Sorry to hear your H has dragged you through another s@#t storm again. In reading your reactions and thoughts, I have very, very similar tendencies to you. As KML sagely points out, it will almost invariably be something to do with your childhood. I'd recommend looking at videos on internal family systems. There's an English guy who does very good ones.
I won't say what I thought of H's reaction to your call for help when your S was sick and you were too. If it's any comfort, I'm surprised you're not the WAS. If this type of incident happens again, galnce into your H's eyes when he is talking. If he has shark eyes, or soemthing is there you dont recognise, back away and end the conversation and get out of there. I say this because when my XW monstered me, I noticed her eyes became very different (malevolent almost), and I knew if they were like that, I could do or say nothing (and I mean nothing) to stop her monster. Just remember 'calm, calm, calm' over and over.
Glad to hear you're doing things your way at home and decorating the way you want.
Based on what you've written with recent developments, it may be time to speak to your lawyer about setting out interim parenting arrangements in writing between lawyers, pending orders. I would strongly, strongly suggest getting advice before discussing/committing to those xmas time spent requests of H, and maybe get advice to on ongoing parenting discussions/negotiations to be between you both by lawyer to lawyer only. The toxicity in the last changeover is troubling.
I'd look at speaking to your lawyer about a neutral changeover venue too, wit perhaps a 3rd party present. Familiarise yourself with section 60CC of the Family Law Act. Read all the parenting brochures and fact sheets on the Fam Court website.
Keep us posted and good luck Scout. Cheers DS
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Where does this come from? What is your family of origin like? Is there someone in your childhood who mistreated you? Often there is a clue in people's childhood as to why they would take the word of a unstable spouse over their own knowledge of self. You will need to work this out in order to be attracted to healthy partners in the future.
I'll address this since both kml and DS asked about it. Bit unusual, but here it is. I was a competitive swimmer until the age of 18. My coach developed me from a naturally talented 9yo into a national medal winner at 15yo. As I advanced through the ranks, he became arrogant and obsessed with the celebrity that came from my performance. He pushed me beyond my physical limits in the pursuit of glory and began to deceive me mentally during training. Like giving me the main set, which I would complete, then informing me it was actually a warm-up set, and an even harder main was to follow. I would get out of the pool and hide in the toilets crying during every session. When I became injured from over-exertion, he told me I was faking it for attention, and pushed me harder. Even when I had a letter from my physio explaining the injury and required treatment. His lack of faith completely destroyed my trust in him and devastated me emotionally. Eventually he left for a new swim club when he saw I wasn't going to hit those Olympic goals. Years later I would have dreams in which he attempted to speak to me and I would scream "You don't get to talk to me any more." I worked through all of this in therapy years ago, but if I had to guess, this was the defining series of events which shaped the way I interact and react to these kind of situations.
Based on what you've written with recent developments, it may be time to speak to your lawyer about setting out interim parenting arrangements in writing between lawyers, pending orders. I would strongly, strongly suggest getting advice before discussing/committing to those xmas time spent requests of H, and maybe get advice to on ongoing parenting discussions/negotiations to be between you both by lawyer to lawyer only. The toxicity in the last changeover is troubling.
Hey again DS.
H should be receiving the consent orders for review in the next week. I'm not waiting for refi approval any more. My solicitor said the orders likely won't be final with the court until Jan/Feb, and that's if he signs straight away. She actually advocated for a non-binding parenting plan to be filed with the orders due to S's age and likelihood that the arrangements will change between now and when he starts school. She advised at that time to file new orders with a legally enforceable custody arrangement.
I don't think he has a lawyer so how would that work?
Thanks for sharing the swimming situation you suffered - that was very brave. This may be something you choose to share with your current IC as well. Sometimes there's things in our childhood too we 'forgot', which can be brought out and looked at. It happened to me. It's good to know about these things, but when it comes it's hard to face, and very hard to address.
Have you told you L about all the stuff you're enduring with H, particulalry viz parenting?
I filed our Consent Orders in the Magistrates Court (COurt of Summary Jurisdiction). Not sure what state you're in, but I'm sure you'd have some derivative of the Magistrates Court. Mine took about 2 weeks to be made and sealed. Ask your lawyer about options for filing jurisdcitions.
If he doesnt have a lawyer then your L would write to him direct.
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Wow - so sorry about the situation with the abusive coach. Where were your parents in all this?
Often - perversely - we subconsciously pick partners as adults who reproduce that childhood trauma, so as to try to work through it with them. Can you see any ways in which your H resembled your coach?
(An example - my good friend lost her mom in childhood, and her father quickly remarried a younger woman. My friend had been the center of her father’s world and attention until she “lost him” to his new, and somewhat sexually inappropriate bride. As an adult, my friend fell in love with a married man who was trying to have an open marriage. Eventually he left his wife for my friend [ I believe his wife grew tired of the arrangement although she’d gone along with it at first]. This man was the “great love” of my friend’s life even though he had many flaws and cheated on her too eventually. Emotionally she had “won her dad away from his wife” and “healed” that wound from her childhood.
Nowadays, as an older, wiser adult, she knows she has to avoid relationships that are triangulated like that and understands how that’s rooted in her childhood. )
The challenge will be to keep your trauma about the coach separate from your interactions with your H. What’s happening with him is bad enough on its own, you don’t need to amplify it by piling on the old pain from the coach. And quite frankly, your H deserves responsibility for his own actions but doesn’t deserve to pay for the coach’s actions too.
And developing heightened awareness about the ways in which the coach experience carried over into your adult life may help prevent you from picking another inappropriate partner in the future, even if you’re attracted to them because of this primal wound.
(Examples of ways in which your experience with the coach might be affecting your choices in men: - feeling comfortable with a man who is critical or abusive and “not being attracted” to the nice guys who love you with all your flaws.
- choosing a man who is controlling because that feels familiar to the coaching relationship
- choosing a man who doesn’t treat you as an equal
- choosing a narcissist who only values you so long as you make him look good (they can be very charming at first and make you feel great, until god forbid you gain weight or become ill or in some other way fail to feed their image and ego)
- choosing a man who is likely to abandon you as the coach did, subconsciously reproducing that trauma
- putting up with bad behavior in the relationship out of fear of abandonment
your childhood may have set you up for the swim coach abuse issue and yes very brave to share
What I have noticed is most of my issues came from my early childhood and continued in different forms into teenage years and adulthood and Marriage but for me everything started young like age 2 and under Thats where we get set up with our belief system
This inner child work takes time and energy..go at your own pace..
you are still dealing with you H and once you get this part down you can diver deeper into your past if you want to heal deeper and yes this will help you in any future relationships It will also help your child grow up healthier without the issues thjat held us back one day at a time
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thanks all for the insights regarding childhood trauma. I hadn't really connected what happened to me then to what's happened to me now. My parents separated when I was 11, and my father was an absent/ineffectual parent. Our relationship is fine now and improving as I get older. I'm sure that had its effects too. As to the abusive coach situation, I was extremely stubborn and committed to my Olympic goal and wasn't going to let this man get in my way. My mother trusted my judgement. Neither of us realised the damage until much later.
Originally Posted by kml
(Examples of ways in which your experience with the coach might be affecting your choices in men: - feeling comfortable with a man who is critical or abusive and “not being attracted” to the nice guys who love you with all your flaws.
- choosing a man who is controlling because that feels familiar to the coaching relationship
- choosing a man who doesn’t treat you as an equal
- choosing a narcissist who only values you so long as you make him look good (they can be very charming at first and make you feel great, until god forbid you gain weight or become ill or in some other way fail to feed their image and ego)
- choosing a man who is likely to abandon you as the coach did, subconsciously reproducing that trauma
- putting up with bad behavior in the relationship out of fear of abandonment
I know I'm posting a lot at the moment, just trying to get it all out. I will start reading and contributing to other threads too.
I've become good friends with a woman around my age who works with H. He is a store manager, she's the assistant manager. When I confided in her that I suspected the OW was a 21yo casual employee of his, she agreed and said it is a badly-kept secret around the store.
OW has worked with H for two years and their relationship became noticeably suspicious - to the point where other employees commented on it - just prior to BD when they attended a work party together. My friend said that their relationship since BD has been very inappropriate - locked door meetings, favouritism and special treatment, messaging each other when he's in the office and she's on the shop floor. She said that a number of employees are ready to file a complaint with HR over it. H is on thin ice here. He could lose his job because of the imbalance of power between their positions/ages.
I met this 21yo at a work function a few months before BD. I has brought S1 along to support H. I immediately disliked her. I thought she was fake, snotty, rude, and bratty. (My friend said her nickname is Sourpuss at work and she is not well-liked. H's nickname is Teflon. What a pair!) She was there with her long-term partner who she dumped just prior to H's BD. It's a relief to finally connect all the dots, as cliche as it is.
I'm not threatened by her at all; in fact it's almost laughable. I'm a 31yo university-educated professional woman with a six-figure salary, a mortgage, and a child. She can't compete with me.
H doesn't know that I know who the OW is. While I don't give a fig about her, I'm struggling with my feelings about H. I'm finding it very hard to look him in the face or feel anything other than disgust. I'm pretty good at faking it in written communication, but until I can control my emotions in his presence, I need to be NC. I'm pretty detached from the outcome of this situation and I don't really care if NC helps or harms our relationship at this point. NC is to protect myself.
Sidenote: My friend also said that up until a few weeks ago, H was actively deceiving his employees by making up stories about doing family activities with S1 and I on the weekends as if everything was peachy. He stopped wearing his wedding ring the night of BD and his employees had all heard through the grapevine that he had left me, plus the obvious relationship with OW. As a result, they have completely lost any respect or trust in him due to his lying, deceitful behaviour.
