I also want you to know I meant no offense. Just giving you an honest opinion about the way what you wrote came off. Honesty from others will drive some honesty towards ourselves.
I just think you guys are in such an awkward position, no one knows how to “act” or “do”
I also think in a real relationship the woman is going to want to please her man much much more. The joy of a FWB situation is that if you don’t want to, you don’t give it. You owe nobody anything.
You might also want to talk with her about feeling bad about dating someone else and then having to "dump" her. Again, these are just the common landmines of FWB. It really doesn't take the right two people with the right two mindsets.
This right here resonated with me.. I think this is the conversation that I need to have with her.
Thank you everyone for your input, I really appreciate it.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
ugh, I got the end result I wanted (mostly), but man did I make a mess of that. A few few days after my last post, I still hadn't seen her or had the talk with her and went out drinking.. well, I don't need to be drunk to do something stupid, but being drunk definitely ups the chances that I will do something stupid, and I did. At the end of the night when I was home, I texted her out of the blue and said I didn't want to do this anymore and basically broke it off, I was very nice about it (thankfully), but I am not the type to end any type of R by text, and I didn't want to end it without talking to her first.
The next day when I woke up late I asked if I could call her (not sure that she would want to talk to me) and she said I could, I had the talk with her and explained my actions as best as I could. End result was that she understands that I am going to continue meeting new people looking for a real R and will stop sleeping with her if I find someone that I am interested in pursuing. She doesn't want to break it off with me, but understands that I want more and she can't give it to me. We've spent some time together since all that and it has been really nice having someone to snuggle with on these cold nights we've been having, it is cuffing season after all.
And remember when I said I don't have to be drunk to do something stupid? Well, a while ago I decided to enhance my cultural side and get out and see some shows, so I bought tickets to a Stars and Guitars concert, a manheim steamroller concert and for the Nutcracker ballet. I had decided that I wouldn't mention the tickets to my FWB in case someone new came in my life that I wanted to invite to one (or all) and if no one appeared then I would ask her a week or so before. Well, to get to the point, there's a lady at work that I was set up with (exchanged phone numbers with anyway), we've been talking a little and I invited her to the stars and guitars concert with me (we've only talked a little so far, but have had trouble finding time to meet up). anyway, after the new lady accepted my FWB (or non-committed dating partner, whatever I should call her) mentioned to me that an artist dropped out of the concert, my heart sank cause I don't remember even mentioning to her that I had the tickets.. So I told her that I might of messed up, that I didn't remember inviting her and I'm going with someone else. She told me that I hadn't invited her, but that I had mentioned the concert in conversation and that when she heard about the artist dropping out she thought about the fact that I was going.
I had some relief that I hand't invited her, but it hurt me to have to say that I was going with someone else. ugh, I think i'm too emotional a person to do the whole FWB thing. if this ends, never again.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
In my opinion, for what it's worth (not much), I don't think you did anything wrong. You were honest with your FWB and she doesn't want to commit; no harm, no foul. She has no reason to expect to be able to go to the concert with you.
However, you clearly enjoy being with FWB and she doesn't seem to be in the same place yet. That's the issue you have to address (and that's why you were drunk and texting). Given what you said in your last paragraph, deep down you understand what's going on. I can relate to all of the conflicting emotions. Maybe after this little episode the FWB will have a change of heart.
Hey doodler.. she’s very much into me, not seeing other people, etc.. the only reason she doesn’t want to R is because of where she is in her divorce process.. I’m in that same place, would R but don’t want to start out as a rebound, for that reason we both fight to keep the feelings held back. But she treats me like a king and does her best to be understanding, but there is still pain there, she said my texts about ending it broke her heart but she knows it may come to that.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Hey doodler.. she’s very much into me, not seeing other people, etc.. the only reason she doesn’t want to R is because of where she is in her divorce process.. I’m in that same place, would R but don’t want to start out as a rebound, for that reason we both fight to keep the feelings held back. But she treats me like a king and does her best to be understanding, but there is still pain there, she said my texts about ending it broke her heart but she knows it may come to that.
Holy cr@p! I didn't understand the relationship. I get it now. You two are in a close relationship, both physically and psychologically and both of you don't really want it that way until all of the stars align properly, but both of you really do want it. You're both in love but fighting it tooth and nail.
I don't think it's a great idea to be in close relationship until after the divorce is done and over, but dude, you're in a close relationship with her now. You are the rebound guy. You either have to accept it and go with it or figure something out.
After D I had a FWB R. It started out as friendship, went to trying out the dating thing. He did decide a few months in something was “missing “ for him ( heard this twice in my life) we went through this cycle throughout 5 years of resuming and one of us ending because I wanted more and he didn’t. It finally became too painful for me. And he met the one who just became his wife. And I actually passed up some opportunities because I had hoped one day he would feel it for me.
FWB is really really difficult when there are more that just friends feelings and even more difficult when one wants more than the other does, whatever the circumstances are for not wanting more.
My advice is to stop doing this when it doesn’t feel good anymore. And you just can’t have any expectation of anymore than friendship and sex. It’ll ruin ya.
I do believe in what’s meant to be will be. And if it’s meant to be when she is in a better place, it will be!
Continue to date. I’m glad you asked that girl to the concert
Doodler, Love is a stretch, but we both enjoy being with each other.. we both have feelings, but how can you not?
Ginger, I agree with you, we both have caught feelings which is gonna make it tough when it ends..
But holy cow, just my luck.. she just told me her and her daughter are going to the concert, they won tickets to go . I don’t want to hurt her, but if I have to take a stance, I’m gonna side with the girl I’m going with.. hopefully it doesn’t come to that
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
had a great time at the concert yesterday, she really is an awesome chick and the friend who "connected" us was dead on with the type of lady I like... BUT, she made a comment that she was the only one of her generation in her family who doesn't have kids, so I asked how old she was and she's only 33.. Never been married and wants kids.
I knew she was youngish, but I was hoping that she was in her late 30's, I was surprised when she said she was only 33. Obviously she's is not the "one" that i'm hoping to find, but we got along well and may very well end up as friends, we shall see..
Anyway, going to another show tonight, I invited my FWB to the Mannheim Steamroller concert tonight, don't really know what, if anything, I should do about our situation, but for now I enjoy just hanging out, hooking up and having fun...
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
BUT, she made a comment that she was the only one of her generation in her family who doesn't have kids...
Coconut,
I was 42 when my first son was born. My sons have a good friend, age 15, who's dad is 70. He (the friend's dad) also has a daughter that's age 12 or 13. I know he also has a set of children, in their twenties, from a previous wife, and it's rumored he may have a brood that came before the twenty somethings. (He's wealthy, but he still works; I don't think it's because of the kids, but I don't know.)
I *think* my sons keep me young, but I do have to suffer through the "boomer" jokes. So far, my best come-back has been, "At my age, when I tell you that I'm going to do you a solid, it means something entirely different." They thought that was a good one. (Gen Z understands potty humor.)
I certainly have no regrets; they're awesome boys.
. I don’t want to hurt her, but if I have to take a stance, I’m gonna side with the girl I’m going with.. hopefully it doesn’t come to that