BB, I'm definitely a proponent of "tough love" when it comes to waywards, and your W is about as wayward as they get. So I think you're doing the right thing refusing her advances. I have a feeling that some day this mess she's making is going to blow up and she's going to come crawling back to you, but it's going to be so far down the road that you will have more than likely moved on and want nothing to do with her. I understand your frustration and desire to just "rip the bandaid off" but I agree with LH, I wouldn't move out of the house just yet. You've got plenty of time, no need to rush things.
I have asked her to move out and that I need separation to help myself heal and due to the fact that she refuses to stop contact with the OM. Our relationship will never improve unless that stops. I am giving her 2 weeks to look for a place to stay.
In the meantime I am taking my son to live with me at my grandmothers house which is vacant.
LH19:
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Bad move moving out dude. What are you going to do when she doesn't move out and has OM over your house?
I am confused... are you moving out for good, or did you tell her "I'm done, you're cheating, you need to get out... Im giving you two weeks and in the meantime im taking the kid and getting away from you. When i come back i want you gone"
If the former (you just moved out), Im with LH19 that that's just a bad/weak move. If, on the other hand, it's the latter, while not the ideal stance (which is you stay put, toss her stuff in the yard, and move on with your life), it's not bad, either. Its what I did... discovered her continued contact with OM, told her I was done and wanted her gone and that i was leaving and she needed to be out by the end of the week. IMO that (the ultimatum and temporary leaving) is retaining claim to the house and then separating yourself because she disgusts you (or whatever). You intend to return and make arrangements to do so. Not nearly as weak. Even arguably strong. It ultimately "worked" for me. Problem is if she calls you on it and is still there when you get home... what do you do? If you issue such an ultimatum you have to be prepared to act. (Likely by putting her stuff out in the yard--or at least out of the MBR-- and changing the locks next time she stays out late, or the like, and then going completely dark on her.) But I wouldn't just surrender the house to her.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
I really wish LBSs would consult with the board before making huge decisions. Everyone thinks detachment is easier if they are physically separated from the WAS. It isn't that easy. And on the flip side LBSs that are physically separated feel that there is no way for them to show their WAS that they are making positive changes. It is a double-edged sword.
Asking her to leave is fine. She is under no legal obligation to do so. Staying in the house is almost always the best course of action, unless the obstinate spouse is physically abusive.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
"hoosjim". Yes that is the case the latter. I was cordial and amicable. I simply said I would give her 2 weeks to find somewhere to live. Then I would move back into the house. We would be separating to get space and see what living apart would be like. Now that you say it like that I probably need to tell her only a week.
I'm sorry guys but I can't continue to live with this lie. Its been 5 months and everyday I see her it makes it just as hard to move on or let go. I think I need separation to heal or I may lose my sanity, harm the OM (seriously), or worse lose my job from lack of focus and being on top of things.
Regardless if we eventually go through divorce then she knows I will be living in the house. She had the nerve to ask, "why do I have to be the one to move out." I said really, we really have to go there. Because I have over 7000 messages, caught him dropping you off, knew you were messaging him 2 weeks ago, and saw you through the window messaging him on Google sheets just last week.
She gets emotional thinking about it but she is lost and not the same woman I first married. She stated last night that she was a bad person and didn't deserve anyone. I guess that was the guilt talking because she knows she is messaging him all day while at school. She got home last night at 8:30 and went straight to working on her computer. She only works 3 hours out the day at school.
She has also mentioned that she was going to make a decision in January. Really? Its almost comical like Lebron James, "The Decision" on ESPN. Are you kidding me? Like I am the poor Ole Cleveland Cavs waiting on her decision. Why? I do not know! It could be she is waiting on him to get his home fixed up and ready to move, it could be that her job would be secure because the deadline to report it to the state will have passed, It could be that she will hopefully get another job in January.
The reason she keeps treating you as a second class citizen is because you allow her to treat you that way. Hold tight and try to get her out of the house.
She is willing to leave but has no where to go. Her father said she couldn't come to his house until she quit speaking to or communicating with the OM. She doesn't even speak to him anymore and when she does they just argue and fight.
I have been asking her to move out for nearly a month now and she just doesn't seem to go through with it. I just think taking my son and leaving for a week would put things into perspective for her. I really doubt the OM would come to my house due to him being a scared chicken. I tried calling him several times and he refuses to answer my calls. Besides I don't care anyways. It would only be for a week. Then I will come home and move all of her clothes to the other bedroom.
Her father called today and they are delusional about the situation. They seem to think she can't continue this destructive pattern forever and she will have to make amends with me due to our history, children, and living in a small community. Her dad seems to think she is a good person and always has been and this is why she will eventually come to her senses. I've tried to convince him that she is addicted and is wiling to take a chance on how she feels.
I think I will have to let her go in order to someday get her back. Only problem is if she gets with him and it doesn't work out then I know I wouldn't want her back.
Weekend has gone well. She has refused to move out and she has refused to file. She claims she doesn’t want a divorce. I told her if she was going to continue talking to OM then she needed to get out.
I guess I am going to just wait this thing out and hope for the best. I am going to continue to move forward and take care of my sons. Eventually she will see this guy for who he really is and what pain this has caused our family. I will be fine moving forward. I’ve prayed about this and my family is the most important thing in my life. Time will heal all wounds and if she doesn’t come around then hopefully she will get the courage to be honest about what she wants.
She clearly stated today that she doesn’t want to stop talking to him. This has got to be a bad place for her as our boys both know. I am going to continue to detach, gal, and work on myself. I have a lot of Demons from my childhood.
Look man I know you are in a really tough situation but you really have to stop making statements that you can’t and don’t follow through on because it makes you look weak.
I also think with your boys knowing you are teaching them that it’s ok to be a doormat.
To get her back she has to respect you. How do you get your respect back?
“LH”, Not sure how to do that other than I need to respect myself and hold true to the boundaries I’ve set. I have her out of the MB. I’ve clearly stated that if she was going to talk to OM she needs to move out to respect me and our son.
