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Originally Posted by KristinG

1) Continuing GAL, distance, and living my best life (for the WIN)
2) Not rejecting or pushing away small advances in flirting, physical affection, etc., but rather, being coy, confident, and elusive. Essentially playing hard to get.
3) If it gets to the point that she decides to ask me out on a date, I only accept if there are no other players in the game.


Kristin,

1 Sounds great!
2 I would not suggest going through the whole mating ritual thing with her right now. She needs to think you've moved on before she will begin to miss you. When you play HER games, which is what you've been doing, then you just lock yourself in as Plan B. Plan B NEVER gets elevated to Plan A. If she loses OW then you will continue to be Plan B while she looks for OW2 or 3 or 4.
3 No dates for now. Detach! She shouldn't even be on your radar for a while.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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R2C and AS,

You guys are both right. It S*CKS because I know what you say is true in my heart but it's so hard to give up hope and drop the rope. I feel ashamed that I am so weak to her pursuits. I know in my gut she is still seeing and sleeping with AP and has done so off and on for almost a year. 99% of the human race would tell me to leave her sorry self behind, but it's my own internal conflict because my dumb heart still loves her.

I struggle with nagging, internal questions. Could she fall back in love with me if I remain a safe, stable place with no judgements? Would she choose to end her affair relationship if she has enjoyable experiences with me? Would she choose to end it if she feels attraction to me? Would going NC solidify her affair relationship and form it into a committed relationship? Would pulling away more give her more freedom to cement her affair relationship? Could I even get past all of this betrayal? We don't have kids, why am I still sticking around?

These and more constantly play on a loop in my head. I am getting better at focusing on myself and accepting that I can only control my choices. Today has been a bad emotional day. They are not as frequent as they once were but I still get them and I still want them to end. Days like today make me want to contemplate the big D.


LBW 32 - me
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I do things in my current relationship that go completely against what "I feel" should work. I do it because "I know" it works. I know it works because in the past I went against my "better judgment" tried something I was uncomfortable doing, and responses were more positive than doing things I think would work but were not actually working.

I faced my fear. Guess what? things got better.



"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Originally Posted by KristinG

...
I struggle with nagging, internal questions. Could she fall back in love with me if I remain a safe, stable place with no judgements? Would she choose to end her affair relationship if she has enjoyable experiences with me? Would she choose to end it if she feels attraction to me? Would going NC solidify her affair relationship and form it into a committed relationship? Would pulling away more give her more freedom to cement her affair relationship? Could I even get past all of this betrayal? We don't have kids, why am I still sticking around?
...


I have the same awful thoughts that my WW and OM could solidify their relationship, and somehow my WW becomes the perfect spouse to someone else. I attribute it to FOMO (fear of missing out)... honestly, how likely is that without doing real personal growth on themselves that two cheaters become good partners.

I know that pursuing did not work, and I lost my self-respect and self-confidence.

I do not know that not pursuing (NC, GAL) will work for sure, but I am gaining back my self-respect and self-confidence.

There's such a thing as forbidden fruit theory with affairs. Once they are addicted, the more you try to stop them, the more they want it. At this point, aside from them being happily ever after, what else worse can happen?

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Originally Posted by KristinG
I am getting better at focusing on myself and accepting that I can only control my choices. Today has been a bad emotional day. They are not as frequent as they once were but I still get them and I still want them to end. Days like today make me want to contemplate the big D.

KG -

One thing I tell myself during the rough times is that emotions are neither bad nor good. They just are.

And all emotions are equally valid. Joy, boredom, anger, love, resentment. No judgment.

The hard part is deciding when to make a decision based on an emotion. There are times when it is obvious that patience is best, when the emotions are stirring like a tornado. Bad days are like this. I'm sorry you are going through it today.

However, at some point, in order to enjoy the full human experience, that includes accepting emotions and accepting that our emotions do guide our decisions (unless you want to go full Zen). Sometimes I feel exhausted from trying to rein in my emotions.

I struggle with this all the time and I imagine almost everyone here does as well. We get that hopeless feeling that our WAS's are forever lost, that we are dummies for sticking around. We start to question our emotions themselves. If I choose to stay, am I invalidating my own self-worth? If I choose to leave, am I reacting off a temporary emotion and doing something I will later regret?

I'm rambling. It's a work in progress for me, too, but I strongly believe the more I get tuned into my emotions, the more I will just "know" what to do when the time comes. Because I'll know "This really strong emotion I'm feeling [censored], but it will subside in a day or two" vs. "This emotion here has been here awhile, and I identify strongly with it, and it is telling me something."

Originally Posted by KristinG
I struggle with nagging, internal questions. Could she fall back in love with me if I remain a safe, stable place with no judgements? Would she choose to end her affair relationship if she has enjoyable experiences with me? Would she choose to end it if she feels attraction to me? Would going NC solidify her affair relationship and form it into a committed relationship? Would pulling away more give her more freedom to cement her affair relationship? Could I even get past all of this betrayal? We don't have kids, why am I still sticking around?

You can't control her. You also can't figure her out. The more you focus on her, the more you will feel frustrated, and the more you will feel out of control of your own life. Keep focusing on yourself, I know it seems hard but you will get better at it with time.

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Would going NC cement her and AP ? Maybe so but cement crumbles

She has been sleeping with AP for a year . Your safe and stable is her cushion not her reason for R.

Would you really be able to get over everything knowing she came back because you were stable ? What if you became unstable ? She gets to have another AP .

We all have bad days . Some can be worse than others . You are doing great and growing . Work on being a bit tougher .

Strong and stable for you not her .

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not much to add, but Kristin, just wanted to send good vibes and hugs your way. You are strong and amazing and doing the best you can, better every day. Keep it up and we are all here for YOU!


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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Hey guys! Thought I would give a quick update. I took a few days off from the forums to clear my head and stop spinning. Friday was a bad day - thank you all so much for your words of encouragement and advice. WW could tell that I was having a hard day and knew it was about our sitch. I went off the radar and just spent some time with some self care that night. The rest of the weekend my emotions were much more balanced. I got a lot accomplished with work and it always feels good to get caught up.

Originally Posted by LovingIt

There's such a thing as forbidden fruit theory with affairs. Once they are addicted, the more you try to stop them, the more they want it. At this point, aside from them being happily ever after, what else worse can happen?


THIS! I wish there was more information out there for people to realize that it's not just an "oops" moment in many of the cases with affairs. The wayward is 100% addicted and that will never change unless the OW/OM ends it, or until they hit rock bottom.

R2C - I am facing those fears daily my friend. Thank you for being a strong voice in keeping me grounded. I'm still not doing full NC, but I am protecting myself and evolving. Maybe I'll wake up one day and I'll be ready and know that I can follow through.

U,

You are absolutely right. Friday I couldn't stop the obsessive thoughts and focus on her. I (finally) know that reacting off of those emotions and making rash decisions aren't the way to push through them. Previously, with emotions that intense I would have pushed her away only to allow her back in. I kept to myself and persevered. I didn't let them get the best of me and I didn't make a decision only to make myself look weak. Just like with R2C, if those emotions persist long enough I'm sure that my choices will reflect a need to go full NC.

Cali & May,

I feel like you two gals are true gems! It's been such a blessing to have both of your incites and amazing encouragement throughout everything. I'll catch up with both of ya'll on your threads!

Happy Turkey Week! I'm super thankful to have found this group.

KG


LBW 32 - me
WW 31
T 7 M 4
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4 dogs

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Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
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How is everyone holding up after the holiday weekend?! I hope all is well. This weekend was pretty enjoyable. I played a TON of video games and had some good R&R. I even slept in past 9 am which hasn't happened in months. Saturday, ww and I had a friendsgiving party we agreed to attend that evening. She decided that she was too exhausted from work and the week's festivities to go. My gut tells me that she had made other plans with AP. Either way, I didn't let it deter me from enjoying a great dinner and laughing my butt off with good friends. Needless to say, I went to the party and had an absolute blast. I even met up with a good friend at a bar to do some karaoke later that night. It is still really awkward and difficult to know how to respond when friends ask how "we" are doing. "Are ya'll back together?" "Are you getting a divorce?" etc.. I have resigned to simply stating that we are not together, we're working on ourselves as individuals, and that I don't want a divorce.

It was an interesting time at the karaoke bar. I only had 2 drinks, but yours truly didn't spend a dime (wink wink).
And no, I didn't even so much as flirt - my wife is still the only person I see - but the attention still felt great. Sunday I had a lazy day with my pups and watched a couple of movies. I've started trying to take a few moments of meditation when I feel any type of strong emotion. I know that Unchien, IronWill, and a few others that have had success using it. So far it really helps to calm and re-center my thoughts. Work has been crazy thus far today but I'll try to catch up on everyone as time allows.

Happy Monday!

KG


LBW 32 - me
WW 31
T 7 M 4
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Yay!!! Kristin, you made my day. smile I'm sitting on my couch with a beer and my laptop grinning like a fool thinking about you having a blast, belting out karaoke and getting all your drinks paid for. (My H is like WHAT are you smiling at??) You go, girl!!

Love that you had a great weekend, slept in, had fun, meditated, and have mastered the simple response to friends about what is going on with you two. Know that they are asking from a place of love and support even when it feels awkward and intrusive.

Super glad to see you having fun and reconnecting with your friends, dogs and yourself! smile


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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