Confused and Lost II

[KristinG]

Oh, and also, I thought you all might find it quite hilarious that WW ran into a good friend of ours this past weekend. We haven't seen her in over 6 months and she asked my ww "If she had finally gotten her head out of her butt and fixed things with me". WW replied "I'm trying. She's the best and she deserves the best."

Ww sent this convo between them to me on Friday night. I just responded. "She's right". Comical! Thought you all would enjoy.

[may22]

Kristin,

So glad you had an awesome weekend! I agree, sitting on a comfy couch sipping wine and hanging with a good friend is waaaaay better than going out on the town... but yes, I would have gotten some joy out of thinking of you being hit on!!

Also, you aren't old

[KristinG]

Awkward but also not awkward interaction today.

WW came by after work last night to bring some deposits and various paperwork for the business. She was being more cuddly and needy than usual and told me she thought she might be getting a cold. Her actions lately have been far more affectionate (ILY, Good mornings, Good nights, Pet names, etc). I have just been riding steady and not reaching out, not pursing. I will respond in the same level of energy, but as most of you know I have been trying to focus on self care and my own growth. So back to her ailment. I told her last night that I would make a big pot of homemade chicken noodle soup. It's been getting chilly here and it's good soup weather anyways. She said that I didn't have to do anything like that, but that if I did to save her a bowl. I made the soup and when she text me later in the night I told her that I had saved her a mason jar full. She was ecstatic and asked if I would want to come to her work and have lunch today so she could enjoy it. I agreed and went today. Now to the awkward sitch. After sitting and chatting for a few during her lunch, she went to give me a hug goodbye and quite awkwardly tried to kiss me. The jacket I was wearing completely blocked her lips and she had to back up, remove my jacket from my face, and attempt again. I died laughing while I was driving away. It was an awkward kiss and I'm definitely not reading anything into it - but perhaps her heart is feeling the distance. Happy Humpday.

[AnotherStander]

How much do you know about the distance/ pursuit cycle? If you don't know about it, Google it. You're distancing, she's pursuing. The worst thing you can do right now is to start pursuing her. Don't make her soup, don't hug her, don't let her kiss you. I know it seems counter-intuitive but for now she's just trying to keep you on the hook as Plan B. She will never learn to miss you if you keep letting her engage you like this. You need to go dark on her. She still has a long journey ahead before she might hit bottom and realize what she's losing. She's just playing games for now. You're doing pretty well with DB'ing and it's working, but you're still letting her pull you back in!

[Caligirl]

So glad to hear that you are really stepping up your GAL . No more hermit !! Not only is this great for you but W is noticing and trying to pull you back in .

Another stander is right she has you on the hook as plan B. It is hard to apply the advise you get but you can do this . Look how far you have come . You are getting a lot of the techniques down and seeing they work .

Most of us here understand the overwhelming feeling to want to help them or see our spouses . It’s hard to pull away but she needs to feel she has lost you in order to really want it back .

[may22]

Hi Kristin,

Here's an idea-- can you read back through your threads/journals, review calendars, etc. and really map out your actions and how she has responded? I think for those of us who are reading here, it feels really clear that as you withdraw she leans in, but I know when you're really in the thick of things it can be hard to step back and see the patterns. If I remember correctly in the DB book, she talks about treating it almost like a scientific experiment-- really observe what happens when you do (whatever)-- if positive, keep it up! If not, STOP! Maybe writing it all down will help you to see the progress and how your DBing is WORKING-- and that might give you the necessary willpower to step it up a little more. At least from my perspective just reading here, it feels like every time you've escalated your DB-ing and withdrew a little more, she has responded by becoming more and more interested-- meaning it is working and you should keep it up.

Another analogy I've seen used is the ping-pong game with you on one paddle and the AP on the other, and it will never end until one of you drops the paddle. It feels a little like you've dropped it (or at least put it down), but she's coaxing you back into picking it up. You need to know that the other paddle is GONE before you pick back up or you will be drawn back into the game.

And knowing I'm also struggling with this same balance... wondering if the same advice my coach gave me would work for you-- treating her like a friend/houseguest? That would eliminate the kissing and unless you're making soup for a whole bunch of friends and dropping it off for all of them, no need to do something special for her.

[KristinG]

AS, Cali, and May:

You are all correct. I don't want to pick up that paddle. I'm a work in progress but I fully intend on keeping up the GAL and distance. It's quite obvious she pursues when I do. The difficult part is that the pursuit feels so good. It has been a long time since she "chased" me and it's hard not to get sucked in. I am planning on staying calm and continuing the self growth.

What do ya'll think about:

1) Continuing GAL, distance, and living my best life (for the WIN)
2) Not rejecting or pushing away small advances in flirting, physical affection, etc., but rather, being coy, confident, and elusive. Essentially playing hard to get.
3) If it gets to the point that she decides to ask me out on a date, I only accept if there are no other players in the game.

Part of me feels like this game plan is a win-win for me. I still want to get to a point similar to Bluwave where I know without a shadow of a doubt that I would be just fine without her. I'm making progress, but it's a long journey still to come I'm sure. As always, thank you guys for listening and being such a great sounding board.

Kristin

[Ready2Change]

When my daughter was young, I would play this game. I would try to hold on to her and she would pull away. I would start chasing her and she would run away.

I also played another game. She would come over looking for a hug, and I would push her away. What do you think she did? She tried harder to get me to hug her.


This dynamic plays over and and in relationships. Have fun playing the game.

[KristinG]

R2C,

I think you are mistaking the meaning behind my last post. I don't want to play games. I just want to be authentic and live my life. I want to be kind to the people I love and grow intellectually. While I know that I should probably just walk away, I still want to stand for my marriage. These are things I want. What I NEED is to remove my focus from ww. In order to accomplish this goal and yet still leave the door open to Recon, I was laying out a "game plan" in the above post.

I just wanted to clarify.

Kristin

[Ready2Change]

I don't want to play games.

I think you are attracted to someone that does.