WAH isnt the first avoidant man I've been in a relationship with. Shocking right? I attract avoidant men like flies to honey. Needy men repel me and secure men don't have enough "drama". This could possibly, maybe be a good thing. Probably not but I can dream. As a needy, once attractive woman in my youth getting men wasn't a problem. I'm guessing a husband poaching woman might not have the same selection as I did so if she "catches" WAH she will keep him. Ugh again and yes I'm aware. I just want to get these thoughts out of my head.
Anyway so I had my pick of avoidant men and I chose WAH because of the chemistry. In our 30 years together the chemistry only died ONCE and that was when we went through a rough spot. During that time I understood how hard it must be for people (typically women) to have sex without chemistry. Its hard to have sex with someone you don't desire or want. I still had chemistry but our marital problems caused me not to want him. Despite the chemistry I began to avoid him.
If the OW doesn't desire him then once she's "caught" him the intimacy will dwindle because it's fake. Money/security does not equal desire. I wish. Dated some pretty well off men and nope. Nothing there and I tried.
I know it ridiculous that I'm competing in this story with OW. She has him and I don't. This is so stupid. I'm divorcing him and then he's free to have anyone he wants. This isn't my choice I know
I wonder if anyone will dare to say there is still a chance given my story, given our 30 year history. I am the reason he left. I am getting better but it's not enough (yet). I wouldn't take me back (yet) if I were him. I can't transform in 8 months. I thought I could but that is impossible. I can't heal from childhood wounds that made me needy and codependent in 8 mere months. I need to stay far far away from all men until I heal and that includes WAH.
I'm also aware that I'm not ready to give up hope after 8 months. People can tell me to move on and logically I get it but emotionally I can't. Not yet. I will continue to DB and GAL. I will do everything I know to do in case I do get another chance. I figure by the time I accept there is no hope I will be over him.
I'm probably about to burn that bridge, any remote chance I have to the ground by filing for divorce on the grounds of adultery. But part of me thinks how do I earn his respect if I let him cake eat? He is cake eating btw. He gets me at home waiting for him, his money and the OW. If that isn't cake I don't know what is,
Full disclosure, not following your thread. Just skimmed the last few posts.
Originally Posted by kas99
I wonder if anyone will dare to say there is still a chance given my story, given our 30 year history. I am the reason he left. I am getting better but it's not enough (yet). I wouldn't take me back (yet) if I were him. I can't transform in 8 months. I thought I could but that is impossible. I can't heal from childhood wounds that made me needy and codependent in 8 mere months. I need to stay far far away from all men until I heal and that includes WAH.
I believe there is always HOPE. I have been here enough to know that your last post is what it takes to have a chance.
Fix you. That is your best chance. Be the best you everyday. Make positive changes everyday. Do this for you. Find happiness alone. Be a strong, happy, confident, independent woman.
HUGS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Full disclosure, not following your thread. Just skimmed the last few posts.
I'm writing mostly for me. If someone responds then that is just a bonus. I know I need to stop using this board as a crutch I am aware. But dang in 2 weeks I found out there is OW, he got that promotion we'd dreamed about and I filed for D. I think I deserve any crutch I want other than men or alcohol. I have not had one sip of alcohol since he left. I'm over men too (mostly). I am slightly relapsing now that I know about the OW but I know dating won't help despite what some sites say. "Oh to get over someone get back out there so you will get over your scarcity mentality." Right. Isn't that what got me into this mess in the first place? How is looking for happiness outside of myself in any shape form or fashion helpful? So dumb.
Quote
Fix you. That is your best chance. Be the best you everyday. Make positive changes everyday. Do this for you. Find happiness alone. Be a strong, happy, confident, independent woman.
I want the shortcut. This is my problem I know this, it's why I keep posting. I want WAH to come back so I don't have to be the best. Being the best me is freaking hard. I know what I have to do but I hate it. I want to cry because I hate it that much. I feel like an addict who has to quit cold turkey learning to live their life without a "fix".
On the flip side I need hope (for now) to keep going. I need a reason to not give up. I need it because I'm fantasizing about dying. I'm not suicidal this is just how much pain I'm in. I want the pain to end and I recognize that I'm pathetic and weak for feeling this way. I've got a great doctor, great kids, great friends, and a great job I've got more than anyone could ever ask for so this isn't about WAH it's me. I want to cry.
Each state is different. I live in a no fault state. Know your legal rights. Protecting yourself is part of DBing.
I live in a true fault state meaning without fault I can't get a divorce unless WAH agrees to it. Crazy right? It's not uncommon for it to take 4+ years to get a divorce here with a rebellious spouse. WAH says he wants a divorce yes but will he still want it after I file? Probably but I've seen plenty of WAS's dragging their feet once a LBS files. WAH could go one of two ways. 1) sign quickly to be free of me or 2) passively aggressively not give me one because I pissed him off.
Stalling in a no fault state can be done yes it's costly but it can be done. Here he can just say he doesn't want it and that is the end of that. My only option then is to wear him down or wait him out. With grounds he can't do this. Might have to fight him in a trial yes but he can't just say no.
This could go either way but it's more common with women so I will use them as an example.
You're a good husband, there are ways you can improve yes but nothing terrible. Your wife BDs says she doesn't love you anymore and she wants a divorce. You find out there is OM while she's telling you how much money you can be expected to pay in CS and alimony oh and she wants the house too. Next week she serves you with papers. You then contact an attorney who tells you that she has no grounds. Your attorney then advises you to wait her out (common advice where I live).
Assuming she's the lower earning spouse the longer you can wait the more motivated she will be to walk away with next to nothing (you'd be surprised how well this works). Had a former sahm friend with OM and her husband followed this advice. Took him 2 years but in the end she walked out with her car, personal belongings, and 50/50 custody of the kids. He paid nothing and he kept the house.
If I filed without grounds his attorney would simply tell him to wait me out. It’s cheaper and he can give me a divorce on his timetable. Owes me nothing. It’s been 8 months so abandonment is probably out. As long as I’m not homeless he’s probably ok. He does not have to give me a divorce which means no alimony. He hasn’t talked to an attorney so up until adultery he had all the power.
So I’m trying to think about what he will do now. He has to respond and will have to go to court for temporary support. If the judge believes there is enough evidence to proceed I will get temporary support while we prepare for trial.
At this point it’s a game of poker. Who has the better hand? Will he fold or will he call my bluff? He’s conflict avoidant and my guess is his attorney will advise him to cut his losses and fold.
Educated guess. I’ll be divorced within 6 months of my initial hearing.
Typing out how I feel is cathartic. I know people journal offline but for me i like knowing I’m not alone. I worry sometimes about WAH finding my posts but I’ve mostly let that go.
The consensus is he didn’t file in May because he knew I wasn’t going to accept his ridiculous offer. I might have played along but just like me knowing him after 30 years he knows me too. I think when he left he honestly thought I could support myself with just a little help from him. Once he realized that he didn’t file. Now it’s unclear if he has a plan of when he was going to finalize the divorce but the consensus is not until the OW (or I) forced him too. WAH has proven himself to be an excellent liar but like I said I know him. It may seem like I just found out all of this but even the promotion I had a feeling he got that because I knew when his old boss was fired. He told me he didn’t get it. He was convincing but I had my doubts.
He wants a divorce he just didn’t want to pay for it. He will be happy to have it done regardless like ripping off a band aid it will be done and the OW will be thrilled. He will be all hers....as soon as he introduces her to the kids.
S19 and D17 have been calling me on my crap since I started DBing. I’m too negative, I don’t cook when I need to save money, I play favorites, I’m ridiculous sometimes, I overthink, I’m behind on my bills, I’m not on top of things, I’m falling apart and well it’s not time to fall apart. “Today is a day of action” said S19 to me once.
Tonight was painful. I had to sit there....again while D17 calls me out on something I have yet to fix. Lots to think about.
