Moving On Over to Surviving the Big D

[job]

HaWho,

I agree w/OwnIt. Your h has been stuck for a long time and he sees that you and your sons are moving on w/o him and are living a nice and happy lifestyle. He's a miserable man who can't even get out of his own way because he doesn't know how to go about it. He is still in the anger and blame game mode.

You can't fix him because you didn't break him. Yes, it makes you sad to see that he's not looking to the future, but that is not your fault. He is the only way that can fix himself. All you can do is get out of his way and allow him to fight w/himself and one day, he just might hit that brick wall very hard and come to realize all that he has lost. Until then, live your life to the fullest and keep the focus on you and your sons.

[HaWho]

Well, just when you think you have seen it all; get ready for this one.

On Friday ex sends me this rambling text telling me his life is private and to keep the boys out of it. I text back I have no idea what he is talking about as I never ask the kids about his private life.

He proceeds to tell me that he instructed the kids to keep it private and I should not hold it against them. And then he says he got married over the Christmas break!

He says the boys met her 14 months ago and approved of his decision (like they could be allowed to say no). He says they do not want to be grilled about her. He then tells me “the woman in question,” who, mind you, is his wife, is honorable. He says she will not be attending any of s’s games so there won’t be any awkwardness?!?! Love how he calls his wife “the woman in question.” Is she his wife or a suspect? He refers to her that way several times. And what kind of wife/relationship is this if she is not to attend s’s games and this whole thing was kept secret?!? Is he ashamed of her? Scared to have her meet me?

Don’t need to think too hard on that one. I know she will be young and someone he can control. I think by the timing they were having an affair all along. He ended up moving out of the house like it was on fire so I suspect she was the reason. I know they are two broken people clinging to each other.

Feel awful that my kids have been hiding this for so long under his direction and feel awful that I was not given the dignity of meeting someone so prevalent in my kid’s life. I know she is broken to agree to this life with him and now this broken woman sees my kids. I know I cannot control how he handles this situation and it’s not on me that he wants to keep his wife a big secret.

Trying to decide how to discuss this all with my kids when they return home in a few days. I want to ask them how they feel about all this and impact on them that such a thing should not be a secret and that this not the way you handle things for all involved. Also want them to know I am happy and they don’t need to protect me, rather, I should have supported them.

My sisters both say the kids know what is up with all this and that it only will add to their understanding of how screwed up he is.

Just feel awful that my kids were subjected to all that so fast.

[OwnIt]

Well, I'd say it is shocking, but of course a hidden OW is not at all shocking. Every time I see a newbie who insists there is no OW/OM I just shake my head. We know they are going to pop up sometime/somewhere, don't we. These folks just don't chuck it all aside without something else in play. However, it is still WTF isn't it, that he would ask his children to keep this hidden from you.

I think the more interesting part is why he wants you to know now. Given that he has kept this from you all this time, why just blurt it out now?

My S is such a blabbermouth that he couldn't keep something like this from me. But I suppose yours has made it more difficult because he has remained involved with the boys and therefore they feel more obligated to protect him I guess.

I would probably say something like, dad has shared his big news with me. Would you like to talk about it? Maybe they will share their feelings. If not, I'd probably let them know that they are not required to keep secrets, even when asked to do so by their father, and if they are concerned or bothered about something they can always feel free to discuss it with you. If they don't want to, that's ok too.

I definitely think your kids get that dad is not right and that this is not a "normal" situation. My guess is that if it were giving them problems you would have found out about it. They have each other to help them try to process these things as well.

I'm sorry you are still having to deal with his crap.

[DnJ]

Good Morning HaWho

Well that sounds about right for H. He is still an angry secretive teenager. Kind of a surprise, the over a Christmas marriage, till you think about it. He is so secretive; and MLCers like their drama.

His rambling text is par for the course. He is still confused and suspects everyone is plotting against him. You can take comfort that your boys are strong lads; not spilling the beans for so long. There is something to be said for not betraying a person’s confidence. Of course I do suspect Dad wasn’t the great role model and some of this is fear of reprisal as well. Still, lots of strength in those lads.

Remember not to believe everything (or anything depending on situation) a MLCer says. Maybe the boys met her 14 months ago, maybe not. H does have quite the ability to rewrite history and timelines to suit himself.

I would suggest not questioning the boys. As hard as that’s going to be. Tell them about receiving a text from their Dad saying he got married over Christmas. Once they know you know, and they didn’t tell you, much will come tumbling out. A few probing follow up question could be needed, if the ice doesn’t break easily.

I do agree with you that his wife is probably the same gal that he ran out of the house as if it was on fire. However, she may not be. Who knows. Keep expectations and the guesses near zero; it will be revealed soon. Gosh that’s a tough - good thing you’re a strong woman.

Trying to decide how to discuss this all with my kids when they return home in a few days.

Discuss it gently.

Along with the previously suggested ice breaker. Most definitely, as you said, assure your boys that you are just fine and they do not need to worry about you. That was a big step for my kids; them knowing that Dad’s doing fine, well great actually. Kids do protect the betrayed parent, it’s something both parties need to get passed.

Validate their feelings and assure them it’s ok that they have a relationship with this woman. She is after all a person of importance in their Dad’s life. And therefore is someone of importance in their life - unwanted as that may or may not be to each of them.

That is also something I found very interesting, even though it is so obvious. Each child is their own person, and has their own heart and mind. Each of my four kids respond, feel, and accept their situation differently. Each of your boys will see their situation in their own light. I had to get to the place where it is ok for S23 to talk with OM, and S21 to not want to, as an example. Each view point is valid and ok. Your boys will not see this both the same way; similar most likely, just not the same.

The past is the past. I know you would have love to support your boys over the months. You can now! Start gentle and go from there.

That gift of time still exists.

DnJ

[job]

HaWho,

Well, the cat is out of the bag now! If he wanted to keep his life private, why blurt it out to you? Evidently, he can't keep his mouth shut and just had to tell you about his latest antic. If he did get married, I wish the two of them all the luck in the world...it is a match made in heaven because she's got to be a loco as he is.

I feel for your sons. They may have met her 14 months ago, but that doesn't mean that they knew she was his "real girlfriend".

I think I would wait a few days before saying anything to the boys. I would have a nice meal on the table, be sitting there eating and casually mention that you got an email from their father announcing his new marriage and then say, I wish them well. Then drop it. You don't want to ask them any questions about it, because they would then feel like you are trying to find out all of the dirt. If I know your sons, they will eventually come talk to you about it, but they need to do it on their timeline. They have to digest why their father said it was a secret and then announce it to you.

They know that their father isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer at the moment.

[peacetoday]

Glad he finally told you, so its a secret no more

I would probably mention that Dad mentioned he got M..I wish them well

and add on
Are you guys ok with that ?

keep it simple..

I know it seems like all they do really affects our kids but I still believe one strong stable parent is enough
Yes they may have extra stuff to sort through due to that MLCer parent
but
They can also learn what they don't want to be
from their role models and if aware

I believe they can break the chain

Good thing is it is out in the open now and they are free to share whatever is on their mind without judgement

[kml]

Just a guess, but it’s possible that rambling reluctant message was because one of the boys put their foot down and said “You HAVE to tell mom you got married”.

[HaWho]

Thank you all so much. I appreciate the advice.

KML - I think you might be right because looking back at the texts he was fishing to see if I knew.

I woke up this morning and resolved to make the next 5 years of my life amazing. This is not just for me, but for my kids. I am going to show them that while there are those lose the plot in their midlife others get wise and shift into high gear.

And years later they will remember that about me and I will tell them THAT is their DNA.

So thankful to have you all here for support.

Onwards and upwards always.

[Gerda]

I imagine that no matter how detached you are and how obvious it is that H is broken and OW is a broken person (I would insert a variety of other nouns there but am trying to be mature), that it still must grind against your heart a little to get that news. So here is a hug from Gerda. (((HaWho))))).

What a solid foundation that couple is building. ?!

Ugh.

I don't understand why you would have to say, "I wish them well." I don't wish them well at all and I don't even know any of you personally! I certainly don't wish my H and his OW well. I wish she would go back to her H and kids and at least one family could get restored! I can't remember at the moment if it was you or OwnIt who told me that it was always good for me to transmit my values. It has really liberated me as far as talking to my kids. Sometimes it's hard to be sure I am saying something out of my values and not out of Pain Planet, but as a child of divorce I would find it confusing to hear my LBS mom say she wished them well. I'd rather hear her say, "It's a little painful to hear that but we'll be just fine and looking forward to lots of wonderful things in our life." Or something that would validate my confusion. I really liked my stepdad but I always found it all really awful and confusing and the fact that no one validated that made me feel really alone.

[HaWho]

Thank you Gerda for that perspective. It really does help.

Truth be told, this has all been handled in such a truly dysfunctional manner, that I don’t even know what and how much to say to my kids. But, I am not going to say I wish them well.

I am going to keep it to being about them-my kids.

Right now I think I need to say little and just create a space where I make it clear I am here to listen to how they feel are doing with all this. I would like to impart on them that keeping secrets from your parents should not be encouraged. I really want to say a marriage is not a secret, but I will bite my tongue.

He has emotionally strangled them by swearing them to secrecy and I want to begin by loosening the noose.