Looking back, I was not the most empathetic child to my mom when she went through a divorce. If only I knew the pain she was going through. Trust me, I've been the kid and the spouse. I only wish my mom was still alive so I can apologize to her and let her know how strong she was for surviving what she went through as a single mom.
Start by "doing the next thing". Google it if you don't know what i mean.
I and many others here hear you and understand your pain (and, boy, how we understand it... trust me) but you are wallowing. You need to get moving. Start small, but DO IT.
We're all here for you and pulling for you, but at the end of the day you've got to do this on your own or not at all... But you CAN do this... we've all been there before and it [censored] and it feels like death... but that's precisely why you need to get moving and dig yourself out of this. YOU have value... YOU have lots to offer... YOU can have an awesome life with or without your WAH... but that awesome life is not going to happen on its own. So get moving. Do the next thing...
Sending up thoughts, prayers, and cyber-hugs for you.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
I went surfing today with a friend. I am terrible at it, but absolutely love being out in the water, getting exercise, and most importantly, being present in the moment. I wasn't looking forward to the cold water, but every time I go out there, I feel refreshed physically, spiritually and emotionally.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
WAH is a decent guy who looks like he has money so my guess is she's a predator.
That's quite the leap you're making there! She might just be attracted to older men. Or even married men, in which case the long-term prospects for their R are quite poor
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He has money now - not a ton so once he has to pay me more that will limit his fun depending how how much I get.
WAS's don't let small things like a lack of money prevent them from spending like there's no tomorrow! I remember one woman that posted here a few years ago had a husband that was in a similar financial situation to yours- made decent money but spent to the point that he was living hand-to-mouth. Imagine her surprise when she found out he chartered a private yacht to take OW on a trip overseas!
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I'm sure my chances are slim to nil but sigh I'm not ready to let go of hope yet.
Nothing wrong with hope. You've got to keep up your detachment and keep giving him tons of space but you can hope all you want inside.
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S19 and D17 have been calling me on my crap since I started DBing. I’m too negative, I don’t cook when I need to save money, I play favorites, I’m ridiculous sometimes, I overthink, I’m behind on my bills, I’m not on top of things, I’m falling apart and well it’s not time to fall apart. “Today is a day of action” said S19 to me once.
Tonight was painful. I had to sit there....again while D17 calls me out on something I have yet to fix. Lots to think about.
Well I've called you out on your negativity here before and you said that it's just because you use this place to vent. But if the kids are saying something to you about it as well, then it's not just here that it's happening. I think it is VERY important to have a positive outlook. Your outlook shapes your reality. If you are moping around and griping and pessimistic all the time then you are surrounding yourself with negative energy that holds you back in life, and the more you're held back then the more you think your negative thoughts are justified. The opposite is also true, if you maintain a positive outlook then good things come your way and the positive feedback loop continues. Do you still go to therapy? If so, is this negative outlook something you talk about much in there?
I’m sitting in the parking lot of my doctors office. Crying. I’m on my phone so it’s hard to type so I’ll be back soon. I need help. The thought of him having this great life is devastating. 30 years and I’ve been replaced so quickly. I’ve been having suicidal thoughts but nothing I’d act on. I just want the pain to end. My dr said she’d kinda like me to up my meds to get through this but since she knows I’m not a danger to myself she’s leaving the decision up to me. She wants me back in 2 weeks.
kas, it sounds like you have some pretty incredible kids. I think right now you are frozen, and they are trying to get you to see that you need to move forward. I would focus on yourself and those great kids!
I also think, and I know you've mentioned that money is an issue, that you need to do something just for you. Spa day. Manicure and pedicure. Something! Moms give so much of themselves, and often put everyone else before themselves. The problem with that is that it eventually catches up with you and if you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to take care of anyone else. So find something to do for you and do it.
And then listen to those great kids that are concerned about you and start putting one foot in front of the other. You can make this happen. The greatness of his life is an illusion! Not just to you, but to him. All illusion have a way of vanishing. Give it time. But the key is to not sit around and wait for it.
You can do this!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I’m sorry you’re hurting. Do you run? I always feel my best after a run.
I would also recommend this. I ran a little bit before my WW BD'ed me... but post-BD it has helped me tremendously. Anytime I start to get into a negative frame of mind, a run completely turns things around for me. Even though you may not feel like it and think it's the last thing you want to do, getting those endorphins going helps so much.
The thought of him having this great life is devastating.
What great life is that? You said his house is dumpy, dirty and in a bad neighborhood. He can't manage his finances and that clearly is only getting worse since the separation, and will get far worse after divorce. He barely sees his kids. He's working all the time. He's in the middle of a separation and divorce that will gut his finances. Do you really think he's happy? I bet he's miserable! Even if he is happy, so what. Your happiness is 100% driven by YOU and 0% driven by his current state of emotions. If he's suffering then surely that is not going to make you happy? Sure there might be a temporary "revenge high" but realistically, you need to find your own happiness and quit spinning scenarios imagining what a great life he's having.
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My dr said she’d kinda like me to up my meds to get through this but since she knows I’m not a danger to myself she’s leaving the decision up to me.
Definitely consider doing this, even if temporarily to see if it helps.
I need to talk to people here but I’m still on dang phone because my computer at work is down. Can’t quote easily on my phone.
If I don’t get it together I’m going to lose my kids. WAH has been waiting for me to fall apart since he left. Falling apart means I can’t take care of the kids. It’s already started because S19 goes to WAH for dinner when I can’t get off the couch. WAH is trying very hard to take my kids away. He got D14 with bribes. I don’t have money so I can’t compete.
Please trust what I’m saying he wants to take my kids away.
Let me elaborate. His plan was to leave, I’d fall apart (depression) then he’d get the kids, his money and OW. His life wouldn’t change a bit other than replacing me with a better model. It was a pretty good plan except I started taking a new med and I got better. He also didn’t count on the kids being angry with him. He thought they’d want him to be happy. Total affair fog. From what I hear he’s still deep in it.
Be kind will be how I end all my posts. I’m not in a good place so I need hope. I know my chances are slim but for now I need to believe. This woman told me he’s never coming back so just file. I file then she tells me she married the same man twice. Are you freaking kidding me? Couldn’t you have led with that story?
