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May many hugs going your way . This is one definitely for the vets .

I think the coach advise with being a little bit more patient . I wouldn’t pay too much attention to it . He knows you know he lied .

I would distance yourself when he comes back but be friendly . Amp up your GAL. He may try to bait you when he gets back . It easier for him to move out if you take the bait . Don’t give him that .

Right now you are running on anger . Try to give it a few days and see how you feel when he returns .

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Originally Posted by Caligirl
May many hugs going your way . This is one definitely for the vets .

I think the coach advise with being a little bit more patient . I wouldn’t pay too much attention to it . He knows you know he lied .

I would distance yourself when he comes back but be friendly . Amp up your GAL. He may try to bait you when he gets back . It easier for him to move out if you take the bait . Don’t give him that .

Right now you are running on anger . Try to give it a few days and see how you feel when he returns .
Thanks, CG... I needed that. I think at this point I'm going to go as NC as possible while he's away. No real reason to chat with him. He texted me a bit ago and I'm ignoring it.

When he gets back, my parents will already be here, and then my entire family (brothers, spouses and kids) for a week, so not a great time to be distant since I know he already sometimes feels a bit on the outs when my family is around-- would be a pretty easy way to make him feel crappy and drive him further away. Right now I'm thinking NC as much as possible until he returns, then friendly/nice in person... then maybe recalibrate with a little more distance after they leave. I am definitely feeling the anger right now.

Would love more opinions on this too...


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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I wouldn’t pull back if you go friendly/nice when your family is here . Too much from NC to friendly/nice to recalibrating .

Distant but friendly. Do the friendly house guest your coach said weeks ago .Enjoy time with your family . Really enjoy your family !!! It’s a tough balance . Don’t let his trip get into your head or emotions .

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May,

Girl have I been here before. I am sure your head is spinning and you feel completely panicked. Breathe. The whole situation just s*cks. The vets probably have much better advice than I could muster. But I'm thinking about you and you're not alone. I agree with Cali in that I wouldn't go from NC to friendly and then back as it could come off as too hot and cold. I'm still wrapping my head around what a good balance actually means myself, but the friendly approach seems to effect your WH in a good way. Sending you lots of hugs today.

Kristin


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Originally Posted by May
I feel like it is incredibly disrespectful to me for him to continue to be in contact with her and lying about it.

Ouch! It must be frustrating to make so much progress--then he (probably) meets OW again and lies about it. I'd be angry at the dweeb! You have a good head on your shoulders, and are doing so much right. Also sending hugs your way, and well-wishes that the trip helped him better realize what he has.

I get the idea behind the cool-warm-cool approach--he's uncomfortable around your family. I agree with Cali the rapid changes may be more confusing than helpful and if you pick one that's probably better.

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Hi CG and Kristin,
You guys are so amazing... I'm really thankful for you both! smile

D7, D9 and I had a really great weekend. Did a ton of fun stuff (plus they cleaned up their playroom!!) and had a blast. H texted me a few times yesterday in the afternoon my time (evening his time-- he's now no longer in her city) and I didn't respond to the more comments/observation ones. He then texted "how are my babies?" and I waited 20 minutes or so then responded "Great!" He responded right away "Busy day? Tell them I love them" to which I didn't respond.

This morning he called/texted a couple of times to try to catch the girls and say hi in the morning. We called him back in the car on the way to school. I was pretty neutral but we chatted a bit and he talked to the girls too.

Originally Posted by Caligirl
Distant but friendly. Do the friendly house guest your coach said weeks ago .Enjoy time with your family . Really enjoy your family !!! It’s a tough balance . Don’t let his trip get into your head or emotions .

Originally Posted by KristinG
I agree with Cali in that I wouldn't go from NC to friendly and then back as it could come off as too hot and cold. I'm still wrapping my head around what a good balance actually means myself, but the friendly approach seems to effect your WH in a good way.

I'll work on this... I think you're both right. I saw on someone else's thread the analogy of the cat (?) coming out of the castle to sniff around your picnic, running back inside, etc and you just need to keep enjoying your picnic. (Maybe I'm mixing two together, but you get the gist.) Maybe he ran back inside with this trip. Kristin, he DOES respond well to friendliness. I'm just feeling angry right now and it is hard to be friendly/distant when I want to do a whole bunch of unproductive things, like saying horrible things to him that will be hard to take back.

I know my bias will be towards enjoying my family and letting H swing on the outs if he acts like a jerk (which he does when he is feeling insecure), but I think that would be pretty damaging. Last year on spring break we traveled with another family, H was a jerk one day and the other parents and I were all like WTF. I was not on his side and I know he really felt that distance from everyone... which made him say later that he knows most of our friends here are my friends, not his, so he doesn't have a lot to lose if we D since they're not really his friends anyway. Think this is something I'll have to really work on if I want to be his friend while my family is here. If he feels ostracized he'll just retreat further.

The other thing I can't stop thinking about-- which is also pretty unproductive-- is what is the AP possibly thinking? She seems like a fairly successful, good-looking woman, 33 yo (UGH--he was also proud to tell me she runs marathons)-- why is she wasting her time on this married man who lives 5000 miles away? I know that is what she's said to him also back in July/August, though maybe that was just a ploy to get him to leave me-- but in any case, even if it was "true love" between the two of them, the likelihood of it working out just seems so slim. I would guess her clock is ticking and maybe she feels like she's invested a lot of time now into my H, but they're both being total idiots.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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Not much to report. He's texting a lot, called a few times, being really nice. In fact, I was kind of annoyed at him on the phone (spillover from the whole sitch) and he defused the situation and made me laugh. Nice to see him doing the hard work for a change.

Still mulling over whether or not to tell my mom any of what is going on when my parents get here tomorrow, and a bit worried about the family dynamics, but overall I'm feeling less angry and more back into calm DB mode.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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I gave my folks limited information. I will say it’s easier for him to join my family for events or gatherings because I have a very strong stance on things . It’s my M so my choice to R. H parents were what I like to call “fakes” nice because they had to be when things were good but man did they really drive hard how he should not be with me when he ran .

I’m glad you are back to friendly . Build on this . Be confident and consistent with your stance .

Don’t let AP occupy your head . How many 33 year old , knock out , marathon runners you know that are single ?? There’s deep issues there . Most likely she’s a walking train wreck . You are a calm , friendly , caring , fit and confident catch .

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Thanks CG smile

I am trying not to think about the AP. I actually hope she isn't a train wreck because it makes it more likely she's moving on and can find her OWN g-d husband instead of trying to poach mine wink

He comes home today and I thanks in great part to you guys, I am set to be confident, positive and friendly-- as best I can with the chaos of my entire family. My mom can be difficult and I already see her saying/doing things that are likely to irritate him. (They irritate me too but she's my mom!)


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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So he's back, things have been really positive. He's been super nice to my mom (and me) and nudged me under the table when she said something weird rather than get irritated, making us both have to fight cracking up.

He also said a couple of things that were borderline rude to me-- things that in the past would have started a big fight. The first thing I brushed off as it wasn't all that big of a deal. He came back into the room and apologized really nicely in front of my parents for what he said. Then this morning he said something kind of hurtful to me about my mom and instead of reacting I said "that kind of hurt my feelings"-- he immediately backtracked and I let it go. Then later on he called me to apologize and did so really nicely again.

So, I'll keep focusing on the positives and being positive and confident myself. Don't feel like any of the above means anything in terms of how he's feeling about R or not, but sure makes it easier to be fun and friendly when he's being the same.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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