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Originally Posted by Greek
Perspective. One story, and two perspectives.

Coach and I were talking over dinner tonight Ė well, I was talking and he was actively listening wink about what a difference it makes who is telling the story of a breakup. And it matters who is listening to the story, too, in terms of the advice and counsel.

Reflecting on a recent poster (Doodi), I was opining that if I had come on DB some years back and told my story at that time in the Coach-Greek history, I would have looked very differently to yíall than I did when Coach got on here and told his story. He would look very differently to you, too, in part because I would be telling the story. Perspective. Thank God he found this site when he did Ė donít misunderstand me. My point is that it really depends on who is telling the story, doesnít it? And itís not about honesty or the lack of Ė itís the lens and the focus.

So I wonder, for those of you on the journey to save your marriage, sharing on this forum, seeking, reaching out Ė could you construct a post from your spouseís perspective? To the LBS ~ what would your WAS post if they were the one to find this place first? What would their handle be and how would they title their thread? Can you put yourself in their shoes and construct that first post? Just thinking about that, whether you actually write it, could be so helpful to you.

Compassion. Empathy. Understanding.


Can you handle it?
Greek


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Originally Posted by Kalni
Number 72...

Logbook - Captains' Journal
Astro date, August 2078
Me and H celebrated our 107 birthday today. Thank God for Alzheimer, some days I forget about his infidelity. When he remembers my name he asks what else he can do to be forgiven. That's when I usually get really mad at him and tell him I want out of this M and want to start over wth someone new that loves and appreciates me... Life is ahead of me and dont want to waste it. I dont want to settle!! smile


Sunshine


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Originally Posted by MakingProgress
It's a matter of triage. The attraction is the last thing to come back. First, you stop the bleeding. The WAW needs to feel safe to express her feelings. She needs to feel that the changes you are making are real and not just to get her back. She needs to have fun around you and not feel badly for you or find you a drag. But it's not a linear thing. In the same way that the littlest setback can bring the panic and anxiety back in you, the littlest sign of re-connection can bring back her panic and anxiety and she can withdraw. Remember, a WAW walks away because she has come to an emotional state where it is less painful to walk away than to face the problems in her relationship. Someone (possibly coach?) compared the process to befriending a stray cat. I think that's about right. On the one hand they want to reconnect. On the other, they're afraid.

Finally, the books and the DB coaches will tell you to STALL any move towards separation or divorce. However, I have not been doing research into sitchs where there is a PA or EA and don't have experience there (I don't believe so, anyway.) I don't know if the stalling tactic applies in those cases.

Just my opinion based on my experience.


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Originally Posted by TreadingWater
Perhaps just asking this question means I'm not, but I'm worried that waiting too long to start piecing could be as problematic as starting too soon. Here's what's happened recently that I think means we're there or at least close:
....
4. H says that he used to think he would be happy if he was just with OW (instead of me). But, he's realized that's not the case. That didn't fix it. He's still not happy. Has he realized that I can't create happiness for him? And that it's not entirely my fault that he's not happy?


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Originally Posted by kbuenob
Then I realized that in order for me to heal, I can't harbor these feelings inside of myself any longer. I have to reach a place of acceptance. This is real life. All of this REALLY happened and IS happening in front of me, and I have to accept that. That is the only way that I can find any kind of peace. Then I started to try and understand what happened. I know my W didn't set out for this. She didn't purposely try to hurt me, but she did and continues to do so.


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Originally Posted by HopeCA
I struggled and continue to struggle with detachment. I also worried that detaching would give my H reason to believe we were growing apart. The thing that is most helpful to remember is that detachment isnít so much about the way you interact with him (though DB does have guidelines around that too, clearly) and has more to do with how much those interactions affect you and guide your choices.
I thought for a long time that to be detached meant to be cold and distant. It isn't. Itís really about putting the focus on getting to a place emotionally where you feel OK on your own, regardless of what is going on with your spouse and your relationship.
Donít get me wrong, I have NOT mastered this. But that realization helped me get a little farther along.

I also think itís Worth noting that detachment definitely seems to be much easier for some types of people than it is for others. For me it is extremely challenging. Perhaps it will be for you too. Be patient and kind with yourself!


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Originally Posted by Mozza

DBing
I accept responsibility for what I did in the M, by being too critical and dismissive of my W's feelings. I understand that my W was looking for something she wasn't finding in the M. I sometimes understand why she left, since she was miserable, and sometimes think leaving was too strong a reaction for the situation. I tend to blame her flight reflex and unrealistic expectations for love and family life. My heart wants to R, but my head tells me that it's a pattern with her and that I better not expose myself to it again.

My stance at the moment is to let her live her life while I reflect and try to focus on me. In January, I told her I didn't want to interact beyond the practicalities of the kids because I need to move on. I'm good at being silent and distant so the "no pursuing" rule is easy to apply for me. After nine months and little contact, I can say that detachment is taking hold. I see a therapist since BD and I've also started dating in May (8 months after BD).
_________________________________________________

SUCCESS STORIES
I update this list every time I start a new thread. Please make suggestions, especially with links to threads. I wish we had room in our profile to tell our story so that the vets and other successes could give us a quick summary.

MLC Success Stories

Reconciliation
Thornton (M) - May to July 2014
Train (W) - Reconciled in 2014
Labug (W) - March 2011 to December 2013
HopefulStill - reconciled in 2012
minkerman (M) - Reconciled after 4 months in 2008
25yearsmlc (W) - 2005 to August 2008
FaithfulH - Reconciled in 2007
sandi2 (W) - 2007
Coach (M) - 2008
MrBond (M) - Used to have another screen name
Starsky309 (M) - (ChocolateEyes, Puppy Dog Tails) - Aug 2007 to 2009. Exposed his W's A.
Butterflymom127 and FavoriteWeirdo - Thread
LITB (M) - December 2010 to May 2012
Raine (W) - Dec 2012 to November 2014 (MLC)
ReachingHigher (W) - April 2012 to May 2014
SM34 (M) - December 2012 to December 2013
AliSuddenly (W) - H left in January 2008, moved out, had OW. Piecing May 2009, married July 2010
kalni (W) - BD on November 2007, piecing in January 2010
Angel61 (W)- BD June 2010, H had EA, Retrouvailles November 2011

Piecing as of 2014-2015
(newly added) Kramer (M)
(newly added) edz (M)
Jefe (M)
T0324 (W) H leaves in Febr 2014, filed for D, had OW, piecing fails in Aug 2014, piecing again in Mar 2015
Crimson (M)
Heart14 (W) Signs 2014-02, DB 2014-07, Piecing since 2014-07
Nitty - BD in December 2013, piecing as of September 2014

Letting go
Love2Surf (M) - March 2010 to 2012
pearlharbr (W) - November 2008 to June 2010 (19 months)
Snow White (W) - 2008-2009. Let go when her H wanted back in.
Drew (M) - 2008
BigMac (M) - June 2014 to February 2015 WAW offered R at the last minute and he turned it down
Underdog (Betsey) D final in May 2005

Resources
Validation | Boundaries | Detachment | Dance of Pursuit and Distance | Acronyms | Stockdale paradox
The sandi2 collection: The Wayward Wife | It takes time | Letting back too easy
Wonka: The Starter kit / Post-BD plan of action


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Originally Posted by Wanka
In summary, the action list should be something like this upon arriving at the DB forum in short order:

1-Keep DB to yourself and hide the DR book. You don't give away the playbook to the opponent. ERASE all browsing history on your computer.

2-LOSE YOUR FEAR of WAW. Reclaim your balls back from her purse.

3-Pull out the "not willing to live in an open M/no-OM boundary" script.

4-Stop sharing the same MBR with your WAW. You are not willing to share her with another man. Tell WAW that "you have decided that you prefer she sleep in another room."

5-Sex? Forget it. It all stops right now. Same as above.

6-DO NOT have convos with WAW about the OM. You are not her gay boyfriend. You are her H. Do not acknowledge or speak about the OM at all.

7- Move all of your FINANCIAL assets into a new banking account with just your name on it (no more joint $$ with WAW) and cancel joint credit cards. Be sure to inform bank officers that your WAW is not to get a loan or open a card with your name ...they must call you first to alert of this.

8-Cut off all joint cell phone plans (you are not financing W's affair by paying for her smartphone to continue conducting her A on the family's money)

9-Only pay expenses related to children (if you have any) and other practicalities

10-Consult with a Lawyer to know your rights. Go in for an informational meeting with 3 to 4 attorneys. Keep it to yourself. Knowledge is power.

11-Cancel all MC sessions. It is ineffective as long as your WAW is in an A and just going there for appearance's sake to claim that "they tried." Pshaw!

12-Don't drive or pick her up from the airport. She can figure this out herself.

13-Make your own GAL plans. Don't drop them if WAW cries to you that she needs you to "babysit" the kids or threatens you.

14-Stop going into an overdrive cleaning the house or doing the laundry. Makes you look like the gay housekeeper from La Cage aux Folles movie.


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Originally Posted by Sandi2
LBH's should not let her back too easily, with no questions, no discussions or decisions. He had better have a plan and have an agreement from her to cooperate 100% with his plan before he ever says they can reconcile......then hold her to it. Rug sweeping is no solution, period. It makes matters worse, so that route needs to be taken off the table immediately. Neither can the H "nice" her out of her waywardness. This is where I think some of the LBW's here on the board may have a problem with some of the tough love advice. B/c they would love it if their bad H was nice, especially if he had been abusive. However, these ladies are not wayward, and that's the main difference. I am telling you it does not work with a wayward woman. It stems from those three areas......resentment, disrespect, and rebellion.


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Originally Posted by Starsky
To be clear, I almost always recommend fighting for the marriage EARLY -- for some pre-determined amount of time that you can stomach, post-BD (3-4 mos.?) Once there is an active legal divorce action, it would be very rare that I would recommend that someone "fight for" a wayward spouse.

A lot of it depends on "what do you know, when do you know it, and does SHE know that you know," so it can be more complicated than that, but generally speaking I advocate all of the strong moves (establish boundaries, firewall finances, fight for your marriage, aggressive affair-busting) be done EARLY and POWERFULLY. Over time, if the wayward spouse is still unrepentant and unwilling to end their affair, I'm more of a "RobX/let them go" guy.


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