All those that know my story would you recommend I sign up for the 3 coaching sessions? I have also scheduled a Dr's appointment to see if I can get help with my OCD and obsessive thoughts. Not sure if that is a good idea but it may help. I don;t seem to have a ton of anxiety but rather a lot of obsessive thoughts that keep me stuck.
All those that know my story would you recommend I sign up for the 3 coaching sessions?
I found them to be quite helpful. You are right that they are not cheap (though not really any more than some therapists) and not "insurable", but at the end of the day i thought they were worth it. You'd definitely need more than one... a pack of three is a reasonable start and if at the end you think you're on a good track you can always buy more. I tended to stretch mine out a little more than weekly for money reasons, and still felt i was getting valuable feedback and that it was helpful. A couple of things to keep in mind: 1) Make sure you get a coach you "click" with... They have plenty available so don't be afraid to tell them "hey, this one im just not connecting with, can i try someone different." At the end of the day, these folks are much like counselors, so "fit" is important. I ended up switching after my first session and was very glad that i did... connected much better with coach #2. 2) Dont forget that you have a WW... and that changes the calculus a bit for you. These are "Divorce Busting" coaches, and MWD still doesn't explicitly have any specific tips/guidance regarding WW's... although pretty much everything Sandi2 says about WW's and how to deal with them is consistent, in one way or another, with the core tenets of DB-ing... Just don't forget that (the WW) angle, and don't be afraid to ask questions and push back a little of some piece of advice or line of questioning doesn't seem quite right to you. I found the coaching most helpful in the areas of 180-ing and GAL-ing and validating and detaching/pursuit/distance.
I have also scheduled a Dr's appointment to see if I can get help with my OCD and obsessive thoughts. Not sure if that is a good idea but it may help. I don;t seem to have a ton of anxiety but rather a lot of obsessive thoughts that keep me stuck.
Tough call, here. Mental health is obviously extremely important and if you really believe you have a clinical problem then you should absolutely seek health. OTOH, try to consider the possibility that you are just experiencing some of the normal, PTSD-type reactions/feelings that all LBH's in this sitch tend to experience. My suggestion would be to maybe seek out a MC who also does IC. I was fortunate that my own chosen MC did IC, was familiar with affairs and WWs, was pro-marriage and also goals-oriented... IOW very compatible with the DB philosophy and also very helpful in navigating alot of the feelings and problems I was experiencing (including obsessive thoughts, etc) that, while real and troublesome, did not rise to the level of a clinical "mental illness." You don't want to end up on medications that you don't need and that might ultimately be counterproductive.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
They were primarily helpful to frame my situation in a different way. The strategies themselves didn't move the needle in my sitch - there is no magic solution after all - but I was happy that I tried.
Let me put a perspective in here - one that the board superiors may or may not want put out there but I'm going to anyhow. I'm a huge fan of MWD, her books, her theories and teachings, and this website. That said, what is going on today is a far cry from years ago when it all started. They can't even get options on the outdated board software changed these days. There used to be a higher level moderator type person that would would comment and assist new people here in signing for the counseling services. She's long gone. However, this all started before Facebook and the like - at least before social media was starting to take off. There used to be hundreds of posts made here everyday. Now there are dozens. It's the same very small group of people with just a few new ones happening to find the place and some great veterans who remain around to try to help people.
My point is, be careful who might even be left to provide these services. Again, in year's past there were multiple, high quality councilors doing this for MWD and this site. I did three and certainly found them more useful than going to a non MWD-trained C. I just don't know if that's still the case. You might want to ask who these C's are now. How long have they done this for MWD, etc. Things are clearly winding down here and seem to be on a skeleton crew. That doesn't mean they can't be helpful - just that what you see, even the pictures and advertising is the same I saw 15 years when I first came here - nothing has been changed. Buyer beware.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Don h thanks for the advice. Now I have come up with a plan going forward. I have been really stuck and it seems worse now that you add the stress of dealing with a basketball season that is beginning.
I discussed with my stitch tonight that it is clear she doesn’t know what she wants and she and I both know she has been in communication with the OM. She knows I know and when I caught her I kicked her out the MB. I still have to come home and see her each day along with any behavior that may trigger me feeling unsafe and that she is messaging him in my presence.
I have asked her to move out and that I need separation to help myself heal and due to the fact that she refuses to stop contact with the OM. Our relationship will never improve unless that stops. I am giving her 2 weeks to look for a place to stay.
In the meantime I am taking my son to live with me at my grandmothers house which is vacant. I have agreed to do split custody while I’m living apart but she must find another place to live within 2 weeks. I have got to let her go and being separated will help me. I have realized that we could live in this state of limbo for a very long time. I am not strong enough to live in the same house and keep her or the fear of her messaging him off my mind. I wish I was strong enough to wait this out but I’m afraid I may lose my sanity if I don’t remove myself. I will make sure my son is with me at least the first week so I can comfort him and let him know why I have made this decision.
Oh and I told you guys we live in a rural town. My grandmothers house is across the street from the OM’s new home that he purchased. Crappy luck I guess. She knows this also and told me that I wouldn’t be moving over there. My response was you are wrong, you don’t get to tell me what to do anymore.
She loves being in control and when I talk about separation or divorce she gets emotional. She says she don’t think she can divorce me. Well I am tired of living in limbo. Some men can do this for years but not this man. If this pushes her into his arms then I never had a chance anyways.
She also had the nerve to ask me if I would take her back after we split up. I told her $&;8& no I wouldn’t take you back. I may find some else between now and then.
Now keep in my I have been cordial and amicable in all of this but I made it clear that she is not in total control of me anymore. That includes telling me how to live my life, always offering her advice, and belittling me on decision that have to be made. I made it clear that I am working on my own healing and growth. That includes not having her around or on my mind all the time.
Later she came and got into the bed and wanted to hug and cuddle. I made her get out. I don’t trust anything she says. I will do split custody the opposite week the OM has his kids too and she will not get to dictate that for me. See how she likes that arrangement.
I guess you are right. I can go another 2 weeks and persuade her to find a place to live. This is what she wants to do anyways deep down inside. She gets all emotional when we have these talks but It is what she truly wants. She will have to live with the pain of regret as we go through this.