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Originally Posted by DaB35
Adding to my last post above -

Is this natural that I feel bad about not contacting her? I know it helps with detaching etc., but at the same time I'm concerned she thinks - or others are coercing her to think - that I don't care full stop and not tried to work things out (even though I absolutely have).

I do hope W is ok. I know I shouldn't just text "Hi how are you?" as it doesn't really mean anything. But it's making me feel bad that I'm not speaking to her. Having said that - yes, she is not speaking to me either, but I don't know if that's her 100% or others again telling her not to reach out and she's just following that to keep the peace.

I want to keep the picnic and lighthouse going still - do I need to be aware if this news gets back to her? Or just have the picnic, keep the lighthouse on and be pleasant whenever the time arises that we need to speak to each other in any format?

Mind-reading I know, I know...!


Does it matter the reasons why she isnt texting you? My wife isnt allowed to contact me any more because her new boyfriend gets jealous and thinks we are working towards reconciliation. Its natural to feel bad about not contacting her but the fact of the matter is if she wanted to talk to you she would reach out to you. I find it has helped me detach tremendously knowing that she has no desire to interact with me whatsoever.

She has no desire to interact with me.. and everyday I am losing a little bit of the desire I have to interact with her. Emotional clearance is healthy during separation.

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I'm also finding this tough DaB35

At times I just want to reach out and check she's ok, also concerned with displaying Pma and Gal that it comes across that I don't care about what's happening or that I haven't fought for the MR.

I don't know how to display that I absolutely do care and want to reconcile


Bd August 2019 after 16years
S 12
D 6
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Yes J, that's what I'm thinking.

I do care about her. I would love R, but at this stage it's quite late in the day. Our decree nisi was granted 2 weeks ago. So it looks like the absolute will happen officially around Xmas time. What a present!

I keep thinking back to her saying how it's very sad, she wished things were different, she cares about my happiness, if she could have a friendship with me it would mean a lot, etc. That kind of makes things worse - why throw everything away then when those words suggest you'd be open to R?

I don't want my PMA and GAL to stop, as it's helping me stay sane and focussed, but also I don't want it to make me look arrogant and disinterested.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
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Slightly awkward moment at gig last night.

Remember when I mentioned that W has put up a "temporary closure" of her business on her Facebook page, citing "injury"? She has not mentioned this injury to me, so I suspect it's her not bothering with the business whilst D is progressing; presumably she's finding it hard to focus (?) - she has not told me anything about this at all, and I've not heard it from anyone else/mutual friends.

Last night as I was leaving, someone else in the orchestra - who is a frequent customer of W's, and I know him too - said "What's happened to W?" I initially thought he was asking why she wasn't playing last night (we'd always come and play together), but then when I stood there fumbling for an answer (he doesn't know anything about S or D), he clarified, "Her injury?" I fluffed an answer I'm afraid. I said something about "Oh yes, some injury of some sort. I think she'll be ok." I was in a rush to leave and get in the car and drive back to my parents'. He said "OK, I hope she gets better."

Can I ask - shall I still not ask W about this 'injury'? I am trying to be positive throughout this whole process, but it is so hard. She has left a big gap in my life which I really am doing my darndest to fill with GAL stuff.

Do I just stay consistent with all these lines of activity (my picnic) and remain absolutely civil and pleasant to her (the lighthouse is always on), but also don't fall back into NGS and rush to help her at any sign of needing help?

I find it so frustrating - I've essentially sorted myself out. There we go - less than 6 months and I've turned myself around and improved so many aspects of my personality and yet she wanted to chuck it all away. I don't want to sound entitled by saying that - I'm just saying that if W actually followed through when she said "I won't make any decisions until you've got through most of your therapy and IC" then things might be different now.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
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I can only say I fully feel your frustration.
It's that feeling of never really knowing where you stand, wanting to see a glimmer of hope and getting stuck in wondering what they are thinking, I catch myself being really hard on myself over thinking every interaction.

Did I do ok, have I blown it or set things back even further.

I'm guessing most of the vets would say continue with the picnic.

It's just really hard sometimes,
I'm with you D


Bd August 2019 after 16years
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D 6
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I'm struggling with the not reaching out, too. I mean, I get the idea of not pursuing but sometimes it feels like what I would do to someone who I want out of my life vs someone I want in my life. I'm going to trust the process - folks here have been right about so much and W is still acting crazy so I don't think that doing what feels logical is the right move. I spent over a year trying to be perfect for her and that led to divorce - doesn't seem logical to do that again. But I hear you.

Originally Posted by DaB35

Last night as I was leaving, someone else in the orchestra - who is a frequent customer of W's, and I know him too - said "What's happened to W?" I initially thought he was asking why she wasn't playing last night (we'd always come and play together), but then when I stood there fumbling for an answer (he doesn't know anything about S or D), he clarified, "Her injury?" I fluffed an answer I'm afraid. I said something about "Oh yes, some injury of some sort. I think she'll be ok." I was in a rush to leave and get in the car and drive back to my parents'. He said "OK, I hope she gets better."

I guess that you aren't telling friends/acquaintances? I've been honest when I've hit these situations. "Hey, I honestly don't know - not to lay too much on you but we're separated. Everything is ok so no worries, but I just don't know anything more than you about the injury"

My sitch may be different from yours - we work in the same place so everyone is finding out anyway, I figure that I might as well say something if it comes up.


M(35), W(35), D(4)
M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019
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All three of you just started the process of D or S. You are probably at a minimum of 1 year of seeing any changes and they will be minor. Probably at minimum 2 years away for a chance at recon.

The only way to speed up the process is for you to actually move on. The problem is you will be moved on and have zero desire to return to the Nightmare on Elm Street.

Lastly, when you pursue and do favors for someone who is rejecting you it displays to them that you are of low value and confirms they are making the right decision.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don’t chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people – the ones who really belong in your life – will come to you. And stay.” ~LH19
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Thanks for the 2x4 LH, I knew it was coming. I have just had a slightly lower few days recently.

Yes, I appreciate that for me this entire process has just lasted 6 months so far (!). Plus I only found DB 3 months ago. I think I've made good progress so far with myself and self-improvement, but I do find it hard to not reach out to someone who was such an important part of my life.

I will keep going forward and pushing through it all. I'm finding more things to do - more hobbies/things to try, plus meeting up with old friends more often, and being able to look after myself more seriously.

I will keep reminding myself to not pursue nor offer do any favours. I'll just have my picnic and enjoy it more.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
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Originally Posted by DaB35
Had a thought of guilt today that I'm not contacting W at all. Not asking her how she is, how she's getting on etc.


That's because DB'ing is counter-intuitive. Your heart is telling you that you need to "nice" her back. Remind her you love her and that you're patiently waiting for her. Maybe buy her some flowers or a nice gift to show how much you care. A card perhaps. Reach out and touch someone. That's Hollywood garbage. She WANTS to be left alone right now. She WANTS as little of you as possible. If she could push a button and have you shipped off to a deserted island somewhere like Tom Hanks in Castaway then she would be mashing it over and over again. Give her what she wants- "not you".

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I am worried that she thinks I don't care about her, or maybe other people (family/friends) she is talking to think that I don't care as I've not "tried to fight" or whatever.


That's classic beta NGS stuff. Try to shift your worries over to what awesome GAL stuff you're doing.

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I guess this is normal. Just felt a bit anxious that I may be coming across as uncaring.


Completely normal, and it's good that you asked here instead of doing something you shouldn't.

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I've been doing well with GAL this week - gym 4 times so far, trip to London yesterday to meet a friend and watch a classical concert, plus this weekend is busy. So the PMA is still there. I just miss her company really.


Good! And of course you do, recovering from a long-term relationship takes time!

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But it's making me feel bad that I'm not speaking to her.


But it's what she wants. You're doing it for her, not you.

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Having said that - yes, she is not speaking to me either, but I don't know if that's her 100% or others again telling her not to reach out and she's just following that to keep the peace.


That's 100% her. She doesn't want to talk to you. The sooner you wrap your head around that then the easier it will be for you to accept DB'ing. She's not the person you fell in loved with and married anymore. Maybe she will be again some day, but it's going to take time.

At some point she may very well say something like "well you've been so cold and distant and that has made things worse" or "you didn't fight for me so I gave up caring" but rest assured it's WAS script. She'll say things like that to support her WAS narrative and shift blame to you. If she does say things like that then either don't reply, or reply with validation. "It sounds like you're frustrated, is that how you feel?"


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander

That's because DB'ing is counter-intuitive. Your heart is telling you that you need to "nice" her back. Remind her you love her and that you're patiently waiting for her. Maybe buy her some flowers or a nice gift to show how much you care. A card perhaps. Reach out and touch someone. That's Hollywood garbage. She WANTS to be left alone right now......Give her what she wants- "not you".


Thanks AS, much appreciated as always. Yes I think the counter-intuitive-ness of DBing has hit me hard recently (albeit belatedly).

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
That's classic beta NGS stuff. Try to shift your worries over to what awesome GAL stuff you're doing.


Agreed. I will focus my brainpower on GAL stuff.

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Completely normal, and it's good that you asked here instead of doing something you shouldn't......
Good! And of course you do, recovering from a long-term relationship takes time!


That is encouraging to hear, and I'm glad I check here first before doing something that could ruin my DBing so far.

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
At some point she may very well say something like "well you've been so cold and distant and that has made things worse" or "you didn't fight for me so I gave up caring" but rest assured it's WAS script. She'll say things like that to support her WAS narrative and shift blame to you. If she does say things like that then either don't reply, or reply with validation. "It sounds like you're frustrated, is that how you feel?"


Noted. I will certainly validate if she brings that up. She hasn't yet. We have not seen each other in just over 2 months.

I might watch another episode of that 'Night with my Ex' reality show to see what arguments the couples have, and practise my validation responses when I listen to their conversations.

I practised validating at work today. A colleague suddenly burst into tears with the amount of work she has - seems to be quite unrealistic. I said things like, "I can see how overwhelming that much work would be" or "it sounds like it would be difficult to plan everything when you work part-time but in a managerial role". She seemed to calm down a bit and appeared to compose herself.

I'm still waiting for more info from L regarding the finances court order. Lots of questions as the form is quite unclear. She has not chased it though which surprises me, as it's been nearly 2 weeks since she brought it up first.
There is no animosity at present, just complete NC unless absolutely necessary (e.g. yesterday she asked me to pay the window cleaner as they'd come round last week when nobody was in the house - simple business-like polite texts from me).

I guess I should just keep at that picnic...


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
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