Down, but not out ..... yet.

[kml]

When my lonely weekends come around and there is all this stuff I want to do experience and no one is available.... I say “I’ll just go do it on my own!”

Which is why you need some single BFFs. You don't need a man to go do things, but you do need single girlfriends.

[Ginger1]

When my lonely weekends come around and there is all this stuff I want to do experience and no one is available.... I say “I’ll just go do it on my own!”

Which is why you need some single BFFs. You don't need a man to go do things, but you do need single girlfriends.

Is there an app for this? Because I don’t know where to find them. I have one who is a few years younger with no kids. We live different lifestyles though. She still lives like she is in her 20’s . I have a recently divorced friend who just kind of has her moms gone wild thing going on. She isn’t all that close either. It’s too much for me. My single friend I loved to do this stuff with all the time moved to FL and got married.

I’m telling you. It’s easier to get a guy to do this stuff with than make new mom friends at this place in my life. People are just entering the divorce age at my age while I’ve been sitting here doing that thing for many years now. Almost everyone I know is married.

I’m thinking when I recreate my OLD profile I am going to advertise I’m just a single woman looking for a partner to do fun stuff with. ( I will make that much less of a sexual innuendo) if it becomes more, it does, but at least I’ll find myself a good partner to do stuff woth

[LH19]

Ah the grand old 40s. Your married friends will start dropping like flies lol.

[Dawn70]

My heart hurts for you, G. It really does. I wish you could find everything it is that you want/need to make you happy because you certainly deserve it. I know you are busy between work and little G, but I still think putting yourself out there with hobbies and things is a way to go to meet people: both women and men. Yeah, doing things alone [censored]! It just does. And, it is hard when you are single and all your friends or married (or vice versa for some people), but you live in a well-populated area so there HAS to be some way to meet others and make friends.

I think it was kml who suggested NOT making little G think that she has to have a man to plan big milestones for her and to plan something for yourself. What about your friends? I mean, I know you say you are alone, but didn't you just go to Florida for a good friend's wedding recently? You obviously have friends who you are close enough to to spend money and travel to be part of their special day, so reach out to them and say hey, let's plan something for my 40th because it is going to be EPIC. I get that you want someone special to share these things with. You want to be a part of a couple. I totally understand. But just because you aren't and your friends are, doesn't mean that they can't celebrate your milestones with you.

Here's my little secret for you, though....it doesn't matter. And, others may disagree with me. I'll be 50 in January. I know Sparky has bought tickets to something for me and I have no idea what, though I have a good idea, but I'm trying not to spoil his surprise. Anyway, I'm the planner in our family because I'm a bit of a control freak (ok a whole lot of a control freak, but I digress), but I'm trying to be chill about this whole 50 thing because in all reality it is just another birthday. I'm not saying 40 isn't a big deal, because it most definitely is, but I can't honestly even tell you right this minute what I did for my 40th. I was married to my XH when I turned 40 and he was SO not a planner, so if we did anything, it wasn't anything big or that required a lot of planning. I seem to recall him inviting my entire family to our town and us going to my favorite restaurant in town to eat. The one specific thing I do remember is that the girls made me a cake and they worked very hard on it and it was super cute. Other than that, couldn't really tell you who was there, what we had/did/etc. It is a big deal, don't get me wrong, but 5 years from now...10 years from now....even farther into the future, will it really even matter that you planned it or reached out to your friends to help you or will it just matter that you got to have fun on your big, special day with some people who are special to you?

[kml]

Yeah, the only big birthday party I had was my 50th - my ex did orchestrate that, BUT he went off the rails a year or two after so how much did that really mean?

[Ginger1]

Aww, dawn, you are so sweet. And you get me. I know it sounds weird, but I feel like I have earned certain basic things in my life, like a loving partner and stability.

Funny enough one of my best friends, the one who I went to FL with for the wedding text me last night saying “we need to start planning for your 40th, what do you want to do?!” Funny how the universe works. A friend and ex coworker who I haven’t seen for a very long time day a picture of D12 on facebook and said, wow, you are getting old!” As a joke of course. And I said yup, the big 4-0 is 6 mo the away” probably what triggered my friend and she sent me that text.

Any ways, we think we are going to FL to celebrate with friend. And we are going to go to st Augustine for a day which I have been wanting to visit. Or maybe we will do Disney . So I’m excited.

I have mostly married friends, yes. And I’m happy they haven’t went down the road I have.
Work has been pretty bad. It’s so unmanageable and the morale is pretty low right now. I’m working too long every day and I am zapped of all energy. And work has been a little more difficult with my aunt on my floor. It’s so sad to see what happened to her. She’s got a psychotic photo of dementia going on right now. She thinks her husband is trying to kill her and “steal the kids” and he’s been so great to her. I saw tears in his eyes today. I walk past her room and she calls out to me, because for some reason She feels safe with me. My uncle stops me when I’m in the area too every time because he doesn’t know what to do. She went home today. I hope they can handle her and she begins to go back to pleasantly confused. She’s a shell of what she was. My cousin told me she feels like she lost her mom and her dad does too.

‘Tis the season . It’s awfully sad for some.

[DejaVu6]

Glad to hear you have some great birthday plans in the works Ginger!! Ahhh 40... seems so young to me now...lol. I am envious...the older you get, the faster the years seem to go by. Enjoy it as much as you can. (((HUGS)))

[Ginger1]

Thanks, D! I’m pretty excited to have something to look forward to. It’ll be a lot of fun. And my friend was sweet, she said “this week is going to be all about you” I can’t remember the last tome it has been all about me!

I’ve been thinking more and more about what I want when I do decide to jump back into that dating pool. And what what brought up on thread And how much I am growing more self respect I am getting.

Too many men have only wanted to date me with the expectation that I nearly fit into their lives. They have acted like their lives are so much more special than mine, I should think their schedules are more special than mine, their kids and their hobbies. And unless I just went along with THEIR flow, they really ended up not interested.

I’m important. My daughter is important. My family is important . My schedule is important. What I enjoy is important.

And when I’m dating a guy, their children, schedule, family, and interests are important to me too. But it is a two way street. We both should make each other feel important and respect each others lives and make accommodations when needed.

I have this weird feeling. I feel like I am even LESS likely to find someone because I am only willing to engage in a mutual interest and involvement in another’s life. I know where I am in life right now is not congruent with men in my age range. They are typically newly divorced and just want someone who can go with THEIR life and flow. Because that’s all they seem to be capable of. I only hope I am fortunate enough to find someone healed enough and interested enough to be a part of my life too. It’s a tall order it seems.

How do I feel about my continues singledom? I really miss having someone to talk to. To cuddle with . To spend time with. To ask me how my day was. But I am also enjoying not having to deal with someone who just wants what he wants with no real regards to my feelings. That feels pretty bad. It doesn’t work for me anymore. I want someone in my life who wants to be there, even when it doesn’t work for them perfectly.

Anyways. I’m zapped. I was supposed to go to my class tonight, but I worked too late, it’s hell over there and I am just exhausted. Blood vessels broke in my eyes and all my joints hurt. I think I am just exhausted.

Tomorrow is another day

[kml]

unless I just went along with THEIR flow, they really ended up not interested.

Please reread Why men Love B!tches.

This is actually the opposite of true - they didn't give more because you were TOO accommodating and went along with their flow. They got used to that and then if you tried to change it, they balked. But the same men - or if not them, many others - would go out of their way for a sassy woman with high expectations who they know might not be available for a date unless they lock her down early, because they've got competition in the form of other interested men. If they know you'll kick them to the curb if they don't step up to the plate because you have many willing suitors waiting in the wings, most men will put out a LOT more effort. I know that doesn't come naturally to you (me neither - I've mostly learned the truth of this accidentally, when my busy-ness or lack of interest leads to being more pursued by a guy). Date men WITHOUT the mindset of looking for true love, and instead with the mindset of "Is this guy good enough for me to waste time on? Is he putting out enough effort or should I move on to another guy?". I think you'll be surprised at the difference in the responses you get from men.

[DonH]

unless I just went along with THEIR flow, they really ended up not interested.

Please reread Why men Love B!tches.

I've gotten side tracked by some non-R and non-cruise life issues so I have not yet finished the rest of the book but will and will write more then, but yeah, the more things come out Ginger the more I so agree with KML you need to re-read this book. Even what you talked about on another thread and I'm glad you are so open, but it's kinda more of the same that you've always done (talking about being naked with a guy on the first date with the guy right before M). I know you've told part of that story before but not sure about the first date - and again it's right from the book of what NOT to do.

You and perhaps others have said that you see books like WMLB or from the Coach as "playing games." The thing is, many say the same about DBing - that it's game playing. Of course most of us here don't see it that way. Why would DBing not be game playing but sort of the same principles said another way is? The thing is, just like DBing, if it's not authentic, the other person may see right through it. We tell people here that all the time that if you are not really detached and doing GAL authentically, the spouse may see the person is doing it just to try to win them back. The thing is, at some point, DBing becomes natural and is not at all game playing and I totally see WMLB exactly the same.

With DBing, I was in some ways doing it with R's many, many years before I even knew what it was. I thought of all sorts of examples of how I DB'd someone, just because it's how I felt, it was my authentic response, but the reaction was very much as predicted. I see it totally the same with WMLB. If it's faked and not authentic it could well be seen as or feel like game playing but it really should be authentic and it should be how every self-assured, successful woman acts. She should expect more from the guy, she should not give away sex early on, she should not need to hear from the guy all the time, or see him 5 times a week early on, or have to always go with their flow.

What I'm saying is to give this book another read and another chance. It's not game playing - not at all. It's much more about how quality women act when they go from doormat to dreamgirl. Or any of these examples:

"He must feel that you choose to be with him, not that you need to be with him.”

"Decide how you want to be treated. Choose what you will or will not tolerate. Leave if you don’t get what you want.”

“Be an independent thinker at all times, and ignore anyone who attempts to define you in a limiting way.”

“Men don't respond to words. What they respond to is "no contact".”

“When you live life with him or without him, that is when he will accept and value you for who you are.”

“The more independent you are of him, the more interested he will be.”

“Success in love isn't about looks, it's about attitude.”

And it certainly is not about good luck or back luck (that part is mine)

I could copy and paste a bunch more but these things I just listed from the book are not about playing games - it's a blueprint for success and it's what this book, at least from all that I can tell, is about.