hello, I have been reading on this forum for a few months now. my story reads mush like every other LBS on here. so, I wont take up to mush space. BD was 05/09/2019. R33, M28, we are both 48, 5 Kids D23, S21,D15, and adopted D4 and S3. I have an idea what started her MLC. terrible abusive childhood, I discovered online EA one year ago, BD in may, found out she has had multiple PA since. wanted to reconcile in august, but still had PA. she moved out this week. I have never had a PA. I am guilty of online sexually innuendo, but never with the same person. inappropriate, yes I agree, now. but back then, I thought I was just being funny. she says I was having an affair every time I would make a comment on Facebook. I love my Wife dearly, I want her to come home. but, for now I am NC for now. I just don't want to see or talk to her. I know that I will because I want to see our three youngest that she took with her.
my question is this, I have no desire to be with any other women. I do not want to defile our marriage. I haven't been inteminte with her since 02/19. I do miss sex with her. but she is getting somewhere else while I wait for her. what should I do while I stand? I am so confused.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-65, D32,S31
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
my question is this, I have no desire to be with any other women. I do not want to defile our marriage. I haven't been inteminte with her since 02/19. I do miss sex with her. but she is getting somewhere else while I wait for her.
what should I do while I stand? I am so confused.
Welcome & sorry you're here. What do you want to do while you stand? Not literally stand and wait! You've been given your "homework". Read more on what you can do. Definitely do things for YOU. Work on being the best version of YOU. Get back into hobbies you've forgotten about or start new ones. Keep busy!
Best to you.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
I am new here as well. Do the homework as stated above, focus on improving yourself and look for advice here as you are doing now. With the help of this board I have learned the importance of detachment not only for your own well being but also but also it's the best thing you can do to give your relationship a fighting chance. That's the fuel I use to keep me focused and on track.
As far as the sex thing goes I have been struggling with that as well....I had an opportunity for casual sex and I was going to take it because I said, good for the goose, good for the gander type thing. However when I was confiding in a friend he gave me some wonderful advice. He told me to flip a coin; heads - I have sex and Tails - I reject the sex. So we flipped a coin and it was Tails - reject the sex. My friend asked me how I felt now that the decision was made for me, I told him I was relieved! So obviously I was not ready to take that leap. Whatever you decide make sure you are ready and can live with your decision there is no going back after if you make the wrong decision.
Sorry you are here, I hope you weather her storm till the black clouds break.
Last edited by job; 12/05/1903:11 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
thank you guys for responding with good advise. I cant believe we haven't be sexual for 10 months. she has, but I haven't. that makes it harder to deal with. typically after the WAS moves out, and no contact is followed, does the WAS start to come around, start trying to communicate, etc...
No contact on your part is to help you heal. If she's not been contact w/you, She will contact you when she either needs something or her curiosity gets the better of her. Don't worry too much about the no contact on her part. They all do it at first. They are too busy w/the euphoria of being free and doing all of those "exciting" things that they think that they missed out on as kids and teenagers.
Make a list of those things that you've not found time to start and/or complete and begin doing them one by one. It's a time to do those things that you love to do or even start some new activities. It's a time to focus on you and think back to the person you were prior to marriage. If you liked the person that you were before marriage, maybe it's time to think about making some changes.
Bottom line, leave her to her journey and focus on your journey. Time is on your side. The new year is around the corner and it's time to focus on creating some new memories along the way. Dig deeper for patience and keep that focus on you!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
She could be in a number of stages, anger, replay, depression and withdrawal. Keep in mind, that the stages are not linear. They bounce back and forth for a very long time. I venture to say that she has some anger as well as being in replay. Depression is the main ingredient of MLC and that will be there throughout the crisis. There will come a time when the deep, dark depression hits and that is when withdrawal is more evident.
Right now...focus on you and leave her to crisis. The crisis will take as long as it takes and she's the only one that will determine the length of time it takes.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hello again everyone, first thank you to every one that posts threads and thank you to those with the knowledge to share your wisdom.
My wife moved out two days before Thanksgiving. We have two Children we adopted D4 S3. they are my cousins who lost custody of them. they came to us almost three years ago. we also have three grown children D23, S21, D15. I made a point to hold to NC the minute she left. it has been two weeks and she will text me when she has something to say, or arrange time with the Babies. this past two weeks seems like it has been 2 years. she had to come to the house this morning because we had a home visit from the adoption agency. I stayed away from her, she did not look like herself, she looked worn out and haggard. it kills me to not tell her I love her and I will do what ever I need to get her back. I know that wont work, and only push her away.
up till the point where she made the decision to move out, there was touch and go moments. I know she still loves me and is confused about why she is feeling the way she is. but she will never admit it.
can I get some input on what I should see moving forward. I know I cant have any expectations, or ulterior motives. I know I have to make all the changes for myself. but is it out of line to wonder what other people in my situation seen, as they stood silent?
I have merged your two threads together. Please stick to one thread until you have reached 100 postings/replies. You can changed your subject line within a thread at any time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
