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A Message from Michele
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Re: Scout's QLC journey #2 [Re: scout12] #2874129
12/02/19 02:09 AM
12/02/19 02:09 AM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,891
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kml Offline
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Quote
He would often use the phrase "There are two people in this relationship" as a trump card in arguments


This is MAJOR gaslighting, girl. Basically it was code for ďI want what I want and if you donít agree itís YOUR faultĒ.

He really knew how to push your buttons, didnít he?

Re: Scout's QLC journey #2 [Re: scout12] #2874134
12/02/19 02:48 AM
12/02/19 02:48 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,317
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DnJ Offline
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Hello scout

That was a memory of a precious time. Thank you. Iím sure your sharing of it brought back many memories around here as well.

From me to you:

Trust in your past.

As detachment and indifference expands within you, tempered it with compassion. Reflect upon your history with an accurate heart and mind. Do not tarnish from vilification, nor brighten from glasses of rose. Remain accurate and true.

A period of time elapses during which one looses some touch with their past, both the bad and the good.

Indifference brings peace for oneís mind. Compassion brings peace for oneís heart.

There were many good times and the memories will return to you, in time. Be in a strong and good place for when they do.

Trust in your past.

DnJ


Current
Me52 XW49 S23 S21 S19 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Scout's QLC journey #2 [Re: DS9] #2874141
12/02/19 04:18 AM
12/02/19 04:18 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 380
Australia
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scout12 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by DS9

It seems the goss suggests your H is spiralling. How does that make you feel?


Pity. Compassion. Relief. Bemusement. Disappointment.

Things I don't feel? Concern. Sadness. Satisfaction. Hope. Loss.

I wish he had the tools to dig himself out of the hole. Is that a mixed metaphor? I wish he had the tools to build a ladder out of the hole, then. Instead, it seems he is choosing to dig deeper.

There is also empathy. If I put myself in his shoes, I can almost feel the pain, shame, confusion, arrogance, desperation, panic, blame, fear, and all the other conflicting emotions that seem to come with the decision to blow up your old life. It feels absolutely exhausting and makes me all the more grateful for my current state of inner peace. I hope that doesn't sound morally self-righteous. I am a whole and healthy yet flawed human being.

I don't wish him harm. I don't want to punish him. I don't judge him.

It is what it is.


W 31 | H 29
Together 8 | Married 3
S2

BD | 06/19
Separation | 07/19
OW confirmed | 10/19
I FILED 12/19
Settlement | 05/20
Divorce | TBD 06/20

Re: Scout's QLC journey #2 [Re: DnJ] #2874142
12/02/19 04:27 AM
12/02/19 04:27 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 380
Australia
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scout12 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by DnJ

Trust in your past.


You seem to be advocating the other side of the coin to our friends in this thread! Thank you for the brain food. Should I acknowledge the red flags of the past as they appear organically, or am I seeking them to fit a narrative to explain how we got here? Hmm.

I think I have a fair and objective mind. I'm a truthseeker at heart. There was fun and lightness in our marriage, definitely. There was care and love, of course. There were also patterns of control, withdrawal, anger, coldness. Unvoiced and unmet expectations on both parts. Hmm, indeed.


W 31 | H 29
Together 8 | Married 3
S2

BD | 06/19
Separation | 07/19
OW confirmed | 10/19
I FILED 12/19
Settlement | 05/20
Divorce | TBD 06/20

Re: Scout's QLC journey #2 [Re: scout12] #2874180
12/02/19 03:00 PM
12/02/19 03:00 PM
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,890
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peacetoday Offline
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Scout

you are doing great

as you travel this road you will gain insight into your H and yourself

always remember this was not your fault and nothing could stop it but him

Most LBS here wind up landing on their feet...stronger...wiser and in a better place than ever before
If your H decides to step up..there will always be hope
and he he decides to continue the destructive pathway that MLC brings...so be it
You can love him and wish him well
be cordial, kind and work on your reactions and feelings in a safe environment which is not him

Your son will have a great chance of growing up wise and strong as long as your are

all the best.


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Re: Scout's QLC journey #2 [Re: scout12] #2874281
12/02/19 11:06 PM
12/02/19 11:06 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 380
Australia
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scout12 Offline OP
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Thanks PT. If I search my feelings a bit deeper, there is still care for H. I don't know if I'd call it love. Don't you need respect to feel love? While I respect his right to make these decisions, I don't respect the decisions themselves. Deep down, I do continue to cut him some slack and give him the benefit of the doubt that he is struggling with something. It's hard to tell if my feelings are sitting in reserve or simply gone... for now.

The caveat, of course, being that feelings can change, disappear, return, increase, decrease etc wink

Onto the good news!

My mortgage refinance was conditionally approved yesterday. I was disqualified from the first two banks due to blanket restrictions on my particular circumstance, so this is a relief. I wasn't too worried because I knew I could afford the refinance; it was just a matter of which bank would play along. So it looks like I will be walking into 2020 in a very strong position, albeit with substantially more debt after paying H his settlement money.

Next: the issue about S1.

With regards to my concerns about H's time with S1, I have decided to do nothing. I'll let the legal documents do their job and let go of my fear that S1 is being negatively affected. H spends such a short amount of time with him, a matter of hours twice a week, and I just have to trust that it doesn't matter in the long run. My job is to make sure S1 is securely attached when he's with me. I can't control what happens when he's with H. At this point, parallel parenting seems to be the best option.

One last thing. A happy GAL update.

For the last ten years I have had a cheap little $10 Christmas tree. I loved this tree and took great pleasure in decorating it each year. Well, the time has come to invest in tree 2.0. I put up the old tree and and realised it was no longer fit for purpose. So I purchased a magnificent 6ft prelit beauty which should arrive this week. I find myself drawn to greenery in this MLC process. I've hung watercolours of local flora on the walls and filled shelves with potted plants. The new tree is symbolic, I suppose, of new beginnings and growth. I can't wait to play some Christmas carols and decorate it with S1.

A favourite activity of Christmases past was to light the tree at night and turn off all the other lights in the house. Play some happy music while baking cookies and enjoying a drink, basking in the ambience of the warm twinkling lights. H would be working nights so that was my time. Ah!


W 31 | H 29
Together 8 | Married 3
S2

BD | 06/19
Separation | 07/19
OW confirmed | 10/19
I FILED 12/19
Settlement | 05/20
Divorce | TBD 06/20

Re: Scout's QLC journey #2 [Re: scout12] #2874321
12/03/19 03:49 AM
12/03/19 03:49 AM
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Posts: 15,891
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kml Offline
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Sounds great to me! Can I come over?

Youíre doing great girl. Enjoy the holidays with your little one, your family and friends, and leave H to his journey.

Perhaps the hardest lesson for me was that I couldnít save my ex from himself. On the surface his new life looks great - hot young Asian wife (surfer trophy wife), a duplex at his favorite surf spot, plenty of money (even though he cries poor, our divorce settlement was very fair). His wife seems nice enough (not one of his affair partners, thank god). But I can see he hasnít really outrun his demons, and several things have happened in the last few years to throw a wrench in his MLC fantasy of eternal youth (illnesses and death in the family, some serious medical issues himself). Still heís possibly happier than he would have been if heíd stayed, and although my dating history in the last ten years has been - well - an adventure, I feel like every man Iíve dated validated me more than my ex did.

Also the shock of divorce launched me on a path of adventure - I learned to play the drums when he left (at 53), played for several years in a pop punk band, learned to play vibraphone and glockenspiel, toured with my best friend who is a professional singer songwriter - none of which would have happened if Iíd stayed married.

Embrace your present and your future. Your ex may catch up - or he wonít . Just keep living your life.

Re: Scout's QLC journey #2 [Re: kml] #2874349
12/03/19 02:17 PM
12/03/19 02:17 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,550
Southern Maryland
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Congratulations on the mortgage refinance! Sometimes it takes a while to find the right company to do business with.

As for the new tree...I am happy that you purchased a new one. The little one served its purpose but it's time to change up some of those holiday traditions and a new tree is just the beginning.

As kml stated, embrace your present and your future. You are light years ahead of him and he's got a lot of catching up to do.

I think you are doing great!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Scout's QLC journey #2 [Re: kml] #2874502
12/04/19 12:49 AM
12/04/19 12:49 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
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DS9 Offline
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Originally Posted by scout12
Deep down, I do continue to cut him some slack and give him the benefit of the doubt that he is struggling with something. It's hard to tell if my feelings are sitting in reserve or simply gone... for now.


This quality is very admirable Scout, particularly given what he's put you through.

Originally Posted by scout12


My mortgage refinance was conditionally approved yesterday.



Fantastic! Hopefully H approves the orders now.


Originally Posted by scout12


With regards to my concerns about H's time with S1, I have decided to do nothing. I'll let the legal documents do their job and let go of my fear that S1 is being negatively affected.



Good call Scout.


Originally Posted by scout12

Well, the time has come to invest in tree 2.0.


Nice one. I just goit a new pre lit one as well. Went crzy in T k max buying decorations - fantastic range that you should check out. Got realy nice outdoor led lights from Aldi too.

Have fun decorating with your son!


Originally Posted by kml
played for several years in a pop punk band,


You're one cool chick kml. I sang in a rock/punk band in my late teens/early 20's!


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: Scout's QLC journey #2 [Re: scout12] #2874518
12/04/19 03:29 AM
12/04/19 03:29 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 380
Australia
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scout12 Offline OP
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Hís mum just called me to have a chat. We havenít spoken since early September, but I send her photos of S1 every now and then.

The one dark spot lately has been my (totally unfounded) assumption they think badly of me because of the custody contention around Christmas, in particular that H wonít be seeing S1 on Christmas Day. I think I gave H too much credit for his communication skills in assuming heíd tell his parents anything at all. Lol. She was as friendly and chatty as ever, so I can put my mind at ease.

H is taking S1 to his family Christmas gathering this weekend, including his first overnight away from home, and I wanted to make it clear that I totally support that. She told me their plans and I said it sounded like a fantastic weekend and that S1 was sure to enjoy himself. She said they would love to catch up with me before Christmas and theyíd have me down to visit their new apartment once they move in. I ended the call saying that I really loved chatting with her and it meant a lot that she still cared about me. She said of course we do!

I canít explain how relieved and pleased I feel that she reached out. It was weighing on me quite a bit. Itís funny timing because I was only thinking just yesterday about how much I should/shouldnít tell her about the current state of things, and whether I mention the affair or not. Fortunately I am learning the best course of action is to sit on my thoughts and do nothing until the impulse passes, so we didnít discuss anything to do with H at all.

I feel like a passed a test of some kind.


W 31 | H 29
Together 8 | Married 3
S2

BD | 06/19
Separation | 07/19
OW confirmed | 10/19
I FILED 12/19
Settlement | 05/20
Divorce | TBD 06/20

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