Hi everyone, been lurking for a few weeks now and I have to say this forum has been the source of great comfort for me. My wife dropped the bomb on me 6 weeks ago. My initial reaction was to detach from her but after a couple of days my emotions got the best of me and rationalizing and pleading occurred for 3 days. With the help of this forum I have managed to detach pretty well, and she seems to be in full blown replay mode. She still exhibits some anger towards me although frequency is much less. She is making much more small talk with me as I get better at detachment, and occasionally I see some signs of depression. So that's my intro and where I am at.
I have a question I hope I can get some feedback and let me just say I am committed to being her lighthouse.
1. My spouse has removed her wedding ring, thoughts and experiences on whether I should remove mine? The last thing I want to do is set her back, but at some point my physical needs will have to be met and having a wedding ring on will not help. I hope this question doesn't sound petty or make me seem shallow but if I don't engage in casual sex from time to time I'm sure I will not be able to be there for her as long. Thank you for listening. Oh let me just say we are still living under the same roof and she considers us temporarily separated free to do as we wish.
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I am posting Cadet's Welcome Thread. Please read all of the links and visit threads created by others as you will find plenty of wonderful advice, etc.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-65, D32,S31
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Remo. Welcome. I've read your post twice; what is the 'bomb' W dropped? What did she say or do specifically? Did something happen, an event, a change in life, that that may have triggered her to react a certain way? (kids? family members? career? ) Is it possible she is just burnt out?
Regarding rings, that's a personal choice I'd say. I still wear my band & my engagement ring occasionally. I wear them no differently I guess. (My H took his off before bd, said "it was too tight, bothered him". He would always wear it when we went out, then I'd remind him if he forgot. Then I stopped reminding him, as I thought he knews or should know, & I had expressed my disappointment when he didn't wear it). Sorry to blah blah on.... personal choice.
As for sex? You don’t have to have casual sex as your first choice. Right? Take care of yourself, by yourself. That's my opinion. Do you have an open marriage where under 'normal' circumstances this would be okay? Think about your actions and consequences. Just my opinion.
Off topic: location/ time of year ? How were things last year? (Ontario Canada or other?)
Keep posting .
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Ps- I read your post a 3rd time, but couldn't edit as it timed out.
As you stated, you want to be her Lighthouse. And she sees you as separated, free to do your own thing. (Your W is under the same roof, but out of your room). Well, again, in my opinion, if you're wanting to be her Lighthouse, I'd keep the ring on to show her that you are there for her; it's a symbol. And again, in my opinion, take care of your own sexual needs. You don’t need to complicate the situation by turning the lights off in the lighthouse. Even if she says, do as you like, sounds like she's giving herself permission to step away from the Lighthouse and get in the water. You following me? What have you done for yourself to be the best version of you? Concentrate on that. Being physical, working out, will help release some tension. And, you can still be the Lighthouse. Stay on track.
The night my H did his BD, I took my band off, when he wasn't looking. We had sex that night, in the morning he said, "I don't want to lose you". I had him put my band back on my finger, as a symbol. Later that night he said, I haven't changed how I feel (unhappy)... more bombs basically. But I kept my ring on because I have chosen to stand up to this "challenge" in my life. I want to be his Lighthouse. He knows where I stand.
Keep posting.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Thank you for the replies so far. Over the last year. Endlessly picking fights with me and blame for everything,excessively working out, fretting over her appearance (even half sarcastically talking boob job) new group of friends, out dancing least twice a week, listening to new current music, talking about getting a cool car, saying I kept her down, saying the freedom she has now had to be taken from me, responsibilities to the kids is adequate but no where close what it used to be, new wardrobe, leave behind old friends, despising younger women for their looks.
When she dropped the bomb she said she needed space for personal growth. Later she injected that as far as she is concerned we are temporally separated and any going ons at this point is not cheating. She said things like her sh.t cup is full and she is tired of taking care of everyone, it's her time for fun and does not feel guilty for being completely selfish. She said she has the right to not want the life she has anymore and she is going to change it. During the bomb drop she baited me with hurtful words trying to get the whole thing to blow up. She also said "a year or two ago I was her for choice for everything in her life, now she could care less" . Also she stated she may regret her decision, and in five years come back to me but understands that the door may have closed and is O.K. with that. We did not have an open relationship and before this we were in deeply in love.
I think her 40th bday may have been a switch, she started working out shortly after, during that time I did notice some moodiness and some lashing out at me. All of our discussions are centered around her and no effort to find anything out about me. I am in Ontario Canada btw.
Yeah I think the ring will stay on. As far as the sex goes I am nowhere ready to engage in that however if this process can take years to play out at some point I may have had enough, and I'm sure my I will reach that point sooner if I remain celibate. Of course having sex with another women may lead to heavy guilt on me and may doom the marriage.
As far as taking care of myself I have joined a gym and started dance lessons. I'm pretty well centered at this point and detached and have been perfectly civil with her during this process. Last couple of days it would seem my old wife is back, she initiates conversation, laughs at my jokes that I make to the kids and such. I do understand that this good behavior means nothing though.
Once again thank you for sharing your deeply personal experiences with me, it means a lot. Apologies for grammar and punctuation as I am typing this on my phone so wife won't accidentally see.
Last edited by job; 11/18/1902:06 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
Wow. Sounds like she's really going through something. I'm no expert, just here to support others and give my opinion on things. But yeah, it sure sounds like a MLC. Needed time for personal growth, rings are off and she's magically separated temporarily. Free to do as WE wish/ any going ons at this point is not cheating. Sounds like she's trying to turn back time too. (Out with the old, in with the new). A few questions: Where did she make these new friends? How do you react to her going out? What's that like? What does she do for work? Do you suspect any cheating? What are the sleeping arrangements (under the same roof)? And just curious, how was your Thanksgiving? (Oct.14)
Here's my take. She tired of taking care of everyone, wants freedom/space for personal growth . She's getting out there and doing her thing/having her fun. You've taken steps in the right direction and are also getting out there too, taking care of yourself. Keep doing what you're doing. And be the best dadyou can be.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Sorry she's going through this like she is. Don't take the bait of anything goes is okay. Are you okay with it? IMO, don't complicate things by cheating. It's cheating. Take things day by day, not looking too far ahead. If you have to take things into your own hands, do that. I'm being literal. No shame; it's natural and no one gets hurt.
Keep posting and be good to yourself
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Sounds like your W is going through some tough stuff and you're bearing the brunt of this. Sorry to hear about the ups and downs; must be very tiring emotionally.
I would keep the civility consistent, and it's good that you're out GALing like gym and dance lessons. Just look after yourself and don't take any bait. One of the points in the welcome post is "don't believe everything they say or do."
Ring-or-no-ring is a tricky one. For me, I have kept my ring on in the usual spot, even though my D is going to be finalised in the next 2 months or so. My W would always forget to wear hers (which upset me but I never brought it up), and certainly hasn't worn them for the last 6 months. I did try not wearing it but it didn't feel right. I've just kept it on for now, but not sure what I'll do in 2 months' time, whether I'll move it to my right hand or not wear it at all. I don't really want to get rid of it or sell it though.
Post regularly and everyone here will help where they can.
Me - 36, W - 32 No kids T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr Discovery - 14 May 2019 S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019 D & House sale final - Feb 2020
