Separated Scout 2

[scout12]

Thanks job, I have created a thread over there. Looking forward to getting to know the MLC crew. Should I keep posting here as well?

[scout12]

I know I’ll get reamed for this horrible, horrible, horrible exchange with H tonight at kid handover. I can’t handle this emotional abuse anymore. Gaslighting and projecting and blaming me for everything. I know it's his guilty conscience talking but it's so hard to cop it all and stay calm.

He said he would send me an email about his Christmas plans with S1.5, then proceeded to explain the plans anyway. I said please send it in an email and I will review it. He kept talking and mentioned an overnight weekend. I said, you don’t have overnights with S1.5. He got defensive saying I agreed he could have overnights for special occasions. I said oh yes, I did. Send me your email and I’ll review it.

He then said why are you such a bitch to me?

RECORD SCRATCH

Hold up, what? I should have ended it right there but I got sucked in. It’s been a while since he has spewed at me. Tonight I heard:

- You’re nice in emails and messages but a bitch in person (I replied I’m sorry you feel that way)
- (I asked him to please show me respect in my house) It’s not your house until I get my settlement money
- You’re just in my family group chat to keep tabs on me (I stayed out of guilt that his family would hate me for not sharing pics of S)
- Be honest about your motives for taking full custody of S, it’s to punish me for leaving (I said I did not choose to be a single parent but it’s in S’s best interest due to his young age and this view is shared by family law courts)
- (I asked him not to message his GF in my house) I left because you controlled me and you’re still doing it, I have the right to do whatever I want whenever I want

I sat down and said nothing. He calmed down and opened up about feeling like he’s missing out on time with S. I listened without interrupting. When he finished I said it sounds like that makes you feel sad, and he said yes it does. I said I can understand why you feel like that, it must be hard for you. He said he is working all these hours to earn all this money to give HIMSELF the life he wants. He then added as an afterthought that he can give S1.5 the things he wants too.

I could literally feel my love draining away as he spoke. I watched him speak and thought how hateful and ugly he was inside. I don’t really care that I contributed to this exchange. He is a vapid, nasty bully.

So, I acted on my emotions. I said no, he is actually taking away the life that S1.5 deserves. He thought about it for a minute and said I know I’m not acting in S1.5’s best interest but I have to do what’s best for me.

I think that was the end for me. To hear he knows he is making his son’s life worse and is choosing to do it anyway. Without a shred of shame or regret.

There is no marriage left to save. Or worth saving.

No contact from here on out on my part. Save myself.

[Jim1234]

Scout, a few things in your last post jump out at me, and primarily your statements saying this is the end for you,and there is no mariage left to save.....

The first is the family group where you share photos. Can I suggest you tell his family that your belonging to his family's group chat is causing conflict between the two of you, so because you don't want to cut them off from S, you are starting up another group where you can continue to post S's pictures, and they are all invited?

Second, when he said "I know I’m not acting in S1.5’s best interest but I have to do what’s best for me," and "I have the right to do whatever I want whenever I want", was your opportunity to mention that's exactly why "it’s in S’s best interest" for you to retain full custody.

If you are such a bitch in person, he should leap at the opportunity to deal with you exclusively via email. He's rewriting history to suit his narrative, because you're not a bitch, you are a responsible adult who is holding him accountable for his own actions.

Lastly, I'd be cautious regarding this being the end for you. I can't tell you how many times I said "I'm done." Don't act on it right now. Wait a week or two, and see if you still feel the same way, and if you do, then you're right, you're done, and act on it then..

[job]

scout,

You can post wherever you like.

[DS9]

The legal separation is progressing. I should have pre-approval for my mortgage refi soon which will give me the confidence to file the consent order.

Ran into somewhat of a sticky situation with S1.5's daycare. They informed me that on H's morning he often drops him off very late, which causes disruption to the class when they are engaged in activities/lunch/nap. Also, a late arrival without notification counts as an absence, which negatively affects my subsidised fees. H doesn't contribute to said fees so it doesn't affect him.

Good luck on the pre approval. Just bear in mind you may have a time limit with the bank to progress the refi after that. Usually 60-90 days but check with your broker. You dont want to file the Orders in 2 or 3 months time now and find the pre approval has expired in that time. I assume you checked if there's any break fee?

With daycare, why not give them authority to communicate these issues to H direct, and have them contact him direct to discuss disruption and liaise times for drop offs, and/or, ask them to give some latitude to you for the deemed absence issue.

[may22]

Hi Scout,
Sounds to me like you handled that situation well, not badly at all. You listened, you validated as needed, and he actually calmed down and opened up. The fact that he was thoughtful and acknowledged that he's acting in his own self-interest, not S1.5's, seems like a pretty big step on his part and a huge shift from the beginning of the conversation where he was just trying to justify his own sh**tty behavior because you were "being a bitch". (So cliche, by the way. Cue eyeball roll.) I know it has been hard for you to be calm in those situations and it sounds like you really did well, maybe you said something at the end that came from emotion but whatever. You learned something in the process (he acknowledged his selfishness) and use that to help you continue to detach.
You're amazing. Keep it up.

[scout12]

I've been posting over on MLC with some more philosophical musings but thought I'd update here as well.

H actually messaged me from the car immediately after that last conversation to say he was messaging his parents, not OW, and it was the principle that matters, ie. I have no right to tell him who he can or can't message. He is right, of course, but if I catch him doing it in front of me, I can ask him to leave my house.

H's self-righteousness and appeal to integrity, after all he's said and done, made me see red! I waited until the next morning to ensure I had calmed down enough to make the decision to reply thus:

"Thanks for that. You called your son's mother a bitch in front of him. You gave your word on your son's life knowing it was a lie. You admitted you don't have your son's best interests at heart. You betrayed and abandoned your marriage and family. Your actions have been morally bankrupt and I'm not the only one who thinks so. Let's not make a stand about principles, ok? I'm happy to pretend yesterday didn't happen if that would make you happy. Have a good day, H."

Probably not good DB-ing, but I don't regret it at all. He didn't respond, of course.

Next update, I found out that OW is one of H's employees - a 21yo (he's 29). He doesn't know that I know who she is. I'm not giving her any thought, but his betrayal is amplified because I know her and she has spent time with us as a family in social settings. Funnily enough, I thought she was a rude brat when I met her! And have since found out that she is not well-liked at work, except by H, obviously he's her manager, so he's on thin ice there, ethically.

I made the decision to conduct kid handovers at the front door to avoid getting sucked into any kind of conversation. The only time he comes in the house is when he spends time with S1 one morning a week, and I simply say hi/goodbye and leave for work. Right now, I am basically no contact with the exception of pleasantries at the front door twice a week. It's working well for me so far.

Final update, H sent me an email with a list of dates he was unavailable over Christmas and a request for alternates days. He wanted to take S1 away for a family Christmas weekend including his first overnight away from me. Finally, he wanted to see S1 on Christmas.

I replied and agreed to the alternate days. Agreed to the overnight but asked to limit it to 24 hours away from home rather than the requested 48 because S1 has not been away from me/home overnight before. Finally, I said had plans with my family on Christmas Day, but he could have the equivalent time on Boxing Day.

As an aside, I mentioned that I was under no obligation to accommodate changes to the current schedule so his gratitude would be appreciated. The next morning I felt that this came on a little strong, so I clarified and apologised for any confusion.

His reply was cordial, which was a relief as I was expecting rage and blame for the things I didn't agree to. I agreed to compromise on the overnight weekend to suit his family's plans. To date, he has not followed up with any acknowledgement.

So, that's where things currently stand. He will be served legal separation papers sometime in the next week or so. I'm keen to get that finalised to ensure S1 and I are protected.

The discussions I've been having on the MLC board are making me revisit our complete history. It's been eye-opening to see all the red flags I ignored. It gives further weight to my 'done' feelings, but I'm just sitting with those feelings for now. Other than the legal separation, I'm doing absolutely nothing except GAL and continuing my journey of self-improvement.

[LovingIt]

Is this a small or large company?

If it's a direct manager - employee relationship, why don't you expose them at work? Most places that's a fireable offense due to conflict of interest.

I mean it might hurt you and the family too, since he will be without a job.

[scout12]

Is this a small or large company?

If it's a direct manager - employee relationship, why don't you expose them at work? Most places that's a fireable offense due to conflict of interest.

I mean it might hurt you and the family too, since he will be without a job.

Large company. Several of his other employees are aware of the affair. I'm good friends with one of them. They have been considering reporting it to the internal tip line because of the blatant favouritism and special treatment OW has been receiving from H as her manager.

I don't know. I feel like exposing it is the nuclear option? I was considering telling him that I know and giving him the chance to come clean to our parents and his workplace. But that feels dirty, like blackmail.

[DS9]

Hey Scout,

Sorry you went through all this again. In all the circumstances, and despite not keeping strictly DB as you pointed out, I think you showed remarkable restraint. Seeing red is totally understandable - you just gotta remember the mantra before reacting though - "calm, calm, calm". It saw me through some tight spots and name calling too ('Money hungry c#nt' and "F#$ckin hate you" were the worst, but back then, I had no idea about boundary setting).

The name calling is not on, as you know. Speak to your L about inserting a non-denigration clause in your Orders. Check the boundaries sticky too, so you can give him one with name calling if it happens again. R2C has the best ones, IMHO.

As an aside, I mentioned that I was under no obligation to accommodate changes to the current schedule so his gratitude would be appreciated. The next morning I felt that this came on a little strong, so I clarified and apologised for any confusion.

Maybe avoid apologising if he didn't raise an issue with it - you want to avoid bidding against yourself.

Whilst Lovingits suggestion is tempting, with greatest respect to LI, avoid it. If he does get fired, think how that may impact child support and the future needs factors in your prop settlement.

I

I'm doing absolutely nothing except GAL and continuing my journey of self-improvement.

Nice. My GAL is going to be the beach soon. Isn't it getting hot over here in Oz isnt it!