Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 6

[DaB35]

Previous threads:

Part 1:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2861875#Post2861875

Part 2
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2863376#Post2863376

Part 3:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2864752&page=1

Part 4:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2867858#Post2867858

Part 5:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2870744&page=1


Recent Update - sent off finance court order form for W to fill in her bits. I've done mine.
Had some pleasant text chats with W last week. No R talks at all, just brief polite conversations.

Just finished self-publishing a work of mine, and have discovered an old work I wrote over a decade ago. It's not half bad! My next project is to revise and tweak it, then get that ready for self-publication. GAL sorted then. I should take random weekdays off more often. I get so much more done with a slightly longer weekend.

[DaB35]

Haven't yet heard from W about the finance order. I imagine she is panicking about how to get some of the info,. particularly pensions. Here, I'd have normally volunteered to help out - not now!

My mum hasn't sent her Xmas cards out yet. I'll have a chat with her and let her know what we've discussed in my last thread about acting normal, sending a card to her parents, and being positive but slightly vague about me if W's mum calls my mum at all.

Feeling ok at the moment. Lots of evening activities for the rest of this week: work night out Wed, IC on Thurs, going to a quiz night with my parents on Friday, gig Saturday, gym class Sunday and possibly go to London to watch a show.

[DaB35]

Advice please!

W has responded this afternoon (2 days after I emailed her) saying:

"Hi,

I'm happy for you to pay me for the other sofa. I'm also fine about the clock and potentially the light fitting, the only thing that worries me about the light is if it effects [sic] the house sale?

I'm trying to fill in the form but i'm a bit stuck on the financial bit. <question about self-employment earnings> I haven’t actually sorted out my earnings since April, for obvious reasons [slight dig there at me!].
Would you be happy for me to take an average earning from last tax year, it will be more than this year anyway as i've had to shut <business name> down for a bit because i've not really been coping with all the pressure.

W."

Initial query (UK people especially) - does replacing a 'nice' light fitting with a standard hanging bulb without cause the house's value to drop?

First draft response:

"Hi W

I would have thought that changing a light fitting shouldn't affect the sale dramatically.

I am sorry to hear that you have had to close <business> temporarily, and that you're finding it difficult to cope with everything.

<Brief explanation of how to record self-employment earnings - 1 or 2 sentences at most>

Regards
D"


Have I validated enough, or should I elaborate a bit more?

[SteveLW]

Personally, I would simply say.

"Thanks. I will make sure to take care of the lighting."

No need to acknowledge anything else. Drop greetings and closing. All business all the time.

Remember communication rules. Phonecalls go to VM. Texts that are of informational purpose do not need a response. If she asks a question, answer her in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.

One of the biggest problems that LBSs make is over-communicating. "But she complained that I didn't communicate enough before." Yeah, and then she fired you as her husband. I wouldn't communicate with a previous company that let me go.

[DaB35]

OK, so a more distant approach is better then? Don't need to validate how she's struggling?
I will need to explain what to do with the finance form.

No phonecalls at all; haven't had a phonecall from her for over 4 months now.

[DS9]

Hey Dan, yes distance is much better.

No need to validate the destruction that is her own creation.

Its not your job to explain the finance form. It's a legal document (I assume), and the person who fills in their details needs to work it out themselves. Isnt there an explanatory note for each section that she can refer to? It's not what you're happy with her putting in, but rather what the legislation or rules require her to put in, herself.

If you're taking a light fitting and leaving just a bare globe, just go out and buy a new fitting in keeping with the style of your place.

Cheers, DS

[DaB35]

Thanks DS.

There are no notes - I just emailed the firm when I was filing my bits in and asked what I had to do; they replied a day later - sorted. I did put an explanatory note next to the figure I calculated (for their benefit not mine), so I assumed that W could have worked out from that how to do it. This is why I always did her taxes!

OK - I do feel sad that she is feeling pressured etc., although as you say, yes, it was 100% her decision to end M, and start the D process. I think I have adopted the 'I won't stand in your way even though I don't want this' stance well enough.

I know this means I haven't detached 100% - I don't that is actually possible after just 6 months. I'm mindful of the fact that I was the one in the wrong. I hurt her. But then as many have said, her reaction was extremely strong, bordering on the hysterical. Plus she is, and was, not perfect. She then broadcast it to all and sundry, which really has not helped either of us. It's sad because in 6 months my IC has turned me around and I done a lot of personal evaluation and growth being alone and I feel so much better. Meanwhile she's put her businesses on hold and struggling with pressure and hasn't picked herself up yet.

Re-draft response:

"Hi W

I would have thought that changing a light fitting shouldn't affect the sale dramatically.

You can take the total income from last year & do a monthly average ignoring expenses - just point out that it's lower this year. That's what they told me to do.

Regards
D"

[DS9]

Hey Dan yeah I agree 6 months isn’t long enough to have detached but boy you’ve come a long way!

Your call but I wouldn’t be helping with her income info or volunteering about the marketability of removing a light. Your XW can work it out and will have to as it’s a big bad world out there.

Look my XW text me yesterday saying her car wouldn’t start. Guess what I didn’t reply. It’s not my concern anymore! She text again saying she got it started. Guess what I didn’t reply either. Before bd I would get up to 4 or 5 texts a day asking me to do things and I did them because that’s what I thought a good husband did and it was in my nature. I wanted to support her and make her life easier. But now I’m not the old DS because she chose to leave all that and that’s your position too dan

[DaB35]

OK DS.

Thanks for saying I've come a long way - really didn't think I'd be in this position this year to be honest, but there we are. I am moving forward, getting on with things, and making sure I'm not wallowing. It sounds like W is wallowing, although having said that she is the BS. But I get the sense she is certainly not GALing to the extent that I am.
If I were her I would have absolutely thrown myself into business to keep my head up (which is what I've done).

I still feel emotionally attached to W in that I think about her still, and miss interacting with her. I am sad she felt the only way out of this was D. I do try to remind myself that she is missing out on me - to have improved myself this much in 6 months is surprising for me, so I just carry on in the knowledge that she's missing out on experiencing this new me.

[DS9]

Hey Dan,

No worries mate, credit and encouragement where it's due!

I know it's hard to switch off thinking about what the X is doing, but you really have to try. I used to use a visual of a huge hand aggresively pushing aside those thoughts, but I found an allusion to a stop sign on this forum, so now I use that. Maybe come up with the way you can do it, suitable to your mind, when you disucss things in IC.

How's the gym life going? I'm jealous of your body fat %age mate! I'm struggling to bring mine down to 16%.

Cheers, DS