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A Message from Michele
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Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2871972
11/13/19 04:06 AM
11/13/19 04:06 AM
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phnix Offline OP
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phnix  Offline OP
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I sent her out the MB tonight. Hopefully I can break this cycle. I told her she didnít have to text me during the day either. Time to be strong and hopefully I can learn to show tough love from now on.

It was a big mistake allowing her back in the MB. She is so arrogant and selfish. She has no remorse for what she has done. Continues to blame me and OMís wife for her problems. The worse was last night when I mentioned he should be fired because he was her boss. She claimed it was so barbaric for people to lose their jobs because of that. She claimed she could understand if it was a teacher messing with a student. She has no real shame.

This was all due to her accusing me of bugging her electronics. I sent an emoji that she claims he sent her. She got pissed so that tells me it must have been recent. Pure coincidence that I sent it and she accused me. Just goes to show you canít ever hide doing wrong. It comes out one way or another.

Last edited by bballer1; 11/13/19 04:09 AM.
Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2871978
11/13/19 07:50 AM
11/13/19 07:50 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,144
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Vapo Offline
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Originally Posted by bballer1
I She is so arrogant and selfish. She has no remorse for what she has done. Continues to blame me and OMís wife for her problems. The worse was last night when I mentioned he should be fired because he was her boss. She claimed it was so barbaric for people to lose their jobs because of that. She claimed she could understand if it was a teacher messing with a student. She has no real shame.


First of all, WTF are you talking about him for?!? You are giving him power over you and you are baiting her. Stop doing that. You have to realize he is not the culprit, your W is. She could have just said no to his advances and move on. The problem is she said yes and acted on it. You have to realize if it was not him, it would have been some other dude. Would it hurt you any less if she cheated on you with the plumber? Or the cable guy? I'd say no.

Originally Posted by bballer1

This was all due to her accusing me of bugging her electronics. I sent an emoji that she claims he sent her. She got pissed so that tells me it must have been recent. Pure coincidence that I sent it and she accused me. Just goes to show you canít ever hide doing wrong. It comes out one way or another.


No need to go to any lengths defending yourself. I'd just give her the REALLY WIFE?!? staredown. The WAWs get some sort of sick and perverted pleasure knowing that they are an object of desire of other men. You cannot do anything about it. Let it go. Perhaps you are thinking that if you do not fight for her, she might think you do not care. You have to realize that you are not in her plans. She divorced you at the time of her betrayal and your marriage ended at BD. IF you think that getting a divorce will make any sort of positive impact, you are sadly mistaken. I tried telling you that telling OM's wife was a mistake, but you chose to do it anyway. I understand you. Did it do any good? Nope.

Originally Posted by bballer1

I asked her 3 questions last night and she answered yes to all but the last question. 1st question was, Are you going to take another job out of county? YES, Do you think you will need to move out of the county? YES Do you want us to move out of the county together? MAYBE.


Stop with the questions. It is utterly futile questioning her on anything. By the way, you are reading that last answer wrong. She said: "HELL NO!" You have to learn to read WAW language, but I think you are starting to catch on.

You are doing well, but thing will get harder soon.

Oh yeah, and stop sending her fcukin emoticons. Would you send that emoticon to your business partner? No? So stop sending your W emoticons. Treat your relationship with your estranged spouse like a business relationship, so cordial, but no fcukin emoticons.

And disregards any and all "signs" and gestures from your W, she is confused as hell and you are probably prone to reading all sort of things into your W's actions.

Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2871987
11/13/19 12:42 PM
11/13/19 12:42 PM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,079
San Antonio, Texas
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joejoe1 Offline
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BB,

Great job in handling yourself last night. She needed to be kicked out.

I agree with Vapo, stop talking about, mentioning, referring too, pointing at, asking about this OM. Everytime you do that you make him that much more bigger and yourself that much smaller. You give his name power and energy and take the power and energy away from yourself.

Why do you think your WW is still sleeping in the MBR with you. It's one of three reasons:

1. She's trying to give you hope(false) to manipulate you.
2. The OM isn't all that cracked up like she Carry's on. So she's trying her best to hold both vines.
3. A bit of both.

My guess is option 3. If she truly couldn't stand you, she wouldn't be sleeping next to you are talking to you.
You controlled the one option you could.

Her two options she THINKS she has at the moment.

1. Her husband. ( A man that committed to her).
2. A lover (a married lover). A man that committed to another woman and cheated and broke that commitment.

You are the most attractive option, but you have to carry yourself as such
And I think last night was a great start. Stop entertaining her convo about OM, find a confident and assertive way to say, I don't want to discuss anything about you and OM.

Example: She's starts to bring a convo with him as a subject or object.
You: "I don't want to hear about what you and the OM(don't mention his name) has going on! If she continues, Say, " We can continue a conversation when it's not about your A" Get up and walk away.

Keep up the hard work BB.

Joejoe


M:36 W:35
T:9 M:8
S15, S11, S8, S3
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Re: My Story 3 [Re: joejoe1] #2871993
11/13/19 01:40 PM
11/13/19 01:40 PM
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phnix Offline OP
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"JJ1", Great way of putting it brother. I am the more attractive option. Going forward will be tough but I am determined to be strong and show tough love at the same time making sure I put my needs 1st.

She has already been texting this morning. Things like, "Are you done with me", "I need face to face counseling". She has also asked about couples counseling.

I told her I would only do couples counseling if 1. She has No Contact with OM 2. You commit to restoring our marriage. Her reply was OKAY.

"OKAY" means I'm not really interested right now.

Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2872010
11/13/19 03:50 PM
11/13/19 03:50 PM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,079
San Antonio, Texas
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joejoe1 Offline
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BB,

"Okay, is not a "NO". So keep going down the road you are on.

Her asking, "are you done with me", is a good sign. Ignore that text. You are waiting on the remorse. Her asking that question, and if you don't answer will hopefully lead to her wanting to know. People are fickle creatures. I will post you something I wrote on respect.

JJ1


M:36 W:35
T:9 M:8
S15, S11, S8, S3
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2872011
11/13/19 03:51 PM
11/13/19 03:51 PM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,079
San Antonio, Texas
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joejoe1 Offline
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Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,079
San Antonio, Texas
It's been on my heart to write this. I have read over this multiple times.

I'm a LBS or rather was a LBS. And when I got the BD I was doing all the wrong things. I ran around my city looking for answers. Asking every person I saw that I trusted what should I do.

I searched the internet exhaustively, looking for support and answers and I finally came across this life saving forum.

Were all my answers here, No. But a lot of the support I needed was, because of the life altering events that we were all living thru. I lived to read a post from Vets, helping me wade my way thru my sitch. Their responses brought me comfort and hope. I continued to read as much as I could about marriages in destruction and the same things came up just in different terms. Allow no disrespect, don't beg, plead, or show weakness, don't pursue, be patient and give space. These are the themes and pillars of a LBS. Out all of the pillars, respect carries love into eternity.

Can a person truly pay respect if they don't have any?

Respect cost, does a person with no respect for another truly love another. IMO, NO! Respect is not something that is just handed over freely, it's earned. It's action oriented. If a person is disrespected and the person who does the disrespecting is not confronted then respect is lost.

In order for a person to once again begin to love they must first begin to respect. In order for another person to respect another, that other person must respect themselves first. The longer the disrespect continues, the more the respect currency is lost.

But, in order to gain respect, it only takes one brave act, one act to show that disrespect won't be allowed. That act doesn't care what the reaction of the person doing the disrespecting is going to do. The only thing that matters is that the disrespecting stops. Once the disrespect is stopped, there are only two options, to respect or to distance ones self. But guess what, the distance option is a form of respect as well.

When faced with disrespect the right decision to be made, is first am I being used/disrespected. Why am I saying No or Yes. Am I saying "NO" to be mean or am I saying no because it's not conducive for me at the moment. Am I saying "Yes" because I think it will get my Spouse back or am I saying "Yes" because it's actually the right thing to do?

See, respect has nothing to do with being mean or nice. Has nothing to do with hurting another. It's all about a person, not crossing the clearly stated boundaries you have set. Respect is one person acknowledging that they won't cross your LINE, because they understand you won't TOLERATE them if they do.

Most LBS allow line crossing/disrespect because we don't want our WW/WS to leave us, but the irony/rub is the more/longer they line cross the further away they go. If you want them to ever come back and STAY, STAY is the key word, Respect must be there. The more respect they have the less likely they are going to leave.

So the first steps in winning a Spouse back, is stopping all the actions that show lack of respect and love for oneself (begging, crying, pursuing). Next start loving and respecting yourself. Next GAL, 180s, and detaching (not to escape, but too heal). Lastly allow no other to disrespect you and for all those that do, show them with action what doing so entails.

The purpose of DB or hope for a WW isnít ruining their life, itís leaving them alone and letting them see you grow and become stronger. It's Karma job to teach lessons, it's a LBS job to heal themselves.

JJ1


M:36 W:35
T:9 M:8
S15, S11, S8, S3
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2872022
11/13/19 05:05 PM
11/13/19 05:05 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 279
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phnix Offline OP
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phnix  Offline OP
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JJ1, thanks for the insightful post. My wife is a master manipulator. I have been beat down and my self esteem has suffered greatly. I know this will be a long road but by setting boundaries and by my actions toward crossing those boundaries will ultimately give myself respect and in turn give me power.

I will continue to set boundaries and become action oriented for those boundaries. Walking away from conversations that cross the line, her sleeping in the other room, and maybe even possibly her moving out. I've got to really look at what I will and will not allow her to do that makes me feel unsafe or disrespected. Thanks again!!

Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2872025
11/13/19 05:17 PM
11/13/19 05:17 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,814
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AnotherStander Offline
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Vapo's post may have stung a little but he's spot-on. Great advice from Joe as well, he's "been there done that"!

Originally Posted by bballer1
I am the more attractive option.


Probably quite literally every woman on planet Earth would say you are the more attractive option. Kind, devoted, loving husband vs. lying cheater? Seems obvious. Not to your W though, not right now. She has ZERO respect for you (I mean come on, talking to you about OM????), and you can only get it back by detaching from her. Right now she readily chooses the lying cheater, because she's caught in limerence. And all the turmoil this has caused has only driven them closer together. It's them against the world now, that's how she sees it. I think you mentioned OM's W has filed for D? I think your W envisions a wonderful life with him, riding off into the sunset on a white stallion with fireworks overhead. She's biding her time until that can happen, stringing you along with no intentions of making a future with you.

Quote
Going forward will be tough but I am determined to be strong and show tough love at the same time making sure I put my needs 1st.


Her "needs" should not be on your radar at all.

Quote
I told her I would only do couples counseling if 1. She has No Contact with OM 2. You commit to restoring our marriage. Her reply was OKAY.

"OKAY" means I'm not really interested right now.


You've got to quit being Plan B. She says she wants MC? Your answer is NO. She asks why? No reply. You've got to see ACTION from her that indicates a willingness to try, not hollow words.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2872026
11/13/19 05:20 PM
11/13/19 05:20 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,814
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AnotherStander Offline
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Joe that post on respect is brilliant! Well written. I am bookmarking that for future reference.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2872071
11/13/19 09:53 PM
11/13/19 09:53 PM
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 1,998
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neffer Offline
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I agree with all of you guys: great post JJ.

Iīm a survivor from the other side. This forum saved my life too. I needed to DB myself so as to save myself and my family. Didnīt find all the answers but found the road to get them. Itīs a never ending road, the road of life.

Keep walking that road BB. Accepting yourself, being a better man/father/(spouse eventually).

Happiness comes from inside. Get it, share it. Be the lighthouse. Shine!

Keep DB


WW H(me): 49
W: 45
T: 25 M: 20
S: 15
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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