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Originally Posted by DaB35
So what happens if she comes back with
Lets just deal with what she does text.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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DaB35 Offline OP
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I know this all shouldn't bother me, but I really hate it all.
Worst year of my life but also hte best in some respects as I'm finally turning things around, but at the same time I feel W is totally closed off to me. I just have to sit out the storm and see what is on the other side.

I will just continue to have my picnic outside W's castle and keep the lighthouse going in the background.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
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DaB35 Offline OP
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MIni Journal

At this stage it feels like W's castle has absolutely no windows at all, let alone a raised drawbridge. At least she is not throwing things at me anymore. She is absolutely NC unless necessary.

I feel like we should be talking more, but I don't want to reach out deliberately. I must stay detached and maintain that. I would like her to see what she is missing eventually, although that is not my main goal as I improve myself.

My resolve - still have my picnic outside and continue to keep the PMA up.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Had a nice GAL day today - good gig and had quite a bit of downtime so got some work done in the gaps when I wasn't needed. There were people in my section that I hadn't met before so I forced myself to talk to them - I wouldn't normally and would shy away and deliberately not be talkative. It was good and not the horrible ordeal I thought it would be. The five of us went to dinner in a Greek restaurant near where we were playing; I tried a few things I wouldn't normally try so it was good for me to branch out. smile

W contacted me by text in the afternoon saying the estate agent has recommended we drop the sale price by 2%. She asked if I could confirm this by email. I just said, "Thanks for letting me know. I'll email when I get in tonight." She replied "OK Thanks." I emailed the estate agent and CC'd W in to prove I did send it.

Recognised someone else in the orchestra - he's an acquaintance of W's too. I know they met up in August (as friends - he's in a R with another woman already) to go to a concert, as W told me. He didn't mention W at all, just asked how I was. I said good and that I was keeping myself busy. We had a few jokes and then talked about the concert etc. Was nice not to bring W up in conversation.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
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DaB35 Offline OP
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GAL for today was gym (including a rather brutal cycling class lol), clear out wardrobe, clean parents' house, bit of work, reading, YouTube session listening to music and analyses/critiques of certain songs (well, I find it interesting!) and relaxing TV this evening. Not a bad day really, just got on with stuff.

I still find mornings the hardest. Night time is easy; I read or watch TV, do some deep breathing exercises, and then fall asleep. Fine. During the day is ok as I'm now busying myself more often and am used to it. Mornings are hard as I wake up and W still pops into my head. I think about her but I don't feel intense pain or loss. I miss her, but the intensity and pain of that has faded slightly.

It's strange. I feel like the last 8 years were a dream and I am not married and still single and living at my parents. Then I remember that I a wonderful connection with a brilliant woman for 8 years and she was everything to me. Now she hardly speaks to me. Her family and friends have literally ignored me for 6 months.

Just a thought to cast out here:
My regret was that I moved out. She asked for space and I gave it to her. I should have stayed and talked, but then at the time I was unaware of this site/forum so would not have had a clue how to deal with everything. I wouldn't be validating or have analysed myself enough in IC.

I've said before that it appears we have both distanced ourselves from each other, rather than just her ordering me out the house and I'm detached physically from her. She is WAW and I am LBH but I was also WH to a degree.
I wonder if I need to be concerned about doing anything more than simply GAL and improving my own self-esteem (much higher now); should I continue to not reach out to W unless I absolutely need to?

I have no idea if she is missing me. I guess I'm just asking for re-assurance that everything I've done up to now has been right. I think the D will go through. She has not spoken about R or our MR at all, for months now. She has seemingly switched off her love for me within a matter of days, but I can't see how anyone can do that when we've been through so much happiness together.

I will keep enjoying my picnic...


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Feeling less good today.

The phrase "what a waste" comes to mind. W is just checked out from me and us. I am angry at her for not wanting to try and make things work. She is quite a lazy person sometimes and would rather not do something if it made her life easier. I'm sad that she doesn't feel compelled to fight for M.

She has asked me to pay the window repairers (emailed me the invoice). The money will come out of our joint account. I will pay this as it is a repair to the house which was necessary as it's for sale still.

I need to pay for the financials consent order this week. It looks like I get a few basic questions about the two of us, and then they ask for our agreements/etc. It is done on the basis that we have already agreed what to do, which we have. It makes it all the more real. I'm not sure if this means we will need to see each other again before the court order is finalised.

Feeling a bit down and annoyed.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 473
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Hey Dan sorry youíre feeling down mate. Itís a roller coaster isnít it.

Absolutely donít reach out to her unless absolutely warranted or she initiates. Keep dB stay the course m

I think if youíd have stayed and talked would she have wanted to talk? Probably not.

Good on you for deciding to go with consent orders

Keep up the gym work and smashing those castanets!


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Thanks DS - I was worried I might be appearing too cold to her or that by not contacting her very often it gives the impression that I'm 'done' with her. When in reality I want to fight and have hope still.

When I was at the house on Friday evening, I noticed some paperwork for a little cottage in the next village near our house. £165,000. She won't be able to afford that unless her parents give her almost £50,000 and she gets the absolute maximum mortgage possible (in the UK it's roughly 4 times your salary). Thought that was interesting. I probably should not have snooped, but it was in a pile of letters on the dining table which is where the mail goes and I only wanted to see if I had any mail for myself.

You're right, if I stayed, she would have probably just shouted at me, made us go round in circles etc. And at the time I wouldn't be validating or anything DB-tastic, so it'd have been a waste of my time as I'd just be defending, not listening DB-style, and I would have pushed her away further more quickly.

So - I think the best course for me is to keep improving myself and do everything well. That way, when/if she next sees me, she'll see that I've really turned myself around and done a lot of soul-searching and work. Perhaps then she'll have second thoughts. But by that point, maybe I'll have moved on, I don't know. Hard to say of course, but I want to have a chance to show her the new me. I stress I am not just doing everything for her benefit. It is only for my benefit and others are noticing gradually too.

I'm sad that she has been influenced by others during this process, and appears to have gone with her emotions without much reasoning. I know her sister and friend have really driven this and given her the "you're amazing and you'll be ok" talk.

I guess I just keep inviting my friends and family to my picnic then, and keep going?

Actually, I haven't done castanet practice for a couple of weeks - been too busy! I'll make time this week!


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
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Originally Posted by DaB35
At this stage it feels like W's castle has absolutely no windows at all, let alone a raised drawbridge. At least she is not throwing things at me anymore. She is absolutely NC unless necessary.

I feel like we should be talking more, but I don't want to reach out deliberately.


If she's NC then stay NC. NC "feels" like the wrong thing to do but it is actually very helpful for the WAS. When the LBS can remove themselves from the equation it helps the WAS to sort out their feelings and realize that maybe the LBS isn't the cause of all the bad things in their life after all.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Nice point, AS, thanks.

Like I say we are not trading insults or being horrible to one another. I'm certainly not bad mouthing her to all and sundry (no idea what she's saying though, but I've decided not to worry about that anymore). I am saying that I'm sad she wanted to end it so quickly and didn't want to at least try.

I've told some of my family that I am upset she shamed me by telling practically everyone we both know near where we live what I did in varying degrees of detail, from just saying "he cheated on me" to full blown showing them screenshots of my online activity plus screenshots of the online chats.

However, my IC has said that now the activity is out, there is no more shame since there's nothing for me to be secretive about. It has been liberating certainly in a weird way. Made it easier to move away from that stuff. She said she didn't believe I could do it cold turkey, but I did.

I'm definitely not the cause of everything bad in her life. She is such an emotional person - sometimes I found her quite difficult at times. Her upbringing and family dynamic has something to do with it too. We were way too opposite in those respects: she was extremely heart-on-sleeve, emotionally reactive, whereas I was introverted and logical and I never have arguments with my sister - we see eye to eye on basically everything.
I'm addressing why I couldn't be vulnerable to her and open up - a real shame I couldn't. But we were so well matched in so many other respects. That is why my sister feels so sad; she couldn't see why W wouldn't weigh up everything and see that it was worth fighting for.

If she does bring anything up, I can at least tell her why I felt I couldn't speak out as I've discussed that now in IC.

Last edited by DaB35; 11/11/19 05:00 PM.

Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
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