Just keep DBing G. You can´t use logic with her, there´s no space for any reasoning. Use the info you are getting to get into a new you. AMOAFWL. That´s where you need to go.
You are getting plenty of really good advice. As Cadet always posts, use the time wisely.
Time, patience, DB. Trust the process. Be strong man.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Hello all, quick update, I am still deep in NC. W will text with trivial stuff, even wished me luck on a job interview. I try to delay my responses back to her, and that irritates her.
I have been fighting deep anxiety and depression daily. I did find that taking ST Johns Wort really helps me out. got it from Walmart.
how does every one real with being so d@mn lonely? I have no plans on walking, but what to do?
are there any standers here that have dated while standing, is that bad? I am sure I am not the only one that wonders this stuff....
it is coming up on a year since I was last sexual with my W. I really miss the smell of her hair and skin. I miss her so much. I just want someone to hold, if not her. what do I do????
Last edited by job; 01/25/2010:27 PM. Reason: edited language
Of course, your w gets irritated when you don't respond asap. She thinks that you should be sitting by the phone all of the time waiting for her to call and/or text you. She doesn't like it that you may have moved on w/your life. In her mind, she thinks you should be right where she left you.
At this time, are still considering standing and wanting to reconcile w/your wife? Dating is asking for a bit of trouble especially if you are still considering and hoping to reconcile w/your w at some point. What happens if you get involved w/someone and decide that you want to spend more time w/her and then your w wakes up? Adding a third person to the mix...well, someone will get hurt at some point. If you date, then you are giving your w the clear signal that it is okay for her to do it and that you won't have any issue w/her doing it.
Also, you've not had all that much time to work on yourself, grieve and heal from the loss of your marriage/relationship. You don't want to jump into the dating pool until you are feeling better about yourself. All you would be doing is putting a band aid on what is hurting deep within your soul. It is better to work on yourself, find some activities, such as a volley ball/basketball league, bowling, hiking, or take up some of those DYI courses that are offered at Lowes and Home Depot on the weekends.
Check out your local paper for activities that might be of interest to you. Have you completed the list of things that you have put off during the marriage that now can be done? Start making that list of things that you would like to do and get started on them.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just be yourself and absolutely no expectations if and when she reaches out. Treat her as you would a neighbor.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
As job said you have a huge hurt in your soul. Heal yourself first. Dating will hurt more. There are many stories on this board of people dating too soon and when still married. Many report back that they hurt themselves and the other person and sent themselves backwards on their own healing path. Imagine having that along with everything else to process.
Originally Posted by GOONIES
how does every one deal with being so d@mn lonely? I have no plans on walking, but what to do?
Originally Posted by GOONIES
it is coming up on a year since I was last sexual with my W. I really miss the smell of her hair and skin. I miss her so much. I just want someone to hold, if not her. what do I do????
Loneliness. Let’s discuss that.
The idea I want to get across is being alone is different than feeling alone.
Loneliness (and a great many other issues the LBS deals with) starts as a feeling. This feeling of lonely influences thoughts of a similar nature. These feelings and thought create and reinforce your beliefs. Soon you believe you are alone, which reinforces feeling and thoughts, and a vicious feedback loop tightens upon you.
Beliefs create your reality. If you believe you are alone than you will be.
If you believe you are happy than you will be.
This is not some word play. Beliefs are those deep convictions inside you. An internal force crafted from physical actions, emotions, thoughts, and yes your soul. Beliefs are rational and irrational - more than the sum of all their parts.
Now, loneliness is a troubling belief. It causes pain and sorrow. And fear. It is coupled irrationally to various activities and places in your life. Seeing this is the first step in “dealing with being so d@mn lonely”.
To alter a belief you need to break that feedback loop. Uncouple it. GAL. Physical activities influence thoughts and feelings.
Do this for an demonstration:
Smile. Seriously. Curve up the sides of your mouth and smile. Force it if you have to.
Now.
Frown.
When you smiled you felt it. No matter how deep in darkness you are; and I know just how dark it does get; physical actions like smiling influence feelings associated with that action. You smile, you feel joy and happy.
When you frown you feel sad and alone.
Physical action influences you. The fake it till you make it.
Physical is one of the “cars” you can directly control. I’ll post a link to my “cars” analogy for you. It is basically the four attributes of one’s path - physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual.
As I said physical you can directly control. You did after all smile on command. The other directly controlled “car” is intellectual - your thoughts.
Thoughts are the rational part of you. Logic and reason. Feelings and emotions do not exist in the intellectual realm. Along with physical activity, rationalizing your situation uncoupled the irrational binding of beliefs, fear, attachment, etc... Continued efforts in the intellectual and reasoned path yields influence upon emotions and beliefs. This is a slow process and takes mental assertiveness to achieve. Your sword and shield if you’ve read my postings.
Emotions you cannot directly control. That feeling of loneliness you cannot just “feel” away. Emotions are irrational and born outside of the realm of your direct control. We “control”, and this is not direct, emotions by using intellect and reason. Now emotions need to be expressed and accepted. Loneliness is no exception.
Carve out time, schedule it, to feel your emotions. This is an intellectual pursuit. The scheduling of time to feel is akin to forcing yourself to smile or frown. You are feeling the loneliness without the irrational trigger and attachments. This starts to allow you to rationalize your irrational coupling and break it. It’s the same for fear and a great many other things.
Your belief in being alone and lonely will start to alter. This is slow, so be gentle on yourself it does take time.
This is all well and good and you also need to start to replace that lonely feeling. More accurately, you don’t replace the feeling you let it wither, while reinforcing different and better emotions. Remember thoughts reinforce feelings and emotions. Use your thoughts and reason. Get in your intellectual car.
You have friends, family, work buddies, acquaintances, people here on this board, and so on. You are not alone on your journey.
Yes, there are times when you are by yourself. And you need not be lonely because of that. Turn those alone times into something to look forward to, an activity.
I love the night sky. The dark velvety blackness with thousand and thousands of stars piercing through it. I stand alone looking into the face of creation, the Milky Way splashed across the canvas above. No one around. And I feel so connected and full, definitely not lonely.
Alone - yes.
Lonely - no.
Watch movies, read, post, stargaze, whatever activities you want. I know at the beginning it is difficult to see that path. The GAL, get a life, is very important. You don’t know what you want to do. You’ve not done “alone” for a long time. Do different things, see what fits, what feels good. Not everything is going to be a win. That’s ok. You will learn what you do like and what you do not.
Going out for a fancy steak dinner, alone, for the first time - is such a weird and strange feeling. That is more a dating or couple thing - right? NO WAY! LOL. It took time for me to move passed that. Irrational uncoupling - I’m pretty good at it. And I do like to pass on what I’ve learned.
Originally Posted by GOONIES
it is coming up on a year since I was last sexual with my W. I really miss the smell of her hair and skin. I miss her so much. I just want someone to hold, if not her. what do I do????
I hope you can see why I posted this along with the lonely quote.
What to do????
Heal yourself before holding someone else.
Find the love for your life. Find the love of being by yourself.
I also miss the smell of my W’s hair. The feel of her skin. The return of an embrace. Irrational desires and longings.
Believe me, you get to a place where this is accepted and doesn’t hurt.
Go for a fancy steak diner then watch the night sky. Find peace in the vastness.
Thank you, I will reread this may times. I do love her, and I will wait for her. I wish I could see what was going on in her head, what she is thinking about, what she thinks will make her happy. does she think about me, is she second guessing herself. how close does she come to telling me she want to come home....
I wonder if I had done things different she would have stayed in the house , and I just gave her the time and space, I thought I was giving her then.
You do not want to be in her head. Right now, her brain is a jumbled mess, i.e., like swiss cheese. She's on an emotional journey and believe it or not, she has the memory of a gnat and what she thinks at this time will change in five minutes. She honestly doesn't know what will make her happy. She will try many things...but the bottom line is that happiness comes from within and not from just exterior things or persons.
Sure she thinks about you...but most of that thinking takes place at night, when all is quiet and there are not distractions to keep her from thinking about you. She has a lot of guilt and shame for what she's doing, but she has to complete this journey in order to face her childhood demons and accept the things that she wasn't responsible for at that early age. She will need to grow up and that will take quite some time. The crisis didn't happen over night, it took a very long time to come to the surface and it will take some time before she wakes up.
At this time, no one knows if and when she will wake up. You will be the last person that she will reconnect with. All of the disconnections that are taking place now, will be in reverse when she begins to wake up. For now, focus on today and leave the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
There is no right or wrong way when dealing w/someone in crisis. People in crisis that stay at home tend to drive their spouses to the point of being batty. Some think it is better for the MLCer to remain in the home...but I think it's better to let them go and face the world, make their mistakes and hopefully grown up and better more mature individuals.
Don't even think about the what ifs...just focus on today.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I get there is a certain amount of understanding required to move forward and let go. However, the what if’s, digging around try to figure out what would make her happy, is she thinking about me, etc... will drive you bonkers.
She doesn’t even know. She is a person in crisis. She is a mess right now.
My view, and it has changed since my first steps along this unwanted path I found myself upon, it is better for the crisis person to leave. They can grow up, unimpeded. It is probably also better for the LBS.
Now, at first I was so lost. I totally wished I had a MLCer that stayed in the home. I could show her my 180s and turn her around! Why couldn’t I be one of the lucky ones? Lol. Gosh, I was so naive.
The MLCer will do whatever it is they will do. Stay or go, really isn’t due to the LBS. The MLCer is broken and the LBS didn’t break them.
That is why nothing you do will fix them. Space and time; and lots of each. That’s what the MLCer needs.
You, focus on you. What you need. Your inner work. That’s the path for the LBS. And it is a most rewarding path; even though it does start out rather rocky and painful.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hello, if I may, I need to ramble/vent/let it go...
I am still having a really hard time with all of this.over the past few months I lost my job, and just sat at home mainly in bed, with the covers over my head most of the time. I am not sure why I have to have my head covered all the time, but I do. some how I found the desire to go out and find a new job. before all of this I was good at what I do, and made six figures doing it. now I just seem to barely get through the days. I cant wait to get home to get into bed and cover my head till the next day. I find myself siting in the bathroom at work crying. the pains in my gut just will not go away. I pray and ask for relief from this, I ask for the answers from God, but I have not seem to have heard them yet. I look around at the other people and wonder how come they get to have a normal day, why don't they have these problems too? if they do have these problems how come they seem to have it more together than I do, what made me so weak?? when she moved out I told her that it would be a financial disaster. she did not seem to care. after being out of work for a couple months , I am behind on everything. I try as much as I can not to interact with her. but, she still texts me. I just don't want to hear from her right now. no matter what I walk away feeling worse, every time. yesterday she said she was going to drop the babies off because she had something to do. no problem, any chance I can to see them, I will take it. the evil look and the dark dead eyes were to much. I knew that it was not going to end well. she again told me that she want more money form me, because I am not taking care of her like I should. she berates me in front of our D15. something that she would never have done prior to this. then after she leaves, she texts me and states that I don't know why I would think she has an endless supply of money, that she is stepping up-, and that she wishes I would try as hard as she is to make this work. I know that right now she is trying to hurt me with her cold heartless evil new personality, but she just does not seem to realize what I have and am going through, trying to rebuild myself. I hate to say it but it seems like she is trying to make me really go insane, or commit suicide. can she really be so heartless and hate me so much. I am the father to our 5 children, why does she think this is ok? I just want to learn to hate her they way she does me, but I cannot seem to do it, yet. I want to wish her all the bad, she has given to me. but I am so ignorant that I still believe there is hope. her cold dead eyes seem to say different. never in a million years think that my beautiful wife would turn so dark and evil. I am so lost, there just seems to be no hope for all this, and what kind of future does she think our children have with her new found evil? its like she embraces her new self. no of this makes any sense to me. I sometimes wonder if it is not MLC and she is possesed by some kind of demonic demon. all of this is just not the women I have been with for over 30 years. I am just so damn lost, and feel so hopeless. I was hoping that time would make it more bearable, but it seems to just get worse for me. I want to hate her so much, I know if I could hate her I would not care about her, and I could move on with out remorse, or regret. the past few days I have thought that maybe I need to go have myself committed. I am just at my wits end.....
