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A Message from Michele
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Bend in the Road #2871116
11/07/19 10:40 AM
11/07/19 10:40 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,041
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Online OP
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keeping with the Chris Cornell theme. Seems appropriate. https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2863147&page=1

thx all for your posts on the last page of the last thread.

I sleep when I just can't stay awake any more and I wake up frequently for long periods in the night.
i'm not really interested in eating but I force myself to anyway.
exh coming into town in the next day or so. no idea how long he will stay.
don't think son knows that yet.

moving the office on a tight time frame. my engineer boss wants me go take several hours to put everything that needs to be done line item by line item into an excel spreadsheet. because we have the time to spare to do that. I'm digging as deep as I can for patience but the Australians are wondering what the heck I'm doing with this hole I've dug in their outback that leads all the way to North America, so it's time to stop with the digging and just get the work done. I told him I would create his spreadsheet, but now I'm not willing to indulge his whims. I just want to get the work done.

Friend's bday was yesterday. he doesn't have his bday listed on FB. I posted "Mwah. That's All" on his page with a wolf emoji not to blow his cover. He'd also requested that if I sing happy birthday to him I do so ala Marilyn Monroe to JFK, so he got a live version on the phone, which he loved. He then pointed out that since he was born late afternoon, he was still not officially older. I recorded a version of HBD and sent it last night. He got a chuckle. I'm getting support don't worry. There are glimmers of hope. There's always hope. I'm grateful for the people in my life.I'm grateful for so many things.


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Re: Bend in the Road [Re: bttrfly] #2871561
11/09/19 10:35 AM
11/09/19 10:35 AM
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Posts: 3,041
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bttrfly Online OP
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exh is here until tomorrow morning, started the text onslaught at 6:02am yesterday. At one point he unleashed all his rage onto me and I set my limits and hung up. This is not helping our son. We had to meet as a family. I've not really been able to look at him since the divorce, but I did yesterday. He's older. Looks a lot older than his years, He's growing the front of his hair out so he can hide the bald spot/ his tonsure. He's put on weight. To me, he is not the handsome guy he once was. Of course the dead eyes and forbidding expression aren't an attractive look. He left abruptly at the end of the meeting, because as he said on the phone, he's through talking to me. However he did text me a message that was most certainly meant for someone else as it included an "I love you madly babe" followed by fire emoji and a kissy face.

I responded with What? and "I assume that message was meant for someone other than me."

about an hour later he said, "yup. sorry about that"

I replied, "No problem. Glad you have someone to support you through this." I am proud of my response and even prouder that my immediate hurt and rage had calmed down considerably in less time than I'd ever have imagined. I actually did feel that sentiment I sent him on some level. Not 100% but I'll get there eventually.

Now we can speculate until doomsday about whether that was an intentional outing of his relationship or just a dumb accident. I'd rather not play that game, although I'm clear that if there's a way to cause me pain, he's all for it, by his own admission.

I foolishly got lulled into thinking he was going to help. He's not. He's only capable of yelling and screaming and threatening to get his own way. So #1, I'm mad at myself for the relief I felt when he called me directly earlier in the week to talk about it and asked if he could do something that took a huge task off my plate. I thought oh good, we can at least be there for our son. He will help in this minor way. I'm not alone in this overwhelming situation. But no. He is incapable.

#2, that text for me was a quick, brief pain, but a slow burn anger that I need to release. So let me get this straight: he gets to trash our marriage, deliberately by his own admission cause as much pain as possible in the process, run off to another coast and live a happy life, leaving the mess he created behind for me to deal with? He gets to bail on his family without a backward glance AND gets to have a new love while I'm here cleaning up his pile of Sh!t, and getting blamed for creating it in the first place? Where the F##% is the balance in the universe in this? Seriously, wtf??? Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve this. Then I remember: I met someone when I was young, and he was young and together we had a solid 10-12 years of happiness, about three tough years due to his mother's interference and his Hashimoto being out of control, then another six really happy years again and four years of his Hashimoto's spiraling out of control and living with his MLC before he bailed. It was real. I didn't make it up. Friends and family have pointed out that he did love me once, very much. I can see it in photos. His eyes were alive. I thought I could love away all the pain of his unhappy past that he brought to the relationship. yeah. because that always works. . . not.

#3 the choices I make now are vastly different than the ones I made in my 20s. Thats my hope for the future.

#4 for a brief moment I'd hoped this would shock exh out of his MLC, not so he would then come back to me, but so he would come back to himself, the kind, generous and caring man I married. It's too late for us, because even if he did come back to that person I love and miss, I can never ever trust him again. There's no going back for me. But for our son? He needs that man, desperately. Let go or be dragged. Beat ya to it KML.

So, here I am. Stressed out of my mind about our son, not really eating or sleeping well (hey, maybe I'll lose weight), but dealing a day at a time with this. The only way I know to cope with this is to create a gratitude list/challenge. you can join in if you want, or not. I don't really care either way. here is what I'm presently grateful for:
1. my son is alive, today.
2. my ex lives thousands of miles away from me
3. my ex isn't on FB so I don't have this shoved in my face daily
4. I no longer have to live with someone who has that much anger. This may sound woo woo or whatever, but living with that level of toxicity on a daily basis took a real toll on me on all levels - physical, emotional and mental, that I'm still dealing with and healing from. I just want peace in my life. We all - even angry but madly in love exh - deserve peace. In his case I hope he finds it, far from me.
5. I'm grateful my boss understands the enormous load of crap I'm dealing with and is giving me the space to take care of it.
6. Mom is walking and learning to climb stairs. she continues to progress. hopefully someday she can actually come home.
7. I'm grateful that I care enough about myself to set limits and refuse to bear the brunt of anyone's anger or abuse today.
8. I'm grateful for my support network which is amazing and a real blessing.
9. I'm grateful for this place. More than I can say.
10. I'm grateful I have coping tools learned here and other places.
11. I'm grateful I've not rushed into anything new, and have given myself plenty of time to heal the deep hurt and betrayal. That time has taught me to trust myself again, which is way more important than trusting a partner. I will live with myself every second of every day until my dying breath. I'd darn well better be in a trusting relationship with myself.


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Re: Bend in the Road [Re: bttrfly] #2871575
11/09/19 02:32 PM
11/09/19 02:32 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,895
Canada
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AndrewP Offline
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Big hugs {{{bttrfly}}}

I could echo pretty much most of your list. It takes us a while to realize that we are so much better off without them. As I say far too often - you don't know you are living under a cloud until you walk in the sunshine.

In some ways this can be looked at as a good experience. You see him with clear eyes without his mask and recognize him for what he truly is. And make the deliberate decision that this is not someone who you want in your life nor that you can count on in any way.

You have people who love you and care for you in an honest way. Having yourself be the foremost in that list is necessary.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Bend in the Road [Re: bttrfly] #2871578
11/09/19 02:48 PM
11/09/19 02:48 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
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Quote
At one point he unleashed all his rage onto me and I set my limits and hung up

Oh, I miss my old flip phone. When my ex first left, if he was spewing on the phone, I’d just clap that thing shut. What a satisfying sound.

Sorry about your struggles with son - I feel ya. Must be nice to be the runaway parent who just does elective parenting, leaving the heavy lifting to the abandoned spouse. I know my life (and finances!) after divorce would have looked very different if ex had carried his share of parenting.

Re: Bend in the Road [Re: bttrfly] #2871586
11/09/19 03:43 PM
11/09/19 03:43 PM
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Good Morning bttrfly

Really good list.

I am glad you are seeing your history clearly and remembering the good times as well.

Originally Posted by bttrfly
I replied, "No problem. Glad you have someone to support you through this." I am proud of my response and even prouder that my immediate hurt and rage had calmed down considerably in less time than I'd ever have imagined. I actually did feel that sentiment I sent him on some level. Not 100% but I'll get there eventually.

I agree, who knows if he sent it purposefully or not - it doesn’t matter.

What does matter is your response. Which was excellent.

“Glad you have someone”, is very freeing when one actually feels that sentiment. Well done! Feed that feeling; it’s worth growing. And it is so much for you. This has so much potential for us, the LBS. That choice, that view, changes one’s perspective; fear, pain, stress, trust, faith, compassion, etc... all are affected in such a good way.

DnJ


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me52 XW48 S22 S21 S19 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Bend in the Road [Re: DnJ] #2871591
11/09/19 04:45 PM
11/09/19 04:45 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,967
Southern Maryland
job Offline

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I like your list and I am so very sorry that your xh is acting like an @ss. He's not helping at all w/all of that anger and screaming. I love your response back to him after that slip up message he sent you.

I hope things settle down a bit for you. Do you have time to go visit your furry friends for a bit? They would love to see you and they do bring you great joy and comfort.

Please take care of yourself.

Re: Bend in the Road [Re: bttrfly] #2871598
11/09/19 06:09 PM
11/09/19 06:09 PM
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Yes KML - agree that flip phones did give that satisfying snap sound. Maybe current phones should come with a feature where you can opt to hang up with that nice harsh sound old land lines used to give!

While mine did not leave cross country he walked out from a house full of cr@p that was all his. I was left to clean up his mess of a life. By the end he was almost hoarder like because he was shopping like mad. He took very, very little. Months later when he remembered that little holiday called Christmas, he asked for some of his sentimental stuff. I told him I no longer had it. There were other things he wanted when he realized what he had left behind. I told him those were long gone, too. It felt good considering I spent months and months getting rid of a garage full of his stuff.

You are a class act Bttrfly. You have been through this whole process. Keep doing you like only you can!


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
Re: Bend in the Road [Re: bttrfly] #2871654
11/10/19 11:46 AM
11/10/19 11:46 AM
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Massachusetts
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bttrfly Online OP
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ty Andrew, Kml, DnJ, Job and Ha

Originally Posted by AndrewP
In some ways this can be looked at as a good experience. You see him with clear eyes without his mask and recognize him for what he truly is.


He picked son up last night to go to dinner. I went out to tell him son would be along in a bit, but was having trouble with his phone screen. I got shark eyes and a death glare. After they left, I went to see my mom. I'll admit it, I cried the whole way there. Why? Because again, still, I'm not seen for who I truly am. If looks could kill I'd be dead. I don't know how much more difficult it will be for son if his parents don't speak. On the other hand, son is almost 20, so hopefully, it won't matter.

Originally Posted by kml
Must be nice to be the runaway parent who just does elective parenting, leaving the heavy lifting to the abandoned spouse. I know my life (and finances!) after divorce would have looked very different if ex had carried his share of parenting.


Oh h-e double hockey sticks YEAH. I think the best thing I can do for myself and my son is for me to stop thinking in terms of co-parenting. Put the focus on myself and my life with no expectation of assistance.

Originally Posted by DnJ
“Glad you have someone”, is very freeing when one actually feels that sentiment. Well done! Feed that feeling; it’s worth growing. And it is so much for you. This has so much potential for us, the LBS. That choice, that view, changes one’s perspective; fear, pain, stress, trust, faith, compassion, etc... all are affected in such a good way.


Well, it's an interesting statement. I find that it's meant different things since I typed it (in no particular order):
***Glad she's not me
***Glad you're far away so I don't have to run into the two of you in my daily life
***Glad our friends won't bump into you and say something to me about it
***Glad there's someone else who has to listen to your rants/raves and delusions
***Glad your focus will be somewhere else, leaving me in peace

That's the best I can do right now.

Job, I may make a flying visit later today, but my regular day is next Sunday.

Originally Posted by HaWho
It felt good considering I spent months and months getting rid of a garage full of his stuff.

You are a class act Bttrfly. You have been through this whole process. Keep doing you like only you can!


OMG Ha, when I think of how he ranted and raved at me that we had too much "Stuff" and we're drowning in "stuff" and he can't breathe because of all the "stuff" then think about how many trips I made to the tech recycling center dropping off bin after bin of computer parts, monitors, computers, etc. Car parts still lurking in my parents shed that I haven't had time to get rid of - that my Dad and mom asked him for about 10 years to please get rid of... How much paperwork I still have to go through here that pertains to his company ... there was a lot of stuff, but it certainly wasn't all mine, and he did NOTHING. Or, more accurately, did nothing but rant and rave at me at every turn (work faster, work harder, get rid of all this crap), while using that as an excuse to leave. Ugh. Just remembering having to live with that, and never knowing if I'd come home to find my stuff thrown away. There is something seriously wrong with him, far beyond MLC.

*** Glad I don't have to live with any of it any longer

Ha thank you for reminding me of my early decision to take the high road. Given all that's going on right now, my temper could very easily lead me down a path I decided long ago to avoid. I'm grateful to be reminded that I don't really want to go there, as satisfying as it might be to really unleash my own deep and justified anger.

I did some chores yesterday that I've been meaning to do around the property - bought orange reflector stakes for both driveways and put them in so the plow guy will stop plowing onto mom and dad's lawn, and will not destroy areas on my lawn either. Bought a cover for the a/c unit and put it on. Bought chair covers for my patio set. Still need a table cover, but might just use a tarp. Stored the cushions and umbrella away for the season. Took off all screens on the first floor, labeled them and stored them away also.

Today I will finish putting away the deck furniture, wrap the bees for the winter, finish the screen removal and get at least the bottom floor of the house cleaner than it is. I'm currently drying Mom's laundry and will bring it to her soon. Putting my laundry in after my shower.

I swear I can feel the atmosphere lighten when his plane leaves the ground.

I did not sleep well last night at all. I did get some help yesterday for myself with this situation.

I *may* see my friend at some point today.


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Re: Bend in the Road [Re: bttrfly] #2871656
11/10/19 12:05 PM
11/10/19 12:05 PM
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I was just catching up, and woahhhh! Your ex is a huge d!ck who is still deep in his MLC. He’s clearly a huge runaway coward. I’m glad you have set boundaries for when he goes off like an a-hole. What the heck does he even know from another coast? Usually their rage comes from things not going the way they thought they would in fantasy land. That’s on him.

You handled yourself so beautifully. You’re list of gratitude is beautiful. One of my biggest items on my list is that I don’t have to accept the abuse of my ex anymore. I’m fortunate that he has let that go now that I’m not his wife anymore and he’s got another one who isn’t me!!!!!!!

I just want to give you a big hug and tell you that you are one of the strongest women I know!

Last edited by job; 11/10/19 05:29 PM. Reason: edited language
Re: Bend in the Road [Re: bttrfly] #2871664
11/10/19 02:11 PM
11/10/19 02:11 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
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Canada
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AndrewP Offline
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Originally Posted by bttrfly
I don't know how much more difficult it will be for son if his parents don't speak. On the other hand, son is almost 20, so hopefully, it won't matter.
Raises hand.

In my case my kids seem to lead a double life at least from my perspective. I know that it causes them stress in pretending that their relationship with their mother doesn't exist.

On the other hand DnJ gets regular updates on his ex from his kids who are open about their relationship with her.

I suspect that the latter is easier on the kids even if tougher perhaps on the parent.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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