Girl - you might not like this but my advice is to file for divorce immediately.
You make a six figure salary and he’s in danger of becoming unemployed? If he loses his job before you’re divorced YOU could end up paying HIM spousal support.
I’d get the paperwork rolling ASAP to avoid that indignity. Divorce papers are just about the financial/business end of things. It’s not an obstacle to reconciliation in and of itself. Protect yourself financially.
Good advice but here in oz where scout and I come from divorce doesn’t instantly stop spousal maintenance claim. There’s a 12 month time limit after divorce becomes final to claim maintenance.
Divorce here too just means legal end of marriage. Property settlement is tied in but not tied to the divorce in itself. Ergo you can get divorced and not have done anything for your property settlement or maintenance
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Everyone’s situation is similar and yet unique. Events sometimes force certain actions to happen quicker for one while another can never experience it. Divorce for example.
My wife pushed for a separation and divorce right after BD. Others around here are years into their situations with no divorce settlements on the horizon.
Your situation, I do agree with kml.
The LBS walks a path towards healing and self happiness. Compassion, empathy, kindness, etc... all goals to strive for, choosing better not bitter.
The LBS also has the business side of things to contend with. Financial protection and security of themselves and their children. People in crisis do not make good parents, and do not make good decisions. The LBS, being the sane and stable of the two, needs to adjust to events as they unfold. The business side, the divorce, the financial separating, and even custody, is something one has to ensure they are cognizant of their choices and aware of their decisions and possible ramifications.
Speaking with a lawyer and seeing what you are facing and what you can do is a good start. Understanding the worst case and best case scenarios, what you can negotiate, what you can’t, etc... is all useful. Information and knowledge is power. And do not share with H, or tell him you are seeing a L, he will use it against you.
This is only gathering information. With it you can make an informed decision. And in your situation, events may unravel quicker than you want, or quicker than normal (if there is such a thing), and you will be, and want to be, ready to act.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
here in oz where scout and I come from divorce doesn’t instantly stop spousal maintenance claim. There’s a 12 month time limit after divorce becomes final to claim maintenance.
All the more reason I think to start the process. Hopefully he’ll hold onto a job for the next year but long term prospects are murky. Seems like the best chance of not ending up supporting him is to start the legal process and maybe in the meantime figure out a way for somebody else to warn him that he’s jeaopardixing his job and needs to be more circumspect with his affair? He won’t hear it from you obviously. While I understand how satisfying it might be to see them both fired, it’s going to end up costing you money, so I would figure out who COULD clue him in that he would listen to.
Last edited by job; 11/15/1908:28 PM. Reason: edited a word for kml
The legal separation is under way so I will have peace of mind once that's done. There's a mandatory twelve month waiting period before divorce can be filed. But it's really just a formality after the legal separation.
I've been reading about truth darts. Is there a consensus on the wisdom of exposing the affair? If H questions why I'm not allowing him in the house, i'm going to tell him it's because I know about OW, and that I know it was at least emotional with her before he left me, and I won't allow someone who treats me with disrespect into my home. I've also seen others on these boards tell their spouse that they will expose the affair to family/friends unless they confess themselves. What are thoughts on this?
Generally exposing the affair to family and friends is counter-productive if you still hold out hope for reconciliation. But I think it’s fine to let him know that you know he’s been having an affair. Don’t say anything about when it started - he’ll lie anyway, and you can be 100% sure it started before he dropped the bomb. (In fact, you need to see you gyn and be tested for STDs. Sorry. )
As for barring him from the house - check you legal status first. If he co-owns the house it may not be legal to change the locks. But it’s fine to establish boundaries - just don’t make it about OW, that’s giving her too much power. Try “you’ve decided not to be my husband and this is not your home any more. “
Exposing the affair is counter productive - for possible reconciliation and also that invests you into the outcome of the affair. Best to just let go and detach.
Remember this is about H, not OW. She is just a symptom, don’t elevate her or give her any power.
Oh yeah, STD testing. I forgot about that. I think pretty much everyone here goes through that. It’s a wise precaution and needed knowledge of your health.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you both for the advice. It didn’t feel like the right thing to do - like some kind of blackmail. The real reason I don’t want him in the house is that I still struggle to set aside my feelings and treat him the way I want to treat him, as a friend. But I can’t say that.
H finally replied to my response about his Christmas schedule. There was no rage or blame, which is what I was afraid of. It was actually more respectful than usual. He said he had a good time with S1 on Thursday and dropped him off to daycare on time (late drop offs have been an issue recently). He asked if he could come move his car out of my garage at a time that was convenient to me. He didn’t push back on my Christmas boundaries, but asked if we could compromise on pickup and drop off times for S1’s overnight away. He pointed out that it would work with S1’s nap times.
I was cordial in my reply, validated his feelings about S1, and agreed to his compromise. I thanked him for taking S1’s needs into consideration and for being proactive about the car.
I was out with S1 and friends seeing a play when H came to get the car yesterday. When I arrived home I found some of my things from the garage sitting on the driveway. They must have been blocking his car. I thought it was pretty inconsiderate to leave that stuff out where it could get stolen. He also left a bunch of his garden tools beside the garage that I asked him to please take to his new house. This has been a theme during the move-out process - he forgot to pack essential items like paperwork and his dad’s tools, but took odd things like half of a salt and pepper set of kissing lovers that we used as a wedding cake topper. It’s unlike him to be forgetful and unorganised. He still hasn’t returned the keys to the house either, which he said he would once the last of his stuff was out.
As for me: My anxiety has abated for now. I had a really fun day with friends yesterday. Enjoying prepping for Christmas. Received some great feedback at work last week. Hoping for a more peaceful week to come.
My XH left all his belongings..He took bare essentials He left all his tools and drills..( he was always very mechanical and could fix anything) He left papers and only came to get papers of importance when he was watching kids..and I was not here
like the deed to his motorcycle
He left his ss card, fancy boots and expensive shirts..and never took any of it much of it went in the dump
Funny how he took the salt/pepper shakers Really they make little sense, even to this day, I cant figure my XH out
What I can tell you is their lives usually take a turn for the worse They sometimes get hooked intio drugs, prescriptions, alcohol and that takes them further down because unless they are actively seeking Growth and healing...they spiral down remember it is the unresolved issues from his past that lead him to this state-
continue to free yourself work on healing and self care
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
