Mediation is a week and a half for me. I don't know that my W is softening, I think she's super nervous but she is anticipating getting this done.
She's super upset at my L ("she doesn't respond right away!"), who's a pro, and hers seems to not have it all together. My L had to school her L the other day on a minor procedural thing.
I’m feeling overwhelmed and sad and confused and all mixed up. I woke up in the middle of the night feeling so upset at H for what he is doing, and for the way he’s doing it. When he got here this morning to pick up D4 I tried to be remain friendly but I was naturally feeling distant and I’m sure it came across. He tried to make small talk with me, and I just didn’t have it in me. When D4 left the room to get her things he started crying. He said he had a dream about his father last night (they had almost no relationship and his father passed away recently) and he was emotional about it. I listened and validated, and felt genuine empathy for him. Even though he is causing me more pain than I thought was possible, I wanted more than anything to reach out to him and give him a hug. He asked me if I’d like it if he brought D4 to visit me at work today. I hesitated. Of course I want my HUSBAND to bring my daughter in to see me at work and introduce my cute family to my coworkers. But this? I don’t even know what this is. I I just started this job, I’m not about to explain to these people that we aren’t really together. It gives me so many different feelings and I don’t know which ones to go by. He’s pulling me in, and I just don’t know why. I know I’m not supposed to be, but I’m so confused and I’m hurting so badly My instinct is to reach out to him in some way, but I fear/know I’d just get knocked down/rejected again. Im trying to resist the call of false hope. I’m also not giving up yet. I’m lost.
H will be here to bring D4 home soon. It’s been a very emotional day and I feel fragile. It’s also the last time we’ll see each other before our progress check in at court on Tuesday. I have to be honest: I’m feeling like saying something to him. His actions today feel like SOMETHING is happening with him. I won’t pretend to know what it is. What if, just what IF, he was reaching out to me in his own way? Part of the major reason he left is because I made him feel unloved and unvalued. What if he wants me to come toward more and let him know I love and value him?? I know this sounds desperate and typical LBS and not at all DB. BUT I am genuinely afraid that because of this particular issue, his pride wants me to, dare I say, pursue him???
I’m so torn. I also really don’t want to blow all the progress I’ve made if it’s absolutely the wrong call. HELP!!
So he was here, and I focused on D4 for the most part. H was warm, and also pensive or something. Caught him watching me a couple of times. After D4 went to bed, absolutely no mention of Tuesday’s court date. SO WEIRD. We talked a bit about D4, and then as he was getting up to leave H asked, “are you eating enough? You look really skinny.” He may be right, but it was a weird thing for him to say. He was fishing for something, but I was really surprised and maybe a bit defensive, and just said “am I? Weird, I’ll take it as a compliment!” and he laughed. After he left though, I felt like I’d maybe missed an opportunity. He was trying to check on me, for whatever reason. So I texted him and braced for another BD. I would really love to hear people’s thoughts on this exchange:
Me: How come you asked me that, about eating enough? I’m not offended, but it came out a little critical sounding.
H:You look thin. Just a little concerned I guess. Not critical at all
Me: ok, thank you for clarifying that.
H: sure
Me: I’m sure my appetite is not at it’s normal level right now, but I hadn’t really noticed it I guess. I’m pretty stressed and really emotional.
H: Totally understand that.
Me: I’m not trying to put that on you. I just thought since you asked that I’d share
H: I get it. Don’t feel like you put anything on me. I know sh** is rough
Me: It really is. Lots to say but I won’t even try to text it, haha. Goodnight
H: I’m sorry that you’re hurting
Me: Thank you. I try so hard to hold so much in around you, because I want to respect your boundaries. It’s hard
H: I can tell, and thank you. I know
Me: When you are telling me things, like about your dad, and I see you feeling sad or emotional, I just want to comfort you and be there for you so much
H: I know and I appreciate that thought. It just comes out of me without control. I was trying to hold it back. But thanks for listening
Part of the major reason he left is because I made him feel unloved and unvalued.
How strongly do you believe the above statement?
I feel like you are struggling to reconcile 2 DB core tenets which are in conflict with you:
1. Loving detachment 2. 180 on your H feeling unloved and uncared for
And then you are trying to deal with all of this in the context of an upcoming court date.
It's easy to read all kinds of interpretations in text exchanges. On the first reading, I thought you two were sharing feelings and it was touching. On the second reading, I thought your H was holding back and possibly trying to employ validation himself.
My third reading is that your H is an emotional mess himself, and you are being tossed around a little bit by his emotions (see: dreams of his father). He sounds very distant sometimes, then gets emotional with you. Detachment is important because it helps disentangle your emotions from his - he can tend to his own emotional garden while you tend to yours. I would guess you both are feeling fragile right now.
Ultimately, I hope that you can let go of your MR expectations right now. I think when our situations hit emotional peaks (whether that is BD, or filing for D, or court dates, etc.), it becomes very difficult to sort out what is happening. Once things settle, it can become clearer. It sounds a bit like you are trying to deal with both your emotions and his at the same time.
Thanks for replying unchien, I appreciate the feedback!
I believe the statement I made about my H. I believe that I did things that made him feel unloved, and I believe that it is a part of the reason he left.
You are absolutely right that I am struggling with detachment in general, and even more so as it is in conflict with something I feel H wants from me. I also had all of the same reactions to my text exchange with him that you did. He was being distant/cautious and holding back, and also pushing for more of the convo and fishing for me to say more. He is definitely an emotional mess right now (he said so himself today) and I am definitely entangled. As I said, I admit I’m a bit lost right now. That is mainly because I’m so attached to H and enmeshed in his emotional roller coaster.
The roller coaster continued and ramped up today at our court date. I am exhausted and will post about that another time. I am beyond confused, more so then ever, and would definitely like some feedback.
H expressed tonight that he is wavering quite a bit. He said there’s a part of him that wants to say yes and come back, but he is very scared of the past repeating, scared of coming back for the wrong reasons and scared in general. He said he has a lot of healing to do about a lot things, and he repeated a few times that he feels like he needs to “keep moving forward with this” but then talking about his other feelings around it.
He still feels we need to keep moving forward with this process. And he is having doubts. After court today I had expressed to him my feelings about him and about my desire to reconcile. I followed it up by telling him that I have no desire to push him or talk him into anything, and that I respect his ability to make his own decisions. And I meant it. I only want him to come back if he actually wants to. I think that allowed him to admit to himself that he is wavering, and to admit that to me. BUT he is still on the divorce path. He said he is starting IC soon. I’ve always wanted that for him, and I have to hope that will help him get his mind straight around all of this. This feels like a MAJOR tipping point and I would appreciate all the help I can get in handling this well (vets, im looking at you).
I validated up a storm. I know that I need to continue to do that, and not apply any pressure at all. I need to step back and let him lead. And, devastatingly, I will need to continue to participate in the divorce process. What else???
I validated up a storm. I know that I need to continue to do that, and not apply any pressure at all. I need to step back and let him lead. And, devastatingly, I will need to continue to participate in the divorce process. What else???
You nailed it right there! Just keep doing what you're doing. I am sure it's tempting to try to negotiate a "cease fire" with him but don't. He's got to make that decision. He's also got to think you are OK with following through with D. You told him how you feel, now don't tell him again because that would be pressure.
I need advice, in light of the latest developments in my situation.
Yesterday H asked what my thanksgiving plans are. I told him I’m working on making plans with my family but that I had told them I need to talk to him to see what his plans were, in order to accommodate sharing the day re: D4. He said he doesn’t have any plans, and went in to telling me about how things are with his family at the moment (not good, and they never make coherent holiday plans anyway, so it’s not at all surprising) It seemed clear he’d like to be invited to mine.
I do want him there, obviously. And given where he seems to be emotionally, a big part of me thinks that it would be a positive thing for him to feel how nice a family holiday together is. He seems to be at or approaching a major tipping point here, and I want to do what I can to tip it the right way. He is having a hard time and looking for a soft place to land. If he wasn’t wavering, we’d need to do it separately. BUT, since he stated clearly that he IS wavering, my instinct is to be the soft place to land right now given his internal struggle.
Am I wrong here? I am really in need of advice, as I feel the stakes are much higher now.
