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ozman #2872017 11/13/19 04:20 PM
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I'm going to hit you with a few more 2x4's. I feel like you're not grasping the concepts of DB'ing and I'm trying to help you with that as are the others here. I hope you understand this and my other comments are not a personal attack, I like you or I wouldn't bother with this. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, just trying to point you in a newer/ better direction as I think others here are as well.

Originally Posted by ozman
She is going to leave when lease is up. If she doesnít want to than I will demand we work on M. I donít know what I was doing wrong but she thought I was still holding on


So that's your plan for life and the future, to sit around waiting another 4 months and see if she leaves or not, and if she doesn't, demand that she works on the M (which she will not) or else! Or else what? Another talk? Actions Oz, actions. For the millionth time, talking is NOT taking action. It is the ILLUSION of action.

Originally Posted by ozman
I also did I didnít matter what I did she could not see I had dropped the rope. Which according to you guys is very important. So I did what I did. And I donít regret it


Dropping the rope isn't telling her you dropped the rope. You're trying really hard to sell us on the idea that you have detached and dropped the rope, which makes me think you haven't. Once you well and truly do you won't need to convince anyone. ESPECIALLY yourself.

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Steveís recommended script would not have worked. It would have caused a volcanic eruption of an argument. I would have lost any ground gained.


You don't know that. You like to come up with all kinds of reasons that you have to do thing Oz's way instead of actually DB'ing. And what do you mean lost any ground gained? I thought you were detached and didn't care about W anymore, yet you're still trying to measure relationship "progress"?

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The conversation did not go like I thought it would. It went better in some ways. Worse in others.


It was completely pointless and meaningless. You didn't learn anything new, you didn't tell her anything new, you didn't accomplish a single thing. All you heard was an expression of her feelings as they are at this moment in time, but they can and will change in an hour, a day, week month or year.

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But we still have 4.5 months of living together where she is gonna see me in a new light (knowing that I let her go)


She doesn't know poop, because all you've done is say it, and WAS's don't believe anything an LBS says. WHAT IS OZ'S PLAN?? What are you going to do differently from now on?

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I donít have a plan. Iím going to take it day by day.


You need to develop one. You need goals for yourself. You need a master plan that does not involve her. Get a life.

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It does however fell like you guys hounded hounded ďdetach, detach!!Ē And then when I do and I feel like she could stay or go it makes no difference. You guys make me feel like Iíve done something wrong.


Oz, if you really had detached you wouldn't have temp checked her and then asked her out to dinner to have a long R talk with her. Go back and read TXHubby's threads if you want to see what real detachment looks like. I'll describe it in a nutshell- he had an epiphany that his love for a wife that did nothing but disrespect him was slowly killing him, literally. He got angry, not with her but with himself. He immediately took control of his life. He got fit, dressed better, started going out with friends, and COMPLETELY disassociated himself from his wife even though they still lived in the same house. NO talks of any kind, no idle threats, no "when are you moving", no "how do you feel about us now", no "let's talk about this". He gained his self-respect back. His posts here were filled with his personal goals and GAL activities, little to nothing about his W. I don't think he ever once "said" he was detached during the process. He didn't need to.

So I ask again, what are you going to do differently now?


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
ozman #2872029 11/13/19 05:56 PM
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Originally Posted by ozman
What about being friends?
You should be friends with everyone BUT HER. You want her to be your lover. If she does not want to be that, then she will just be the mother of your child.


Make her really miss your friendship. If she misses you, she may have a change of heart and start pursuing you.


Decide how you what to split parenting duties. This means when you are with son, wife is doing her thing. Then when wife is with S, you are doing your thing.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by ozman
What about being friends?
You should be friends with everyone BUT HER. You want her to be your lover. If she does not want to be that, then she will just be the mother of your child.


Yup. This is the woman who offers ZERO support to you through your cancer struggles Oz, and you want to be friends with her? What you're really saying is you want to keep placating her and kissing her rear while she continues to treat you like dirt, but you think if you call it "being friends" then that'll make it OK. She has CLEARLY shown you that she's not your friend. You're missing who she used to be, not who she is now.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
ozman #2872038 11/13/19 06:57 PM
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I see. Thank you guys. Thank you very much. I have a lot to ask but I want to re read this last batch of posts several times through. Iím ready to get Díd. I just wasnít sure if I should do it now or wait 4 months.

And I do see how she has offered me zero support through my life. I listen to her whine every day about her job and how her boss is mean and I offer her words of encouragement. But she is not interested in hearing about how I lost 3/4 if a day at work because I had to clock out to talk to oncologist, get new insurance paperwork in order, talk to specialty pharmacy. I get home tired. Have no support system and still manage to shoulder the load without complaining. To the point my boss said ďI have no idea how you show up here everyday with a smile on your face. Your always one of the happiest guys in the shopĒ

But her boss is mean. So I guess thatís whatís important

Also. If Iím not supposed to talk about R. Isnít talking about getting our own places and who gets what and such count as R talk. Or no

Steve. ((Bro hugs back))

I needed that lol

Last edited by ozman; 11/13/19 07:06 PM.

Me 32. W. 30
T 10 years M 8
S 8

Bd 5-31-19
ozman #2872040 11/13/19 07:06 PM
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Originally Posted by ozman
I see. Thank you guys. Thank you very much. I have a lot to ask but I want to re read this last batch of posts several times through. Iím ready to get Díd. I just wasnít sure if I should do it now or wait 4 months.


If you filed now, especially with a child, it will be long after 4 months before you will be D'd.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
ozman #2872042 11/13/19 07:06 PM
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Please reread my last post. Long edit


Me 32. W. 30
T 10 years M 8
S 8

Bd 5-31-19
ozman #2872043 11/13/19 07:13 PM
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Originally Posted by ozman
I listen to her whine every day about her job and how her boss is mean and I offer her words of encouragement. But she is not interested in hearing about


#1) I listen to my lady. She needs to talk to feel better.
#2) She does not want to hear your words of encouragement. She needs you to understand how she felt through the day. VALIDATE.
#3) Thank god she does not want to here about your day. Does talking for 45 minutes about your day make you feel better?? I would rather spend 45 minutes cleaning my motorcycle.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
ozman #2872047 11/13/19 07:42 PM
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You need to develop one (a plan). You need goals for yourself. You need a master plan that does not involve her. Get a life.


Just to make sure this ^^^ does not slip through the cracks. THIS IS SO SO SO SO crucial. Establishing goals is a key component of DB-ing, both for your own health/sanity/personal development and, later, if it comes, for rebuilding the MR. The DB-ing books tell you this, the DB coaches will tell you this (if you engage with one), and your MC (If you eventually make it to MC and have a good, goals-based therapist, if not, RUN to find one that does) will tell you this. YOU MUST HAVE GOALS/OBJECTIVES/PLANS for yourself and, if in a committed (especially marital) relationship, for that relationship. Failure to have such goals/dreams, both for yourself and for your MR, is quite often one of the reasons the relationship dies. You need to have something to look forward to and work towards... else you stagnate.

You can start small, you don't have to have grandiose goals like "save the world." Start small, and achievable. Then you can add more challenging goals, but always have something ahead of you that you know you can achieve, though it may take work/effort. There is some mental illness history in my family, including depression, and one of the paradigms for attacking depression is "do the next thing". The idea is that, no matter how down, depressed, blue, or hopeless you feel, you keep moving forward. Find one thing that needs to be done, or establish one modest goal for yourself, AND THEN DO IT. Then do the next. Rinse. Repeat.

But you gotta have a plan. We're men. Men always have a plan. "Day to day" don't cut it.


H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
ozman #2872049 11/13/19 07:56 PM
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Ok. Step 1 in my plan. .....

Lol. Harder than I thought it would be. Iím gonna need a lot of help on this. When to decide who gets what. When to start looking for my own place. When to discuss who gets S when. When to separate finances etc. and how to do this stuff gently but firmly and in control.


Thanks guys


Me 32. W. 30
T 10 years M 8
S 8

Bd 5-31-19
ozman #2872051 11/13/19 08:07 PM
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Originally Posted by ozman
When to decide who gets what. When to start looking for my own place. When to discuss who gets S when. When to separate finances etc. and how to do this stuff gently but firmly and in control.

Hi Ozman, well, I had a rather straight-forward divorce--I wanted out a.s.a.p. so it took 30 days to get terms defined and I didn't spend much time talking. Me: "Here's a proposed childcare plan I downloaded from the Internet. I didn't change anything from the boilerplate. It covers everything from sick days to vacations to phone calls at each others' home. I picked a 5/2/2/5 because that's what child psychologists recommend for ages x and y. They also talk about week on/off and alternate days, but here's some shortcomings. It looks good but you're welcome to find your own plan. Her: "Okay, let me look over it." Me: "It's a weekend later. Any thoughts?" Her: "What does X mean?" Me: "I think X means Y. Think we should clarify it?" Her: Okay, sounds okay. I'd like <change> <change> <change>" Me: <Stews a bit>. "Agreed."

Item splits, we did a personal auction a week before I moved out of the place.

Financial splits were mostly straightforward--50/50. We did that the day we signed our agreement. The initial filing including restraining order to limit any hocus pocus with the kids or shared funds. That's why my discussions STARTED with her being served divorce papers. Service provided protections for everyone.



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