Thank you KristinG for your support and your perspective.
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You have been doing a great job of venting here and not making rash decisions. Keep that level head. You WW will most certainly push your buttons and her subconscious goal will be to get you to "give her a reason" to leave or move closer to AP.
ie: "well you kicked me out of our house" or "you pushed me away and she was there for me"
Do you think it is a bad idea to split from our rental home? I was planning on not renewing our lease and moving on...will this drive my W deeper into the arms of the OW? Or am i still worrying too much about her and not myself- which is what DB'ing is all about?
Being that this is a different situation than most here, should I approach it differently? Should I continue to stay in our home with her and DB?
Just a few posts ago, I was ready to call it quits and tell my W who is currently having an A with another W that I'm ready to move on and we should start looking for separate places to live. Until I saw this post:
Originally Posted by Mike85
I will stand for and fight for (DB-style) my marriage, behaving in a way that will allow me to look my kids in the eye, myself in the mirror, and at my God and honestly state that I did ALL that I humanly could to save my marriage and my family.
And this one
Originally Posted by TwinDad
Man UP for me was doing things from the heart and out of love even if it causes you pain. It is about being the best friend to your best friend even if they don't reciprocate. It is about giving them what they need not what you think they need. It is about doing these things because you choose to, not because you need to and making it clear that you have a life and a backbone. It is about setting an example for your children, wife, friends and family. It is being the "rock" that your best friend needs even though you feel like a pile of pebbles. It is about taking the high road without being judgemental.
Ultimately it might be having the courage to make the final R choice (D) when you reach your endurance limit.
In my sitch, my W and I separated with the sale of our dream home. I had always been the "doer" inthe household....getting things done. Everyone knew it, everyone (mostly her family and friends) told me to let her choke on her own space that she was asking for, to let her fall flat on her face in the task of moving a household including our children. Effectively going dark.
Why would I do that to my best friend...the person I chose to marry and have children with. My W received virtually no help from any of her friends/family. If I did the same, I would just be one of them and would have justified her choice.
Instead I chose to respect her space and let her swim a little bit. If she started having trouble swimming then I would quietly throw a life line and help her tread water (fix something in the new house, help unburden some of the laundry, unpack some boxes). Something done so as to not take over but to gently help, to give her the strength to swim again and still have her space. All done without any expectation or need for praise....just helping a friend. I never let her drown.
At the end of the day I would then go and fix up my place and make it in to a family environment. One that would be comfortable for anyone to come and visit, one where my kids would want to go to. Basically moving on with my life
I would also be the ear to listen to her, never bringing up the R talk. I never required her to give an apology by saying she made a mistake (honestly she didn't). I just allowed her to show her love and renewed interest. Don't even want to talk about it....words always get us in trouble.
In the beginning I had quite a few people shake their heads at me, tell me I was a fool. This fool is back with is wife in a R that has seen more mutual respect and love in the last couple of months than it has seen in a long-long time.
Sorry for rambling on so much
PS: So many times I see people "go dark" and "set boundaries" with their WAS with such a tone of vindictiveness that it makes me sad. They really miss the point. Vindictiveness will never lead you back into your loved one's heart
These spoke volumes to me. I made a commitment to my W and I love her unconditionally. I'm not going to quit, and everything that I do moving forward will be from my heart- not for revenge. I owe this to my S10. I want to be the example for him. I want him to know that his Daddy gave it his all and that I hung in there even when Mama couldn't. So as much as it pains me to know that my W no longer loves me, it will be up to her to file for D if she chooses to because I won't. I also want her family to know that I fought for our marriage, and there will never be anybody that loved their daughter more than I do.
... Do you think it is a bad idea to split from our rental home? I was planning on not renewing our lease and moving on...will this drive my W deeper into the arms of the OW? Or am i still worrying too much about her and not myself- which is what DB'ing is all about?
Being that this is a different situation than most here, should I approach it differently? Should I continue to stay in our home with her and DB? ...
kbuenob -
My WW moved out and I strongly suspect that she moved in with OM. It is easier to detach and not be in emotional chaos everyday. However, you will have to battle the demons of your own thought of WW being with AP. You won't see them that often, so you will feel frustrated as there is no perceived progress.
You are still early in your sitch. My suggestion would be that you try and DB while she's living with you, and decide over the next month whether to separate. It's not like you can take any real action before Jan/Feb anyways.
Just my 2 cents...
Disclaimer: I'm neck deep in my own sh*t right now, but only giving you my experience and what to expect. Definitely put more weight into what the other vets like Sandi, LH, AnotherStander, Ready2Change are suggesting if you need to be more firm with your WW.
Just a few posts ago, I was ready to call it quits ...Until I saw this post....I'm not going to quit...it will be up to her to file for D if she chooses to because I won't.....
Glad you saw those posts. Which posts haven't you saw that might speak volumes to you??? This is a rhetorical question.
This is why it is extremely important to act on logic and not emotions. That is why it is important to take as much time as needed to make important decisions. But if you wait too long, you might miss a critical action that needed to be taken immediately.
You have two things going for you. One, you have a whole team of people here to support you. Two, you can do the work to understand the process better than W and be well prepared to response to her behavior with methods that have higher probability of working than if you we not here.
I wish you well during this most difficult time of your life. Just remember that you will come out the other end of this process as a whole new, better you.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thank you for sharing your experience LovingIt. Yes, I'm going to get all my ducks in a row first before making any decisions. I'll be calling some a few lawyers to get the ball rolling with some legal advice tomorrow.
Glad you saw those posts. Which posts haven't you saw that might speak volumes to you??? This is a rhetorical question.
This is why it is extremely important to act on logic and not emotions. That is why it is important to take as much time as needed to make important decisions. But if you wait too long, you might miss a critical action that needed to be taken immediately.
You have two things going for you. One, you have a whole team of people here to support you. Two, you can do the work to understand the process better than W and be well prepared to response to her behavior with methods that have higher probability of working than if you we not here.
I wish you well during this most difficult time of your life. Just remember that you will come out the other end of this process as a whole new, better you.
R2C, I really appreciate your help as well as everyone else here that have chimed in to help out a complete stranger. I'm blown away that you would check up on me, my posts, and my whole sitch. There is good in this world, and for that I am grateful.
Just want to journal a bit...
I had just got back from one of my friends re-opening of her salon. It was nice, good food and a nice guided meditation of gratitude and self worth. At home, the W and S were lounging in front of the TV. The ambiance was nice- we like to keep it a bit dark with a few lamps on. I kissed my boy and said hi to the W. She mentioned there being some snacks that she made, I ate a little and hopped in the shower. It was almost 9pm which is right around our S bedtime, so we put him to bed and both of us headed to the MBR. She did her thing, I did mine. Not much talking as usual. I noticed the last couple nights before she goes to bed that she's texting someone- Im pretty sure it's the OW, probably wishing her goodnight. I say this because thats what I found in the text messages that uncovered her A. Anyway- nothing new except she's doing it in plain sight now. She's not hiding things anymore- maybe she figures,"Oh well he knows and I don't really care anymore." I find it disrespectful.
She falls asleep, and no longer wishes me a goodnight anymore. I'm getting used to it. The goodnight hugs and kisses faded away about a month and a half ago. Sometimes Ill say goodnight if I feel like it, tonight I didn't.
While i'm getting all my legal stuff in order- finding out about my rights as a father, parenting schedule, etc. I'm going to interact with my W as nicely as possible. I want to be a rock- no more getting excited, showing frustration, etc. Im going to keep it cool as a cucumber like I did when she was freaking out about me moving her stuff out into the guestroom. i also want to be the one leading the energy in the room. I notice when i'm nice- she's nice. I guess being nice is working- at least it's showing our son that mommy and daddy are happy so he feels some comfort. I'm going to keep doing that even though Sandi recommends keeping conversation short. I'm not going to try to hold on to the W through conversing, but if it makes my son more comfortable i'm going to play it cool and maintain some sort of normalcy in the house for my son's sake.
About splitting from this rental home- i'm going to take my time with this like you all suggested. Again making sure all my ducks are inline before I make any decisions. With my W being as disrespectful as she is, I am leaning towards cutting the rope. I just have to be sure im doing it right from a legal standpoint.
Good for you for taking some time to think things through. One mistake that I know I made early on is panic and asking for separation. My ww was just in the early stages of an EA and she didn't even realize it. Had I kept my cool and given her space, my sitch might have turned out very differently. Instead, I insisted that if she has feelings for any other woman, that she needed to find somewhere else to live. This inevitably pushed her straight into the arms of the OW. Her family and all of our friends knew what was happening because of my panic (I didn't expose her except to my closest friends, but it was quite obvious to most). Everything snowballed and the only person she felt understood her was AP. Retrospectively, I should have remained the rock. I should have expressed love and validation, turning my focus on self growth.
I am one year out from separation and I can honestly say that I still make so many mistakes. The vets here are amazing and everyone will support and encourage you even when you slip up. The easy decision would be to cut the rope and walk away. It is much more painful to stay, I'm not going to lie. There will be days when you just don't know if your heart can take anymore. Lean on friends and people here when these days happen.
Hugs
LBW 32 - me WW 31 T 7 M 4 No Kids 4 dogs
Separated 1y Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
You cam detach while living together. It [censored] but its doable. I stayed in my marital home for 8 months after confirmation of my exwws affair. She treated me horribly. I dropped the rope and 100% focused on myself and my kids happiness.
You need to get to the point where you are indifferent to your WW.
I eventually mived out because my EXWW filed for D and it was over in May. I moved out June 1st.
Accept that your MR is over because it is. To truly detach you must truly do whats right for you. Do what makes you happy. Your WWs actions, desires and demands no longer matter.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
You cam detach while living together. It [censored] but its doable. I stayed in my marital home for 8 months after confirmation of my exwws affair. She treated me horribly. I dropped the rope and 100% focused on myself and my kids happiness.
You need to get to the point where you are indifferent to your WW.
I eventually mived out because my EXWW filed for D and it was over in May. I moved out June 1st.
Accept that your MR is over because it is. To truly detach you must truly do whats right for you. Do what makes you happy. Your WWs actions, desires and demands no longer matter.
So what was the purpose of staying in the marital home? Was it because you were hoping she would stay? I'm sorry, I'm just trying to understand why one would stay vs leave.
My W is in an A and in limerence with another woman. They have an addiction to each other. I've been reading up on limerence and listening to Dr. Joe Beam about the subject. I feel like in this situation, it doesn't matter what I do- she will be in limerence with the OW until the relationship dissolves. I don't need to be waiting around for that to happen.
My W is texting and contacting the OW while my S is around. She is being very disrespectful- even more so that she now knows that I know about the A and i'm not doing anything about it. Aside from the confrontation about the A- I resolved to respond to my wife with love and respect. But she's so immersed in this A. Like R2C or AS said, at this point there are no boundaries to put in place- it's either separation or D.
I've spoken to a L today, and there are no legal ramifications if my W and I decided to both leave our rental home. It would just be an agreement between two spouses to live apart from each other. We would agree on a parenting plan (how to share time with our son) and find our own places to live. The more I see how my W is interacting with the OW- the more I see that she needs to live her life without me. She needs to live out her fantasy with the OW. When the feelings of limerence dissipate, I may or may not be here for her if she wants to come back home. In the meantime, I'm going to be working on myself and making sure my son is happy.
