Thanks one and all for the wonderful support. Bttrfly - I loved the quote. Cil, Coly, Roist, Irish and Job, special thanks.
I know I have been MIA. It is a slog over here.
The amount of anger oozing out of my ex is truly extraordinary. It is exactly as it written: he looks to start fights and stir up drama where there are absolutely no problems whatsoever. I see tons and tons of control issues surfacing.
There are loads of childish threats: "I offered you my friendship but now I retract it." This is one he's stated a few times and he retracts "the friendship" anytime I do something he doesn't like. For example- me: I'd like to see your 401k statements since the ones you gave to your lawyer are from 2015 when you falsely claim the m ended. Him: crazy whirling reminiscent of the Tasmanian Devil followed by an email declaring "the friendship is over!"
It takes everything in me NOT to reply back: THANK GOODNESS! Now leave me alone. He is a constant presence in my life.
Here's a funny story. I think Job will get a kick out of this one. One night when ex had the kids they needed to come back here for some of their stuff. And they told me ex needed my stapler! I went out to the car and politely asked him to purchase one as I really needed this one here for the kids. Spoiler alert: he got angry. He told me the stapler was 50% his and rolled up the car window on me. Ugh. He think I am his personal Walmart.
There are so, so many examples of control issues. He tried to file our joint taxes without me seeing them! No joke. And then a few days before the deadline I contacted the accountant to ask what was going on? Where are my taxes? I had lost track of time. Well, he gave them to ex. And so I tell ex I need to see those and I need to sign so we can file. Silly me is thinking he's a space cadet and is going to miss the deadline. Nope. He purposely sent them off without my signature and said it wasn't needed! I sent him a pic of the instructions saying both spouses MUST sign to file. Quite astounding that he thinks I don't need to see my taxes.
And of course there was an asset there which was not declared on his statements to his lawyer.
We have business with a woman who had to interact with him on something. I politely forewarned her ex is not himself. I told her when she made that request she better be ready to block him a she would text her 20 times. She downplayed it. Days later she got a dose of what I was talking about as ex texted her a zillion times about nothing really; creating a problem where there was none. Then she came back saying he was nuts. Yep.
Otherwise, I am focusing on the good in my life. I am being supported by friends and family. Many, many people have come forward to be there for me. One friend said she's there for me "for better or for worse." And she has been.
There are so many wonderful people in my life. Here's one small example. When ex wouldn't give me one of our cars after my accident (because he drives the dog in that car!) a friend at work loaned me her dad's car as he was out of the country. This friend is not very well to do. When I returned the car I paid her a good part of what I would have paid for a rental as thanks to her I had the time to car shop without stressing about the costs of a rental.
When I gave her the money, I suspected she would use it to visit her mom who lives in Mexico. She has been wanting to see her for a while and doesn't have the funds. The day I gave her the money she said: "guess what I am going to do with it?" I said: "see your mom!" She said: "no, this will make you cry" (she has seen me cry quite a bit these last few months and knows me well). She gave the money to a distant relative she never met who fell off a ladder and needs quite a bit of rehab. She is one of the most extraordinary real people I have ever met. She is a giver.
When you file in CA, there is a mandatory 6 month "cooling off period" until the d can be finalized. Cracks me up that this is THE cool off period! It is the worst he's ever been. I think the last few years was just a simmering for him.
Each day I just thank goodness I made it another day. And all I think is someday this will come to an end. Someday this will be in the rear view mirror of my life.
OMG! He is so much like my xh. I remember my xh taking stuff from the house and one of the things that really bugged me is that I had just purchased some very expensive hand cream for my hands. Well, the nut came in while I was at work and took it. I shamed he so badly about taking it, that when we went to have our taxes done, he attempted to put it in my car and my alarm went off. LOL! He had to bring it in and give it to me in front of the accountant. After the taxes were completed the accountant told me that he looked and acted like a complete nut. HaWho, I can so relate to the stapler story.
Stand your ground...he doesn't want to have to purchase anything more than he has to. Rest assured, when he has the opportunity to come in....the stapler may very well disappear.
I can't believe he sent the taxes off w/o your signature, which means a delay in any returns that you may get. He is just being a complete @ss about everything.
Keep up your excellent acting skills...do not fall into his dark hole w/him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I feel so bad about what you are having to endure. I hope all this energy burns out soon and he goes back to his wallowing self. I'm so grateful that mine plays hide and seek and leaves us alone most of the time.
Thanks Job, Gordie and Ownit for the reach outs. Very much appreciated.
Gordie - to answer your questions, I am ok. This process is as much a rollercoaster ride as is MLC. My kids are also seem to yo-yo. S14 has a lot of anger. They both have waaaay too much information and are much too involved by ex. That part is really sad.
Ex continued to pick up kids on my days, messaging through them and just scheduling things on my time. It has been truly obnoxious. Finally had my court date and the judge told him he needs help with boundaries and she told him to stop contacting them on my time to can see him. It was a vindication because for months now I have been following the rules while he acts like a frat boy gone wild doing whatever he wants when he wants.
Then we both agreed not to discuss any of these matters with our kids (which I knew he was incapable of following). And then he went and gave his spin and openly discussed everything with them.
He just has zero respect for rules. He is outwardly rebellious. And because he is so vocal, he has the kids seeing things through his world lens. He has told them that I am keeping them from him when all I am saying is on my time stop contacting them to see them on my time. It's truly insane.
He uses scare tactics and tell the kids it is not safe for them to be home for 1 1/2 hours at my house before I return to work. As he has a flexible schedule he says he should be able to pick them up. Judge said no, there is no safety issue. She said if they were 6 and 8, yes, but at 12 and 14, no, they are fine for that time. (Oh and he left them alone longer than that when he lived here!) Talk about one set of rules for him and a other for me. My L argued if I can't leave them alone for 1 1/2 hours before I return from work, then he can't ever leave them alone either for 1 1/2 hours.
Is he stuck in a time where he thinks they are younger than they are or is this a control issue? He treats them like they are little. He says it's not safe for s14 to walk home a few days for a 1/2 hour walk. S14 was doing this when ex lived here so I have no idea why now it's an issue.
But meanwhile he seems to be playing Disney Dad to them. He wants every thing to be fun and he's quite a buddy to them.
I think there will be a day where it will be as Heather said. He may never admit it but I think he'll have a moment where he'll realize there was nothing in our M that warranted blowing things up like this. Because it makes no sense. Again, I don't think he'll ever admit it though.
Oh and Job, his L is bad. At one point he asked my L what the basics were to our agreed to stipulation that was drafted him and my L! (How would he know if she was telling him everything?!?) And my L was able to get him to agree to something in that stipulation that I am not sure he understood he agreed to! I even said to my L, there was NO way ex would agree to that. I think he wrote it but never cleared it with ex! Because then when we went in front of the judge his L tried to back peddle on that and h was clearly mad that he agreed to that! Gosh, it's worth it to get a good lawyer.
My L was really prepared, over prepared in fact. I had armed her with texts that proved my case. H had nothing. And when my L read the damaging texts, ex's L countered: "well I am not sure we need to go through all these texts."
Seriously?!? Um, it's called "evidence," isn't this required? Duh. Uh, not sure where ex found this guy. Hope he checked he's really a lawyer.
Anyway, I am thankful there is a custody plan in place and that he has some boundaries around him in this arena. Let's see how he does with them.
I think of you all often. And I am proud that I stood. I have no regrets. I know something happened to my ex. I know he needs to go figure himself out and to really do that he needs to go out there try everything.
Thank you all. You know who you are . . .
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Her L confided to my L that he thought she was off
She kept contradicting herself
Forgetting things
Agreeing and then disagreeing
Who knows what H has told his L
Glad judge backed you up re the kids
So sorry your H is trying to brain wash them
But think kids know who is the sane parent here
Stay strong
How is your mental health
Sleep
Tennis game
Support network
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
It is always so great to hear from you. I just have to scratch my head about your H. I do not get him. Not at all.
He ignored the kids when he lived in the smelly dorm room, but now he wants to be super dad? Why isn't he out on the town hitting on all the skanks he's been deprived of? How does he have so much time to hound you and these kids like they are toddlers who need constant care.
Thank goodness for a judge that takes the time to see what is really going on.
How are you dealing with this? My child about the same age as your older one wants dad so badly. Dad does well, they have a great time, then child does not see dad again for 2-3 months because dad just wants to make sure he can come back to child at some point. He doesn't want to actually have to deal with him the here and now.
I guess I'm saying that these people suck any way you slice it. Too much, or too little. Never the right amount. Too much wallowing or too much partying. Too much parenting or not enough. Too much thrust on the divorce or not enough. Why does it all have to be so hard?
Hi HaWho - I'm sure it's not your reality but you sound like a woman who is in charge of the bus she's riding on. It must be nice to have some control of things after so long of tipping around on egg-shells.
From the outside your STBX is just going through a litany of "me me me me look at what a great dad me is me me me". Sadly this probably has nothing to do with being a father but is more about spinning the image and situation to his own advantage.
Having been on the side with a moderately useless lawyer against a competent but fortunately unmotivated one it's great to hear how a Good lawyer handles things in the face of adversity.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Oh, my! He is acting out just like my xh did and yes, my xh's lawyer was a piece of work as well. Lawyers can spot a MLCer a mile away and there are some that will clearly take advantage of them because they are so screwed up. Trust me...your xh's lawyer is one of those that knows exactly what is going on and will milk him for all that he can...it's a shame because there are some really good ones out there just like your lawyer.
As for the children, I have two schools of thought: 1) he doesn't realize how old they are. Time passes very slowly for them and he can't accept that they are teens now and he may be reliving that particular age in his mind. Something may have happened to him during his early teens; and 2) it is also a control and appearance issue for him. He wants people to see him as dad of the year and very concerned about his sons. Unfortunately, your sons are old enough to be home behind a locked door for an hour or two.
I would continue to document because you are going to need to do so because he is going to continue to rebel again any and all rules, etc.
HaWho, I know you know this...but watch your back. He's desperate and may become even more so as things ramp up. I know you have a got handle on this situation, but know that we are here if you need anything.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
