics I would like to discuss. Oh, a cliffhanger, a teaser. smile

Have a great day my friends.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,376
Likes: 20
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,376
Likes: 20
Link

Originally Posted by KCameron
NO R TALKS. I don't want them. I won't initiate them and I won't participate in them. Almost every one I have had since this all started, and there have only been a few, are futile, upsetting and likely not grounded in current reality. The only R talk I will hear and participate in starts, with, "let's talk about working things out." Otherwise, go talk to yourself. I don't want to hear it.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,376
Likes: 20
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,376
Likes: 20
Link


Originally Posted by hoosjim
Start by "doing the next thing". Google it if you don't know what i mean.

I and many others here hear you and understand your pain (and, boy, how we understand it... trust me) but you are wallowing. You need to get moving. Start small, but DO IT.

We're all here for you and pulling for you, but at the end of the day you've got to do this on your own... But you CAN do this... we've all been there before and it [censored] and it feels like death... but that's precisely why you need to get moving and dig yourself out of this. YOU have value... YOU have lots to offer... YOU can have an awesome life with or without your WAH... but that awesome life is not going to happen on its own. So get moving. Do the next thing...

Sending up thoughts, prayers, and cyber-hugs for you.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,376
Likes: 20
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,376
Likes: 20



Link

Originally Posted by jamesjohn-Nathan
You asked if DBing has ever worked for anyone. I can relate to that question. Back when I first posted I asked the very same question and I received a response from Michele herself. Her response was "...Not everyone rides off into the sunset," but many do.... or something similar to that. I remember that response to this very day. It let me know that, although there is no guarantee, there is a good chance if you allow for it. After that I read here like crazy. I read books (I think I purchased around 10-15)....I still hoped & DB'd like crazy. I realized I had to do it for me. In the end, no matter the outcome, I would know I left no stone unturned.

I must say I was about to give up towards the end for real (and many small moments in between). I read somewhere that you will know when you are ready.


The one thing that she says made the biggest difference is the changes that she saw in me. You may not think she is watching, but she is. My goal became one of luring her back, not pulling her back. I did what I needed to do to make myself a man a woman would want to be proud of having for a husband. I had no idea if it would pay off or not. I continued to hope for the best, but prepared myself for whatever the outcome came to be. For right or for wrong, I guess I wanted her to look at me and realize I was a good man after all, and wonder why she ever left me go. I guess it worked, in the end she decided that she didn't want to lose me after all.

There was a period when I "Let go" and left her to her own. I left the door opened and kept warming the fire so to speak. I had to leave it up to her to come in from the cold. However, I kept making the fire look more and more inviting.

It's sort of like getting a wild animal trained to eat from your hand. It takes patience, patience, patience, and the food sent to lure them closer each time. If you try to approach the animal to MAKE it eat, it will run away from you and it will be more cautious of you in future attempts. If you keep repeating what made the animal run away, it will eventually give up and walk away for good, realizing that you keep repeating what it doesn't care for. You need to built the trust, figure out what works, what doesn't and keep trying till you are satisfied that you've done all you can.

I wish you the best and if things work out, the hard work will all be worth it. I became the success story that I had hoped for. It can happen, but you must work and work hard and give it the chance and believe. No gold, silver or bronze medalist never got there because they didn't believe and strive. However, there are still those that did believe, but still never got a medal. I still doubt that they regret not trying, for if they didn't, there existed not even the remotest chance of success. So if you want to achieve, you need to get a game plan and take baby-steps. One of the simplest goals I set was to simply make my bed every day. Sounds kind of goofy, but there were days when even that seemed to be a challenge. It was a simple thing but it was a start. Something amazing happens when you do that. I began to MAKE myself make the bed whether I felt like it or not. That then lead to other things which caused me to progress from there.


Found that post from this thread(successful men):
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=455497


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,376
Likes: 20
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,376
Likes: 20
Link


Originally Posted by Steve85
Accept 50% of the blame for the problems in your MR. That 50% is all on you. Guess who is responsible for the other 50%? So until she is ready to own up to her part in this then you owning up will just be seen as weak. Remember, attraction for women is about respect! Accepting more than you are responsible for will be seen as beta behavior and not worthy of respect.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,376
Likes: 20
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,376
Likes: 20
Link


Originally Posted by David


I had made some serious changes in my life. I had made major shifts in my priorities. I had read everything I could concerning how women feel, what women want in a relationship and what women find attractive in a man. I read Micheles "Divorce Busting" over and over. Each time I read "Divorce Busting" I found something that I had missed the prior time.

I also relied heavily upon my own belief mechanism which is, simply, whatever you truly believe in will become your reality. If I could see myself as an unconditional friend to my wife, irrelevant to my own self-serving and egotistical, natural human tendencies, I would truly become able to BE an unconditional friend.

Believe me, it does take two, ultimately, to keep the marriage together. But a single partner in the marriage can make the difference in whether the other partner wishes to remain in the marriage. My wife was able to see me in a different light during tough time in our marriage the second time around. She saw me handle, in a solution focused manner, what fate tossed at me. She was also able to observe me under pressure. After all was said and done, she had witnessed someone that had truly changed.

I am posting this so whoever reads it can know that Divorce Busting works. Divorce Busting not only works to get your relationship back or back in order, but it also works to keep your relationship in order. When things get tough, whether you are with your partner or not, remember the methods of Divorce Busting. If you dont remember them all, just pull out the book and read it again. Believe me, you will find some things that you skipped the prior time.

If you are working on making changes in yourself this is great, but also work on keeping the changes you have made permanent changes. You must spend a regular amount of time on keeping the changes you are now making and the changes that have made in the past, a permanent part of you. There will come a time when you will be tested. It is a fact that you are never so judged by others as when you are under pressure. Having made a statement, whether verbally or by your actions, that you have changed, will serve as an invitation for the testing of those changes. Be ready and willing to show anyone, anywhere and anytime that you can stand the test.

Most importantly, I am convinced, you must believe. I can attest, for myself at least, that my beliefs are my reality. Whatever you see yourself to be in your mind and believe, you will become. Period.

No matter where you are in the Divorce Busting process. Whether you just logged on today or have been logging on for a year or more, I am living testimony that:

DIVORCE BUSTING WORKS!!

Whatever you are doing in your own way, using Divorce Busting Techniques........please...

Keep at it and dont give up!!





"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,376
Likes: 20
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,376
Likes: 20
Link



Originally Posted by Gekko


W initiated physical contact with me for the first time since BD. She was trying to get past me in the kitchen with a tray of food and I had my back to her, and she stuck her butt out and knocked my leg as if I were in the way. I turned as she went by. I noticed she had plenty of room to get by without doing that. Then later she wanted a "family" photo of us with kids, which I obliged. My S was between W and I but she put her arm behind S and across to me, with her hand on my back, which she left there just a tiny bit longer than necessary after the picture was taken. At the end of the night, W left first and when saying goodbye tried to hold my gaze longer and her eyes had a flicker to them. So based on these developments the D is definitely off and we are now R'd....!!!!

I'm not looking at these tiny subtle little things from W at 13 months post-BD as having any consequence whatsoever. Whether a temp check, or feeling emotional and nostalgic at the holidays, or jealous due to my interacting with another woman, or an olive branch for friendship, or too much wine, or......, at the end of the day none of it really matters to me. I don't care enough to read the tea leaves or mind-read, I just don't. Why not? Because W would have to radically change some fundamental core parts of her personality in order to get me interested again. Otherwise, why in the world would I ever consider going back for more of the same? No chance, as in zero chance. I have faced the hard truth that I want to be with a woman whose is the opposite of W in many ways. While there is a certain sadness that comes with this realization, there is also an incredible feeling of liberation, and hopefulness and excitement for a future R with an amazing person who has what I'm looking for.

So again the question arises why am I here if I am not trying to DB? What value does my story offer? Is it helping or hurting all those here who so desperately want to R? I know posting here has helped me tremendously, but at what cost to others? I doubt I'll provide the successful R story that so many want to hear, one that will make them feel like maybe it will happen for them too. Most others here won't provide that success story either I'm afraid, but at least they have a DB goal of saving their M and are thus more relatable. I've got a different thing going in my sitch, a different mindset. So sure I wonder what am doing here on a DB forum? I have felt compelled to surf here and post about my sitch, that's all I can say, so here I am again. But I continue to have a lot to think about as I am turning the page to a new and more incredible life.



"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,376
Likes: 20
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,376
Likes: 20
Link

Originally Posted by kml
Saw the new Mr Rogers movie yesterday. Tom Hanks was great. And it really inspires you to be a better person.

Today my son and I went to see Midway. Great cast, very well done. But man, war is the stupidest thing man has ever done.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,376
Likes: 20
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,376
Likes: 20
Link

Lots of wise quotes from the past. Read the whole thread.

Here is just ONE:
Originally Posted by JamesJohn-sparkie
Looking for answers vs looking for solutions.

You driving your car and you get a flat tire. You get out and:

A. Stand there staring at the flat tire, looking for an answer. What caused the tire to go flat? The answer may not be so obvious. Loose valve stem? Picked up a nail in the road? Rim leak? Could be one of many reasons but you're wasting time and not moving forward.

B. Think of a solution that will enable to continue on your way. What can I do to make this situation better. The solution is obvious, change the tire and go on your merry way. You'll find the answer later at the service station.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,376
Likes: 20
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,376
Likes: 20
Link



Originally Posted by jethro

6) Deep down, our Ses are still the same people we married. Over time, through all of the muck, they lost their way and are in a great deal of pain. Patience, forgiveness, kindness, and understanding (in the face of all the junk they are piling on top of us) are the only things that will help draw those people we married out again.
jethro


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard