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Jdve, the term abuse is over used to me when it comes to emotional and mental. There certainly is such a thing as emotional and mental abuse. But it gets applied in so many cases that the term has become watered down to mean any time you are mean to someone. In that case I am abusive to the person that cuts me off in traffic because I yell "MORON!" at them.

Accept 50% of the blame for the problems in your MR. That 50% is all on you. Guess who is responsible for the other 50%? So until she is ready to own up to her part in this then you owning up will just be seen as weak. Remember, attraction for women is about respect! Accepting more than you are responsible for will be seen as beta behavior and not worthy of respect.

This is why validation is so important. You can validate that she felt she was abused without agreeing with it. "So you felt that I was being abusive when I would be passive-aggressive and try to control you."

Validations is neither disagreeing or agreeing. It is just letting her see you understand how she felt. I love validation because it avoids point and counterpoint back and forths.


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Jdevast Offline OP
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True
Right now as she's not speaking to me, I'd love the opportunity for her to express something I could validate smile

Last edited by Jdevast; 11/27/19 07:14 PM.

Bd August 2019 after 16years
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Updating
Here's the situation today,

Met my wife at school gate as d6 had left her school cardigan in wife's car.
Usual refusal to engage with me at all, again no eye contact.

Said bye and returned to studio
Few messages back and forth re work and orders etc.

Then I messaged
Me: when you pay salary and agreed Xmas bonus tmrw could you please minus ## from me for kids to have some spending money for trip to London Saturday?

(This is the trip she initially invited me on, and then rescinded invitation)

10 min wait then
Her: I would prefer we kept things seperate, so I will give them spending money

Sat on this for 30mins

Me: are you saying that if 1 parent takes the kids on a trip, activity or holiday you would feel uncomfortable with the other parent contributing money or giving spending money?
Is this correct?

No response still an hour later
I feel I need to back to her regarding getting a parenting plan in place
Was going to message the following:

I think we need to get a parenting plan in place asap,
I sent you my proposals on 12th November and you responded you would reply once you had obtained some advice.
I'm not worried about whatever format is used as long as we can agree the fundamentals of a parenting plan.
I do have concerns that currently the goal posts and agreements have changed several times reactively to how we are feeling and believe this has not been healthy or good for any of us.
If we can agree some basic structure I feel this would be better for everybody.

Any thoughts or advice welcome


Bd August 2019 after 16years
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She messaged back

Think we should have a family meeting with the kids on Monday, for whatever the kids want

40 min delay then

Me: yes I would be good with that if you can clarify what you would like to discuss with them.
I think it's important we balance their wishes with what we agree as adults.
And hopefully work towards some solutions and a structured parenting plan.
I do have some concerns regarding the goal posts moving based on how we feel day by day and feel it would be better for everybody if we can get some structure in place as soon as possible.
If you can touch base with me on what you want to discuss beforehand and let me know a time you want to meet.

This was 2 hours ago, still no response.
I feel very much that she is going by whatever the kids want as obviously they are more at home in the family home.


Bd August 2019 after 16years
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So it all gets worse
Receieved following message:
Her : if you want to speak to me about the kids please do so via parallel parenting app.

Me: (via requested app) that's fine using app, still concerned we don't have any parenting plan in place.
Do you have any thoughts on the questions I asked earlier prior to your proposal for a family meeting with the kids?
If we can not agree the fundamentals of a parenting agreement I am happy for us to do so with a mediator or third party?

Her: I did suggest the family meeting but I'm not happy to meet you on my own, I will have a think about everything over the weekend and get back to you Monday.

Me:yes thats fine, to be clear I wasn't suggesting us meeting alone beforehand only if you could message me your thoughts prior to meeting, or did you mean having a 3rd party present at the family meeting?

Her: I have contacted a mediator and they will contact you in due course.

Me: that's good, is your initial goal to agree a parenting plan and or a seperation agreement?

No response

Instead I get an expense request via same app for half the cost of s12's phone that he dropped this week.
Yesterday I offered to pay halves and she refused saying she would pay.

So I don't really know what's going on here, I believe the abuse angle is just being ramped up and ramped up, she will be getting advice about how to deal with abusers.
I think she will be pushing for zero contact with me as Demonization increases.

Don't really know what to do, obviously there will be no contact between us other than via app and messaging for work.
Not sure how this sitch affects DBing if there is no contact maybe forever.


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Hi JDevast, I'd like to write more, but I need my energy to keep Turkey Day on track. I'd strongly suggest slowing down more and writing shorter, clearer messages. Even your ex didn't know what you were trying to say. I think agreeing to this family meeting is a mistake--what does it do for you? It's okay to say "No." You know nothing about the goals, topics, or attendance. I suspect you're going to be ambushed in a way that frames you as the bad guy to the kids or increases her control/custody.



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Spiralling again.

Saw her briefly as she picked up d6 thus evening.
Jealousy rearing its head again, she's looking stunning again and care free.
Wishing I could turn back the clock and make some changes, show her how much she meant to me.
Be a real husband to her.

These moments of loss and regret come on in waves and really knock my self esteem

Aware the guy she was talking to on the nightclub video is a very close member of her new friendship group.
He's very together, up and coming big music star, trendy, cool, down to earth lovable confident guy.
Someone I can't possibly compete with.
Saw his IG had several comments on it from her, stuff like good to see you the other night at fireworks night babes.
And one of him performing and her comment " hot!"

It's all innocuous enough but makes my head wander in places that are unhealthy

Hanging on every minor interaction or text message.
Something as minor as a work related thumbs up emoji seems positive.
Ridiculous I know.

Venting on here to just get it out.

Back to the meeting with mediator for parenting, this could maybe be a good thing to eliminate some of the rubbish recently, although have to be on my guard that she won't start dictating and using it as a way to just have her way.

Any advice from anyone that's been through mediation?


Bd August 2019 after 16years
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Originally Posted by "JDevast"
Back to the meeting with mediator for parenting, this could maybe be a good thing to eliminate some of the rubbish recently, although have to be on my guard that she won't start dictating and using it as a way to just have her way.

A mediator, unlike hashing things out in front of your kids, could be a great thing. My ex-girlfriend used a mediator with her ex-husband and the process was very smooth all via e-mail except the final signing. Note, their mediator made sure both parties saw all communications and was acting on both their behalves, never someone one party approached who would contact the other "in good course." That sounds more like her attorney. My ex-girlfriend also had a lawyer to check over any proposal she sent to mediation.

What issue do YOU feel you need a mediator for? I thought your Christmas situation was clear--unless she accepted your proposal in the app, you were doing a week on then a week off. I don't know how long you're giving her to make a decision. I think you originally said two days but didn't hear anymore about it.



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Personally I think a mediator may be required to assist in crafting an agreed parenting plan,
Schedule, access, costs, birthdays holidays etc.
I am cautious about who she spoke to so quickly.

Maybe I should message this evening as to which mediation service she is proposing?


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Originally Posted by JDevast
Maybe I should message this evening as to which mediation service she is proposing?

Proposed? She didn't propose anything, she took action and then informed you: "I have contacted a mediator and they will contact you in due course." Actions > Words. I hope you have retained counsel to advise you. I don't want to see you accept a 'bottom' position in this divorce. You've got this!

Last edited by CWarrior; 11/28/19 07:59 PM.


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