Slarty. I’m new at giving advice. So take this how you will.
Don’t drive stepson for thanksgiving. She has told you she doesn’t want you as a husband. With her actions and her words. This means you shouldn’t be doing husbandly favors for her
As for her going back and forth. She is an emotional train wreck. You can’t fix her. Only she can do that. My W still gets extremely stressed about the tiniest things. Like the dog being in the way of where she is walking. Please don’t read too much about her “not knowing what she wants”. I find it interesting that her next comment was about not making it financially. Remember believe nothing of what she says. She will say things that will string you along. It’s best to unplug from her mess. Focus on you.
I’m sure the vets will slap me and draw lines through my comments if I mis spoke. I’m sorry your here friend. Just know that you are in the company of people who truly care
Also I probably buried myself even more this morning before I read about validating her feelings a little more. I told her that if we are going to work on reconciliation she needs to stop her affair...
No more relationship talk. She's done, all the R talk is falling on deaf ears. Your demands mean nothing to her right now.
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...and I also told her I was sleeping in the MBR every night going forward.
I fully support you on this part. It will probably make her mad but the point is to start earning your respect back.
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I need to make her feel more comfortable rather than ramping up the pressure. Is their any suggestions as to what i should say to alleviate some of that pressure I put on her or should I just let it lie.
As Loving mentioned, you take the pressure off by not saying/doing anything. Leave her alone. She wants time and space, so that's exactly what you should give her. And not for a day or two, but for months and months. This is a marathon and you've got to treat it as such. No quick fixes here.
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After thinking about this and putting myself in her shoes her head is probably going to explode with all this feeling, emotion and additional pressure I added between last night and this mornings communication with her. I wish I was picking up on all this faster.
No one thing got you here, it was an accumulation of things over a long period of time. Likewise no one thing is going to fix it, or really make it much worse either. It's a pattern of consistent change stretching out over a long period of time you're working towards. So don't sweat these convos, they didn't help but probably didn't hurt much either. Adjust your actions and keep moving forward!
I am so glad I found this place. The support system here is tremendous and is giving me the confidence to continue fighting for my marriage. Providing me with the tools to do it the best way possible. The collective experience on these boards is immeasurable.
This is a rough first night taking back the MBR full time. Our daughter sleeps in there and my W is saying she can never sleep with our daughter again. That she is stuck on the uncomfortable couch. Her dog that sleeps in the bed wont stay on the couch so she doesnt have him either. I know that I have been told this is for the best especially with a WAW who is having a PA, but man. It doesnt feel right now like it is helping us at all. Especially with all my relationship talk yesterday and this morning piled on. She is going to have a complete meltdown with all this pressure. I feel like I am pushing her more in to the arms of the OM.
Hi Slarty (is that a Hitchiker's Guide reference?)
Sounds like a trying situation certainly. As has been said before, focus on your actions. No letters. Try not to bring up R talks all the time. Just DO stuff. And also once you've done it, don't announce it; let your spouse see that you've done it.
Me - 36, W - 32 No kids T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr Discovery - 14 May 2019 S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019 D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Hi Slarty (is that a Hitchiker's Guide reference?)
Sounds like a trying situation certainly. As has been said before, focus on your actions. No letters. Try not to bring up R talks all the time. Just DO stuff. And also once you've done it, don't announce it; let your spouse see that you've done it.
Yes it is a Hitchikers reference, haha. Thanks for the encouraging words.
So this morning the WAW asks if I was going oit all night tonight as Friday has been my day to go out and I had been spending it over at my brothers. After sleeping on the couch overnight she said she needed to get some sleep. I told her I was going out but not overnight. She said she is going to sleep in the bed anyway and that I had better not snore. This is the first time in over a year that we are sleeping in the same bed.
Second she asked if I was going to be gone all day Sunday. Again this is my other day to go out. I told her I would be gone for the afternoon and early evening. As suggested by fellow DBers I am not "playing her game" and spending overnights somewhere anymore. Just GAL during the afternoon amd early evenings on my days. I confirmed she would be home by 1pm on Sunday as Saturday night and Sunday mornings are her night to go out. Just so i knew when to make plans for Sunday. She said she wasnt sure if she was doing that or not. This was normally her night to go see her OM. I kept all responses short and simple.
I have been reading a lot about validating spouses feelings and this I see is where many of our issues arose in our marriage. We escalate conversations because we try to invalidate the other and "win". Rather than show empathy and understanding of where the other person is coming from. This is going to take the most practice for me. I am so used to doing the opposite that although I want to be saying the right things I have only been making things worse. I think I am going to do some practice with my brother. Having conversations and validating feelings in mock scenarios with him.
