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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Quote
Women fall in love in a man's presence, men tend to realize they are in love in a woman's absence. And sometimes all he needs is a little time to make that realization
You might think about how this applies in your sitch.



It is such a brain twister to think about this in my sitch. I have thought about this and many other similar topics throughout the last year. Although we are both women, ww is far more masculine than I am. I tease her that she is a metrosexual lesbian because she cares more about fashion that I do though! It is an interesting dynamic because she likes to have a more "dominant" role. She opens doors, pulls my chair out, her arm around me and not vice versa, etc. In private, however, she is sooo much more of a girly girl. She likes to be pampered. We'll just say she is the little spoon. These interesting dynamics offer up much confusion when thinking about the man/woman perspective. Is she the type to fall in love in my presence, or the type to need time and space for realization?

I don't think there is a clear answer here and, truthfully, I am trying to change my thinking about how any actions I take influence her thoughts or feelings. I am, however, also trying to become the diamond. Whether or not we move into a place of reconciliation, I want to be the shinny rock. I read this quote and it made me happy so I will share it with all of you:

"YOU, queen, are a fantastic, sexy, intelligent, unique, rock star and anyone that has the privilege of being around you is a lucky b*tch."

I think more of us need to empower one another.

On your topic of attraction v seduction I am still trying to figure out methods of seduction. Again, not with my WW in mind, but just as a new skill for my own arsenal.

Kristin


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Originally Posted by KristinG
"YOU, QueenAdventurer, are a fantastic, sexy, intelligent, unique, rock star and anyone that has the privilege of being around you is a lucky b*tch."

I think more of us need to empower one another.

Yes, to realize an "empowered" us is now who we could become, but who we already are!

Last edited by CWarrior; 11/14/19 07:08 PM.
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Haha CW "Adventurer" works great in your sitch as I know how much you love a good adventure!


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Hi Kristin,

Great to hear you are doing so well... you ARE amazing and doing incredibly difficult work on yourself. I think it is terrific that you're thinking more about how your actions are for YOU and not to influence her thoughts or feelings.

I definitely feel like this middle ground situation is especially difficult to navigate (and on these boards, where it feels like the LRT and going NC is the primary means of success)-- it isn't like she's an angry stranger asking for a D, but is clearly extremely conflicted and still very much connected to you. I'm sure it is true that going NC would make her miss you, and maybe that is the only way for her to truly understand what it would mean to lose you. On the other hand, if you aren't in a place where you can do that and feel OK about it with yourself, then maybe it isn't the right move at this time.


Me (46) H (42)
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Yeah May - that's the thing. She's not acting like an angry stranger asking for a D. Maybe all WS do this at some point. Lately I've been struggling with deciphering whether she is just keeping me as a solid plan B, or whether her heart is fractured and she doesn't know how to rebuild. I know I'm not in a place to go NC or LRT. I do think I would be there if she were acting like a !@(#*&. Anyway, because I have no answers to this internal battle, I am focusing on what I DO know. And that is that my choices are my own, I control my own happiness, and I am extremely blessed to have everything in my life.

In other news. I am getting a hotel in the big city this weekend and visiting with my best friend that I haven't seen in 2 years! I live in a more rural setting about an hour away and she lives in another state. She knows everything about my sitch and is determined for me to get out there and get my "groove" back. I'm nervous and excited. I told her I'm definitely not ready or looking for anything with anyone else - but it would be super nice to be hit on (it feels like it's been forever)!!! Wish me luck. Also, wish me a sound mind so I don't do anything stupid that I know I would regret later! Eeek!


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Originally Posted by KristinG
I am getting a hotel in the big city this weekend and visiting with my best friend that I haven't seen in 2 years! I live in a more rural setting about an hour away and she lives in another state. She knows everything about my sitch and is determined for me to get out there and get my "groove" back. I'm nervous and excited. I told her I'm definitely not ready or looking for anything with anyone else - but it would be super nice to be hit on (it feels like it's been forever)!!! Wish me luck. Also, wish me a sound mind so I don't do anything stupid that I know I would regret later! Eeek!

Yay Kristin, that is AWESOME!! I'm so excited for you-- sounds like exactly what you need. Have fun!! smile

Originally Posted by KristinG
Lately I've been struggling with deciphering whether she is just keeping me as a solid plan B, or whether her heart is fractured and she doesn't know how to rebuild.

Even though people talk a lot here about cake-eating and Plan Bs, my guess is that most WSs aren't diabolically evil plotters thinking through their sitchs logically and thinking "oh! I'll drop a crumb here to keep my LBS on the hook as plan B!" or whatever. They're totally confused/scared and trying to make sense of their own crazy emotions and both the tug of the fun/new/exciting life/love affair AND the very real solid anchors of the life and love they have built with you. I think this is why they say here to believe nothing of what they say and only half of what they do... not because they're purposefully lying, but because they truly do not know themselves what they want. and anything they perceive to be pressure or pursuit just pushes them away further.

Have you watched Esther Perel's TED talks? If not, I highly recommend. She talks about the tension between love and desire, and has a really interesting perspective.

Anyway... most importantly, have an amazing weekend!! I'll be thinking of you having a blast with your BFF and getting hit on left and right!! smile


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How was your weekend?? smile


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Originally Posted by may22

...
Originally Posted by KristinG
Lately I've been struggling with deciphering whether she is just keeping me as a solid plan B, or whether her heart is fractured and she doesn't know how to rebuild.

Even though people talk a lot here about cake-eating and Plan Bs, my guess is that most WSs aren't diabolically evil plotters thinking through their sitchs logically and thinking "oh! I'll drop a crumb here to keep my LBS on the hook as plan B!" or whatever. They're totally confused/scared and trying to make sense of their own crazy emotions and both the tug of the fun/new/exciting life/love affair AND the very real solid anchors of the life and love they have built with you. I think this is why they say here to believe nothing of what they say and only half of what they do... not because they're purposefully lying, but because they truly do not know themselves what they want. and anything they perceive to be pressure or pursuit just pushes them away further.
...


@May -

Do we know if they are confused? I really want to believe you because that will make me less angry. But the lies just seem manipulative, either compulsive or calculated - not sure if those are mutually exclusive.

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Gosh I'm starting to feel so old. So the big weekend with GAL and the trip out of town was a blast. Well, other than the massive hangover yesterday. Spent some time with the family and then met up with my friend. We were planning on going out on the town and living it up. However, we have come to realize that we are lazy and much prefer sipping wine on a comfy couch and chatting into the early hours of the morning. It was so good to catch up and really just get to spend some time face to face instead of 4 states apart on the phone. Sorry to break it to you May, no getting hit on for me this past weekend - and I was A OK with that. Plus, I am afraid that any attention thrown my way might have escalated into something that I would regret later (a kiss.. get your minds out of the gutter!) . WW has been distant all weekend, but no big surprise there. I'm fairly certain that she and AP are hanging out again. Alas, I am continuing on the journey alone. Hope everyone had a great weekend.

Kristin


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Originally Posted by LovingIt
@May -

Do we know if they are confused? I really want to believe you because that will make me less angry. But the lies just seem manipulative, either compulsive or calculated - not sure if those are mutually exclusive.

Hi LovingIt,
Good question... and I think there ARE cases where the WS is really a narcissist/sociopath at heart and IS a evil, lying manipulator. My good friend's XH is that way... but the truth is we all kind of knew it from the beginning and none of us were surprised when he left her and showed his true colors.

But for the regular, run-of-the-mill WSs-- I have read and listened quite a bit, and even on these boards when you read from the perspective of the WS, I think that many of them really are confused and grappling with how to deal with their feelings without hurting their LBS more than necessary-- I think a lot of the lying stems from that place. We all married these folks and in general WERE madly in love with each other, and we chose them for a reason... I just find it hard to believe that they have all been abducted by aliens and have turned into evil liars. I think it is probably more likely that they're hurting and confused, making TERRIBLE choices, but at the heart of it they're screwed up and trying to figure their way out of this whole mess. Shirley Glass's book Not Just Friends and MWD's Healing From Infidelity both put you in the shoes of the WS to some degree, and I'm now reading Esther Perel's State of Affairs which does the same.

For me, it is easier to be angry and more complicated to deal with still caring about my H and understanding that he's going through something really difficult, perhaps in many ways just as difficult as what I'm going through, and knowing that I bear some (not all) of the burden for getting us to where we are right now. I definitely know he's hurting and confused from our conversations, and that the lying stemmed from not wanting to hurt me, and also not wanting to let go of the possibility of the AP and what she represented (new chance for real happiness, etc etc.) The sense of guilt and being a bad person also adds to this, and then they start needing to believe that they never really loved you or whatever to assuage that guilt...justifying the lies, but also not really dealing with the core of their own issues.

My sense is that Kristin's WS is truly torn and incredibly confused-- otherwise, it would be easy just to walk away and finish what she started with the S and the OW. Just my two cents though, and not sure this rambling made a whole lot of sense-- if so, my apologies!


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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