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#2870891 11/05/19 08:57 PM
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kbuenob Offline OP
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Ok, so last night I had sex with W.

I'm not sure if my pulling back has been working, or if she was just horny and needed a body. It's been around 3 weeks since we've even so much as kissed each other on the lips. There has been hello & goodbye hugs here and there but thats it. Steve mentioned to be careful if I suspect she's having an affair, but man it was hard to resist. Did i mention it's been 3 weeks? That's a long stretch considering our history of being really active with each other.

So I stayed at work late last night working on some projects I've been slacking on, and also trying to GAL and get back into the groove of being productive. I come home, and noticed her wearing her nice silky house dress, something that she hasn't worn for a while. I thought, hmm thats different. While she was on the couch watching TV, I also noticed she was exposing her butt and panties to me, yet another thing I haven't seen for a while.

Once we tucked our son in to bed, we did our routine of getting ready for bed ourselves. I went back out into the living room and started watching videos on my phone, while she was doing her own thing in the MBR. She texted me,"maybe you should come watch a show with me?" I told her,"ok after I watch whatever it was that I was watching" I go in the MBR, get in bed and she told me that she wants me. I told her I know, and that I could tell. She said her period is coming and has been feeling horny (sorry for i'm being too explicit). After about 2 seconds of some banter, we go at it. Needless to say it was amazing, and for that period of time I felt like I had my wife back. She was calling me babe, kissing passionately etc

Before we went to sleep, i made it a point to not smother her with affection or good night kisses and hugs. I just kept thinking,"She's a cat, if i do too much now, she's going to run away." Plus i didn't want her to feel like she stole all of my power with sex. So when we were ready for bed, I told her good night, she did the same and we both went to sleep.

In the morning, it was business as usual. Both of us making sure our S is ready for school etc. We left with a hug, but no kissing on the lips. Even though all i wanted to do was kiss her, I didnt force any of that, and made sure to leave on a strong note- good bye and have a great day.

Was i right to not pursue any affection afterwards? Are there any nuggets of info to be gleaned from this experience- or was it just straight up sex and that was it? I know enough already to not get my hopes up- but just need some advice on how i should act moving forward. Continue touch charging? maybe flirt with her a little more during our interactions? Is a spark of attraction for me coming back?

Thoughts?


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Last edited by kbuenob; 11/05/19 08:59 PM.
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Originally Posted by kbuenob
...last night I had sex with W.... but just need some advice on how i should act moving forward.


Just keep making positive changes to your behavior. If something is working, keep doing it. If something is not working, stop and try something different.


Remember that her behavior is not the measurement stick. Your behavior is. Were you needy? NO.


You will be traveling down several parallel paths for a while.

From this point forward, your job is to protect the relationship, in a non-needy way. Old you did not know this. The new you does.


My current lady has worked in the service industry as a bar-tender. I had to be comfortable with her interacting with other men, even her flirting with them. I was very observant. Keeping an eye out for red flags. You are in a similar circumstance. Be very aware that other men want your wife. How you respond is important. Controlling behavior is unattractive. Protecting behavior is attractive.

When I was married, I was ignorant. I allowed W to have some close male friends. I am sure at least one of these was inappropriate.


Right now it is important for you to keep challenging your current beliefs. Read as much as you can.


If you have another opportunity to have sex with W, I strongly suggest that you have some new "tricks" that pleasantly surprise her. Start doing research now. You have been with her a long time. She needs some excitement. She needs to be surprised by the new you.



"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Was i right to not pursue any affection afterwards?


Yes, absolutely. My XW wanted to continue having sex after BD but it meant nothing at all, it was just physical gratification for her. Don't assume anything has changed.

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Are there any nuggets of info to be gleaned from this experience- or was it just straight up sex and that was it?


Probably just sex. That doesn't mean it's not a good sign, I would consider it a baby step. And as Michele says about baby steps, celebrate them internally but don't make a big production out of them externally. Just keep doing what you've been doing.

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but just need some advice on how i should act moving forward. Continue touch charging? maybe flirt with her a little more during our interactions? Is a spark of attraction for me coming back?


Perhaps a little. Just be careful not to break into pursuit mode.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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kbuenob Offline OP
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R2C, thanks as always

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Controlling behavior is unattractive. Protecting behavior is attractive.


What would you consider protecting behavior? Sometimes I need some of these ideas spelled out for me lol

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Ok, thank you for the advice AS!

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This happened to me - about 3 weeks after 1st BD - we ended up being intimate 6 times in one week. She was then texting me all day, saying she was thinking about me etc. Unfortunately I took this to mean things were changing for the better. I was wrong - 3 weeks after that, NC suddenly then "I don't love you anymore."
Now I think it was just gratification for her.

I'd take it with a pinch of salt, don't read too much into it, but consider it a baby step. If things work, continue. If not, change tact.

Importantly, as AS says above, don't pursue as a result.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
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kbuenob Offline OP
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Originally Posted by DaB35
This happened to me - about 3 weeks after 1st BD - we ended up being intimate 6 times in one week. She was then texting me all day, saying she was thinking about me etc. Unfortunately I took this to mean things were changing for the better. I was wrong


Did you get needy and pursue too much afterwards? What would you have done differently?

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I should have stopped after the first time and started DBing properly. I didn't - I pursued, remained needy, thinking about her emotional/physical needs and not mine.

I should have set a boundary; something I just didn't do in the R generally, which I regret.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
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kbuenob Offline OP
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Im sorry to hear DaB35

I should continue to play it cool. pull back. Treat her like a cat and let her come to me.

what would your boundary have looked like in this situation? I'm still trying to understand the idea of boundaries

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The last time I had sex with my W was maybe the most passionate ever. It was also the last time.

My IC suggested she was testing whether or not she had romantic feelings for me anymore.

My point is, don't read too much into any single thing. Consistency is the only thing that carries weight.

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