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A Message from Michele
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Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2871405
11/08/19 05:28 PM
11/08/19 05:28 PM
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phnix Offline OP
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phnix  Offline OP
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"LH19",
Yes, I have reread my posts several times. The more I read my own posts the more I feel like the only way to get my self-respect and power back is to file for D. She is very intelligent, manipulative, and has lied thousands of times. She did not admit the affair but rather tried to give me trickle truth to get me to leave throughout the summer. And by the way the trickle truth was all lies that involved infidelity with other men. Eventually I caught her and she was back with him the very next morning. Almost 2 months later I cornered her with proof from a message and she still denied it, so I told the OM's wife, and..... just last week i saw proof that she was continuing to talk with him after he was moved from his position at her work place.

I need to prepare for the worse and move forward.

Last edited by bballer1; 11/08/19 05:30 PM.
Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2871416
11/08/19 05:51 PM
11/08/19 05:51 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
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LH19 Offline
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LH19  Offline
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No you file for D when your done and its not for a reaction. When you realize that life is to short to but up with this bs.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.- Will Smith
Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2871419
11/08/19 06:07 PM
11/08/19 06:07 PM
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phnix Offline OP
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"LH19" - I understand what you are saying. I am slowly getting there but it will take me to fully find myself and know with all certainty what I want in my life. I need to put together my plan this weekend and re-evaluate what kind of life I want to have.

Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2871745
11/11/19 02:10 PM
11/11/19 02:10 PM
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phnix Offline OP
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The weekend went well. Was hard to get out and do anything as she was immobile and needed help with everything at home. She isn't able to move around due to the cut on her foot. I couldn't help it but had to make sure that her and the boys were ok, so I made sure I was available to help with things around the house.

I wasn't going to spend the usual "Sunday Dinner" with her family but her parents insisted and she can't drive due to her situation.

She suggested to me last night that she wants to go to counseling together. She has been seeking individual counseling as well. Do you guys recommend couples counseling if she is unwilling to commit to our marriage with 100% certainty? I have told her in the past that it wouldn't help if she wasn't willing to make a commitment to our marriage.

She claims she is afraid things will be like they were before, that she needs to understand why she would have done this, that she is slowly trying to work on things with me, and this is why she will not give a definite answer to committing to the marriage. I know that I have history and our long term marriage on my side. Counseling may help as I have noticed that she hasn't been suspicious, she has been more attentive, more affectionate, and caring about what is going on in my life and with my job.

What do you guys think about the counseling?

Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2871749
11/11/19 02:59 PM
11/11/19 02:59 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
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AnotherStander Offline
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Originally Posted by bballer1
She suggested to me last night that she wants to go to counseling together. She has been seeking individual counseling as well. Do you guys recommend couples counseling if she is unwilling to commit to our marriage with 100% certainty? I have told her in the past that it wouldn't help if she wasn't willing to make a commitment to our marriage.

She claims she is afraid things will be like they were before, that she needs to understand why she would have done this, that she is slowly trying to work on things with me, and this is why she will not give a definite answer to committing to the marriage. I know that I have history and our long term marriage on my side. Counseling may help as I have noticed that she hasn't been suspicious, she has been more attentive, more affectionate, and caring about what is going on in my life and with my job.

What do you guys think about the counseling?


A lot of times a WAS will use counseling to forward their agenda of ending the M, that's why we recommend against it. When we went to counseling after BD my XW was mostly kind of checked out until the C suggested a "trial separation", then XW was super into the idea and she was gone in a matter of weeks. So I learned the hard way that MC is usually a bad idea early on. It's also a form of pressure at a time the WAS wants zero pressure. In the end it's up to you, if you think it might help then go ahead and give it a try, but be ready to pull the plug if it goes poorly.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2871752
11/11/19 03:38 PM
11/11/19 03:38 PM
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phnix Offline OP
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"AS", This is exactly why I refused to do it a couple of months ago. During that time period I knew she was still in contact with the OM and being physical with him. Most good advice suggest that counseling is no good if they are in contact with the OM.

Recently she doesn't say anything about contacting the OM but I can put it together. She continues to talk to him because she CARES. She claims she feels guilty for his family and what they are going through with the divorce. She claims he doesn't have any close friends. All of this tells me that she continues the contact because she has strong feelings for him. I've also gathered that she somehow thinks it is ok as long as they are not being physical. Every detail I have discovered in the past has come to be true, every single detail!!!!! If I suspected something, guess what I was always right and I am talking about the 2 months I was in the dark. I know they are not being physical and I know that they still communicate but know where near as much as they once were doing.

Now her behavior over the past two weeks tells me she is trying but still confused. She hasn't given any indication that she is still in contact with him and she claims she has stopped. Do I believe this? NO I believe while at work due to her having more free time and working on her stuff at home that she is communicating with him during that time period. I have realized that she probably has some kind of "hidden agenda". She will also state that she will be the villain in all of this which suggest she wants to find the easiest way out or it suggest that she wants me to be the one to decide to file for divorce. I know that when I bring this up she gets frustrated. She doesn't like me asking for a commitment because she says I am pressuring her and she will not be pressured. She claims that her therapist told her I should be happy she has moved back to the bedroom and that she is making strides toward working on our marriage. I call this all BS!


I do not think counseling will work as long as she is still in contact with him.

Last edited by bballer1; 11/11/19 03:39 PM.
Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2871761
11/11/19 04:47 PM
11/11/19 04:47 PM
Joined: Apr 2017
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neffer Offline
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You are right. She must end contact.

Set boundaries. Main bedroom access is no sense...

Keep DB


WW H(me): 49
W: 45
T: 25 M: 20
S: 15
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2871765
11/11/19 05:17 PM
11/11/19 05:17 PM
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phnix Offline OP
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phnix  Offline OP
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Well she even mentioned herself that the counseling would be good for us regardless of whether our relationship survived or not. This simply implies that she is not 100% into making this marriage work. Anytime there has been a betrayal this big there has to be total commitment from both parties to overcome it.

To honestly be able to say that implies that she has another agenda set aside for the counseling. Of course, she hasn't been quick to suggest who or where we should go. I'd probably suspect that if I didn't schedule the counseling then it will not happen.

Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2871776
11/11/19 06:36 PM
11/11/19 06:36 PM
Joined: Apr 2017
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neffer Offline
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Have your own agenda: GAL, detach and keep working on yourself BB.

You must keep DB


WW H(me): 49
W: 45
T: 25 M: 20
S: 15
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2871785
11/11/19 07:20 PM
11/11/19 07:20 PM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,220
Missouruh
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ovrrnbw Offline
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Missouruh
I would ask her if she is done with OM and committed to fixing the marriage. If the answer is not a 100% sure yes, then I wouldn't attend counseling.

Let her bring it up though, don't go knocking her door down to figure this out.


H 33
W 28
BD 3/12/18

Married 3 years
Together 7 years

Working on the R and on me - Spring 19
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