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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2523723#Post2523723

Originally Posted by Stockdale paradox
You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the endwhich you can never afford to losewith the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.


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"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2524485#Post2524485

Originally Posted by Card29
If you're obsessing over saving your M, with every decision aimed at saving your M (don't upset her, don't offend her, want her to see your changes, make changes that you think she'll like, etc.), you won't be focused on the right things.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2524518#Post2524518

Quote
By the way, what she wrote is:

"What do you mean, pass? You don't want to have lunch? Do you prefer that we never meet then? It would make me sad because I think we need to keep some face to face contact, that we're not robots with each other. I'm under the impression that you're not interested and it's detrimental to our relationship. Explain it to me please so that we're clear."

Originally Posted by Mozza
Thanks all. I'm really grateful for the outpouring of support and suggestions for this milestone in my sitch. Here's a translation of the message I'm about to send.

"Yes, I suggest we don't meet for lunch. You've chosen to leave and now I need to reduce our contacts to move on. I'll continue to be cordial and to collaborate for all that relates to the kids."


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Originally Posted by DnJ
The removing or wearing of the wedding ring is a personal choice. Either way may or may not affect your MLCer wife. That advice is truth of everything. One doesnt completely know what affect our actions will have on the MLCer or anyone for that matter. That is why everything you do, do it for you. That way no matter what happens, how this all turns out, you will be alright.

You do not want to manipulate her path. I know it is tempting to try to speed things along, at best your efforts would be neutral, the most common and most likely result would be to prolong her journey. She has lots to figure out, and needs space and time. And she will take it.

That is the perspective of advice and suggestions. They are for you and your healing; and give the best chance for your marriage/relationship.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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" Today has been a bad emotional day."
Originally Posted by unchien
One thing I tell myself during the rough times is that emotions are neither bad nor good. They just are.

And all emotions are equally valid. Joy, boredom, anger, love, resentment. No judgment.

The hard part is deciding when to make a decision based on an emotion. There are times when it is obvious that patience is best, when the emotions are stirring like a tornado.

I strongly believe the more I get tuned into my emotions, the more I will just "know" what to do when the time comes. Because I'll know "This really strong emotion I'm feeling [censored], but it will subside in a day or two" vs. "This emotion here has been here awhile, and I identify strongly with it, and it is telling me something."


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Originally Posted by rogerrespondent
Retrouvaille works!!! We were scheduled to go to trial in my divorce on February 22nd and when we spoke we could not agree on the time of day...folks if you want to stop your divorce and you can get your spouse to go (this program is apparently in every state) then take what you have learned here and sign up for a Retrouvaille weekend. You will not be required to share anything in a group setting...you will not even have to speak to anyone except your spouse in the privacy of your room and of the 20 couples who went through this weekend with us I don't know of any who did not leave there committed to their marriage ad armed with tools to make it work ...they claim a success rate of 80% of the couples still being together after 2 years from their weekend of Retrouvaille (retro vye) (means rejuveninate or renewal) its not religious even though it is sponsored by the Catholic Church and its open to anyone who is tired of hurting and wants to start healing ...very powerful stuff ...very well done...extremely effective ...and I was the biggest skeptic you could imagine walking in the door.

Love...Trust...Forgiveness...are not feelings ...they are choices ...and they are verbs!!


Originally Posted by rogerrespondent
I rolled the big dice with her and told her that if she would go ...with an open mind ...and complete the program (I am Catholic and told her it was required before I could ask for a church annulment ...a lie which Plato would call a "noble Lie")and the follow ups with me and if she could honestly look me in the eye and tell me she saw no progress for us in resolving our issues and reconnecting again then I would allow her to "roll her own divorce order" (within reason of course) and we could fast track it if she wanted too...she thought about it ...she checked out the program to make sure she would not be required to speak at all and then agreed ... we plan on attending the follow ups but the program was so power ful and the presenters were so good and their issues were so far beyond anything we ever faced and the Catholic Priest who more or less MC'd the whole thing was soo good at bringing the issues into focus that out of 20 couples (sold out) who attended I could not identify any who weren't totally committed to their marriage by this afternoon when we wrapped up ...it's too bad that more spouses aren't able to pull their heads out long enough to take 2 days just to make sure ...the feeling I have about their unwillingness to put love first and give something like this a try is exasperation and as a feeling it is about an 8 on a scale of 1-10 ...if it were a color it would be a dark gray and would smell like rotten fruit on a hot summerday and taste like bile. (lol)


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Originally Posted by bballer1
I will do split custody the opposite week the OM has his kids too and she will not get to dictate that for me. See how she likes that arrangement.


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Originally Posted by Sara
My experience was that Retrouvaille was effective, counseling was ineffective. In counseling my quiet, reserved husband dominated the conversation and spent the whole time complaining about me. The therapist rarely moved the topic forward. We wasted time rehashing the past. In Retrouvaille the past was forgotten after the first morning. We never dealt with finger-pointing and incriminations. We dealt with feelings. We always had equal time to get our thoughts on paper and equal time to discuss them. There was no third party to take sides. Didn't need one. In Retrouvaille we spent an entire weekend focused on us, not an hour here and there carved out of the workday over a period of months. In Retrouvaille we could see the goal -- to be like the couples who led the sessions, and the loving way they interacted with each other. And Retrouvaille was a bargain; counseling was a financial drain.


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Originally Posted by PMA_Baby!
A friend just sent me this. Fits in well w DB, GAL, PMA.



HANDBOOK FOR 2010

Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants...
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy.
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books than you did in 2009.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12 Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree....

Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change..
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up..
37. The best is yet to come.
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Originally Posted by runningoutoftime
You let go of the resentment because it only hurts you. You let it go because resentment, anger, jealousy etc... is YOUR baggage and to be healthy and healed means you have to work through it and learn to let it go.

But people heal at different rates, and then there are some people that never heal. They just carry that baggage and all the anger, resentment and hurt the rest of their lives.

We probably all can think of someone like that.



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