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A Message from Michele
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Life is Good... #2873443
11/26/19 07:32 PM
11/26/19 07:32 PM
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 1,509
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Coconut Offline OP
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Coconut  Offline OP
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Previous thread: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2812435&page=1

Not much to say, i spent almost 4 days in bed getting over strep throat (first time I've had that in quite a few years), feeling much better now and heading down to FL tomorrow for Thanksgiving. Going to stop in GA for dinner with my son tomorrow (he's there with his mom), Thanksgiving with the rest of my family at my sisters house on Thu, then we are having a big friendsgiving at one of my BFF's on Saturday. I'm lucky that I am close enough to go back home for holiday's and while I am not looking forward to the 10+ hr drive each way I am looking forward to seeing everyone, it has been awhile since i've gone down.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Life is Good... [Re: Coconut] #2873447
11/26/19 07:42 PM
11/26/19 07:42 PM
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Posts: 1,509
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Coconut Offline OP
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I was going to link this new thread to my old and respond to the last two posts there, but it appears my thread was locked. Iím unable to quote, so Iíll respond here.

Doodler, I agree that kids keep you young, and while I would consider thinking about it if I found the ďperfectĒ person to have them with and we had them real soon, I donít expect to neither find the perfect person or have them want to start baby making immediately. I donít have any issue with people who have kids late in life, for me, I have worked hard to be free to travel and enjoy my life in retirement and having kids would really limit my ability to do that.. Also, I donít like the idea of being so much older than my children that I am likely to pass away while they are still relatively young, Iíve seen a lot of friends have their parents die young and the effects that has on them.

Ginger, having kids post 40 is a personal decision, but honestly, I think it would still serve you well to have a full family. I feel like I had that with my ex and step son, I donít feel like that is missing from my life, but it seems like something you regret not having and I think it would fit you well if the opportunity presented itself. You are a great mom and having a real family would work well for you.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Life is Good... [Re: Coconut] #2873521
11/27/19 11:41 AM
11/27/19 11:41 AM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,295
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Ginger1 Online
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I donít want to hijack your thread over here, but I want to speak to what you said.

First, thank you. I think I could have certainly loved more kids. Iíve loved otherís kids and being a ďbonus momĒ as Mís son likes to call me would have also been a beautiful thing.

My family was always ďrealĒ even if it was just me and her. And yes, I had hoped for more than anything to have a partner to raise kids with. Just wasnít in the cards for me I guess. I held on to hope being in my 20ís when my ex left. That if it wasnít with my ex it would be with someone else. But it just never happened.

And Iím 6 months away from 40. But the time I met a guy and was at the point of having kids, I would definitely be toooooo old. Iím a high risk pregnancy as it is without being of advanced maternal age.

And the biggest reason why I wouldnít? I faced the awful reality of my husband walking out on me with an infant. For another woman. And if that happened to me again in my older age, I donít think I could survive it. Once as a young mom full of energy and hope , and I made it through. Iíd lose it if it happened To me again, and now and that would be very unfair to my daughter

So, my dating pool stinks. And now I canít seem to find even an involved father who thinks the world revolves around him and his kids and his schedule and mine doesnít matter. I should just work around them as if all I built doesnít count.

Ideally a divorced man with older kids is best for me. And that means no more being bonus mom. How many more times can I be so fortunate that the children of the guys I have dated loved me and I loved them? Their fathers just didnít love me as much as they did, lol.

And back to you......you do need to realize if kids are a dealbreaker for a woman how you would truly feel and that you wouldnít be just doing it for them.

And I also think it so beautiful how you made your stepson your son. You are truly that kids father and itís a such a gift, going both ways

Re: Life is Good... [Re: Ginger1] #2873551
11/27/19 03:23 PM
11/27/19 03:23 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
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Dawn70 Offline
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Originally Posted by Ginger1

Ideally a divorced man with older kids is best for me. And that means no more being bonus mom. How many more times can I be so fortunate that the children of the guys I have dated loved me and I loved them? Their fathers just didnít love me as much as they did, lol.

And I also think it so beautiful how you made your stepson your son. You are truly that kids father and itís a such a gift, going both ways


Coconut, sorry for the upcoming hijack because Iím about to say something to G but wanted to first say to you that I agree with G. You have an awesome relationship with your stepson and that is the way it should be but it is hard work. Good for you for taking the time and really doing what it takes.

Now for the hijack.....G, it doesnít really matter how old kids are, you can still be bonus mom. It is what you (and the kids) put into it. My daughters were teenagers when I entered their lives but it didnít mean they needed any less parenting. You are a good mom and you can be a positive role model and parental influence for an older kid just as well as you could for someone as young as Mís son.


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: Life is Good... [Re: Ginger1] #2873552
11/27/19 03:32 PM
11/27/19 03:32 PM
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 1,509
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Coconut Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Ginger1


My family was always ďrealĒ even if it was just me and her. And yes, I had hoped for more than anything to have a partner to raise kids with. Just wasnít in the cards for me I guess. i


I want to apologize, my choice of words was poor and I did not mean to imply your family isn't real, I don't think or feel like it isn't and definitely did a poor job of expressing what I was trying to say. I was trying to express that you have mentioned raising a child with a partner, as a team, and it seems to me that you would flourish in that role. As for the ability to have kids, that can obviously take away the choice.

As for me, it's hard to say that I wouldn't have kids, because I have always wanted kids of my own, I just don't know that I would want to start raising one at almost 50 (i'm 46). When asked, I do say that I do not want anymore kids and that really is where my mindset is at. But perfect person, wanting kids soon, maybe I could be convinced.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Life is Good... [Re: Coconut] #2878259
12/31/19 02:11 PM
12/31/19 02:11 PM
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 1,509
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Coconut Offline OP
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Had a pretty rough holiday.. I have done really well staying lovingly detached from my stepson, accepting his choices and actions as they are and not taking them personally.. until this holiday. He was originally planning on going to Georgia with his mother for Christmas, but ended up getting scheduled to work so wasn't able to make the trip. He goes to school in Orlando and I was in West Palm Beach (about 2 1/2 hrs away), so I was quite surprised when I asked him what he was doing for the holidays and he told me he was going to go to his Gmas house (about 30 mins from where I was) for Christmas morning and go to his Gpas house Christmas night.. Actually, I was quite hurt, not surprised.

We had been going back and forth over text for a few days (I tried to call him a couple of times with no answer) and I was pretty upset with him, this is the third year that I had not spent a holiday with him and I really took it to heart. I had a couple of heart to hearts with my mom about it.. Somehow, both my son and my mom thought it would be a good idea to surprise me with him coming over on Christmas eve, which really sent me over the edge and I couldn't even talk to him while he was there, I was polite but very distant.

He came back over the day after Christmas and I had a long talk with him, for the first time he opened up about how the divorce has affected him. I told him that immediately after I moved out of the house I lived really close to him for 5 months and he only came over to visit twice and that hurt, he told me that he was locked up in his room all the time and was talking to anyone including his mom, that his mother was worried that he was suicidal (he didn't say if he actually was, just that she thought he was), and that it was a really hard time for him. He stated that he wants to see everyone, but there is no way to do that because he can't get everyone in the same room together, so instead he feels pressure from everyone from everyone to spend time with them (he has 5 grandparents at different houses, me, his biological father and his mother). I told him that I don't doubt that he loves me, but it hurts when he chooses to spend holidays with his grandparents instead of me (turned out his mother had come down, but I didn't know that at the time), especially since he has spent every holiday with them and hasn't spent a single holiday with me (other than showing up for an hour or two and then leaving). anyway, he asked me to just give him time, that he doesn't have a home to go back to and that he is trying his best to find his way.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Life is Good... [Re: Coconut] #2878360
01/01/20 02:12 PM
01/01/20 02:12 PM
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JujuB Offline
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Thatís really sad coconut. Heís feeling pulled in a lot of directions. I canít imagine the stress. Would it be easier for him to spend time with you thatís not on a holiday? Why does it have to be a holiday anyway? Time is time and love is love so as long as thereís time throughout the year - that you guys connect thatís whatís important. Whatís also important is that heís not made to feel like he has to choose. Being the bigger person that gives him that permission - to not have to choose since thatís a huge stress for him- is a very powerful act of unconditional love. All kids (even adult kids) deserve that.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: Life is Good... [Re: Coconut] #2878640
01/03/20 06:22 PM
01/03/20 06:22 PM
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Posts: 1,509
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Coconut Offline OP
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Thanks Juju, it really was sad, our talk (he doesn't open up often) was a real eye opener to me. As for time, it doesn't need to be holidays, he usually comes to visit me for a week or so during the summer and I try and visit him at school once or twice a semester.

Why does it have to be a holiday? It doesn't, and until this year I did a great job at not letting me affect me if he came or not.. But the fact is that for 9 years we spent every christmas night at my moms house, it is a big event with all the family and friends, usually 20 to 30 people.. then, he just stopped coming, it got to me this year, I don't know why it got to me, but it did..

As for him not having to choose, that has always been my goal and will continue to be.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Life is Good... [Re: Coconut] #2880096
01/11/20 08:21 PM
01/11/20 08:21 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,852
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline
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I'm sorry this was so hard this year C. I have a son who doesn't open up often and when he does it's heartbreaking.

I try to follow his lead on these things.

Give him time. {{{hugs}}}


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: Life is Good... [Re: Coconut] #2882039
01/23/20 07:50 PM
01/23/20 07:50 PM
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Posts: 1,509
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Coconut Offline OP
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Interesting circumstance came up recently that I though i'd share...

Back in the early 90's I was dating my first real love, she was living in FL but was from NC and most of her family was still in NC, so during the 3 or so years that we dated, we went to NC to visit them several times. I fell in love with NC and just knew that I would end up there. Anyway, on one of our trips she took me to a local legend site, it was on a dark hilly road and when you came down a hill the road curved sharply to the right, and in the field just past that sharp turn were windmill type structures that were made out of old road signs, so they glowed in the headlights. It was quite a sight being that there were 20 or so of them (and like 20 - 30 feet tall) and it was just an amazing thing to see out in the middle of no-where. Legend was that some guys daughter had missed the turn, ran off the road and died, and her father started building these as a memorial of sorts.

Anyway, in September of last year I wanted to take the girl that i'm dating to that spot, so I FB messaged my first love (who is back in NC but is married so I never reached out) to ask if she remembered where that was. I never got a response so just moved on. Well, this past Sunday I got a response from her, she starts of by saying she deleted the message because she got it right when she hung up with her lawyer, while she was going through a nasty divorce, and the last thing she needed was to hear from an ex-boyfriend. She then went on to say "let me say upfront because we have history... i am NOT interested in a relationship..." then more about sorry about being blunt, don't know if that's why your reaching out but i'm just seeking only what God has for me next..

While I appreciated her being upfront about what she didn't want, I was a bit taken back, because the idea of dating her again had never crossed my mind. When I look back at my life, she is one of the most special parts of it, she was my first everything, first girlfriend, first sexual partner, first love, etc... Truthfully, I would never want to spoil my memories of her and I by updating my memories with the current version, I am not sure why I feel like meeting her now would spoil the Romanticism I have of those memories, but I do feel that way. Kind of how when you go back to watch a movie you loved years ago, or play a game that was so much fun way back when, and you find it to be such a let down now..

So after she explained to me that the guy was an artist, his daughter didn't die at that sharp curve, that was just the edge of his property and so he built them there so people could see them, she then tells me that they were all moved to to a small town and a park was built around them, apparently the guy was a pretty successful artist and some of his pieces have been displayed at the Olympics and other prominent places. The park was named Whirleygig Park, which is what the art pieces are called, whirleygigs..

After a few back and forth messages catching up with how each others families are doing, etc., she closes out by saying let me know if you venture out to that park, i'd love to catch up with you..

First, let me just say, I am not interested in dating her, she is very religious now and I have no interest in following the path that would be needed to be with someone like that. With that said, has anyone here ever met up with someone that they held dear from the past and have it change the way you feel about those memories after meeting?


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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