From Replay To Depressiom

[Faith4fu]

Thanks for the reply Gerda.

I live in CT. Luckily the needs of the kids are a big concern in most d's.

Also, a relative is my attorney. She is making sure my kids are protected.

Rn I feel I have completely let go of W. I continue to hold out hope that she will come around before D is finalized which will be at some point in August of 2020.

I know that she is still in replay but her reaction to having her plans basically crushed yesterday was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I am seeing signs of the first awakening. Ea is still in picture so I know she's not there yet.

One of the things I'm learning as I work the 12 steps of recovery is that I can only live one day at a time. I try to do that. Also, God has already proven that the more I trust and depend on Him the better my life becomes.

[DnJ]

Hello F

You are doing well, keep moving forward.

I feel I have completely let go of W. I continue to hold out hope that she will come around before D is finalized which will be at some point in August of 2020.

This is good.

Continue to let go.

It is good to have hope. Please be careful with expectations - hope with a time frame or deadline. Have hope that she will come around. That’s it. Her hopeful awakening needs to not be tied to August 2020. Keep expectations at zero.

If you are hoping for something to happen by August 2020. As you get closer and closer; and if you haven’t seen the progress you expected, resentment will start to build more and more. That will snuff out your hope and have a detrimental affect on any positive that may have been happening unnoticed.

You have the gift of time, use it wisely. Leave the unknown future to be revealed as it happens. August is a ways off, and lots is possible between now and then. I wouldn’t expect a D either. Be prepared for sure, just remember lots could happen; and there are plenty of stories of the MLCer dropping the divorce.

One of the things I'm learning as I work the 12 steps of recovery is that I can only live one day at a time. I try to do that. Also, God has already proven that the more I trust and depend on Him the better my life becomes.

Nice to read.

Have faith and stay strong. You got this.

DnJ

[Faith4fu]

Thanks DnJ.

Your explanation of hope vs expectations makes sense. I will try to stick with hope.

She didn't go to work last night so she was at the house in the morning. We were both doing stuff in the kitchen at the same time. We didn't say anything to each other but we stayed out of each other's way.

I continue to try and do nice things for her without over doing it. My aa sponser tells me to be careful with the kind gestures. They may be taken as me trying to rub her face in what happened at court on Tues.

Also, I am still wearing my ring. Should I continue too?

[DnJ]

Hello F

I’m glad the hope/expectations idea resonates with you. I wrote a bigger post somewhere in my past thread, this just the surface. I could probably find a link if you liked; there is a lot to sort through.

As for wedding ring. It’s a personal decision with no clear and best way.

Wearing it could show you’re ok with being plan B. It could also indicate that you are ok with her behaviour. Removing ring lets her taste some feelings of you letting go.

Point is those are attempting to influence her thoughts and feelings. She is irrational and you cannot predict her response, and her response will change anyhow - sometimes hour to hour or quicker.

Decide on the ring based on your feelings and wants.

I know you are looking for advice, I’ve been there. Know that whatever you do won’t have much affect on her.

I would, and did, remove the ring. Pushing back denial and letting go are big steps along the LBS path, this can help.

You can still stand, care, and be kind and compassionate without wearing a ring. And if decide to continue to wear your ring (or put it back on) that is totally fine too.

DnJ

[Faith4fu]

Yes, DnJ if you can find it I would like to read it. Thanks!

[Faith4fu]

I just wanted to share some updates from the past week. I got a new job. It's still b2b sales but my territory is much closer to home. I will be able to spend more time with the kids. Also, I am talking to supervisor at PT job about cutting back hours I January and still being able to get health ins. Things seem to have taken a positive turn financially.

I'm still very confused about w's calmness. Her plans for the immediate future were crushed this past week. I thought this was going to lead to unending angry spewing. It's actually weird.

I'm still confused about why she wanted custody of the kids unless she has started reconnecting with them. Ea is still in picture... Can she be trying to reconnect with them?

She made her homemade Mac and cheese... She knows that is my favorite food.

I'm still debating whether to take my ring off.

Thank you all for your support. I hope to be able to give back one day.

[DnJ]

Hello F

Nice to hear about your new job, and being closer to home.

It is strange when the MLCer becomes calm. W could be silently stewing about something, could be actually processing some thoughts, could be regrouping after a crushing defeat, or any other of many theories. Do what you’ve been doing and let her be and keep moving forward. Behave like a nice roommate and keep keeping things civil.

I dug up my post on wishes/hope/expectation.

Hope & Expectations

Hope you like it.

DnJ

[Faith4fu]

I also discovered this past weekend that w is listening to sermons from a church she used to attend before we met. The sermons are a step in the right direction I think. Just a year to 6 months ago she was cursing God for all the bad things He had done to her.

I know that I have to GAL and stop paying attention to all of these little signs. I have been living my own life I'm just wondering what reconnection is going to look like. I don't want to be so busy doing my own thing that I completely miss attempts at reconnection.

[Faith4fu]

Thanks DnJ. I started going through the post you sent. I appreciate it.

So, w has not filed any of her required paperwork for D. It seems she is out of money and can't pay her lawyer or she is reconsidering.

She made dinner again tonight.

[DnJ]

Good Morning F

It is not surprising she hasn’t got her required paperwork together. MLCer have minds like Swiss cheese, full of holes. They start and stop things, remember then forget, and seem to live in their past; stuck and hopefully working through whatever they need too.

And yes, money is an issue. They usually are terrible at managing money. Imagine a 15 year old trying to run the life of an adult - bills, mortgage, car loan, insurance, electricity, phone, TV, heat, etc... Then add on employment, and the desire to not work because life is passing them by and they want to have fun not be stuck 9-5.

My XW quit two permanent jobs at the hospital, jobs with benefits, pension, security, and so on - things that aren’t important when one is a teenager and going to live forever. She actually used the reason for quitting because she wanted to be able to come and go as she pleased, do other things when she felt like it, so she took up mowing grass, just like a teenager. Even applied at the student job bank and took over most of the town contracts. Hardly anything left for real teens looking for a few bucks.

I wouldn’t get to worried about missing her possible attempts at reconciliation. Like everything else it has starts and stops, touch and go encounters. True reconciliation, the time she is really ready, you won’t miss.

Walk your path, leave her to her’s. Be kind and keep the lines of communication open. She will have a safe place to land and, if it is to be, she will reach back to you.

Did you compliment her on dinner? Pretty sure you would. Being kind and giving small bits of sincere acknowledgement of her actions is a good thing. No pressure, not attempting to change her, just praise for a good thing. And of course don’t over do it.

You are doing well.

DnJ