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Sending this email sent me into a anxious crying fit. I've internalised so much of the garbage he's spewed at me about being controlling, mean, cold etc, that I have absolutely no confidence in my own integrity. He told me he doesn't trust my motives when it comes to S, which I KNOW is absolute rubbish and the kind of thing a person who is used to operating under ulterior motives would say. He hasn't responded and I can't seem to calm down knowing what kind of response I will probably get.


Where does this come from? What is your family of origin like? Is there someone in your childhood who mistreated you? Often there is a clue in people's childhood as to why they would take the word of a unstable spouse over their own knowledge of self. You will need to work this out in order to be attracted to healthy partners in the future.

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It makes me incredibly sad that enforcing boundaries just adds fuel to the fire he has raging at me. It's clear he doesn't understand that consequences =/= punishment. I just feel like this is putting nails into the coffin of our marriage. If I give in to his manipulation and demands, he will be happier with me and around me, and perhaps reconsider whether I'm worth leaving, but I will have compromised my integrity. If I enforce boundaries to protect myself and S, I'm pushing him further away by confirming that I'm exactly the bad person he says I am, but I will feel safer and happier in the long run.


In all the years I've been here, I've never seen anyone win their spouse back by being a doormat. I HAVE seen people lose their financial shirts because they thought appeasing their WAS would win them back, and then they ended up divorced with a terrible settlement. IF he's going to come back he'll come back, and is more likely if you've been strong but calm.

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Originally Posted by peacetoday
Hi

Sorry you find yourself here
Welcome to the land Of MLC


Thank you PT. As much as it stinks, I'm glad to have the help of people like yourself.

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the Mlcers will get a bit crazy during D time as he sees he is losing a lot
Most are also terrible parents and they will try to BLAME us for stuff and justify their choices because we did or did not do...
MLC is usually said to be caused by unresolved childhood trauma so maybe QLC is the same
Im not sure but it makes sense
if this is true then you will have little control over this situation and your H will have to figure out his own healing process or NOT..ands usually not


He laughed at the implication he was suffering in any way. Jokingly said "I don't have any childhood trauma." But he also said he is not 100% happy and is seeing a counsellor. I hope he figures it out eventually.


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I agreed to swap the unavailable weekends. I agreed to the weekend overnight, but said I'd be more comfortable with only 24 hours away from home as it's the first time away and he's not yet 2 years old. I said I had plans with S and my family on Christmas Day, but he was welcome to take him for the whole day on Boxing Day. I added that I hope he understands I'm under no obligation to accommodate changes to the current schedule so his gratitude is appreciated.


Everything is fine until the last sentence. Telling him to be grateful is A) pointless and B) likely to get him riled up. What's it's NOT likely to do is make him think "Yeah, she's being so nice, I appreciate that".

Don't engage in tugs of war. Be kind and take the high road. Don't be a doormat but it's ok to accommodate where you can IF it doesn't mess up your own plans too much.

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DnJ Online
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Hello scout

Originally Posted by scout12
He told me he doesn't trust my motives when it comes to S, which I KNOW is absolute rubbish and the kind of thing a person who is used to operating under ulterior motives would say. He hasn't responded and I can't seem to calm down knowing what kind of response I will probably get.

When he say things like - he doesn’t trust your motives - say “I’m sorry you feel that way”.

You don’t have ulterior motives, but he feels you do - so it’s not rubbish to him. Remember he is angry and justifying stuff with lies and half truths. So acknowledge his feelings with “I’m sorry you feel that way”.

Do keep expectations down to minimum. He may respond as you “expect”. He may ignore you. He may respond differently. I know how difficult it is to calm down. Breath and focus on you. Don’t worry about his response, deal with it when, or if, it arrives.

Originally Posted by scout12
It makes me incredibly sad that enforcing boundaries just adds fuel to the fire he has raging at me. It's clear he doesn't understand that consequences =/= punishment. I just feel like this is putting nails into the coffin of our marriage. If I give in to his manipulation and demands, he will be happier with me and around me, and perhaps reconsider whether I'm worth leaving, but I will have compromised my integrity. If I enforce boundaries to protect myself and S, I'm pushing him further away by confirming that I'm exactly the bad person he says I am, but I will feel safer and happier in the long run.

If you give in to his manipulations and demands, pretzel yourself, he will find new things to complain and blame you for. And then you can start all over again pretzeling.

He needs to look within himself. You cannot make him do that. Only he can make himself happy. That is not your job.

Boundaries are for you and son; stick to them. These are not manipulations to fix a marriage, they are protection against unhealthy behaviours, words, criticisms, etc.. from H that will hurt and/or debilitate you. Do not worry if it adds some fuel to his fire, you need the boundary, regardless of what he perceives - it is for you.

And, just so you know, from an emotionally stable guy - gals with integrity and self worth are very attractive and worth sticking around for. Do not sell yourself short, and that again has nothing to do with H. However, it may just cause him to take a second look and become interested in what and how you are doing so well. That would be a bonus, the real goal is you and your self worth.

All LBS get in a cycle and it takes some time to figure one’s way out of it. Listen to the hard earned wisdom of those who have gone before; this is a counterintuitive process. It does feel wrong at first, until you get it.

Focus on you and stay strong.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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You're right, kml. I was reacting to his demanding tone. I struggle very much with him making demands on our child's time after he abandoned us. There was one incident in the first couple of weeks after he walked out that S had tonsillitis and a seizure overnight. I was sick with strep throat and struggling to handle everything. I asked H if he could please come over and help me with S. He said a flat no. But then wanted to take him to the beach that weekend.

I need to work on being less reactionary. Issues concerning S are my biggest trigger point.


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And I agree with kml. All good, just loose the last sentence.

Stick to the high road, and strive for better not bitter.

Ah, it looks so easy when typed out. I know how hard it is. And I’m pretty sure you can do it.

I really like accommodating when you can. You may need him to accommodate sometime, and this might pave a way forward. Good job.


Feelings are fleeting.
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Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Hey DnJ. Thank you for your comments about the attractiveness of integrity and self-worth. I know you are right.

Originally Posted by DnJ


When he say things like - he doesn’t trust your motives - say “I’m sorry you feel that way”.

You don’t have ulterior motives, but he feels you do - so it’s not rubbish to him. Remember he is angry and justifying stuff with lies and half truths. So acknowledge his feelings with “I’m sorry you feel that way”.


This is hard for me. I've got to put down the sword defending myself. It just gives credence to his lies and turns half-truths into facts.

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If you give in to his manipulations and demands, pretzel yourself, he will find new things to complain and blame you for. And then you can start all over again pretzeling.


This is true. I feel he holds me to an impossible standard. I take the high road 99% of the time and there's no acknowledgement, then the 1% I slip up, show emotion, react badly, I'm crucified for it. It does my head in.

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All LBS get in a cycle and it takes some time to figure one’s way out of it. Listen to the hard earned wisdom of those who have gone before; this is a counterintuitive process. It does feel wrong at first, until you get it.


I definitely need all the advice I can get. It's been five months and I feel like I'm back at the beginning again.


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Originally Posted by scout12
I need to work on being less reactionary. Issues concerning S are my biggest trigger point.


I am reading an amazing book on healing from cluster B abuse. It's called, "Whole Again," by Jackson MacKenzie. I wish I had read it at the start of my stand. My H was not an abuser before MLC but he is definitely one now. This book is about how to discover and heal your wound, and it starts with being aware that your wound is in your body. I know the physical reaction you describe very well. It is very real. But it is in your body, not your mind as much. I really recommend you read this book so you can stop being hard on yourself for not doing DB right or not being where you want to be with your H. You are going through a trauma and it gets very hard to keep a clear head. You are also one flesh, and ripping one flesh in two is very painful. Your reaction to your H around your son is totally normally, and it is not normal for a 2-year old to be away from Mama overnight. So you are very right to try to limit the overnights as much as possible. You will feel really awful the night he is away, and that is the right response too, as painful as it is. You are a mom and you love your child and want to protect him from all pain. You may have to let your H take him but you never have to feel like this is a normal way to live. It isn't! You are here to help your child weather this storm, not pretend that we all love diving into a hurricane. Please read the book and forgive yourself! And when you are able to, go no contact. I wish I had done it years ago. You can't rationalize with your H, and he will be horrible to you for a long time to come. You have to cut off all communication that isn't necessary to protect yourself. I can see you spiraling just like i did, for many years. So here is a big hug from MLC-battle-scarred Gerda. ((((((Scout))))))))


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Gerda, thank you for your kind words of reassurance. I just ordered the book you mentioned.

Funny you mention no contact, as I have decided with the help of my psychologist this week to initiate NC. I had already been low contact/smart contact but I have a terrible habit of getting sucked into conversations, letting him pull the wool over my eyes and spin me around, and then shove me out into the blinding light with no clue how I got there!

Your comments on custody made me think. After an initial period of shock and disappointment, H's parents have made it clear they support their son, no matter what. Which is only fair and to be expected. But they have insinuated that the custody arrangement is unfair to H, which is beyond unfair to put back onto me when I didn't ask and would never choose to be a single parent. Again - consequences do not equal punishment. I willingly shouldered that burden because nothing is more important to me than S1's wellbeing. It's clear that the view in H's family now is that I'm keeping S1 away from him. I know I need to rise above this mistaken belief and keep proving that I am accommodating where possible and appropriate given S1's age. But it is very hard knowing that these people have suspicions about my character. It hurts my pride.

Kind of extrapolating on H's family dynamic here. Soon after he walked out, FIL was of the opinion that he just needed to sit him down and tell him to pull his head in. His reasons for leaving were so non-sensical and nobody could understand. MIL fell to pieces begging him not to do that, because she feared that H would cut them off altogether if confronted. How terrible to feel you can't be honest with your son because he holds that kind of power over your head. H is a very manipulative man.


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Hello scout

Originally Posted by scout12
This is hard for me. I've got to put down the sword defending myself. It just gives credence to his lies and turns half-truths into facts.

Yes it’s hard.

A sword attacks. A shield defends.

A validating comment, with one’s ego out of the equation, is a great shield. It quashes his attack with such elegance. You are basically agreeing with him, and not, at the same time. You agree with his feelings and yet state your non-acceptance of their fact. And your correct getting dragged into a war of words just adds to his justifications.

Originally Posted by scout12
I feel he holds me to an impossible standard. I take the high road 99% of the time and there's no acknowledgement, then the 1% I slip up, show emotion, react badly, I'm crucified for it. It does my head in.

99% is really good. smile

Be sure you are not holding yourself to an impossible standard as well. We’ve all been emotional. Had our emotions get the best of us. It’s ok.

Taking the high road gets easier and easier as this goes on. A few tips to help. Put a delay into a conversation. This gives you a chance to calm down, figure out what you want, think, and believe you should say, instead of saying what you’re feeling.

When texting or emailing, wait 24 hours before replying. 48 hours if you’re really aggregated.

A bit more difficult during face to face discussions. However, you can say “I need some time to think about that”. Then get back to him with a reasoned out approach, not an emotional lash out. (Not that you lash out too often)

You are starting NC, so conversations are going to be limited. Stick to business at hand, and think shield not attack. H is going to push your buttons to try to get you to engage. Stick to the high road and let him be.

You are not going to get any acknowledgement from H for your walking the high road - or not much if it is any. That’s ok. You take the high road for you. It will make you feel better, and it is good inner growth.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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