Sounds like you've mastered the detaching... and he's going to need to really work to win you back. How are you feeling about him these days? Have you thought about what you would want in terms of a new MR with him?
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I feel ok . I just don’t let much he does effect me the way it used to . He was out pretty much all weekend doing planned GAL. One which I purchased for him . Mainly I just do my own thing if he wants to go or spend time with me he’s got to put the work in .
I still have not made any decisions regarding his family and friends . Half of me says go to events . Half says I don’t really like these people nor do they care for me so I shouldn’t .
I totally get it, especially about the family and friends. Life is short and there is no reason to spend time with people who are jerks and/or who bring you down unless you have to. Maybe there will be a time when you're OK with it but I don't think you should force yourself to spend time with people who aren't worth your time and energy, especially right now when you have a lot on your plate between work, kids, and figuring out R with H!
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
He rementioned the family gathering this upcoming weekend . Almost as a reminder that we are going . I know he wants me to go to his sisters . I just sat there like a deer in headlights trying not to blurt out every emotion I had on it . I’m actually laughing this am about how bad I just sat there and said nothing (like frozen) . He looked at me all confused . I was saved by a child needing a potty break .
Family is harder to skip out on than friends... in the long run they'll always be there and dealing with them now with your detached/friendly demeanor might be perfect. Can you go just for a short time to be fun and friendly and then escape if you need to?
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I am a bad procrastinator when it comes to making decisions I don’t want to . H asked if I was going to holiday I just said I didn’t know yet . At this point he has caught on to my deer in head lights reaction .
All has been rather calm still . Got a few days booked up for GAL in upcoming weeks .
Well, I definitely don't think you need to rush into any decisions. He's the one that caused all of this and it would be nice if he worked on a solution!
Was it today you guys had the first MC appointment? Hoping that went/goes well and maybe this can be something you discuss with the therapist? Do you feel secure/far along enough in your R/piecing that you can tell him how you feel about it? Eventually, you'll need to be able to tell him this kind of stuff and he will need to take responsibility for his part in creating the situation, and help find a solution... not sure if you're there quite yet but feels like you are bearing the brunt of his decision to badmouth you to his friends/family, and he should really be the one to come up with a solution (which might be doing your own holiday this year!!)
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
MC was ok . Basic start of seeing where we go wrong . Explaining traits and what each other sees as a healthy M .
I spoke to H about why I am not comfortable going to family events yet or ever . It really is about my own well being . I do not want to surround myself with people who do not care for me and have some harsh opinions of me .
Working on just being able to open up but being accountable for my choices. He can go to enjoy time with friends or family but I do not need to . I also feel a bit of tough love is in need . He broke this he needs to mend it and work on me being made more comfortable or go alone .
He asked a few questions . Things were said to me when we first split about an older child I have from my first marriage . Mainly his sister said harsh and unkind things about him . He’s 15 and H had almost raised him with me . H was unaware that they were said to me up until yesterday.The things said about myself I can let go but not a child . H suggested I call and hash it out nicely with them . That is not me nor will it ever be . The line was clearly drawn by them when they all thought he was SO right for getting up and leaving . Now I just won’t even address them . I’m not mad or angry. Let’s just say completely detached
