Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 6

[DaB35]

Thanks AS.

Yes I am sticking to being polite yet business-like for any texts/emails to W. Certainly cannot be classed as distant or cold or nasty/passive-aggressive.

Yes I hear you about the light. It is not expensive so I could buy another similar one in the future.

I will continue to be assertive and confident. It is working - I think people are noticing. W will get to hear about it I'm sure in time. I'll just carry on. with my picnic. Feels like I've had some extra food delivered to me recently!

I do appreciate everyone who has contributed advice and thoughts (and the occasional 2x4!) to my threads over these past months. It has been invaluable, and really helped me make the mess in my head much clearer.

[DaB35]

Just had a text from W:

"Just paid you my share of the monthly bills. Just trying to fill in the form still. Do we need to declare that the joint account money will be split 50/50 on there?"

My first thoguht - she's *still* trying to fill it in?! Only took me half an hour - she's had the form for over a week and a half. Also, I'd already put a note on the form about splitting that account 50/50 - she clearly hasn't read it. Oh well!

I'm going to respond:

"Hi.
Thank you for sending me the bills. Yes there is already a sentence about that in the additional info section. I appreciate there's a lot of info to put down."

Still maintaining the high road, polite, business-like comms.

[DS9]

Hey Dan

I wouldnt thank her for sending you bills. In any event, all she's saying is she's paid the bills, or am i isundersatanding something.

I wouldnt validate either about appreciating there's a lot of info to put down

Cheers, DS

[Ginger1]

Yes it is all so sudden. She literally decided within 24 hours to D. Impulsive to the end - it was her decision (along with her enablers) to rush the D and not bother trying to discuss things.

Nobody decides to D on a 24 hour period. What may seem like something impulsive to you, is something that the WAS has been planning and has been on the verge of quite sometime.

[DaB35]

DS - On reflection, you're right. I probably shouldn't have said so much in my response. It was late and I was in the middle of sorting my accounts out, and her text broke my concentration somewhat. I did wait half an hour to respond though.

Ginger - well she certainly didn't tell me before lol! When she 'caught' me the 2nd time (pics on my phone), back in 2017/18, she didn't mention it or threaten me with it then. She suggested counselling but because of my NGS I didn't think it was necessary (do the same thing over and over again, get frustrated when it doesn't work out, but keep doing it anyway in the hope that it'll work one day).

She was essentially waiting for me to change, without bringing it up regularly. She told me this in person: "I didn't say anything because I thought you'd figure it out yourself. But no, you didn't."

We were definitely not having the DB/DR style of conversations like:
"When you do [x], I feel [y]. I am concerned about [x]. I would like to discuss this and see if we can move forward and so I can stop feeling [y and you feel more comfortable etc. etc]."

[DaB35]

OK she has filled in the form. finally.

Do I ask her to send it off, or do I do it as I originally contacted them and got the form and sorted payment?

[DS9]

Hey Dan

Mate I’d just give her the lawyers email and tell her to send it there. You’re 2 separate parties in a legal proceeding so that’s the appropriate way to do things- separately.

Hear you on the figuring it out yourself as to changes confusion. Not sure if you ever got it, but very often after her fit of fury over changes or plain anger I’d get a sorry I’m such a bitch or I don’t know what came over me, and one time I remember after a big argument she started sending me texts with holiday suggestions! That type of thing was her way of breaking the tension and I let it ride because I was relieved we were back to normal. Well if that ever happens again I’m not going to gloss over it but rather talk about it and discover what’s the underlying base issue and confront it in a mature and thorough fashion.

We’re not naive nice guys any more are we Dan.

Cheers DS

[DaB35]

Yes - absolutely I got that too. I got texts with:
"I'm sorry for being mad."
"I'm sorry if I say anything out of anger - I don't mean it." - my male brain processes that with 'why say it then?!'
"Sorry if that sounded harsh."

I then had a discussion with her about moving my computer etc into her work room so we could spend time together when working rather than in separate rooms, then she was talking to me about wallpapering our bedroom and painting another room and getting a fitted wardrobe etc. This was before the sudden 3-weeks of absolutely unplanned NC from her.

!!!

I will just check over things and tell her to send it on. I've done my bit so she can do the emailing surely.

Since IC and reading up on everything and being on this excellent board, I'm stopping to think how I'd react in situations and what would be the best way to approach problems. I think in time that'll become natural.

[DaB35]

Had a great evening out with sister last night.
Had a half day at work, where I finished something very complex and broke the back of it, then we went into London. Went shopping for a bit then watched the show. Fantastic time, and although we got back late it was worth it.

I would have gone with W (was originally a Valentine's present), but I had removed the event from our shared calendar back in June, and I believe she's forgotten about it completely, so no worries there.

W sent her version of the form back to me to check (no issues), and has volunteered to send it off so no need to ask about that. I'll email her back today.

[DaB35]

Keeping very busy over the next few days. Kind of crucial to keep my brain occupied as Christmas was always a romantic time for W and I, especially in our house. Setting up the tree, putting the decorations out, meals out etc.

Tonight - gym, plus my sister is coming over to help me tidy up my parents' bathroom (parents are out til Monday on a trip away so we thought we'd surprise them).
Saturday - watching 2 shows in London - a musical matinee performance, then a symphony concert in the evening.
Sunday - Gig. Clearly people need me to play for them! This one is nice as it's an afternoon gig so I'll be home by early evening to make my own dinner. I can finally cook with chilli and garlic (my parents hate it so their food is always quite bland!).

Noticed there was a mistake on the form that W filled in. I've asked her to check it.

My mum has decided she will send W's parents a card. I said this is absolutely fine - probably for the best, just acting normal. We have agreed that if W's mum rings and asks how I'm doing, my mum will say I'm "fine" and "keeping very busy with work". Should she mention that my IC has finished or that I'm going to the gym a lot? W's mum will probably ask a lot of questions. I'm guessing not - be the 'mysterious' person, you know?