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Quick summary: Married 28 years, 3 teens. WAH left 8 months ago claiming my mental illness as a reason. Everyone said men don't leave unless they have someone else lined up but I hoped I was the exception. 2 weeks ago S19 walked in on them (he has a key). He didn't see anything just her belongings, all the cars, lights off, etc. S19 quietly backed out once he realized what he'd walked in on. S19 went back the next day and all the cars were there again. WAH doesn't know that we know.

I'm a mess and typing here helps so I'm going to continue where I left off.

Last edited by kas99; 11/25/19 04:02 PM.
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So after WAH cancelled the lease I tried to rent a place only to find out I don't qualify on my income alone. I sent WAH a text but he didn't answer (later I found out I'd blocked his work number/forgot). I ended up talking this guy into renting me a house based on my credit score and bank records showing him paying me consistently. Even with WAH's money I still didn't qualify. I've sent two short messages in 3 months so I'm NC.

I moved into this kinda dumpy, crappy old house and WAH rented a bigger, nicer place. He bribed D14 with it so she'd live with him full time. Our teens want their own bedrooms so they are split up by choice. WAH has enough room but S19 and D17 have chosen to live with me full time. D17 still isn't speaking to him and S19 sees him several times a week for a couple of hours each. S19 doesn't want WAH to get mad at him so none of us will tell WAH how we know there is OW. Turns out people at my work already knew (long story) so that is my story.

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The BD was March 31 after a romantic weekend. We'd just sold our house, I'd gotten a job and he told me "I think we can financially swing it now". Before this we'd hold hands, had dates, were intimate often, were spending all of my salary, we had problems yes but nothing new. He was stressed and angry but told me it was work (he'd just gotten passed over for the 10th time for a promotion). I believed him.

He was calm when he told me me this (which I think is bad for any future reconciliation). When I begged that was when the switch flipped and rage hit. He saw an attorney the day after the BD who gave him paperwork to fill out. WAH asked me to help him complete it. He tried to get me to do handshake deals and I calmly said we needed an attorney. He couldn't stay in the room with me. He kept leaving the house (1st clue) and moved out 4 days later.

The kids tell me he was happy for about a week then he became very sick. This gave me false hope that there wasn't anyone else (silly me). We didn't know where he was living (2nd clue) for a month. This must mean she's single, separated, left her husband for mine, or is already divorced. He finally said he was living in our camper and told our kids which campground he was at. He was never there (3rd clue). He still wasn't happy, was angry, sick, and my kids say they think he knew he'd made a mistake but pride stood in his way. I tried to convince myself that this all meant there wasn't anyone else (silly me).

He spent the next 30 days on a mission to divorce me as soon as possible (4th clue). Moved money, opened a PO box, took my name (or his) off everything down to our shared itunes account. I paid the bills for 28 years so everything was tied to my email address. This sent me into a panic so I removed all the financial documents and hired an attorney. We were civil via text (I was trying to nice him back) so we discussed budgets, housing, kids and support. I thought once he saw how much this was going to cost he'd come back (wrong - didn't know about the OW). I had him served with temporary support papers but they were so mean that I instantly regretted it so I warned him they were coming and postponed the hearing. My attorney yelled at me to not sign anything until she read it first. He dodged the process server until he could hire his own attorney. We now both have sharks.

Conversations continue to be civil as I cooperate (still trying to nice him back). I knew he was delusional on how much he'd have to pay me but I played along. I created an online budget to prove I couldn't support myself. He thought me getting a job meant his support would be minimal. He'd just make up the difference only that difference was higher than he thought. Okay so he'd have a bit less money it wasn't ideal but he could make it work. He offered a new number as a starting point. We'd negotiate this during our "uncontested divorce".

He took the day off to look at our post divorce budget (6 weeks after he moved out) and I braced for getting served. By now D17 had stopped talking to him and that same day he sent her this horrid text asking how she'd feel if he died. He was VERY upset about D17. Kids tell me again that they think he knew he'd made a mistake but was too far gone to turn back now. Kids say he stopped the divorce process and I thought that meant doubts. Later I'd find out he got promoted. He stopped either because he was too busy with the new job and the OW or because his attorney told him how much this was going to cost him.

Three times that same month he told me he needed time to consider reconciling. He said he was afraid that if nothing changed that he'd just leave again. This reassured me that there wasn't anyone else and that I still had a chance. That maybe his story of living in the camper, hanging out with his buddies was true. I pushed thoughts of OW out of my head.

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S19 graduated high school that month and WAH was just an outsider. None of our kids were talking to him much. He was nice to me those days he gave me false hope well angry in person, nice on the phone. He asked if he could sit with us and D17 said no, he respected that and left all of us alone. I was kinda relieved in May. I knew I wouldn't have to see him until we moved (lease was up in 4 months) and our divorce would all be done through attorneys. We'd been together for 30 years so I needed distance to detach and heal. Our kids were teens with their own cars so parallel parenting made the most sense for me to keep it together.

During this time he did what I thought were temp checks. He'd text me these random things my responses were needy so it was like touching a hot stove. No matter what I couldn't keep my emotions in check and he'd hurt me. Even a simple "ok" was needy because that isn't anything I'd ever say. Besides he's known me for 30 years so I can't pretend. My best bet was to go NC to save myself from further pain. We had two emergencies (dang it) so I had to see/talk to him.

One was when D17 had to go to the hospital. He was angry with me because he got shut out that day. The look on his face was pure hatred. I caught him texting someone with a huge smile on his face (5th clue) and that was when I knew there was OW. I then said something ugly when I thought he wasn't around. I asked if I could give D17 hope and he called me on the ugly thing I said. I made excuses and he said he was DONE but then came back and said he'd need to see some changes. I asked how could he see that if he wasn't around me - he pointed at D17's room and said her. I walked away.

Later I sent a heartfelt ,sincere apology. I said no matter what happens between us I wanted to be someone I was proud of. I told him I'd work towards being more positive towards him. I went above and beyond sincerely. It was the closest I'd gotten to detachment so far. He responded in anger but it was different. He was communicating his feelings instead of being mean. I tried to get D17 to talk to him. She declined. He texted that he was confused, sad, didn't know what to do and I had hope. I know now it wasn't about me it was D17. I do think he was conflicted but in the end he stuck to his decision. I blocked out thoughts of a OW out of my head because he seemed to have doubts.

Our texting dwindled, 3 days before our 28th wedding anniversary he changed my password, and 10 days later he cc'd me on the cancelling the lease. I never responded. Been no contact ever since (almost 4 months now).

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I know I'm retelling my story but I have to now that I know there is OW. I don't know why but it just feels like something I need to do.

I knew if he cancelled the lease it meant there was OW (6th clue). I still hoped I was wrong but knew the truth would come out once the kids starting going to an actual address. WAH was nice, said I could take anything I wanted including his late parents furniture as long as I didn't get rid of it. I thought this meant my LRT was working but now I know he was trying to look good in front of the kids and was likely happy that he was going to have his own place. His own place was for the kids because clearly he can't bring the kids around the OW. I don't know if he was living with her or not I just know he wasn't at the camper as much as he said he was.

**I'm aware I'm speculating. I am not doing well so cut me some slack**

As I predicted it took a month before I confirmed my suspicions of OW and it came from a kid also as predicted. S19 and D14 said he was working 80 hours a week which I think might be true. The 2nd job is true because S19 goes there often. In the past 2 weeks he's been home every weeknight but still works on the weekends. I know this because of S19. He must be seeing the OW just during the day for "lunch" aka sex. I say this because S19 saw here there 2 days in a row at lunch time. She isn't around at night because D14 and S19 are there.

D14 does say he picks her up at 3:30, is home for a bit then leaves again. I was told that was when he was working the 80 hours. I don't think he's doing this now. The OW must be a nooner. He's put her on hold while he rebuilds his relationship with the kids after bailing on them for 7 months.

I'm aware I'm speculating....please be kind.

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NC is definitely the way to go in your case. Any word on whether he's been served yet? What is the timeline after he's served, does he have a certain amount of time to respond to the petition?


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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kas99 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
NC is definitely the way to go in your case. Any word on whether he's been served yet? What is the timeline after he's served, does he have a certain amount of time to respond to the petition?


Not a peep from anyone and I don't know how long he has to respond.

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Continuing...

Since people at his work know he's got a girlfriend the OW must work with or near him further solidifying my thinking that she's largely free of entanglements. Surely 2 people can't be this stupid. WAH is a decent guy who looks like he has money so my guess is she's a predator. He's a walking retirement plan with cash in his pocket and the fun never ends. He's a wine and dine kinda guy, the big spender, it all goes on credit cards but she won't see that. I didn't see it either until after we got married. I get the rest of his appeal because I did marry him. Difference is I made more money than him so I wasn't a predator. I loved him when he was broke with a ton of credit card debt.

He has money now - not a ton so once he has to pay me more that will limit his fun depending how how much I get. His fun will be reduced for 2 years until S19 turns 21 and this is assuming he sticks to a budget which he won't. This is one thing that was there before and it will be there after. He will get into debt again without someone to reign him in. He's already opened one new credit card that I know of.

His other thing that was there before and is there now is she will come dead last on his priority list. Oh at first he will woo her with flowers, cards, take her out all the time but the minute she wants more he will distance himself from her. Neediness is a HUGE turnoff for him and if she's dating a married man I'm going to go with she's needy. He attracts needy women like flies to honey (I'm not his first one). Avoidant men like needy women (at first).

Right now she just got bumped down below his kids. It's work, the kids, then her. Work and kids take up A LOT of time so she will get whats left (been there done that). He might bail on his kids once he's settled but I don't see that happening. If he's been with her for 8 months then that is the point where his attention starts to shift. He left me for her so this huge of a sacrifice means he will do everything in his power to make this work. She will chase (which leaves him feeling secure) and he will avoid (eventually once she wants more). It could work (this type relationship is passionate) but they will both be miserable except this time he will be miserable without his kids and with a lot less money. She will be miserable because the more needy she is the less he will want her.

I say all this because I still want to reconcile. Please be kind. I think he needs to get this out of his system (I do understand why he's doing this). If I were to bet this relationship won't make it 2 years. Doesn't matter how "fun" or opposite she is of me once she wants more she will repel him. He has not changed. I understand now how to be in a relationship with him after 30 years but she won't. Avoidants are a pain unless you know how to let them come to you. They love fiercely but they are afraid of being consumed. They need lots and lots of space. I failed in this and the OW will too. Avoidants need to be with secure people who won't take their distance personally. The OW isn't secure otherwise she would not be dating a married man.

I'm sure my chances are slim to nil but sigh I'm not ready to let go of hope yet. I'm in a bad place and hope is all I've got right now and even that is dwindling fast knowing I have to divorce him. I'm so sad.

Be kind. My head isn't on straight

Last edited by kas99; 11/25/19 07:31 PM.
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The downside is WAH commits. He will attach to the first woman who is attractive and gives him attention. If she's after money/security she will stay. If she stays he will stay. Needy women also stay because it's a dysfunctional relationship stemming from childhood. The more he runs the more attractive he becomes. Ugh means I'm toast right? The only exception I can think of is if the chemistry isn't there on her side. WAH was engaged to a crazy woman before me. In that relationship he chased and she ran. Avoidant men will chase as long as there is something to pursue. That crazy woman wasn't into him AT ALL. She just wanted money/security. There was no chemistry and there was little sex. She was a gold digger. Once he put a very large ring on it everything stopped. He ended it after he caught her cheating with someone she was really into.

WAH and I had amazing chemistry. Had sex multiple times the weekend before the BD. I could never get enough of him and it was real. The day of the BD he told me he'd miss my looks and my wit then he proceeded to tell me about all my flaws. Chemistry wasn't enough to override my flaws. That said I know why he left. I do get it. I want another chance one day years out. I'm not ready now nor is he. I may not get another chance I know. I just want to believe.

Please be kind.

Last edited by kas99; 11/25/19 08:20 PM.
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