Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
I am sorry G you are struggling, I understand how this is a tough time of the year. Didn’t you say in an earlier post that M had found the love of his life?????? If so, seems pretty quick. Do you think there was someone else in the picture when he ended it with you?


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Ginger1 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
Thanks for the hugs. The holidays are notoriously rough for me. And last year I saw a turn around and this year, I’m back where I began.

I’m so grateful for everything I do have. A healthy beautiful child, a career, a roof over my head.... but my heart is sad o never got the whole “family” experience and I’ve been alone pretty much my whole life. And I do have happiness and joy in it that i create. But am often envious of those with husbands, big families, mom’s, nieces and nephews, etc. but I will make a more concentrated effort to be grateful for what I do have.

J- I know nothing of M’s relationship status. I was just saying that would probably happen some day. I literally have no idea of how he isnor what’s going on. Only that he is still out of his home. And I know this from doing a drive by because my curiosity of what condition the house in got me and I was close to his home. Dating while living in his cousins house with his mom after his house burnt down either makes for a really good sob story to get chicks, or is a real big red flag.

My hope for him is that he woke up a bit. I hope he quit smoking cigarettes. I hope he has cut back on the pot usage. I hope he is taking some time to really deal with the feelings of how he felt about losing his wife. I hope this didn’t impact anything with his son and custody. I think about that kid every day and sometimes it’s so painful I block it out. I’ve got a soft spot for kids. Especially him.

Tonight I’m going to try to keep myself busy with some house projects. My house is shaping up nicely and is looking good. Feels like home. But I refuse to just sit on the couch and watch TV because it’s getting super boring.

I can get through this, for sure

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
I'm sorry G. I hate that holidays are hard for you and you feel so lonely. This is another of those times that I wish you lived closer to me because my family would totally take you in as one of their own, as they have done with many of my friends and my siblings' friends over the years. I can't imagine how difficult it is, but I'll say an extra prayer for you through the holiday season and hope that you can find things to do and maybe not feel quite so alone.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Ginger1 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
You are so sweet. Thank you. The holidays stink. I got one Christmas together with my ex since she was a few months old. Everyone has been split ever since. I’ve woken up up on Christmas morning all alone. When I worked nights, if I didn’t have D, I worked so I didn’t have to face Christmas morning with out her. I did everything to avoid the pain. Last year, even though I had work in the morning, I got to wake up on Christmas morning in the arms of the guy I loved. And that Christmas Eve, was when I knew I loved him.
Stupid me.

Tonight is beer and French fry in my pajamas night. I know how to make for a wild Friday night! I kind of quit beer and French fries, but screw it. It’s what I want

Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
There’s a Hawaiian word:
Ohana is a Hawaiian word which refers to a person's extended family, which can include friends and other important social groups.

You don’t have to have biological family to have your Ohana. The best Thanksgiving I ever had was in college when a bunch of us were without family for one reason or another and had an “orphans” Thanksgiving.

A man I knew was a lifelong bachelor and had a troubled relationship with his own family. He threw a big party every Christmas Day night and called it “The Losers Christmas”. It was swarmed with friends, people who didn’t have family near or whose kids were grown and gone or in my case, on years when it was my ex’s turn to have the kids on Christmas. It was SUCH a fun party and he was much loved in his community. He may have been single but he was rich in friends.

Instead of waiting for a love interest to supply that extended family, how about working on building your own Ohana? You need more single friends (and married friends willing to include you) and need to build up those friendships. I’ve known women who formed Bunco groups (not my thing but works for them). I’ve long wanted to start a monthly salon (food and intellectual debate? Yes!). My mom had a book club. However you start, you need to begin building that Ohana around you (I know you have a lot of married friends but it’s just not enough right now, is it?)

Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Ginger1 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
That is a very good suggestion, however, I’ve got some good framily. But at the end of the day, I don’t feel like moseying on in to someone else’s family. My circle is small, but tight. But at the end of the day, they are their own family.

Sometimes I simply feel like I don’t truly belong anywhere. I’m always an “extra” and last year I didn’t feel like an extra. And I did love the guy I was with along with his family. It felt really good. But anywhere else, I do just feel like an extra.

I’ve spent this weekend alone. I went to the gym, then I went shopping. I kept coming up with every excuse not to go to that coffee house and see the band. But I showered, dressed nice, did my hair, and I got there before and the crowd was the bands elderly friends. I felt so out of place, I left before they started. Hey, at least I tried. I wish I was out for a nice dinner with a date. I miss that. Instead, I came home, put my PJ’s on and cracked open a bottle wine and watched medical shows.

I’ve already been up this morning at 6am ( thanks to my dog of course) and I’ve hung a shelf, did dishes, bleached the sink, and organized. Might do a yoga class today. Bought a leg of lamb for myself for dinner tonight . I guess soon I’ll be working instead so it will keep my occupied.

Not the life I wanted. But the life I have. I’ve tried so hard to make it what I want to be, but that isn’t quite working out. So I’m just going to go along with what it is and learn to enjoy it and not hate it.

Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
G,

I have a totally different prospective on where you are at right now. I think you are way ahead of the game and as long as you remain patient and don't settle you will eventually reap the rewards.

I was out last night with 4 couples between the ages of 45-50 and they are all miserable. The way they talk to each other and complain about each other is painful to be around sometimes. For the last couple years I have been the odd man out and at first it was tough but now I embrace it. I also embrace being single because I never know when it's gonna end and I may never be single again.

When you find someone worthy of you and YOU WILL all the couples you know now will be envious of you because their relationships will be deteriorating while yours will be just beginning.

Patience is the key.

BTW good for you trying that bar by yourself. That is definitely not easy.

Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,265
Likes: 58
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,265
Likes: 58
Glad to see you went to the gym G. Also glad to see you pushed yourself to go see that band. But what’s this cracked open a bottle of wine stuff? That was supposed to have stopped and almost sounds like self medicating. If I had to go with my gut I’ll bet you were browsing OLD too - be honest!

I know it’s a rough patch but you seem like you are caught in the same cycle of doing the same things again. I fear a touch of depression may be setting in. KML gave what I think I are good suggestions - finding new people, single friends to do things with. But you find why it won’t work rather than why it will. Sitting home with a bottle of wine is not the answer and will further the cycle of not liking what you see in the mirror.

You seem stuck in a loop here and I so wish we could pull you out if it. You are so focused on the end goal of getting the family you feel was robbed from you that other life experience is getting passed by. In the end it will only loop you into a real depression. Please don’t allow that to happen. You are to good for this. You've got to GAL and live that best life. That is the best way of finding what you want as a quality guy will see this and want to be part of it. Wine and Bumble is not the answer.

Most I wish I could give you a huge hug grab your hand and pull you out if this. I know it’s going to get better in a few days as nature runs it’s course but that will only ease it. Don’t isolate yourself. Look for opportunities to change things up and TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT. you can’t keep doing the same thing and expect different results.

I hope you read receive this with the compassion that is intended. This is nit going to be your life so don’t let it be.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Ginger1 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
Well there goes my post that got lost.

LH, I know couples who have been through heL and came out the other end happier. I know some that are miserable. I know others that struggle, but at the end of the day, they honor their commitments. They chose each other every day even if they don’t feel like it, lol. This may sound strange, but I’m jealous of the couples who may be divorced, but at one point had a happy marriage. I didn’t. My R was maybe 9 years. Barely 4 of that was marriage. Most of it stunk. And when we finally had our hard fought for daughter, he left me for another woman. And is still with her. And I have it in my face every day of my life. And I could smack everyone who told me “don’t worry, you’ll young, you’ll find a great guy, you’ll remarry, have more kids and be a family” because that never happened. But everyone was so so sure of it.

One thing for sure is, I’ll never ever be in an R again where I am I am not valued. I would much rather be alone. Even though I’m miserable, I will never degrade myself again just to not be alone. I look back on most of my R’s and cringe. I’ll never put myself there agigain.

Don:

1) no online dating at all. No apps, no looking, no nothing.

2) I only had one glass of wine, I’ve drastically cut down on my drinking.

3) it’s not a touch of depression. I am deep in a depression. 12 years and this is my worst season yet. Coming off of a great last holiday season full of hope and love, I am surely at my lowest right now. I am swirling in my depression.

Good news? I am very high functioning. Even though every day things take a little more effort, I function well. Everything gets done, I go to work, I am still exercising. But my heart hurts and I feel completely stuck. I feel hopeless and feel like I can’t get out of this now. But I know me, and I know I will get out of it.

I don’t wish this feeling in anyone’s it’s awful. But I can conquer it. I might up the exercise, because it helps. I found a new little hobby. I am trying. I’m really really trying .

Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
You need single friends to do stuff with. And vitamin D and a light box to fight your seasonal depression.

Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard