Down, but not out ..... yet.

[Ginger1]

LH- how can a woman you’ve been on 2 dates and don’t know be the one to slam the door on your ex wife you still desire reconciliation with? There is no woman that powerful. If they make you feel that way in one or two dates, then you were done with your ex and you didn’t even know it. Because these women are perfect strangers at that point.

Or...... maybe someone can pique your interest to get further to know to the point you might want to slam the door on reconciliation. However, usually at that point, if you decide that she still doesn’t do that for you, that woman is probably invested. And take it from me....... it really stinks to be the woman who went in desiring no reconciliation with their ex.

Guys stick around me for a little longer because I am indeed an excellent girlfriend. DB has strengthened my tools to be a great partner. And I am. Men go farther than they should because I am A woman only a fool would leave. It’s a curse, lol

The men I date are about 2 years out. Pretend to be in a good ready place, but totally are not. Unfortunately for me, at my age, most are newly divorced. Not for as long as I have been. They are bitter about custody, alimony, etc.

I am indeed to open to all options. I just know which ones are most likely to yield results. And in my wildest dreams, I meet a guy at least 5 years out, over there ex’s , not bitter and is ready to treat me like a queen. As I treat my men like Kings. I can’t find myself settling for any less again. M was definitely a lesson in that.

[LH19]

Then I just need to push through it until it happens. I always pay for the first meet up and I have only viewed one as a complete waste of time because she lied in her profile. I'm not bitter, I got the family home and got a great deal on CS. I just for whatever reason can't completely shut off 24 years of history. I'm hoping that my latest development is going to help push me in that direction.

There is no doubt you're on the right path and you will get there I am absolutely sure of it.

[Ginger1]

LH, I know that you aren’t bitter. And I hope that you get to that place where you want to get to that 3rd date. And some woman comes in to rock your world!

I went to the gym yesterday . I love that hour because I think of nothing else except not collapsing, lol. Breathing takes effort. But my endurance is already getting better and I can see my muscle definition coming back. Bought myself a healthy lunch, made a healthy dinner. Pretty much lazed around on my couch otherwise. I’m off today and tomorrow and D12’s school was cancelled for a snow day so she is on her way back to my house from her dads.

Soooo. I downloaded the meet up app. There were some things interesting to me. Others that were, were on my custody days. But I joined a lot of groups. So, I’ll keep my eyes out. I really do have limited time for organized events. But I’m going to try.

I’ve been seeing so much of FF and his woman on social media. Because his sister is madly in love with this guy who has come into her and her sons life like a night in shining armor. They all are doing one big happy family things. And she posts about how wonderful her man is nearly every day. I’ve realized social media is not healthy for me right now. I just keep seeing these big happy families and gathering and love and all that Jazz. And you can’t help but feel worse when sitting on your couch alone. Wondering why I can’t have that. And thinking about how close I came. I think I need a little hiatus. It would be good for me.

And my ex entered my dreams yet again. I mean it’s been years. And I hate the way he is entering. This time he asked me to marry him again because I was always the one for him. I accepted! And I couldn’t tell my friends because they would beat the sense into me. I have no desire for this man. But I think there is a small part of me who wants to hear he made a mistake. Not that I even want him back at all ever. I think my ego is just bruised lately .

How’s that for some raw honesty?

Doing everything I can to protect my mental health.

[TBSakaJ9]

Keep plugging G! I know the holidays are hard............

[Dawn70]

I'm sorry the holidays are so tough. I hope you have success with the meet up groups. I know I have seen other people mention those here and I always wished I lived in a large enough metro area that I could participate in some of those when I was single. Most importantly, just take care of you and little G.

[DonH]

And Ginger is starting to get her Mo-Jo back! Great to see. I kinda knew you would and also knew that you'd come around on some of the suggestions as I've seen that from you time and again. You're quick reaction is to defend and say why it can't be done but then you think about it a bit and days to weeks to months later you are doing it - like trying meetups, etc. Gym, diet, friends, meet-ups - all great stuff right there.

As for the OLD - I guess I am kinda bashing it but it's just how I see it - especially for me. Sure it's better than nothing, I'll certainly give it that and if someone has absolutely no other outlet, yeah give it a try. Or give it a try along with other things. I just think that even if you can't meet people at work or other places, the time spent OLD could be spent at a meetup or new hobby or class or something else.

I'm also speaking mostly for me. Maybe it's worse for guys? I just know that in general people will do and say things online that they never would think of doing in person. Sure you can find out things about your potential date OLD - or can you? In person they can't make themselves look 10 years younger or 50 pounds lighter - as happens with old photos OLD. Plus talk is cheap. They can say how hilarious they are but in person they have to prove it. I just think that you have to go in figuring that 7 our of 10 people are not what they say they are - perhaps 8 or even 9 out of 10. It's just what I've seen and heard from so many.

I guess in the end there is no "best" way to date. I'm just saying that if OLD keeps NOT working, why keep doing it? It's worked somewhat for you KML - not at all for many others - including me. And for me I actually felt worse after trying while getting the same results - actually I've gotten better results off-line. That's just what I'm trying to say.

My last thought was about trying to find a guy who actually is looking for an LTR and will show that early on and such. Again, I hate to be all huge on the why men love bitches book but it just all makes so much sense and I guess validates how I've felt or even explains why I feel like I do. She totally says to NOT try to vet guys for LTR. Just go out date and have fun. It's a similar mantra of the Coach. I've experienced it! I remember an otherwise great potential match (at least I thought so) from OLD some 10+ years ago. She really checked a lot of boxes until she told me she would not even consider dating someone (once) unless she thought it might go somewhere. I was out. Who knows what might have happened had she NOT said that. It also clearly dawned on me that the women I've really been into perhaps all my life turned me down now and then and did not come off as wanting something or too eager. Again it's straight from the book. I was like, Oh yeah, that's why I was so interested in the lady from AK. She was very matter fact of saying, "sorry I'm busy" but yet would come to me now and then to initiate so I knew there was some interest. Even wild girl went much farther than I thought it would and may have kept going longer - well until her true colors came out and wanted to move in with me like she did with the guy that came after me - but my point is, yes I'm actually going to get to the point, Ginger it will be the kiss of death if you try to vet to only the serious guys - and here's why - any guy might fall for you and become a serious guy even if that's not what he wanted to happen. It sort of started to happen to me with both these women and may have gone much farther had things kept going. Then all of a sudden, a guy like me will say, what in the hell just happened I fell in love with this girl and I can't let her go. That's what you need to have happen. That's how you control the narrative. You don't go out with him all the time, you don't allow him to control things by saying he can only see you one day and then you keep that day open to accommodate him. You don't text or talk everyday - at least in the early going and 6 months is still the early going. That's how a guy falls in love. If they feel they have to defend and come up with lame excuses as to why they can't get together, he's too busy being defensive and back peddling to fall.

When you do get back out there - put everything within you to just be casual about it. Don't worry about the future. You'll see soon enough if he's for you but the thing is, the less you want him, the less you accommodate him, the less you do for him, the less you chase him, the more he will want you. I'm totally an example of that.

Hopefully you'll continue here with a great week!

[uRworthy]

I just want to say that I was in no way putting down OLD. I don't have any frame of reference because I have never been on there, but, I do have two friends who married having met on a site. I also have heard many horror stories.

It is like that in life, too. I was just trying to get you to think outside the box some just to shake things up a bit as you are in a bit of a bad mindset right now.

Sometimes the way to climb out of it is to do something different, ya know? And sometimes when you keep thinking the same things over and over, they become a sort of reality.

So, you have to try to let go of what you thought you had and think about what you want...by that I mean, what you really want out of a relationship. What you will accept, what you wont, etc.

And then..just live your life. I know you... you will pick yourself up and get back on track. You are already doing it...

Just keep moving forward.

By the way, I met R in a meetup...and I wasnt even looking...was just looking for women friends.

As far as your dreams of your ex.....ewwww...lol...just kidding...kinda. LOL

I have let go of wanting an apology or anything like that. It matters not at all to me. I know my truth. And anything coming out of his mouth,holds no weight for me.

[kml]

Go to the website for Live from Here (NPR radio show) and pull up this week’s program. Just after 17 minutes in, there’s a skit about The Midlife Crisis Hotline, 1-800-STOP ME. Pretty funny.

[JujuB]

So Like ginger, I’m a busy single mom with a young one. I love OLD. It just makes things easier and faster

In the old days to find a pair of shoes I would have to go to tons of stores and hope they have my size and style. Now I can go on line type in my size and heel height and tons of choices come up. Sure I have to send some back. But it’s just so much easier. When you go to meet ups let’s say a hiking meet up - (never been but I have seen the groups walking around) they usually consist of a bunch of old women. You might see a few guys - but out of such a small group the only thing you can guarantee is that you both like hiking. And it’s awkward. And that’s because the only people that have time for that stuff is people who are retired, not working or have kids that are older or maybe younger people with no responsibilities (that usually won’t come back) . Not ideal matches. I don’t see why people think this works better for people whose time is a luxury- like ginger.

. At least with online dating you know that they are looking for some sort of meet up with the opposite sex. In a meetup or bar they might just be out with friends or cause they love hiking. And you get less of a pool and less of a chance. Personally, I have such limited time right now. I wouldn’t want to waste it doing things with strangers when what I really want is a relationship. I go hiking with my son instead.

There is no shame in saying I want a relationship either. I think a lot of us here recite the whole “you have to be ok by yourself before you can be happy with another”. Or you shouldn’t need someone to feel complete. Historically and from an evolutionary stand point- mans and women have partnered up. It’s natural to want to do so. And each partnership has its own set of dynamics that you can’t possibly prepare for. Wasting months or years on self reflection isn’t really healthy either. I would argue friends with benefits arrangements to meet our sexual needs while self reflecting is just as unhealthy.

Don - I get that as a female it’s best to be the one pursued. I think that’s the only way it works. The guy has to be attracted enough to pursue. But your advice to Ginger is geared forwards getting a guy like you. No offense - but ginger (and myself) don’t want avoidant guys that only want and appreciate women that are playing games. We both want guys that believe in love and marriage and relationships and they are definitely out there. You liked wild girl - who was a mess. Girls that play games like that are not great matches down the line. Which took you time to realize. They are usually more clingy, desperate, and manipulative- they just know the game. Or maybe guys that go for them have there own dysfunctions. Ginger needs a guy that’s just wise enough and healthy enough to appreciate her. That’s the problem. There’s a lot of messed up people and it’s hard to find someone at equal levels.

How refreshing to just meet someone where you can both just be vulnerable about what you want and who you are is better long time.

[AndrewP]

ALL of my relationships that have gone anywhere, going back to my late teens were initiated by the woman. Generally speaking, they all went well.

I know that I absolutely don't speak for most of the guys here, but I find a woman who is interested in me even prior to me being interested in her, very attractive. These relationships have also all started out as casual acquaintances / encounters and not me being "on the hunt". On the other hand, all of these women are people who I also found attractive / intriguing. There have been a small number who have hinted that they would be interested in me who I don't find all that interesting or who have what is in my mind a significant flaw like a drinking issue who I remain friendly with but am not receptive to otherwise.

Further to what JuJuB has said, one of the key differences with OLD vs meeting organically is that there is no pussy-footing (or so I presume) about intentions. It's right there on your profile - "looking for a relationship" or "looking to date but nothing serious". You have to - again I presume - take those statements at face value. B for example, the only person I connected to via OLD even though we'd met in person some time previously, had "looking for someone to marry" on her's. This is why it was no surprise that after a few dates that we were exploring what a future might look like.

Personally (again) I wouldn't be wasting my time on someone who said that they were just was looking for casual encounters. I've lots of friends already of both genders.

Once the initial interest has been established, I like to think that I'm an engaged person, taking an active interest in the person, making an effort to reach out and connect, initiating or responding warmly. If that's not reciprocated as was the case last fall with CL, then I back away.

Just my 2 cents.