MY bosses tend to be super moody. One is an actual witch. No lie. She goes to Salem every Halloween and dresses up like a witch and it is her holy holiday. And they pretend like it’s all about work life balance, yet we have unmanageable work loads and when we call out sick we get attitude . It’s nuts. But she definitely felt bad after offering me time off. Our weekends are understaffed as well. I do love dearly the woman who worked this weekend, she’s a sweetheart, but always with some personal issues that prevent work. The other one is fairly new, so I get it. But on mondays doing 3 days of work on every patient is nuts. And I was expected to stay until it was done.
I know it sounds a little crazy I’m excited about a hospice job..... but I miss direct patient care. And helping a patient have a pain free, peaceful death is an honor and privellage. Guiding families through that to make it as easy as possibilities is also an honor and privilege .
So, TMI, it turns out I had an infected internal stich from my surgery. I had to get it dug out and washed out and he gave me antibiotics. I get nervous because I have had MRSA before. This going on in the area it’s going on will certainly deter me from dating for a while until it’s all better. But seriously, I’m still super p!ssed at M. I know it’s u healthy, but I am. To have so much say in what was the right decision for “him” and “us” regarding my surgery when he supposedly “wasn’t sure what he wanted” upsets me a lot. You know, I think he was sure. But changed the story. But I’ll never truly know what happened. I’ve been going to bed insanely early because I’m bored and lonely at night. I’m not chatting with anyone, so adults here...... so I go to bed. I need a hobby I can have at home I guess. TV is getting boring. It’s just a lonely existence. I’m almost dreading this weekend because I’ve got no plans and it’s just me. 13 years is a looooooong time to live this way. But I’m going to one of my classes and and I’ll take a yoga class. I’m going to try to find some other interesting things to do. I was going to do one of those all day spa places, but I can’t with my stitches
I still know that I would rather continue on with this lonely existence than to feel undervalued. I am truly done with that. It just feels so awful to be with someone who doesn’t value you and doesn’t appreciate you at all. I’m done making excuses for anyone who is like that anymore. I never want to feel that way again. I’ll take lonely over that any day.
Thanks for listening to my rambling.
Last edited by job; 11/13/1903:15 PM. Reason: edited language
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I really appreciate the support. I’m truly having a rough time, but I staying strong.
Today I had a 95 year old patient who looked nothing like his age, he golfs, drives and is completely with it. We had a very nice conversation and he told me told me that I have a beautiful smile and demeanor and he really enjoyed talking with me. He even said, if he was only a few years younger he would definitely be interested, lol. It was a delight seeing such a great 95 year old with such a great spirit.
We had some craziness with my patients today. My 2 coworkers told me I am always so good under pressure and I always keep my composure and it’s impressive. That felt good to hear. To others, I am the most put together person who gets stuff handled. You wouldn’t know that I feel like I am falling apart sometimes. I can fool anyone, haha!
The ex’s wife came to pick up D12 today. She always comes in. The. She talks and talks and talks. Like we are besties or something. She was telling a story and she said “my husband” in the context of a conversation to another . It stung. I am forgiving, have no interest in that man whatsoever, but it still stings. Something about it felt disrespectful
My heart may hurt sometimes. But I can usually keep my head straight. Maybe it’s my superpower. I cry in private, then pick myself up and move on.
I even researched some things to do for myself this weekend. There is this coffee house that is having a blues guitarist Saturday night. I’m going to go! I love coffee and I love music, and it doesn’t feel too weird to do alone. Because I can’t sit on this couch at night alone. It’s tearing me up and making me have unhealthy thoughts. As in almost tricking my mind that I miss M so much and wish he would come back. But I don’t. And I don’t. It’s the isolation talking. So I’m just going to get myself out of the house and around people
Last edited by job; 11/14/1901:57 PM. Reason: edited a word for Ginger
Ginger - you have some great qualities - your ability to socialize, and connect with people and overall popularity. Everyone likes you. Even the OW!!!!!! Just stop and think about how much that says about you. You are so likeable even OW wants to be friends with you!!!!! I’m sure it’s what makes you a great nurse. And I think OW won’t be able to empathize until your ex does it to her. I think she just has no friggen clue.
Me and my best friend (who hasn’t had things easy) know this girl that life just works out great for her. 2 kids, and a House paid for by a husband with a easy job etc etc. she is the most annoying person ever. Really self absorbed, bossy, controlling and just has no ability to empathize. She’s just so obliviously demeaning and entitled. I wouldn’t want to have everything easy and be like her. Because she just [censored] as a person.
It kind of [censored]- but our tougher experiences are what makes us better people. I can see that in myself too. I was not handed everything and I connect better with my patients and have a better depth then I did when I was younger and just dumb. I’m embarrassed by how I was. But like who I am more.
I think maybe focus on what you like about yourself and not about what others have because that will attract things to you in a better way. Just be patient and know your value. It’s not wrong to want a relationship. Although it’s very “therapy” to say things like you have to be ok being alone first. Just keep yourself open to it and focus on the self care. And try again when your ready. Last guy was a huge shift for you. You rejected something that wasn’t good for you. I think the universe needed to see that first.
Juju, thank you so much for those compliments! My ex used to say “ everyone likes you” but not as a compliment. In a way he made me feel like I didn’t deserve to be liked. I’ve got to shake that. I have to embrace it as a good quality. It’s like my ex paved the way for all my feelings about myself. He doesn’t deserve that power.
I do need to focus on what I like about myself. And I like that I am friendly, can talk to people, can listen, understand, and I’m funny. The social worker I work with who got me in at this job gave me a big hug today and said “I’m so happy you are here! You are funny and sharp and bring something special to our department” That’s what I like about me.
And juju, thank you for pointing out what a big step rejecting what wasn’t good for me is. Because it is huge for me. And that is certainly where I felt more empowered and more in control and less willing to accept crumbs. It’s where I started seeing my worth for real.
And see, I have been ok with being alone first. I’ve been ok with it for many years. But it cycles around. When you become ok with it, you really want to share yourself with someone. If that makes sense. I’m full circle.
Sometimes I wonder if I had a big family and nieces and nephews and sisters and brothers if I would be less lonely. Maybe my loneliness isn’t only for a relationship. Sure, I miss like heck that special level of intimacy. But my loneliness is a little wider spectrum. I’ve got great friends. But they live farther apart and have their own families. I’m lonely for family. Truth be told, I miss M’s son, I miss his mom, his brother, and sister in law. I met them all for the first time last Christmas Eve and we just all clicked ( well, I didn’t meet his son at that time). It felt soooooo good. I miss that. I want that in my life. It’s not just the guy I want, but everything that comes with him. And I wish so hard he could have really cared about me and loved me like I thought he did at first. Because at that point, I did feel loved by him. He just became so selfish and in his selfishness wasn’t me that he wanted.
Anyways, I’m hanging in there. I’m depressed for sure. I’ve cried every day. But I’m still hanging on.
Reading this last paragraph about you feeling lonely due to lack of a larger family with nieces and nephews, I wonder if you aren’t getting to the root of a FOO issue? Keep exploring that.
You are doing so well Ginger!
And you ARE well liked! I want to join you for coffee this weekend! : )
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
{{{{{G}}}}} honey its a tough time of year; highlights what we don't have and brings it to the fore. I have no magic words of wisdom, no suggestions or solutions. just hugs. xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
