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Unsure what to do, what’s next....Part V #2826993
12/11/18 02:36 PM
12/11/18 02:36 PM
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Wanted1 Offline OP
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Wanted1  Offline OP
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Old Thread

So, W came to me, last night, and asked if I received any guidance from my IC counselor yesterday. I told her that my IC's opinion was that it would be best for the kids if we made the "transition" of her moving out after the holidays. She started talking logistics about the move and that she still needed to talk to her boss about the proposed 3-3-4-4 custody arrangement that I suggested (with this arrangement, she will have to basically work from home one day and probably get to work late on another day so she can drop the kids off at school before she leaves). I just replied that she's got a little time now to get her affairs in order because I want what is best for the kids. She did state that she wants the kids' room all set up and ready before she brought them over to her apartment which seems obvious and logical. Nothing really more was said or discussed.

Then I received this text after she had left for work this morning:

Quote
Thank you for bringing that topic to IC yesterday. Regarding your text on Saturday, I agree that you deserve better. I understood from what you said when we talked on Saturday that you want me gone, are tired of “playing house” and you’ve moved on, so I will continue to do whatever I can to stay out of your way at the house. If you take the kids [on GAL] on Saturday, I could try to get some of my things moved then. If you want to get the 60 days started, there are pleadings in the first drawer in the X that you could get notarized in [other town] today so you don’t have to in town. You can scan and email them to me and I can file them. I am glad you feel that way about being respected (from your text Saturday). You do deserve that and I’m so very sorry I have not treated you that way. You are worthy and deserving of true fulfillment.


There was another paragraph talking about getting some medicine for one of our kids who seems to be coming down with something. Logistics on where to send the prescription. I replied to this part but didn't mention anything in the quoted part.

I don't think I really should respond to any of that should I? What I really WANT to say is, "I am worthy and deserving of that, just not from you? You can't allow yourself to give that to me, huh?" I'm not going to, obviously....

So, now I need some advice on how to proceed. The pleadings she drafted were signed and notarized on November 19th, so she's had them in her possession for 3 weeks. I'm not sure if this is manipulation on her part or some sort of a temp check to see if I actually 'have moved on' as she referenced in the text, and follow through and sign the certificate of service for receipt of them or what. I didn't really say 'I've moved on.' I said I am starting my journey of moving on and need her out in order to continue down that path, which is best for me. I feel like I want to wait and see if after she moves out if she has any sort of change in how she feels once 'reality' hits her. But, we do have to wait 60 days before anything is final and that could maybe take place in that time frame. There's nothing to say the final decree has to be filed right on the 60th day either.....just not sure how to proceed.....

Last edited by Wanted1; 12/11/18 02:37 PM.

M: 34 W:34
D:7 D:6 S:3

M: 9.5 years T: 12

OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18
IHS begins
W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18
W files: 12/21/18
D Final: 2/25/19
Re: Unsure what to do, what’s next....Part V [Re: Wanted1] #2826998
12/11/18 02:47 PM
12/11/18 02:47 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 6,324
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LH19 Online
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W,

Well you tried to get an reaction out of her by saying what you said, just not the reaction you were looking for when you said it.

The rule of thumb is you don't do the heavy lifting but you also don't do anything to hold it up. You have about a 1% chance of your W doing an about face within 60 days.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Unsure what to do, what’s next....Part V [Re: LH19] #2827001
12/11/18 02:52 PM
12/11/18 02:52 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 308
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Wanted1 Offline OP
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Wanted1  Offline OP
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Originally Posted by LH19
W,

Well you tried to get an reaction out of her by saying what you said, just not the reaction you were looking for when you said it.

The rule of thumb is you don't do the heavy lifting but you also don't do anything to hold it up. You have about a 1% chance of your W doing an about face within 60 days.


I know that. She's would be too stubborn to admit it to me if she would have second thoughts. She would more than likely suppress those feelings, like she has with everything in our MR, apparently, and try to "grind it out" to prove to herself she was right and made the correct decision.

I'm just curious if her telling me about the pleadings and letting me know that I can sign them and scan and email them to her is just her trying to call my bluff about "moving on." I am trying to move on. I need to. But I want to do it in a way that doesn't appear weak, apprehensive or show her that I'm still attached. The part of her text that stick out to me is her saying "IF I want to get the 60 days started..."

Last edited by Wanted1; 12/11/18 02:53 PM.

M: 34 W:34
D:7 D:6 S:3

M: 9.5 years T: 12

OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18
IHS begins
W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18
W files: 12/21/18
D Final: 2/25/19
Re: Unsure what to do, what’s next....Part V [Re: Wanted1] #2827003
12/11/18 03:01 PM
12/11/18 03:01 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,142
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AnotherStander Offline
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While you were starting a new thread I was typing a response that ended up in the old thread, so I'm pasting it here as well:

Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Wanted1
Like an idiot, I broke my going dark plan and forwarded the message onto W.

"Illusion of action" Doing nothing isn't working I need to do something!

Originally Posted by Wanted1
I explained this in a couple texts to W. I told her that I have always put too much weight on what people think (she knew this and agreed) and that I've been actively trying to rid myself of that characteristic. She responded "that so nice to hear. It's so liberating that you can free yourself of that. I'm happy for you.

Actions not words Wanted1. This is approval seeking behavior. I've changed I've changed!

Originally Posted by Wanted1
" Maybe my desertion of going dark just for this particular exchange could plant a small seed of doubt in my W's mind that I "can't change." Doubt it, but who knows?! Nothing I'm doing is changing though. I didn't respond to that text and I've continued my going dark plan.

I'm gonna go dark for a day until I can't take it any more and then forward her a text and tell her I've changed. Guaranteed it did nothing but show her your'e still attached.

Originally Posted by Wanted1
I will not change a thing I'm doing, however! Keep on the going dark path and see where it leads me.

I think you need to look up what going dark means.


Wanted, please review the above responses from LH again. He is spot-on, I had the exact same thoughts reading your posts. I also agree with his later comment that you seem like a control freak. I can't tell if you always have been, or if it's perhaps a response to the situation you find yourself in (struggling for some semblance of control) but it's something to explore with your IC.

Quote
My former "friend" keeps texting W. The only "good news" is, it appears my W hasn't been responding as of late. Over the last 3 days, he's sent probably 8 text messages and she has replied twice. Her last response was 2 days ago.


And you know this how? Stop the snooping.

Quote
I shared this with one of our mutual friends who I've confided in about my situation.


Do not talk to mutual friends about your sitch. Only discuss it with friends that have no connection to your W at all, or discuss it here. Anything you say to mutual friends WILL get back to your W and she will see it as you "rallying the troops" against her.

Quote
His advice was that I should confront him before it advances any further. I told him that while the thought has crossed my mind numerous times, I don't think that's a good idea at this time.


If anything is going on between them then there's nothing you can do about it (she is leaving after all). If you confront either of them it just makes you look like a controller/ manipulator and will just drive them closer together. Plus they will go deeper undercover with their activities using burner phones and such. Your attitude should be "don't know/ don't care".

Quote
You’re right. I did tell her about the furniture to see what her response would be. You know what? She came hustling in to talk for the first time ever since BD. I sensed her feeling like she’s losing control. She feels in control because it’s her decision to leave. She feels in control because I told her she has to file, I’m not. And I still won’t. She felt in control by thinking she could decide to move out when it worked best for her. Not anymore. I took my b@lls back by telling her I want her out as soon as possible.


If she felt you were controlling and manipulating in the M then that's something you should be doing a 180 on. DB'ing is "opening the cage door" but it is not kicking her out of the cage. You should be letting her make these decisions. If she says she's moving out your response and attitude should be "I would rather you stay and work on the M, but if you feel it's best for you to move out then I will not stand in your way. I will support you in whatever decision you make." Are you under some illusion that kicking her out is going to make her respect you more and make her want to come back? It's more likely she'll see it as "more of the same" controlling behavior.

Being the lighthouse and the rock doesn't mean being a jerk. I wish people understood this better. It means being strong, firm, resolute, but doing so in a LOVING manner.

I just keep reading a lot of "I did this, and that showed her who is really boss!!" stuff in your posts. When it comes to BD, S and D, there are no winners, everyone loses. You're not going to "gain the upper hand", because there isn't one. So many LBS's try to "nice" their WAS back and then when that doesn't work they try to "mean" her back. I think that's exactly where you are right now. But you can't "mean" her back either. All you can do is pull back and give her time and space and let HER figure things out and maybe decide to come back.You can't control yourself out of this.

Originally Posted by Wanted1
I know that. She's would be too stubborn to admit it to me if she would have second thoughts. She would more than likely suppress those feelings, like she has with everything in our MR, apparently, and try to "grind it out" to prove to herself she was right and made the correct decision.


From what you post here and especially from her quotes you've posted, I get the impression that your W is not nearly as stubborn and hard-headed and you say she is. I just sense a lot of hatred and frustration in your posts and it feels like perhaps you are trying to heap all the blame on her. I'm not saying her hands are clean, but you can't fix her. You can only work on and fix YOU. So try and focus more on YOUR faults and wrongs and doing 180's on those.

Originally Posted by Wanted1
I'm just curious if her telling me about the pleadings and letting me know that I can sign them and scan and email them to her is just her trying to call my bluff about "moving on." I am trying to move on. I need to. But I want to do it in a way that doesn't appear weak, apprehensive or show her that I'm still attached. The part of her text that stick out to me is her saying "IF I want to get the 60 days started..."


Well of course she said that, because you told her you want her out ASAP! So now in her eyes, YOU are the one that wants to initiate D. You've painted yourself into a corner Wanted. We say it all the time here, but don't EVER kick your spouse out or tell them you want D unless you have well and truly moved on (you're not even close) and are willing to back it up (you're not).


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Unsure what to do, what’s next....Part V [Re: AnotherStander] #2827015
12/11/18 03:20 PM
12/11/18 03:20 PM
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Posts: 308
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Wanted1 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander

Quote
I shared this with one of our mutual friends who I've confided in about my situation.


Do not talk to mutual friends about your sitch. Only discuss it with friends that have no connection to your W at all, or discuss it here. Anything you say to mutual friends WILL get back to your W and she will see it as you "rallying the troops" against her.


I met one of my mutual friends with former friend/OM#2

Regarding everything else, I don't think I was controlling or manipulating in our MR. If she expressed her desire to do something, I never stood in her way.

I am trying to do what is best for myself right now. A lot of people have said on here that IHS rarely works. We've been at it for almost 3 months now and nothing has changed. I can't detach and move on with her always around. When she told me 2 weeks ago that she is done, why should I wait around and let her continue to have all of the advantages of being in a MR with none of the responsibilities? If she is done, she needs to move out. Simple as that. I told her I would wait for her to sort through her feelings and decide what she wanted to do. It appears she has and therefore why wait any longer? If anything is going to change her mind or give her pause, I truly believe it would possibly come from experiencing what reality will be like for her outside of the family. Being on her own, etc.


M: 34 W:34
D:7 D:6 S:3

M: 9.5 years T: 12

OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18
IHS begins
W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18
W files: 12/21/18
D Final: 2/25/19
Re: Unsure what to do, what’s next....Part V [Re: Wanted1] #2827036
12/11/18 04:09 PM
12/11/18 04:09 PM
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Davide Offline
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Wanted,

I get your impatience to be done with IHS. I couldn't stand it for even a day. Getting some distance and time between you probably would help you heal. But you can't control her. And you don't want to move out yourself. So, is it really a situation that you can control? It sounds like you need to make the best of it until she decides to leave. Focus on what you can control - your attitude, time with kids, GAL, 180s. Try to find the joy and gratitude in those parts of your life. Your MR is not your life, focus on the other parts for the time being.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
Re: Unsure what to do, what’s next....Part V [Re: Wanted1] #2827042
12/11/18 04:24 PM
12/11/18 04:24 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,142
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AnotherStander Offline
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Originally Posted by Wanted1
Regarding everything else, I don't think I was controlling or manipulating in our MR. If she expressed her desire to do something, I never stood in her way.


Controlling types never think they are controlling. I see a lot of red flags though, so explore it with your IC. I'm not saying you are controlling, it's hard to judge that over online posts. But there are enough concerns in what you are posting that it's something you should check into.

Quote
I am trying to do what is best for myself right now.


Here is what is best for you right now- STOP. BREATHE. GET OUT. GAL.

Quote
We've been at it for almost 3 months now and nothing has changed.


We're not kidding when we say this is a marathon. I know 3 months seems like forever but it's not, it's a blip on the radar. Recons never happen that fast. I've been on here for many years and only remember two recons that happened in less than a year. Most happen in the 1-3 year range. Some take longer than that.

Quote
I can't detach and move on with her always around. When she told me 2 weeks ago that she is done, why should I wait around and let her continue to have all of the advantages of being in a MR with none of the responsibilities? If she is done, she needs to move out. Simple as that. I told her I would wait for her to sort through her feelings and decide what she wanted to do. It appears she has and therefore why wait any longer? If anything is going to change her mind or give her pause, I truly believe it would possibly come from experiencing what reality will be like for her outside of the family. Being on her own, etc.


OK, well first of all you can't legally kick her out. She has as much right to be there as you do. You can demand she leave, but she can refuse and then where does that leave you. Same place, but looking like a powerless fool. Second, what is the big hurry? Do you think that once she leaves you will magically be detached and done with her? No, only TIME and GAL does that and it will do it whether she is there or not. Third:

"If anything is going to change her mind or give her pause, I truly believe it would possibly come from experiencing what reality will be like for her outside of the family."

if you think doing this is going to be a wake-up call for her, you are wrong. She will more than likely embrace her new single life, at least at first. She is on a journey and nothing you do will speed it up, in fact most of what you are now doing is just slowing her down. You know how you can help speed her on her journey? LEAVE HER ALONE.


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Unsure what to do, what’s next....Part V [Re: Wanted1] #2827059
12/11/18 04:48 PM
12/11/18 04:48 PM
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Posts: 308
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Wanted1 Offline OP
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AS,

I’m not kicking her out. 2 weeks ago she said she “had” an apartment. Last weekend she brought up that she would rather move after the holidays. I then told her If leaving is her end game, I’d rather she do it sooner rather than later. I don’t think communicating my wishes is kicking her out and she knows she just as entitled to stay in the house as I am.

Last edited by Wanted1; 12/11/18 04:49 PM.

M: 34 W:34
D:7 D:6 S:3

M: 9.5 years T: 12

OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18
IHS begins
W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18
W files: 12/21/18
D Final: 2/25/19
Re: Unsure what to do, what’s next....Part V [Re: Wanted1] #2827064
12/11/18 04:53 PM
12/11/18 04:53 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 308
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Wanted1 Offline OP
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Wanted1  Offline OP
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Posts: 308
Has anyone went through the Survivng Divorce program? I think it’s associated with the Catholic faith. I’m wondering if I shouldn’t look into it as a way to better heal and move forward. The quicker the better and if there are rescources to help with that, I’d much like to take advantage.

And before anyone says there is no quick fix. It takes time. I understand that. I just mean in a more efficient manner than trying to do it on your own. ‘Work smarter not harder’ comes to mind.

Last edited by Wanted1; 12/11/18 04:54 PM.

M: 34 W:34
D:7 D:6 S:3

M: 9.5 years T: 12

OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18
IHS begins
W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18
W files: 12/21/18
D Final: 2/25/19
Re: Unsure what to do, what’s next....Part V [Re: Wanted1] #2827069
12/11/18 05:04 PM
12/11/18 05:04 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 8,572
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SteveLW Offline
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Posts: 8,572
I contacted DivorceCare. And I would have joined a local DC group if my sitch had continued that way.

I like where you are thinking W1. No one should try to tackle D by themselves. Get support.


M(51), W(52),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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