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Originally Posted by DnJ
Good Morning Can

Good for you answering step-MIL about H and upcoming Turkey Day.


In my case XW spilled her guts at the Turkey Day Diner Table, right after the meal, in front of me, kids, and parents. She then threw us all away and moved out with her boyfriend. Nice and quick, 3 hours from start to finish. What a night.

For my situation, everyone knew. And that was so very helpful. I am an open honest guy. If this had just been delivered to me, and I was attempting to keep it contained to just a few people or none - I’d have gone crazy.

There is validity in not spreading things far and wide. Paving the way home, not placing boulders in the MLCer’s path (they will do plenty of damage on their own, and LBS doesn’t need to add to it), and acting as if.


Do not be afraid to do what is right for you.

However, this situation you find yourself in is highly counterintuitive. Your intuition regarding H is not very helpful - H is behaving like a different person, and you intuitively “feel” him as the same. Our deep beliefs of our loving partner, beliefs that have been built upon years of behaviour, both our’s and their’s, are at this moment (and going to be for some time) not valid.

We need time to realize what has happened. Time to accept what has happened. Time to do the inner work, make choices of better not bitter, modify our beliefs and intuition.

During this time, the LBS must rely on their logic and reason, more than their intuition.

The itinerary booked by FIL is for you, D3, and H. Where are you all leaving from? Not an actual answer please - anonymous and all - I mean are you all leaving from home? The same city?

You don’t have to play dumb with FIL, or step-MIL, or anyone. Especially yourself. You are listening and modifying yourself with what you do and say.

Choices.

Do you want to go to FIL’s, to H’s Dad’s, for Turkey Day?

I am guessing you would like to go, but would like to know what the h is H doing.

For right now, today, if your ok with the upcoming visit - stay the course. Go with the flow, and keep expectations to zero

DnJ



Hi DnJ. Thank you for this reply. I'm doing this trip more for D3, so she can see family. I do enjoy the visits, don't get me wrong, we've done these visits plenty of times just D3 and I. Feel very comfortable with all my in-laws. Tickets are booked for all three of us (myself, D3&H) leaving the same airport at the same time, round trip. We all have the same itinerary.

Me saying I'm "playing dumb", is just a saying. I'm going with the flow 'as if' I don't know H is on the ticket. I literally glanced at the dates and times and that was it. I was scroll quickly and bypassed his details as they are listed last after D3.

Yes, more will definitely be revealed this Turkey Trip. H should be the one to answer their questions. IF I have to say something, I believe in saying this:

"We're going through a rough patch. I'd rather not go into detail. I'm concerned about H, I love him, and respect that he needs space and with that, I hope he figure things out".

"I don't know how to explain things. Maybe that's something he can answer best".

Wash, rinse, repeat.

I DO love this man. I believe in working through this, but I'm not forcing anything on him. That's wrong. In the beginning, the few conversations we've had post BD, before he went to sea/work, he said, "why are you being so nice to me?" He opened up about things, his past, us. I felt like I was a counselor for him. We lost our selves, in my eyes, as new parents. My role was and is parent 24/7. He is the provider. I feel I didn't get as much support/help from as I would have like with D3. Then I just stopped asking for help. I was a mom first, wife second. I'm finally going more for myself this year, before BD. I did loose my sex drive a tiny bit, but it wasn't gone. I still have feelings for him, but NOT when he says or does stupid things.

I'm blah blahing. I believe we have a chance if he chooses to try. I'm all in. I just want both of us to be happy. We make our own choices.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
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Journal~ Nothing new. 2 more weeks until Turkey Trip. Finding that I have to remind myself, more and more, to focus on myself and D3.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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Good Morning Can

I empathize with your having to remind yourself more often to focus on you and D3. Special events like Thanksgiving and Christmas, especially the first one after BD, do stir up feelings and longings within a person. It’s good to focus on you and it’s good and necessary to find safe times to allow yourself to feel and acknowledge your emotions too; not to get lost in them however.

Find time in your day, when daughter is asleep, no work, etc... and allow yourself to feel. Just for a bit. Usually the LBS has anger they working through and a safe release is a good idea. However, any pent up emotions will spill out eventually. Smaller healthy acknowledgements are more desired than major floods of emotions; those do happen too by the way. And after you will feel better.

I like your answers to possible upcoming question. That is a good approach and mindset to have with his family.

Hang in there you are doing good. Keep your focus, it’s does get easier.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Definitely gets easier Can

Holidays are tough, but I think you are in a good place

and moving toward acceptance
You will get clues and hints as time goes on
Your H may be a very different man by the next time you see him, so keep your expectations at zero


In this space focus on healing and creating a new and better you and life with your child
practicing the mindsets of trust , faith and willingness to accept whatever will be is important
Knowing that YOU and you D will be ok no matter what


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Journal~ Today marks the 7th anniversary of a few things, one being my marriage. D3 and I did some volunteer work with friends, went to at a few places, shopping, treats, (bought myself flowers; never need a special occasion to do that..lol.. ), we washed the car together and are wrapping up the night with pizza & a movie. All good. It's not the first time without H, but it's the first time after BD, and it's a little sad. Kind of feels like he's gone. Mourning. My mother passed 7 years ago, before we got married. This sitch is right up there with her being gone. It gets easier, but always hurts. Eventually not as much.

Yesterday H brother/ my BIL text me, and ask when H was coming home; he hadn't heard from him in awhile. I replied, "keep trying..." gave BIL another option for contacting H, asked if everything was okay. BIL said he was just missing his big brother. I hope BIL keeps trying. He was with us last year for almost a month around this time of year, and totally recognized H wasn't himself. BIL & I talked about it and I asked BIL to talk to him. He did. I'm guessing H left out a few details. Who knows.

Another mutual friend that was passing through inquired about the return of H. "Haven't heard anything yet; lots of overtime is great actually. We've got bills to pay!." I try to laugh it off, and really I'm okay, as long as I know he's still working. And as far as I can tell from my sources, that are in plain sight, he's still at sea/work.

So, we're okay this week. Hope everyone else out there is doing okay. My reality has yet to really hit. I've got to get mentally prepared for our Turkey Trip to the in-laws. I still have no idea if H knows his dad bought him a ticket for Turkey Trip. Only time will tell.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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StepMIL text again. Asked about H again. Before I read her text, I wrote out what I could say. I didn't say anything except "no I haven't heard anything new". I'm crying as I type this. Anxiety. My hearts racing. Reality is closing in. I'm not ready for this. I have to answer with something at some point.

My rehearsed reply (before we travel) is to text: "Going through some things, don't want to get into it at the moment"

Do I add H to the reply? "We're going through some things... " I'd rather not discuss it. And keep replying I don't want to talk about it/H (until I want to). I'd be as polite as possible of course.

Or is it so terribly wrong to text H and politely urge him to contact his father? Take some of this unwanted pressure off of me. Why do I have to answer for him? I DON' T KNOW ANYTHING.

I don't know anything. We're going through some things, and I don’t have any answers.

Thoughts?

Wish H would just buck up and speak! You're unhappy, you need to figure things out. Pass the gravy please!

Feeling better. Glad I can laugh a little in times that challenge me.

Time for an ice pack. My eyes need it!

Keep on keeping on everybody.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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what did your H say to his family?last

when was the last time he contacted them
when was the last time he contacted you?

Can you have direct communication with your H and ask him what he wants his family to know?


I think the truth is a good place to start
I sense you are holding a heavy burden by covering this up and all your energy is going to that instead of grieving and healing
therapy and growth to let him go

Nothing you say or do or dont say or do will change this

If the "cat" gets out of the bag, you may be able to move forward feeling better

Talk with a db coach and see if you can get some guidence and support

This is just my opinion..go within to seek what feels best for you and follow that
I know its hard
we are here for you-


married 14 years
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M ow D ow
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I am truly sorry that you are having a difficult time keeping people at bay w/the many questions that they have. I would suggest that you send your h a text message/email and advise him that people are inquiring about him, i.e., especially his immediate family. Suggest that he might want to contact them directly and answer their questions or if he doesn't wish to do that, then advise you as to what you need to say to them.

If he doesn't respond within a reasonable time period, then the next time you are asked about him, just be honest and say "I don't know. I haven't heard from him". That is the truth and you do not owe them any other explanations, If you wish to say something more at Thanksgiving, then do it in person, but really, you don't know what is going on and you do not know where he is and that is all they really need to know.

I hope that today is a better day for you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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CanBird Offline OP
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Originally Posted by peacetoday
what did your H say to his family?last

when was the last time he contacted them
when was the last time he contacted you?

Can you have direct communication with your H and ask him what he wants his family to know?


I think the truth is a good place to start
I sense you are holding a heavy burden by covering this up and all your energy is going to that instead of grieving and healing
therapy and growth to let him go

Nothing you say or do or dont say or do will change this

If the "cat" gets out of the bag, you may be able to move forward feeling better

Talk with a db coach and see if you can get some guidence and support

This is just my opinion..go within to seek what feels best for you and follow that
I know its hard
we are here for you-






I have no idea what H has said to his family.
I have no idea when H has contact his family last. They say it's been a while or long time.

H contacted me June 3 via text, then talked (2nd bd. I don’t want to be married. I don't want to come home. The rest is a blur. Horrible connection. I Asked questions. Said the wrong things. Quickly stopped myself and listened, but connection was horrible. (So frustrating). I texted him after and said this was a difficult time for us...our business...not involve anyone else say anything....he agreed, said thank you & sorry.

July & Sept: I contacted H (emergency and huge home repair) he replied back.

I have a way to directly contact H. I can see his online status, also by date & time.

I think it's time to ask him for his input. As suggested, "What do you want your family to know". I agree that Nothing I say or do or dont say or do will change this ... saying nothing or saying something doesn't change anything. I'm going to go for it. This is a huge burden on me.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 715
C
CanBird Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
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Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 715
Originally Posted by peacetoday
what did your H say to his family?last

when was the last time he contacted them
when was the last time he contacted you?

Can you have direct communication with your H and ask him what he wants his family to know?


I think the truth is a good place to start
I sense you are holding a heavy burden by covering this up and all your energy is going to that instead of grieving and healing
therapy and growth to let him go

Nothing you say or do or dont say or do will change this

If the "cat" gets out of the bag, you may be able to move forward feeling better

Talk with a db coach and see if you can get some guidence and support

This is just my opinion..go within to seek what feels best for you and follow that
I know its hard
we are here for you-






I have no idea what H has said to his family.
I have no idea when H has contact his family last. They say it's been a while or long time.

H contacted me June 3 via text, then talked (2nd bd. I don’t want to be married. I don't want to come home. The rest is a blur. Horrible connection. I Asked questions. Said the wrong things. Quickly stopped myself and listened, but connection was horrible. (So frustrating). I texted him after and said this was a difficult time for us...our business...not involve anyone else say anything....he agreed, said thank you & sorry.

July & Sept: I contacted H (emergency and huge home repair) he replied back.

I have a way to directly contact H. I can see his online status, also by date & time.

I think it's time to ask him for his input. As suggested, "What do you want your family to know". I agree that Nothing I say or do or dont say or do will change this ... saying nothing or saying something doesn't change anything. I'm going to go for it. This is a huge burden on me.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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