Confused and Lost II

[Caligirl]

So glad to catch up on your thread .

Looks like you are doing good . When you don’t jump on her offer to spend time right away this is good . Your life goes forward with or without her . Keep yourself busy with GAL so you don’t jump at every opportunity.

She asked to kiss you because she is noticing the distance . Be careful not to get pulled in to quick .

[may22]

Checking in-- how was the weekend?

[KristinG]

Time for another weekend update... (I say this every time like the cast of SNL. Thanks Seth Myers and Tina Fey!)

Why does it feel like 2 steps forward and then 3 steps back? A week ago, my ww was treating me like a queen. She was being so sweet and telling me that she has so much planned for us, she is going to treat me like I deserve to be treated, she's going to make up for all the pain and heartache.

Fast forward 5 days (Saturday night) and she initiates an R talk. She tells me that she doesn't want to be with me and that she does still want to be with OW. They have not spent time together, but that her heart is still with her. A few sentences later, she doesn't want to be with anyone and she just wants to be on her own, find herself again, blah blah blah, etc... Yet another few sentences later she tells me "I know you don't believe me, but I am not going to be with anyone" and "we're going to be ok, I promise".

I cried, but stayed calm and listened throughout her utter confusion. I sincerely believe her when she says that she loves me. But I don't think she truly knows what commitment means in the face of adversity. I told her that I can't be her best friend through this process. I let her know that the marriage we had is dead and that if we ever want to try again it has to be from scratch. I told her not to be offended if I don't reply to communications from her, and that I am going to do my best to remove her from my heart. We had a really heartfelt and honest discussion.

Yesterday, I went out and visited family and then went to dinner with some friends. I am determined to continue and focus on myself alone. GAL, time for myself, etc. It is surprisingly easier to be alone lately. Her actions are showing that she isn't prepared to let me go. She is calling and texting often throughout the day. My car broke down and she took it upon herself to make sure I took her truck to drive and got my car fixed for me. She is more helpful and thoughtful than she has been in while. I am pulling back and trying my best not to let her smooth talk get into my heart.

Considering going far more into NC. One downside is that I want to be a lighthouse for her to find her way back - and if I go NC I feel as though she will perceive it as if I'm giving up on us. I don't want to be a piece of cake either. Sometimes I feel like I'm her emotional rock and that is the perk of having me around. (I definitely have some co-dependence issues where I am too much of a fixer and a care-taker). One plus is that she has learned to stand on her own two feet financially, so she is not relying on me for anything monetary. This has allowed me to begin saving quite a bit.

Suggestions are always welcome and sorry for the stream of consciousness! I hope everyone is DBing and living their best life.

[AnotherStander]

Fast forward 5 days (Saturday night) and she initiates an R talk. She tells me that she doesn't want to be with me and that she does still want to be with OW. They have not spent time together, but that her heart is still with her. A few sentences later, she doesn't want to be with anyone and she just wants to be on her own, find herself again, blah blah blah, etc... Yet another few sentences later she tells me "I know you don't believe me, but I am not going to be with anyone" and "we're going to be ok, I promise".

Unfortunately that's an accurate reflection of the battle going on in her mind right now. She's confused and doesn't know what she wants, but she's pretty sure it's not you. Except she does want you to wait around and support her on her terms (cake-eat).

I told her that I can't be her best friend through this process. I let her know that the marriage we had is dead and that if we ever want to try again it has to be from scratch. I told her not to be offended if I don't reply to communications from her, and that I am going to do my best to remove her from my heart.

Good. Now show her you MEAN IT. Show her through your ACTIONS.

Considering going far more into NC. One downside is that I want to be a lighthouse for her to find her way back - and if I go NC I feel as though she will perceive it as if I'm giving up on us.

That's not a downside right now. That is exactly what you want her to think. She's got to feel like she will lose you before she'll regret her choices. By all means go as dark as you can.

[Ready2Change]

Time for another weekend update... (I say this every time like the cast of SNL. Thanks Seth Myers and Tina Fey!)

Funny, I was thinking the same thing before I read your explanation...

By all means go as dark as you can.

I am shouting the same thing (like SNL Our top story for tonight News for the Hard of Hearing - Chevy Chase)


How will she know how much she misses you if you are always available?

[Ready2Change]

Glad to see you posting to kbuenob. I believe we need more woman helping these guys.

Posting to others will also help you. It allows you to think about things without your emotional attachment. It then becomes easier to apply your own advise to your own sitch.

HUGS

[Caligirl]

Definitely try to go NC .

She’s confused . All over the place emotionally and in her head. She has to go through that part alone .Keep yourself separate from the confusion . It is very hard to not talk or text someone you have been with for years . She has to feel you not being there .



Many hugs !!!

[kbuenob]

I appreciate everyone's help here! Thank you so much

[KristinG]

Thanks AS, R2C, Cali, and KB for the love and support.

By all means go as dark as you can.

I am shouting the same thing (like SNL Our top story for tonight News for the Hard of Hearing - Chevy Chase)


How will she know how much she misses you if you are always available?

^^ Haha that's so great (and so true) ^^


I still feel very much ok with either outcome for myself. I still have the ups and downs, but I am much more stable in handling my emotions. Making peace with the end of my MR has been intensely beneficial and I would not be working through that process without the help of everyone here. I know everyone is encouraging me to go full NC. I am horrible at following through (self imposed 2*4 to the face). I still think it's part of my process and journey. You are all correct in the fact that my ww is absolutely confused and unstable.

I've been going back and forth in my mind about Sandi's "Do What Works" mentality. The more I GAL, focus on myself, the more my ww is pursuing. On one hand, going NC doubles down on this perspective. On the other hand, going NC could also push ww away and directly with ap. If that happens, I am ok with moving on. However, my internal battle of questions stems from the fact that I feel so much more in control of my own destination. If I am strong and happy within myself, what is the harm in being the lighthouse and offering ww time and attention when she pursues? Is it wrong to allow time and friendly chats if I do so with the mentality that we are not together and I am focusing on my own healing? Can we truly heal while our WS is still involved in our daily life? Deep things to ponder.

((Hugs KB)) I know you're in the hardest part of the journey

[Ready2Change]

Women fall in love in a man's presence, men tend to realize they are in love in a woman's absence. And sometimes all he needs is a little time to make that realization

You might think about how this applies in your sitch.

Is it wrong to allow time and friendly chats?

Do you understand the difference between attraction and seduction? I really like being seductive with my woman. I don't do it as much as I would like because it takes much more work. But it is worth the effort.

An easy conquest has a lower value than a difficult one; we are only really excited by what is denied us, by what we cannot possess in full. Your greatest power in seduction is your ability to turn away, to make others come after you, delaying their satisfaction.


the more obviously you pursue a person, the more likely you are to chase them away.